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Am I asexual?


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I know it sounds absurd but I'm not sure. Growing up, I always just assumed I was straight.

I had sex for the first time when I was 18 and I hated it. He could tell I hated it and thought it was physically painful so he broke up with me. I didn't even care because I didn't really feel a good intellectual, emotional, or physical attraction to him. I guess I was just trying to "get rid of my virginity" (that sounds moronic in retrospect but that was my idea at the time).

Well anyway, right after him, I fell truly in love intellectually and emotionally with a man. Finally, it came to the physical part... I hated it again. I told him that I wanted to keep trying. He stopped caring about me the moment he found out I hated the sex and broke up with me shortly after.

After him, I got s-faced drunk and had sex with a random - yes, I hated it. Well by this point, I finally started to question my life choices and decided I needed to settle down. I emersed myself in my studies.

One day I was bored in the library and decided to go on a dating website. I started an "online relationship" with a guy. When he asked to hang out, I declined to meet him (even though I wanted to be in a "real life" relationship with him). I didn't want to go through the whole "sex ordeal" with him only to be broken hearted again.

So that brings me to where I am now. I haven't dated or had sex with anyone in 5 years. I will admit, there is a part of me that wants to be in a relationship and I want to love sex like the rest of the planet. But at what cost? I definitely do not want to go whoring around town again in search of good sex. Plus there's the possibility that I truly do hate sex and will never like it with anyone. Am I an asexual or just haven't found "good sex?"

Just to add: I don't have any sexual/physical trauma in my past, I don't have any medical issues/pharmaceutical side-effects that would affect my sex drive, my non-sexual connections with men have been positive, and I consider myself happy with my life overall.

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NewfangledArtist

Hi there, first off welcome.

Although I should say only you can truly determine that - to me, I think you could be. Do you ever or only rarely experience sexual attraction towards someone? If you're never really drawn in by the thought of it, you could be ace spectrum. It's possible for asexuals to desire romantic relationships, to me I think you could be a heteroromantic, but not heterosexual.

Although some people feel very sexually attracted, but are touch averse. Which makes it tough, but it sounds like you were ok with being touched up until that point to me. Averse people don't normally make it that far. Probably ace, but I'm just guessing from the sound of things.

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I know it's not helpful, but no one can tell you who you are, you have to do that. Hey, you don't even have to have a label. If you want a label, search for one that makes the most sense. It sounds like you don't like sex, so you're probably on the ace spectrum. You may want to go digging around looking for terms if you want a label. If you do experience sexual attraction but don't want actual sex, then I think it's called akoisexual. Other than that, you might just be sex-averse or something like that. There are definitely people who know a lot more than I do. Just my ten cents.

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Even if you haven't found good sex, if you were sexual you'd still have the impulse to do sexual things to a persons body. Have you ever had that? The impulse to have contact with their genitals?

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As said above, only you can determine if you are asexual or not.

That said, I can offer you my opinion.

Can I ask you a simple question?

Have you ever, personally, had a desire to have sex with another person? Or have you simply been looking for a companion/romantic partner?

I don't mean wanting to have sex because that is what is expected of you, or because you wanted to lose your virginity, or because you want to be "normal," Have you ever wanted to have sex because YOU wanted to have sex?

If you have wanted to have sex with another person, then I would say you are NOT an asexual. It could be that you have another problem making sex horrible for you, but it is not because of your orientation.

If you have NOT wanted to have sex with another person, then I would say it is probably because you are an asexual.

Regardless, Welcome to Aven, have some cake:

6933079785_d5f852e1d0_b_zpsxm2ffpkr.jpg

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WünderBâhr

Sorry that you had to go through all that. I understand not wanting to get more emotionally invested when the thought of heartbreak looms over you.

Not having a pleasurable experience being physically/sexually intimate with someone can definitely impact a relationship where that sort of intimacy is expected or wanted/needed. I've heard my sexual friends say that bad sex can change the dynamic they have with their partners, but it seems like a high expectation for something usually based on more than physical intimacy, alone.

Sexual attraction isn't exclusively tied to behavior, either, so that may not help in figuring out orientation. It can be a pretty fuzzy topic, so some confusion is natural. And as it has already been mentioned, we can't directly tell you what label to use--though we can share our own experiences in comparison and maybe offer advice (with a grain of salt). It would seem from your post, that asexuality is a reasonable conclusion, though. Not really enough information to say for sure. Either way, many welcomes to the community! *adds to :cake: pile*

Edited by bipolar bear
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