Is it okay not to come out? (sorry if this gets asked all the time).

[NothingMuchToDo]

Okay. So I only started to properly identify myself as ace a few weeks ago (i'd been vaguely wondering about it for maybe the last two years, because I was sex repulsed and never really got what sexual attraction was and a conversation about a month ago made me decide to look into it further). Anyway, I read just about every article on the subject available on the internet, watched all the videos there are, looked around on here, talked to my asexual internet friend, all the while sitting there thinking "yes. somebody gets it". Concepts I'd spent ages trying to explain to other people, like how there's a difference between acknowledging that someone's conventionally good looking and being attracted to them, which no one ever seemed to get but me until then, were finally articulated properly and it was really cool. It was my "I've found my people" moment. Anyway, so from that and from reading descriptions of sexual attraction and thinking "ew, people feel that? That's a thing?" I have been able to realise that yes, I am ace.

I've been unsure what to do about telling people. I think I'd like my friends to know and I'm guessing some of them won't be surprised. If nothing else I'd love it if they'd maybe stop making prude jokes and deliberately describing sex to make me squirm now. So far I've told three people. My best friend (who knows me very well) was the only one who I spoke to about it before I was sure and she told me "only you know you, but it makes sense from what I know of you. I don't think you're too young to know. You can always change how you identify yourself if you realise you're wrong" which was really cool and gave me a lot more confidence. However, although they've been perfectly polite about it, the others have been sceptical.There's the classic "You're too young to know line" (i'm sixteen) and there's also been the "but like, you can't not have sex" thing, the "aren't you scared you're going to die alone" (yes, I really am) thing. In addition to that I've seen a lot of stuff on the internet when I was researching, stuff like a guy saying he'd always thought of aces as "borderline sociopaths", and had only changed his view when he realised that some aces have sex anyway (which I don't want to do). So now I'm a sociopath. Gee thanks.I mean thankfully I don't have any friends stupid enough to mention that damn plant thing, but other than that... The point is while I always thought initially that being ace wouldn't be that big of a deal, now I've actually got to the point of identifying as ace I've kind of realised it is, but that people may not take me seriously or may judge me and I'm honest to god scared. I hate people laughing at me, what if I get laughed at for it? I mean it's really not going to help if I have to explain my sexuality with an analogy about cake is it? I'm also worried people won't take me seriously because I had to research this stuff on the internet. I mean with the lack of education about and representation of asexuality, plus knowing no irl ace people, there wasn't much else I could do, but... Then there's my parents. I'm a 100% sure they don't know what it is 500% That it's only that new scientist study which will ever convince them it's a thing and 1000% that they absolutely won't believe that's me and that even if they do, they'll start talking to me about how I'm missing out and I'll never find anyone and besides they want grandchildren.

So to go back to my original question: I'm naturally someone who wears my heart on my sleeve, I owe my parents and friends a lot and not telling them feels somehow dishonest, but as far as my parents and certain friends go, is it okay do you think if I just don't tell them? Like ever?

Also side note do any of you have problems with the constant fear of being alone forever and how do you deal with it because it's always been a thing for me and since I've been figuring this all out it's shot to the top of my list. I'm not aro and I feel like the last of myt hope of ever being in a relationship just flickered and died.

[njosnavelin]

No one says you need to say anything. Some of the members feel like they need to say something. It is your choice. As far as I am concerned my private life is my private life. That isn’t something for their business to be prowling in. I go on my life.

Oh and your relationship loneliness thing. Do something you love with yourself. Continue the pursuit to be a better person in this world. Give yourself and love will follow.

[njosnavelin]

Ditch worry. Ditch fear. Ditch hate. And replace yourself with self admiration. Replace yourself with small beautiful wonders of the world. Replace yourself with love and beauty. And it will follow.

[Sisky]

You have no obligation to tell people why you're the way you are.

I never came out. I wasn't interested in dating at all and just didn't do it. I still don't tell people outright I'm asexual/aromantic (most of the time I wouldn't even need to since I'm in a relationship), it's just "I'm generally not interested, but that guy happens to make my life better, so why not". Though if you think your family will bother you about not doing things you're expected to do (mine didn't), be prepared to shrug it off.

As for your friends, I don't think it will change anything. They're already aware their jokes make you uncomfortable; why doesn't make a difference. All you can do is tell them to stop and decide for yourself how to deal with the outcome.

[Member54880]

It’s okay to not come out to anyone. You aren’t obligated to come out to anyone, but I understand why you feel that way towards your friends and family. You should only come out if you’re ready, and if you feel like it’d be worth it.

