Pansexual, Lesbian, or Asexual?

[Jenn81113]

Hi! :)

I'm a new member on AVEN and I'm currently really questioning my sexuality, I can't tell if I'm pansexual, lesbian, or asexual.

I used to like boys since I was very little but I suddenly stopped feeling attracted to males and I started to like girls as I got in to grade 7 all the way till now (grade 11). At first I felt like I was lesbian because I only liked girls but then I thought that maybe I was pansexual or even bisexual because I felt like it didn't matter what the person's gender was, if I love them, I will love them. The only thing was that the 'sexual' part did not make sense to me since I'm very repulsed thinking about having sex with males (ever since I was in grade 2). Then I thought about having sex with females and I didn't really mind but I never really imagined it before I started to force myself to.

I searched up a couple of questions online and discovered asexuality and thought that it really clicked with my sexual orientation. The only problem was that when I think about the girl I used to like, I remembered feeling like I wanted to kiss her, not just on the lips but her whole body and just wanted to show my love that way in a sense?? Another point is that my heart would always jump when she took off her shirt while changing or when we did self defense and she had to position herself on top of me.. I'm not sure if those feelings would be classified as sexual. Also, I don't think I would mind having sex with females and I imagined if I had sex with a girl, I would feel more connected to her and be happy that we get to share this kind of moment together, it's just that I never thought about sex when I was near girls I liked.

Do I seem to be asexual, lesbian, or pansexual?

Thank you for taking the time to read this sort of messy post and have a great day! :D

[snvke]

Well, if you don't really like the thought of having sex or don't feel the need to, except when it's about a person you're into,

you can absolutely belong to the asexual spectrum, since it has a lot of different sides to it.

for example demisexual: "a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone,

often (but not always) in a romantic relationship. A demisexual person would pretty much be like a sexual person in a relationship, and like an asexual while not in a relationship."

or gray-asexual: "people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances" would fit your situation.

And additional to this (you can also be gray-demisexual, most can be combined) you might be pan-, gray-, demi- or homo-romantic.

[Archon]

Only you can decide how you identify, but I'll do the best I can to help. First, you seem to refer to sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and sensual attraction in your post, but keep in mind that these are distinct from each other. Looking at them separately might help you figure things out.

Who are you sexually attracted to? To put it plainly, who do you want to have sex with? From what I can tell in your post... No one? Imagining having sex with someone and actually wanting to have sex with them are not the same thing. Also, saying that you wouldn't mind having sex with someone is different from actually wanting sex too. You don't have to be sex-repulsed to be ace. So, I would say asexual?

Who are you romantically attracted to? In other words, who do you desire to have a romantic relationship with? It looks like you feel romantic attraction to girls, and you seem to imply that you are a girl, so, I would say homoromantic? If you do experience romantic attraction to someone regardless of their gender, then you would be panromantic.

You might experience sensual attraction (a desire to do tactile things such as cuddling with someone), since you wanted to kiss the girl you used to like all over but not necessarily have sex with her. Sensual attraction doesn't necessarily involve sexual attraction.

I could be wrong on any of this though and like I said before, how you identify is entirely up to you. Feel free to ask me for clarification on anything. :)

Welcome to AVEN!!

[binary suns]

there are different flavors of attraction, sex, romance, sensual, aesthetic, emotional, platonic. Most people feel more dominant in one of them. Most people just associate them all as their sexual orientation, since that is the commonly known term for attraction. Do you feel like you wanna have sex? Do you feel like you want to behave romantically with someone?

myself I am aromantic and asexual. I do not feel sexual attraction or romantic attraction. going on dates doesn't interest me, and the well known romantic stuff like walks and roses and rings and valentines day and sharing moments and being someone's other half, none of that excites me. although I'd enjoy them if someone wanted to share then with me, but I just don't feel a need for that in my life, so I consider myself aromantic. the same is true of sex, I don't find anything alluring about sex, I struggle to imagine myself in such scenarios, and in fact I have experience with it and well it was OK. I noticed my partner seemed to experience some thrill with it that I couldn't.

