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Was there an event or conversation that made you realise you were asexual?


RatherBeReading

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Well I've known about asexuality for probably... about ten years now, but back then I was too young to really be worried about sex, so of course I just assumed I was straight because that was what was normal. Then about 5 years ago, I realized that I had an equal attraction to both men and women which lead me to believe that maybe I was bi, but I knew that I had no desire to have sex with men (and of course later I found out that I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone at all, and that's why I found them equally attractive). Then about exactly a year ago, I came across a definition for sexual attraction which stated that "sexual attraction requires that you have an immediate desire to have sex or an intimate relationship with someone based on their appearance and behaviors" or something along those lines. This deeply confused me, since I had never felt that way about anyone, so I remembered asexuality and decided to look it up, and i found this site. The FAQs and everything on AVEN helped me through deciding that I was asexual for certain, and then it immediately all made sense.

It made so much sense to me, because I always found things relating to sex to be very awkward and pointless. Sex scenes in movies and sexual advertising just never made any sense, nor did porn, and I always wondered how people kept making those things. It was also very common for my dad, stepdad, and mom to talk about if I found anyone attractive, or if I'll ever go to a strip club, and all I'd be able to tell them is "I can't think of anyone in specific that I find attractive" and "I don't see a point in going to a strip club, it's a lot of money for objectifying people in a way that doesn't have any use to me". Now I can see exactly where answers like those came from, and I can't really bring myself to tell them about my asexuality, since they'd probably freak out and misunderstand.

And soon after finding out I was ace, I had a few friends whom I told , and it turns out I had three close friends who admitted to also being ace, which made it really easy to be comfortable around them. Whenever I bring up asexuality, whether I tell people I'm ace or not, they get really confused about what it means and how it works, and they really cannot find a way to understand it even when I relate it to their own experiences as sexuals.

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What made me start realizing I may be different was when the people I'd play games with online started dedicating their time to potential relationships. I thought to myself, "We have so much fun online playing these games, why would they want to stop playing? What is it about a relationship that takes people away from their friends? How could a relationship be more fun then slaying zombies online?"

Those thoughts caused me to research relationships, and see why people are so quick to jump at the first sign of one. None of what I was researching made sense to me, and at that point I knew the way I thought about relationships were different then most.

Maybe it was a bit selfish on my part to expect my friends to devote their attention to only me, but I felt abandoned. As silly as it sounds, I still get that feeling of abandonment when I'm not their center of attention. I'm better now at suppressing those feelings because it's not fair to expect my friends to pay attention to only me.

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Ms.Frankenstein

There was no concrete defining moment for me; it was a lot of little stuff that makes me realize I don't feel things the way others do. For example, when I read through some of the discussions here about sex and compromise in relationships. When sexual people talk about how important sex is to them and why I think "Huh. I really don't grok that at all! *does not compute*"

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PoeticAnthem

First off, I'm Catholic, homeschooled, and I live in the south. Needless to say, I didn't know shit about sex or sexual attraction. I think my opinion on sex was just really vague because it was never addressed head-on in any shape or form at any point in my life. I had a sex drive, and I actually thought I was overly sexual because I'd never had anyone else's experiences to compare mine to (How wrong I was.) I first heard about asexuality because I came across the word on tumblr. I had a very basic idea of what it meant, and I wanted to have an asexual character in one of my stories because it seemed to fit his character well. I did some research so I could portray him appropriately, and found that I'd been wrong about pretty much everything regarding sexual attraction. I started comparing myself to my findings online, and discovered that I fit the mold easily. Plenty of things that had puzzled me before started making sense. I'd always called my aversion for sexual romance in books "unexplainable." Suddenly, there was an explanation. I flipped through my journal, as well, to see how long I'd known I felt this way. I had half a dozen quotes that aligned with the experiences of asexuals. I'd already defined how I felt, I just didn't know it was so unusual, or that it had a label. But if I had to pinpoint a moment when I really KNEW, it would be when I found this website, which offered answers to some of my more complicated questions.