Being asexual and not wanting sex, it’ll be more difficult to find a partner you’re compatible with, but it’d be better for your sake to find someone you are compatible with, without having to go against your own boundaries. Some asexuals have been in sexual relationships for years, but didn’t know how to explain it to their partner, and kept pushing themselves into sex they didn't want just to please their partner. You don't have to settle for going against your boundaries just to avoid being alone.

[NothingMuchToDo]

Thanks guys, this helps :)

[Ricecream-man]

Yup, the only person you'd ever really need to come out to would be any future partner and even then only if got serious. Everyone else? Only if you feel like it.

Only 3 of my friends know and I don't think I'll ever tell my parents

[Mor]

You don't need to come out unless you want to, like the previous posters in the thread have said. Coming out is a decision that differs from person to person - while some people may be publicly out to pretty much everybody, some people aren't, and that's fine. People have reasons for coming out as much as people have reasons for not.

One of the problems with asexuality is that it hasn't got the best visibility, so people who are asexual sometimes don't know for years and years, or even at all. Visibility is getting better but it's still not great, I wouldn't put any bets on my family knowing what it is if I ever came out to them, leading to me having a lot of explaining to do. I imagine visibility will continue to improve, but as with a lot of sexual orientations, you've still got people being homophobic etc. and having very close minded views, so if you do come out, unfortunately you're probably going to experience some of those responses that you've listed. While that is a negative there's positives too - only you can truly decide whether you want to come out, and whether it'll be worth it. Coming out like you said allows you to be honest towards those you care about, which is one such positive. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to hide who I am with regards to my sexuality, but my own personal decision is to tell only a few selective people who I know will be accepting as I don't think I'm ready to be more open about it and therefore increase the chances of getting negative reactions due to more people knowing. As of now I'm too scared to tell anybody else, but as I'm 18, I've not had too much pressure from my family and people I know to date etc., and therefore no questions as to why I've not. I get the occasional query about whether I have a boyfriend/girlfriend from people in my extended family, but I've not had that too often just yet for it to become an annoyance. Like I said, it's your decision, but it's absolutely okay not to come out if that's the course of action you want to go for, judging by your thread title, though I think you should tell a serious future partner.

With what you said about fearing being alone, I can understand what you're saying. I fear being alone too, but I find it helps if I don't dwell on it. I know that it doesn't solve the problem, but thinking about it too much just makes me feel worse.

[CMV]

Yeah you don't have to come out if you don't

want to.It's your personal business.

[Ehyn]

Your sex life (and lack thereof) is your own business. If you don't want to come out, don't. c:

[scarletlatitude]

I am usually an open book too. I am introverted so I don't talk much, but if you ask for me to talk you will hear me talk, whether you like what I have to say or not. And I have absolutely no plans on coming out to anyone. It's all up to you.

I too worry about being alone sometimes. I feel like I need a partner. I also realize that I need a very specific kind of partner... I don't try to rush it anymore. I will find a partner when I am meant to find one. To force the issue has just led to bad relationships for me.

[MarieIsEatingTacobell]

It is 100% up to you, hun. You might never want to come out to everyone, and that's okay. Maybe you'll change your mind and decide you want to, and that's okay too. Maybe you only ever tell a limited number of people. It's your identity, you have control over. Don't stress about what you think you should do for the sake of others, do whatever you're most comfortable doing.

[Guest]

IMO, you have a duty to come out to someone who you see as a potential partner, before the relationship starts. But with literally everyone else - friends, family, etc. - it's 100% up to you.

[Tarfeather]

So to go back to my original question: I'm naturally someone who wears my heart on my sleeve, I owe my parents and friends a lot and not telling them feels somehow dishonest, but as far as my parents and certain friends go, is it okay do you think if I just don't tell them? Like ever?

In my opinion it doesn't matter how much you owe them, if they aren't going to accept you as you are, they don't deserve the privilege to your honesty in this regard. I consider it a healthy attitude to only open yourself up to those who you can actually trust to support you, no matter how much they've done for you otherwise.

Also side note do any of you have problems with the constant fear of being alone forever and how do you deal with it because it's always been a thing for me and since I've been figuring this all out it's shot to the top of my list. I'm not aro and I feel like the last of myt hope of ever being in a relationship just flickered and died.

I believe that when (if?) you find a compatible partner (personality-wise), the two of you will make it work regardless of issues regarding orientation.

[Daisie]

You certainly don't have to share your preferences or orientation with friends and family, but if you date, you absolutely owe it to a future partner to be up front about your sexuality. Full disclosure early means less misunderstandings later.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Don't worry about being alone when you get older. You will only be alone if you choose to be. As long as you are open to making new friends, you'll never feel lonely.