But I do experience sensual attraction. I actually identify as demisensual. demi means, that the attraction just isn't there before you get close with someone, and even just getting close to then won't necessarily guarantee attraction.

sensual attraction is feeling desire to be n contact with someone. kissing them, cuddling with them. Personally I like kissing, and all over the body, and cuddling, and something I feel also is the desire just to reach out and touch the person, place my hand against them to sense their physical presence. If someone is more driven by sex or by romance, they'd think of the rest of this stuff for attraction by sexuality or as romantic activity, but for me there isn't any romance or sexiness to it. I don't even understand when people say there is! D:

I can imagine sex or romance and say they sound nice, but I don't really desire them and could go without them my whole life and not miss out. So I am asexual and aromantic.

[Ricecream-man]

To answer part of your question, pansexuality isn't just the theoretical thought behind attraction but the practical follow through. Just like how many people can say "I would to protect _____" but won't follow through, many people can think they're attracted to all types but not actually be so.

However, you said you don't want sex with men do you're not pansexual.

You may or may not be panromantic, that's for you to think about and figure out.

Now for the tricky part.

whether you're homosexual/lesbian or if you're asexual.

I don't know. BUT I do know how to get the answer.

Find someone who is homosexual/lesbian whether in person or online and ask them about how they view sex and sexual attraction. If their views are similar to yours or if you tell them the things you want to do and they say that's a type of sexual activity to them then you might be homosexual/lesbian.

If I knew the extents to what constitutes homosexual/lesbian sex I would help you. For better or for worse, I do not.

[Star Bit]

I think there's a term for when your romantic orientation fluctuates but i can't think of it atm. A sexual orientation is not the capability of having sex but actually having the impulse to do sexual things to a person. More specifically sexual attraction is when someones presence is sexually arousing which triggers the impulse to do sexual things to/with that person. What romantic orientation you go by is up to you; you could go by panromantic or you could go with what's current/homoromantic. Kissing/making out is not sexual by default. An action is only sexual when you want it done for the arousal. Wanting to have non-sexual physical contact is actually called sensual attraction. Yes, technically the word sensual includes sex, but just like we separate sex from romance, we also separate it here.

@chrysalis

Your definition of Gray-Asexual is wrong. It is not someone who can enjoy sex. That's still a normal Asexual. Gray-A is anything between having sexual attraction and not; characteristics of both simultaneously (i.e. Cupiosexual or Aposexual) or at different times (Demisexual).

[scarletlatitude]

I am like you but with the opposite gender. I think that I would enjoy sexual activities with the right male partner. Otherwise I'm really not interested in sex. I find some males aesthetically attractive. I may even feel a bit of romantic/sexual excitement when I interact with them. I consider myself heterosexual (because I am only attracted to males) and grey (because I only want sex in certain times with certain men). It is possible that you are both a lesbian and asexual.

We really do need to create a sexual glossary. These terms get confusing.

[Andromache]

I think I'm like you, but confused between asexual and bisexual!

It varies from time to time, as to what I think I am more like so I've started going with greyasexual.

It's good as it doesn't let on as to who I am attracted to, just how. It can mean you only feel sexual attraction rarely, or just you feel it but it is quite 'weak', or simply that you're somewhere on the asexual spectrum but not necessarily 'fully' asexual. Quite a useful word!!

Anyway, I'm slowly learning not to get too hung up in the specifics of labels, after ala they are for you to define and make fit to your experiences. I know it can be very confusing but we're here for you!

[Jenn81113]

Hi! Thank you all so much for helping me out and making me feel really welcomed here on AVEN!! :) I read through all the suggestions/advice here and took sometime to really think about it and I think I am asexual (not sure about my romantic orientation tho but that will just take some time to think about). Thank you so much and hope to talk to you all again soon! X)

[Star Bit]

Well, Aroflux means your romantic orientation fluctuates on the aromantic spectrum, but yours just fluctuates on the romantic spectrum so idk.

I've heard of Bi/Pan people's attraction ratio fluctuating to one side, but not entirely to one side. Hmm, because you're predominantly attracted to women, maybe Homoflexible would work?