Jump to content

Violence stole my sexy, Now what do I do? Asexual by force


Recommended Posts

I am facing a really big decision. I am very ill with PTSD and bi-polar and I have recently begun to get better. I have gained a lot of weight from the meds I’m on and every time I try to diet and exercise I run headlong into a bunch of trauma triggers. Right now even though I am over weight, I am not unhealthy, my blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol and what all are great. I could love myself the way I am and not be putting myself at unnecessary risk. But I want to be thin. BUT I have a track record of falling into depression and even becoming suicidal or manic or both when I change my eating habits and become active enough to shed lbs. But I hate the way I look because I was severely verbally abused and bullied by some asshole I was trying to date a while back and I can’t live with him calling me lazy. The weight is making me mentally ill in its own destructive way.

Here’s the reason I’m bringing this to AVEN. I was never asexual or aromantic at all before I met him. Did his brutality cause it or was it just something I didn’t know about myself? I was a very sexually adventurous person before and in my mind I still am. I really want to know if I would still be asexual if I was thin and self confident, because I really never was before (thin and self confident or any kind of asexual) I want to know the truth about myself whatever that is.

Questions: is it worth trying to lose weight to and take the risk of losing my sanity as well and maybe my life. What if I all of a sudden become sexual again and do you think that is likely, because asexuality is not what I was born with (I don’t think). And what are some ways you can think of to “Cheat” and diet and exercise without my mental illness noticing that I am trying to lose weight. Should I just get busy loving my fat asexual ass the way it is and let sleeping dogs lie, or does that make me a coward as well as lazy?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You honestly don't sound lazy to me. You sound like a person that went through something traumatic, big difference. You aren't exercising not because "I can't be bothered" but because "it hurts me to do it" - that's not laziness!

I'm sorry you went through the abuse of your ex. No one should have to suffer like that.

There are a few possibilities for your sexuality

1) The trauma is currently causing a "block", which is semi-common in trauma victims, but usually can change with the healing process IF that is what you want to happen.

2) You experienced what is called "sexual fluidity". You can start out with one orientation that feels right, then it can change and you can ID as something else. Others have discussed this experience for themselves.

It's up to you to decide whether you feel this is how you should be, or if it's something that is stemming from something else. Either way, you're welcome here. :cake:

For your weight loss... I don't know. Would walking up stairs instead of taking elevators, parking further away, walking to local stores for a treat etc trigger you? Or just cutting your portion sizes instead of changing your diet completely? What does your therapist recommend?

Link to post
Share on other sites
stonehengegirl

In my opinion it sounds like you have much bigger things to work on than your weight especially if diet and exercise can make trauma triggers occur as you've said. I hope you have a professional to talk to about to deal with this dramatic change on your outlook in life. Please don't hate yourself because you are overweight right now. You are more than your outside appearance. Get your mental illness under control and find a balance with exercise and diet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ah and one note on the weight: Being "overweight" may not be "unhealthy", my friend is technically overweight but she is actually considered healthy by her doctors. So, a few years of that vs extreme trauma to lose it, the stress of the trauma is probably more unhealthy physically and mentally than the weight itself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh and one more thing: his genius advice to me was to stop taking my meds because they were making me fat and he doesn't agree with anybody taking mood medication, because that is lazy. Crazy people should have to work for their sanity. You know just posting about this has been hugely helpful because when I go to describe his behavior I realize how bad it truly was. What a bonehead!!

Thanks for the advice; it's given me something to think on and I look forward to seeing what others have to say

Link to post
Share on other sites

He does sound like a bonehead. Someone who has bipolar shouldn't stop their meds if they're helping! Especially not for something as silly as a little weight gain. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein

Ugh! So awful. Yes he was a bonehead.

I think the diet and exercise thing you really should be talking to professionals about, if you aren't already. In the meantime, is there something you love to do that doesn't feel like exercise? Like skating, or hiking, something really fun that you enjoy? You're not exercising, you're having fun! ;)

It's perfectly fine to identify as asexual. Are you happy with it? If you are, go for it. Don't stress about if it's "right" if it's not causing you grief. Even if it was caused by trauma, it's OK to be happy with it and not try to "fix" it.

