Repulsed Demisexual, starting to feel like I don't deserve to be loved.

[IcyIsis]

I'd been seeing a guy for a month, met up 5 times, started to really like him. Then yesterday he made a sexual "joke" about me. I said I'd been exercising and he said something about me "getting a work out" when I see him next. I was so disgusted, I didn't think he was the type to make sexual innuendos. The thing is I was only just starting to consider going all the way.. but when he said that, he ruined it. Complete turn off. I feel broken and unworthy of love. I'm also so disappointed as I thought he was more of a gentleman, and he made it seem like I was overreacting because I told him he'd made me feel uncomfortable. He doesn't know I'm demi. Is it normal to start considering sex but then be repulsed when they mention it? I'll probably always be single.

[snvke]

Big fat NOPE. You are not unworthy.

If anyone, then it's he who is unworthy of having you. He should respect your limits and not make fun of it.

He doesn't understand, because he feels different about it, but he should acknowledge your feelings.

Don't think there's anything wrong about your sexuality, if someone loves you, they will accept you regardless of it.

[vsall]

You just need your time to do whatever you feel like doing with the person you like. Being demisexual is i guess really a pain in the... because you are between of being able/wanting and not being able / wanting to do the things that sexual people do.

The fact that you dont like his "jokes" about that, doesnt mean you are unable to love and be loved back. Maybe this guy is not the "one" for you. If he was, you wouldnt be sceptical about anything.

[dissolved]

The thing about jokes is... they're jokes :D

If this guy is great is every other way, then don't overreact and chuck it away because he made a stupid joke. Hate to break it to you... but we all make stupid jokes sometimes... It was probably made in all innocence because he assumed you were an average straight girl - you didn't tell him it takes time for attraction (and, if you're anything like me, most likely how comfortable you are around people) to kick in. Ensure he knows at this early stage you're not that bothered about sex, and if he continues to disappoint you, then run.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Everybody is worthy of love. Finding it is a whole nother issue. It sounds like you haven't yet explained your demi-sexuality to him yet. Without knowing that, he may believe you are a sexual person and after a month of dating, that's about when a lot of couples start talking about sex. Just be open with him and if he can't accept that then perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

[noparlpf]

I'd been seeing a guy for a month, met up 5 times, started to really like him. Then yesterday he made a sexual "joke" about me. I said I'd been exercising and he said something about me "getting a work out" when I see him next. I was so disgusted, I didn't think he was the type to make sexual innuendos. The thing is I was only just starting to consider going all the way.. but when he said that, he ruined it. Complete turn off. I feel broken and unworthy of love. I'm also so disappointed as I thought he was more of a gentleman, and he made it seem like I was overreacting because I told him he'd made me feel uncomfortable. He doesn't know I'm demi. Is it normal to start considering sex but then be repulsed when they mention it? I'll probably always be single.

It's not even a matter of being repulsed when they mention it; it's that this guy was just disrespectful. They shouldn't just assume somebody is going to have sex with them because you've been dating for a few weeks. That's something you need to talk about properly and if it had come up later more respectfully things might have been different (although there's no way to know now). The fact that he told you you were overreacting also shows he didn't really respect you properly. I'm sorry, OP. That sucks.

I'm glad I'm almost aro/ace (but wish it were 100%) because if I were more interested in romance I'd have to try to navigate dating allo people. I think I might be able to transition to a sexual relationship eventually but I don't feel like most allo people would want to wait that long. But dating in the asexual community (aside from having limited options) means I'd end up on that side eventually and I hate when I'm the one who develops interest in a sexual relationship and the other person still can't. Two demi people getting together and everything working out and syncing up perfectly would be ideal but just seems wildly unlikely, you know? 100% aro/ace just seems so much easier.

[Ricecream-man]

He's a typical sexual guy. I think this situation is one that is a good excuse to explain your repulsion and sexuality to him.

If you like him otherwise then I'd give it a chance.

I don't blame him for what he did. In the sexual world, something like that is typically seen as harmless flirting. Now you have the chance to explain to him how you feel. If he's understanding of it then that's a good sign. If not, then it's a good reason for you to leave.