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One really notable one, I was talking with my friends, who are all very excited to go to college next year (as am I) and they were saying how they'd like to experiment in casual sex, maybe having a few one night stands. I said, "Oh no, I couldn't do that," and then the conversation turned into this whole thing about why not. I said things like "I don't like the idea of having sex without having a deep emotional connection" (at this point, I have only been attracted to, but am still not active with, my current boyfriend of 7 months) and they said things like "Well, it sounds like you're putting too much emphasis on emotions when it comes to sex. Sex doesn't have to mean love. It can be something to make you feel good, to tide you over until you want a relationship." The whole thing sounded crazy to me. They seemed to assume (not wrongfully so, I've presented as a fully sexual cis-het for years) that I was making a moral choice, not that this was part of my orientation. That "not wanting" meant abstinence, not indifference. I had loosely identified as demi for a few months, but this prompted me to really do my research and get in the thick of things with my asexual tendencies. The contrast was too stark to ignore.

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I had that realization when I read the word for the first time. There was an argument on a fb page and this person commented 'even I find him hot and I'm asexual' (him being Alan Rickman xD). Anyway, I had never heard or seen that word, and suddenly I was like, is that it? Is that why I haven't got a clue if I like girls or boys, because I don't like either? I did a bit of research, asked a few online friends. One of them told me she had suspected I might be ace for a while (she's bi), and then I was sure and I've only been more and more sure since then ^_^

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GwendolynAngel83

Hm....it was under a year ago, but I can't remember exactly how it came up. I know I was talking to my friend and she mentioned her own asexuality and how her psychology magor friend told her about it and how it's a spectrum. I had never heard the word before so when I went to babysit that night I went online and researched, ending up finding AVEN and learning about asexuality and aromanticism. It was a full in the face "Hey that's me!" Sort of thing. The amusing thing is that my friend is fairly shy, sexually-repulsed girl and neither she or I have any clue how the heck it came up for her first to mention it. Then again, our conversations go in all sorts of directions

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AdaAimee923

After I found out what asexuality was, I just thought "well, okay, I'm asexual." But I didn't tell anyone because I guess I still didn't really identify as ace.

And then I met this guy. It was my first day working at the local movie theater. We both had a similar, sarcastic/mean sense of humor and got along instantly. My immediate thought was "Hey, we could definitely be friends!!" But as the days and weeks went by, he started acting....well, he just treated me differently as opposed to everyone else at work. He would seek me out just to talk to me, even if it was only for a minute. I'd catch him looking at me from across the room. He'd ALWAYS go out of his way to make me laugh. He'd save a seat for me at meetings, and if they were early in the morning he'd pretend to fall asleep on my shoulder. I found it nice, but I genuinely thought that he was just being friendly.

And then I talked to my best friend about it, and she informed me that he 100% liked me. And then two of my other friends all told me that their boyfriends acted exactly like this before they started dating. And then my best guy friend in the WORLD told me "honestly I do all of that when I'm interested in a dating someone or am trying to flirt with them."

All of that made me super nervous, so I tried ignoring it.

Aaaaaaaaand then the guy asked me out.

I immediately texted my friend and said "HE ASKED ME OUT BUT I CAN'T GO BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE'S SUPER GREAT I'M KINDA SORTA /REALLY/ ASEXUAL, WHAT DO I DO?!"

So that's what happened with me. Sorry for the long comment.

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UncommonNonsense

For me, it was related to finally getting my formal autism diagnosis. My parents had known that it was highly possible that I was somewhere on the autism spectrum ever since I was in nursery school, but had never pursued it. Worse, they never told me, which caused me enormous problems through school (no adaptive supports, no protection from bullying, no help for my learning/processing problems) and in the social arena.

I found out about it accidentally, when a coworker asked me for help doing research after her grandson was dxed PDD-NOS. As I researched, I found the information I was getting fit me too. And when I brought this up with my parents, they confirmed that they had me tested when I was 3 and it had been determined that I was somewhere on the autistic spectrum, but they had never pursued it. Back in the 70's, so little was known about autism, especially for kids who were less impacted by it.. the kind of kids who get HFA or Aspergers diagnoses today.

As I looked deeper into the available info, I discovered a few psychologists and neurologists who claimed that people on the autism spectrum identified as asexual at a higher rate than the general population. I had no idea what the word 'asexual' meant. When I was in school, sex ed only covered heterosexual sex, and mentioned homosexuality only in passing and only negatively, and though I'd heard of bisexuality, it was still being mostly portrayed as the ultimate in sexuall indiscretion in my area. I knew so little about non-heterosexual sexuality, even though my best friend was a gay boy.

So I looked up asexuality on Exite (pre-Google search engine), and what I found also ended up describing me to a 'T'. Finally, I had a term that fit me, after groping around in the dark and finding only poor fitting terms that worked a tiny bit but were either seen as insults (frigid, spinster) or didn't really describe me (religious-based morality-linked terms like 'saving oneself for marriage'.. I'm an atheist!).