It's also common to go through a relationship or two before you realize that you are ace.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ugh! So awful. Yes he was a bonehead.

I think the diet and exercise thing you really should be talking to professionals about, if you aren't already. In the meantime, is there something you love to do that doesn't feel like exercise? Like skating, or hiking, something really fun that you enjoy? You're not exercising, you're having fun! ;)

It's perfectly fine to identify as asexual. Are you happy with it? If you are, go for it. Don't stress about if it's "right" if it's not causing you grief. Even if it was caused by trauma, it's OK to be happy with it and not try to "fix" it.

It's also common to go through a relationship or two before you realize that you are ace.

Thanks for the kind words sadly the asexual thing is causing me grief because there is this huge discrepancy between what I feel I am and what I enjoy in my mind and what my body is actually willing to perform. I tend to think it's a sexual block, but I will hang with you fine folks at AVEN until it clears.

It may never clear and I may be asexual for life and that is something I will have to get used to.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is possible, and maybe probable, that you have become sex-repulsed (which can happen to sexuals), not asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is possible, and maybe probable, that you have become sex-repulsed (which can happen to sexuals), not asexual.

Well yes, that is a good theory and would be a sexual block that would logically happen due to trauma, however, I'm not actually sex repulsed. I write erotic fiction I watch porn and I use sexuality in ritual magic. I just don't want to date or have sex with a human, I'd say I don't like to be touched at all but the right people can hug me and snuggle me and I'm fine with that as long as they only mean it as friends, so yeah any of my gay friends can touch me and I'll watch porn with them. I'm just colossally not in the mood for anything from straight guys or lesbian women. I think it has something to do with my gender fluidity too. I do have a professional that I see but he doesn't know beans about asexuality or even sex repulsion

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein

Look at some of the threads around here about/for/by libidoist aces. I feel like that may be what you are describing, but I'm not sure nor will I attempt to pin that label on you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Look at some of the threads around here about/for/by libidoist aces. I feel like that may be what you are describing, but I'm not sure nor will I attempt to pin that label on you.

Thank you for the advice and also thank you for not rushing to pin labels onto me. I was talking it over with my gay friend who works at the beauty department in where I get my meds. He's got friends with every kind of identity and his advice was to just park somewhere comfortable and let it sort itself out. Celibate is the word I use to describe myself and I like it for reasons that I won't even try to describe. SO for now I'm parked on celibate, because I know that is true and it doesn't anger the identity police. Still doesn't give me a clue what to do about my weight, but maybe that will also sort itself out in time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElegantPunk

Hi, I'm a newbie here and was checking the forum out, and probably as confused as you re the asexuality issue [31 yr old no experience....you wonder why am I confused :P], but re the exercise/weight and mental stuff, well I've similar issues, as did my aunt, and it's a hell of a twist! Unfortunately it's not as few suggest as simple as portion control and fun or mild exercise etc :/.

I'm guessing you've tried different meds, but the ones that work keep you cuddly ? Also I'm guessing your asexuality isnt partly to do with the drugs your on ? Some can have that as a side affect, I'm just bringing it up just in case your Dr hadn't mentioned it. Though after your ex and you ptsd I'm not surprised you dont want anyone near you at the moment in a sexual way!

Forgive me for personalizing or making assumptions, but do hope this might be helpful, or a start of some independent research into my tips :P.

Being happy within oneself regardless of our weight or self definition is the most important thing, but based on what you've said your not happy with your weight, so my tips... Now everyone is different [thank gaia] but I'll share what's helped with a few people I know both bi polars and schizophrenic / bi polar, maybe it might help with you but please check with your Dr first ! This is for general health both mental and physical, with slow weight loss as a bonus.

Also it depends on what state you are in when you start, please don't start if you've just had an episode in the last month, and do use a good buddy that knows you as a litmus test re you getting on an upper or downer, as we cant always spot is ourselves.

Also I'm not talking re emotional triggers, but just the bio chem of getting on a diet burn that fu**s one up, so my tips on cheating on your MI, in no order, and again please check with your Dr as I don't know you in rl, or your meds!