Ace - nonAce relationships are going to be hard. For a sex repulsed person it's going to be even harder. It doesn't mean you're not worthy. Not at all. From I remember of you, you're a pretty good person.

Perhaps check out some of the meetups if this one doesn't work out?

Best of luck! And miss you IcyIsis!

[scarletlatitude]

He probably thought he was being funny. The best course would be to be honest. If you really want to be with this guy, but he made you uncomfortable, tell him. Otherwise he won't know. Just say "I know you were trying to joke around, but sexual jokes make me really uncomfortable, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't say those kinds of things". You can come out to him if you want to go that route. Either way you have to tell him. I wouldn't throw out the whole relationship. Try to fix it first, then see how it goes.

I totally sympathize though. I dated a guy once who believed in the whole 3 dates = sex thing. He tried to get all handsy and I was like NOPE NOPE NOPE. I didn't know I was asexual at that point though so it was just a massive mess.

[WheelCuddle]

As a male, the biggest thing I noticed that I never thought about prior to accepting my asexuality, was all the sex jokes I made. I think there is some pressure that men have to display sexuality. Just try to understand how it affected you is not how he meant it. Sex jokes are not meant to be seen as an attack on you, but more of a display that a man is sexual, which society says is very important for men.

That doesn't mean you are not allowed to feel repulsed, but try to understand, what he communicated is not what you heard, talk to him, don't write him off over a joke.

[celebriticat]

Whether or not another person chooses to share love with you, it doesn't say anything about your worth. It merely speaks to their choice.

I've heard it said that there is no rejection, only protection. That being said, you can use occurrences like this as an opportunity to discuss your preferences, if you wish. You may help awaken another to possibilities beyond what they have known/considered.

[blue2 sky]

I will just reinforce what has been said he was just making a flirty joke.I think just keep spending time with him and if he gets full on too quickly again let him know have your boundaries but allow him to be himself. There is nothing you can do about being demi but you can work on building up your self esteem

[Blackmageofdoom]

Question, does he know that you are demi? Because that would be a good litmus test in terms of if he would be good for you.

[Unlabeled]

I'd been seeing a guy for a month, met up 5 times, started to really like him. Then yesterday he made a sexual "joke" about me. I said I'd been exercising and he said something about me "getting a work out" when I see him next. I was so disgusted, I didn't think he was the type to make sexual innuendos. The thing is I was only just starting to consider going all the way.. but when he said that, he ruined it. Complete turn off. I feel broken and unworthy of love. I'm also so disappointed as I thought he was more of a gentleman, and he made it seem like I was overreacting because I told him he'd made me feel uncomfortable. He doesn't know I'm demi. Is it normal to start considering sex but then be repulsed when they mention it? I'll probably always be single.

I'da handed him his hat too. While it's true that we humans overcomplicate everything especially sex, it shouldn't be so difficult to find decent people to play with. I wouldn't say it's anything about you beyond maybe having a tendency to pick people like this. Junkfood type people - look good on the outside, but no good for ya if you eat it. :)

Isn't anything about you being unworthy. Just says you have standards most should be able to meet, but you need to try and find a better class of people to get involved with. Where ever you met this guy, don't return hoping to find good people. Like don't go to bars unless you're trying to find substance abusers. Don't go to church unless you enjoy an earful of morality and sin chatter. :)

While there's wisdom in not dipping your pen into office ink, sometimes work, school, and where you live is your best bet for finding playmates.

[demiandproud]

Right so, first, YOU TOTALLY DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!! Have a cyberhug! It's awful to feel unworthy and doubt yourself. You're totally not alone in feeling like that sometimes.

As to sex in relationships: even allosexual people will wait months to do it, especially if they prefer a longer relationship, so not weird at all. Not even weird if you decide never to add a sexual component to your relationship.

If the guy made one joke... If at that moment it made you freeze up and later you think about what hurt you about it, go tell him. It's going to feel a little lame to say it straight-up, yeah, but it's a great opportunity to see if you can not only potentially have sex, but also talk about sex with each other. Good luck.