I finally got my formal HFA diagnosis at 21. My therapist agreed that 'asexual' also fit me, and never tried to 'fix', pathologize, or 'treat' it.

Years later, this forum came into being, and I've been here, off and on, ever since.

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andreas1033

No, i think as a male anyway(i do not know how females know), that i knew around 13 or so.

It had nout to do with others, or what others say. Of course later i had to confirm it for myself, and by 23 yep, i had totally confirmed i was totally asexual.

So no, there was nothing to do with others that started it, i knew already. I think males know when they are young if they are not going to be interested in sex. Like i said, i have no idea if females whom are asexual know at those ages, or when ever they work it out, but i think males know when they are young.

Of course you have to confirm it in real world, and let things happen, to prove things, to find out for sure.

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UncommonNonsense

No, i think as a male anyway(i do not know how females know), that i knew around 13 or so.

It had nout to do with others, or what others say. Of course later i had to confirm it for myself, and by 23 yep, i had totally confirmed i was totally asexual.

So no, there was nothing to do with others that started it, i knew already. I think males know when they are young if they are not going to be interested in sex. Like i said, i have no idea if females whom are asexual know at those ages, or when ever they work it out, but i think males know when they are young.

Of course you have to confirm it in real world, and let things happen, to prove things, to find out for sure.

I'm female, and I knew that I didn't want what other people wanted even long before I knew what sex was. I just knew I would not choose to pair off as a couple, choose to get married or have kids when I became an adult, or let boys kiss/touch me. I was aware of this even when I was as young as 3 years old. I was older than many kids are now when I found out what sex was, and I was absolutely disgusted, appalled, nauseated, and repelled by the entire concept, not to mention the idea that I would be expected to take part! As soon as I found out what sex was, I was determined that I would never do it or allow someone to do that to me. I didn't know the term 'asexual' until I was in my 20's, though, so I tried to avoid romantic entanglements. I privately referred to myself as 'totally uninterested', when it came to sex. For me, knowing this was as intrinsic as knowing that I needed to breathe air and wasn't tied to age or puberty.

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As a teenager I sort of knew I wasn't attracted to either gender, but I presumed I was straight and just a late-bloomer as they call it. I thought that sex had to mean something, I had to be in love and not just sleep with anyone to try it out. I guess subconsciously I did sort of drove away guys who were interested in me because I really couldn't understand how they would look at a person and decide they wanted to have sex with that person.

Fast forward to university: my friends are all sexual, but most of them aren't confident with guys either so I did feel at home. I would let conversations about hot guys just slide. Then I went on an exchange to England and that's where I had my big eye opener. My friends there were all very sexual and this was the first time I felt uncomfortable with saying I was a virgin because I knew they would think it's very strange to be 21 and still a virgin. Towards the end of my stay there, I was talking to this girl who explained to me that she was raped a year before and that she hadn't had sex since and how sexually active she was before it happened. She actually used the words 'I'm 21 and I haven't had sex in a year, how weird is that?' That kind of got me thinking about how I was 21, never had sex, never even been kissed, and I didn't mind at all. I googled a bit when I was alone in my room that night and found some forum/question/... thing were someone asked exactly what I was thinking: Am I weird for not having done all this sex stuff? Someone in the replies mentioned asexuality which let me to AVEN.

Although it was pretty clear to me that asexuality fits me, I still don't openly identify as ace. I felt like nothing has changed: I am me and just because there is a word for it now doesn't mean I'm different. But at the same time realizing that my sexuality will not kickstart when I meet the right guy and knowing that if I tell people they will probably look at me different has been a challenge. It's a long way of acceptance, but here I am, little over a year after I discovered asexuality and writing my first post!

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DistractedAce

It's been a long year coming. i was actually being treated for a low libido and poor hormonal response by my doc, until i decided i didn't want to be on pills long term anymore. Because while i was masturbating more, it wasn't helping me with a sexual response to other people. i actually didn't come across the term asexual until i found it in a fanfic. And then i was curious, because i hadn't heard of it before. As i read more and more about it, i found more and more in relation to me. It was terrifying to me, because for the longest time, i had been identifying as a low-libido panseuxal. As i refused relationship after relationship, i tried to figure out what it was that made me do it, and realized it was because i was afraid of the commitment to sexual behavior that i didn't want. And now, here i am, admitting to myself that i'm asexual, and admitting to others that i am.

tl:dr: fanfiction, lol.

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