Also you probably know most of this...it's mainly about feeding your body the right things to help it try to heal itself as much as it can in the situation, but...

General MH stuff-

A] if your not doing it already, try to keep a record of your sleep pattern as you can spot warning signs there.

B] have a set ritual in something silly that can act as a warning if you miss it, I've one friend who if I see out without his eye-liner more then twice a week, well I'll be checking up on him more, as that's one of his signs to watch out for, but it could be as simple as doing laundry on a Thursday, or wearing week day under pants in the right order, but some silly ritual that can be disrupted easily if ones off, well it can work as a canary in a coal-mine.

Food/Exercise stuff -

1] there are foods like broccoli etc that are naturally high in lithium - stock up on them.

2] It can be the adrenaline from a diet or exercise burn that's f***ing with you, your MI hates that burn like a jealous lover and will get all over you. Keep exercises on the pilates / yoga side and weights, if weights, dont do too many reps ie don't get breathless or sweaty, aerobic exercise isn't always our friend unfortunately, but that combined with moderate walks a few times a week or even daily should be ok. Reference your sleeping pattern, if you start sleeping less and start getting hyper in any way STOP. Unfortunately moderation and bit by bit is key, so no 3 hour hikes, that are "oh i'm just going for a light walk to let of steam" :P, nope not a good idea!

3] Lithium [etc] can fu** with your thyroid, try some sea kelp [iodine] tabs it can help balance that, and it can help re balance your metabolism dependent on your meds. Also there are some metabolism boosting spices and foods like chilli, see about shifting some more of them into your diet.

4] Make sure your topped up in omega 3/6/9 and vitamin B complex. [ you'll be stressed with your ptsd and will prob be burning through your omegas and B's, and that wont help you bi polar :( ]

5] Apart from the mentioned, basically use a low glycemic or pcos [polycystic ovary] type diet plan but with a bit more complex carbohydrates then they recommend, as the adrenaline/ cortisol is not good for either pcos or bi polar, and sugar surges can trigger cortisol. Also don't cut your calories too quickly, try and shift them first to foods that suit the diet plan, and on a glycemic side if you cant avoid sugar or alcohol have a walnut or a piece of protein as it partly stops the insulin sugar surge. If you sugar addicted a course [ie 2/3 weeks] of chromium picolinate can help stop it.

Basically, do it slowly and you should be ok. The good thing is the diet and life style done slowly [i know belabouring the point] well it shouldn't hurt you, it will just get you healthier, and though it will take a while to shift your weight to where you want it to be, it does give you a sense of control :).

Another point is maybe focus on it as a physical / mental health lifestyle choice, maybe think on it as if it's for health and strength, especially as it will take a while done slowly but surely :p.

If you think on it as a diet / weight loss situation well I could see how it might trigger your PTSD, as it could resonate in you with your horrid ex, ie With him previously saying stop your meds and loose weight it could set up an internal conflict, where in trying to assert your control over your mind and body to get healthier, you internally feel your giving in to his control etc? Especially as you associate the slimmer version of your self as being sexual and thats something you want to investigate, maybe subconsciously it feels as if it submitting to vision of who he wanted you to be ?

Just give your self time to heal and be, your sexual self might come back whatever weight you are.

We are all in flux, the important thing is to be kind to yourself, and others, and dont worry about labelling who you are at any stage, unless that's a help or comfort :).

Be well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You say that in your own mind, you are still a sexually adventurous person, so, that's what I'd lean towards. As to how to fix the situation, it is obviously complicated and nobody here wants you to end up doing harm to yourself. I really can't suggest any changes to your eating habits or exercise then, knowing that they haven't been good for you in the past. I CAN suggest two things: talk to a doctor, and maybe switch any other drink out with water. Even juice is as bad, calories wise, as pop. (I lost 15 pound this way, and not as a large person, either.)

I wish you the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You say that in your own mind, you are still a sexually adventurous person, so, that's what I'd lean towards. As to how to fix the situation, it is obviously complicated and nobody here wants you to end up doing harm to yourself. I really can't suggest any changes to your eating habits or exercise then, knowing that they haven't been good for you in the past. I CAN suggest two things: talk to a doctor, and maybe switch any other drink out with water. Even juice is as bad, calories wise, as pop. (I lost 15 pound this way, and not as a large person, either.)

I wish you the best.

I never drink anything but water except for the sugar free smoothies I have as meals. Since I started drinking smoothies for breakfast or supper my weight has stabilized, and I am no longer gaining. so yeah good advice there for sure. AS for my sexuality I think you are onto something. It does not make me happy to be asexual, although I definitely want to be not touched at this time. I joined a kink site for sexuals online to just lurk and read the discussions and feel like I am not dead sexually. I do see a psychiatrist every two weeks for psychotherapy, sadly I am not getting along with him very well at his time and my sessions have not been helpful. But there is a program called weight wise that My GP could refer me to. may do that. Thanks for the kind thoughts

Link to post
Share on other sites

You say that in your own mind, you are still a sexually adventurous person, so, that's what I'd lean towards. As to how to fix the situation, it is obviously complicated and nobody here wants you to end up doing harm to yourself. I really can't suggest any changes to your eating habits or exercise then, knowing that they haven't been good for you in the past. I CAN suggest two things: talk to a doctor, and maybe switch any other drink out with water. Even juice is as bad, calories wise, as pop. (I lost 15 pound this way, and not as a large person, either.)

I wish you the best.

I never drink anything but water except for the sugar free smoothies I have as meals. Since I started drinking smoothies for breakfast or supper my weight has stabilized, and I am no longer gaining. so yeah good advice there for sure. AS for my sexuality I think you are onto something. It does not make me happy to be asexual, although I definitely want to be not touched at this time. I joined a kink site for sexuals online to just lurk and read the discussions and feel like I am not dead sexually. I do see a psychiatrist every two weeks for psychotherapy, sadly I am not getting along with him very well at his time and my sessions have not been helpful. But there is a program called weight wise that My GP could refer me to. may do that. Thanks for the kind thoughts

I hope those aren't your only meals . . . Although I may just say that because I dislike them myself. It's all I could have for a month after a surgery. No longer gaining weight is great news, that means that figuring minor changes instead of anything larger that may throw you off balance will help you with what your goal is.

And when I read your thought on your sexuality, the thought that comes to my mind is that nobody needs to be in a relationship to prove their sexuality (or, in the case of asexuals, to not be in a relationship to prove theirs)which is a good thing because their are often times where people can benefit from just focusing on themselves. You can just refocus your energy, for sure, and take a break from building an explicitly sexual relationship with somebody else. Imagine if sexuality was based on whatever a person was able to fit into their life's at any exact moment; bisexuals would certainly have a hard time of that, or a fun time with the polygamy that bisexuality would technically require on such an account.

And reading on, I'm glad you're taking the initiative with all these programs. And, if your therapist continues to give you trouble, we here in the asexual community have a bit of experience with that, and you could start a forum to get advice on your specifics.

Also, kink site for the win. Umm . . . If anyone reads those descriptions under the profile picture, mine does say asexual fetishist.

Lastly, I think that I should mention that, as much as its fine and I think it's awesome to want to lose weight for yourself, whatever pace this occurs at is fine since you are in good health and since other people's opinions on your weight don't matter nearly as much as your own.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Also, kink site for the win. Umm . . . If anyone reads those descriptions under the profile picture, mine does say asexual fetishist."

Cool!! Care to divulge a little more? I'm desperately needing platonic kinky friends because everybody I know is so vanilla and I have nobody to talk to. PM me if you like and we can talk shop.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Also, kink site for the win. Umm . . . If anyone reads those descriptions under the profile picture, mine does say asexual fetishist."

Cool!! Care to divulge a little more? I'm desperately needing platonic kinky friends because everybody I know is so vanilla and I have nobody to talk to. PM me if you like and we can talk shop.

Oh, lol. I left that line to last because I thought it might be odd, but sure, I'll message you sometime this weekend once I sleep, and therefore stop adding lines like that to my forum posts.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think because you are saying abuse blocked your sexy means you aren't a-sexual. sorry!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...