Was there an event or conversation that made you realise you were asexual?

[RatherBeReading]

I've been thinking about the process of how I came to realise what I am, and I realised that part of it was a conversation with a new friend.

We were talking about my long-term relationship with my (sexual) boyfriend, and she asked, 'So how did you guys start dating? Were you both like "Wow this person is so hot, I have to be with them!"?' and that made me pause. And I said, 'No, it was never really like that for us.' She asked, 'So what was it?' And I had no idea. But this line of questioning led me to the realisation that I've NEVER felt or thought that way about someone. If my boyfriend wasn't a very sexual person, I doubt we would even kiss often, as it was in my previous relationships (though those were also all in my early teens, so youth/inexperience may be a factor there).

Just curious if anyone else has had a moment of enlightenment like that, something that really made you think about your sexuality and come to this conclusion.

[Lady Norgard]

I was about 15 when I found out about asexuality. I'd never felt anything sexual, or any need for a relationship like my friends did, so I was worried that my autism had broke, for lack of a better word, something. So I googled! And I found this very website and was like 'Ohhhhhh! So THATS why I'm different!'.

My friends seem to run off sex and boys, and I guess that's what brought me here :)

[deleted7]

My brother and I found out that my 28-year-old male cousin, who's never really been in a relationship, started dating another guy. My brother made a one-off comment that he was surprised; he'd always assumed that the cousin was asexual--that he "just didn't care". And it was like a little light bulb went off. One Google search later, and I knew. :) Of course, it was then that I found out the separation between romantic and sexual orientation--and that I was also aro.

[RoseGoesToYale]

I'm not sure if there was a definitive "Aha!" moment for me, it just kind of gradually made sense. I actually thought I was somewhat normal, until I realized society had me using the word "sexual attraction" to describe totally different feelings. I tend to poke around the internet, and one day I found an article on asexuality. After that, I googled and found AVEN, and after reading the faq section a few times, it started to make sense. The more I've read from others, the more everything has made sense.

[oldgeeza]

Mine was quite different, I tried sex due to peer pressure, I hated it, I had a lucky escape as I stopped functioning, all my relationships ended with partners cheating on me, now my father is a racist, homophobic piece of scum, if it moved, he had it, he was a serial cheat when he was with my mother, anyway, he hated me, I was born on the wrong side of the water (he's Welsh, I'm English), because I wasn't sexually active & wasn't in relationships, I was an English b*****d, pouff & queer, for a while I got a complex over it, but I realised, I don't even like sex, I have gay, trans & heterosexual friends, I have coloured friends too, I see people for who they are as opposed to their sexuality, it took best part of 20 years after he walked out of our lives to discover that I was asexual, well, I never knew there was a term for people who don't like sex & have no sex drive, I look, but I don't touch as I know that I can't satisfy a womans needs, I'm unaware if I have ever met an asexual lady, it's not the sort of thing you ask really though is it? but back when my father kept telling me I was a queer, I knew then, I had no sex drive, it wasn't him putting me down, I just never knew there was a name for it or that others had the same feelings towards sex.

[Autumn Season]

Somebody whom I dated mentioned and explained the word "asexual" to me. Afterwards I googled it, found AVEN and immediately felt at home.

There were many tiny events which made me certain that I am an ace. However before hearing about asexuality for the first time, I never considered myself to be different from other people.

For instance I thought that it was only natural to date for many months and get to know each other really well before attempting sex. Also, I never felt turned on when doing something sexual. Usually, during the whole situation, my mind would be a big question mark and slowly I would realize that "wait, the other person really likes this". Life is full of surprises.

[Elluna Hellen]

A while (I think maybe a few years? I don't even know really) back I saw this blog (kind of thing?) (not linked to AVEN, I think) about asexuality and I was just going through the list of experiences going 'this, this, this too, oh other people *do* feel that?' and then I was like 'ooooooooooooh, well that explains some stuff.' xD

[R_1]

I wasn't always asexual, but here's the event that made me realize what was going on. Back when my sexuality was dying, I was confused as to what was happening, and back then, I have always believed you were born with a sexual orientation, and I was questioning why my ability to feel sexual attraction was slowly dying off, and over time, I have explained it with sexual orientation changes because there is literally no other good explanation. If I was confused, then I would find that my interpretation of how I felt at the time would be inconsistent with what was felt, but that is not what I see and even years of questioning that my sexual orientation changes, I couldn't rule it out.

[Tes273]

When I found out about asexuality I wasn't sure whether I was asexual or not for a really long time because I thought everyone thought the same way as me and that I was just too young or my culture made me subconsciously celibate. Then when one of my friends said something along the lines of "this guy is so hot, I want him in my bed" I asked her if she'd actually have sex with him if she could and she said yes, and that was when I realised that my age and my culture didn't affect anything - it's just how I am.

[AveSatanas]

My psychiatrist demanded that I start working toward the the goal of having a relationship. After I pulled myself off the ceiling and very nearly went to the hospital for anxiety I realized that I was not meant to have a relationship or to have sex ever again. The relief was so great that I was nearly delirious. Then I came to AVEN and found out that I was not wanted and did not belong and was not allowed to call myself asexual because I experience sexual attraction all over the place and I fantasizes like crazy about things that are just nobody's business but my own. Since I never want to act on my sexual attractions, do not want romance or to be touched, and my fantasies are nobody's business but my own and don't involve being married or having partners I just call myself celibate even though it sure feels like a sexual orientation to me. AVENites get on my nerves a wee bit, and I have way too much libido to relate to most posts, but I hang here because there is nowhere else to go.

[New Strawberry 8]

I realized I was asexual gradually. I was actually in denial about it for a while. I knew I didn't like sex at all and didn't have the kind of feelings that lead people to sex, but I just couldn't believe that I would be anything other than heterosexual. When I was 17 or 18 some people told me I seemed asexual, and while I denied it, it got me to thinking. Thinking about it led me to this site, where I learned exactly what it means to be asexual and just how much it perfectly explains how I had been feeling. Some offhand remarks were what originally gave me the idea that I might be, but this site convinced me that I am %100 ace.

[IAmNoBird]

I first realized I was "different" on my fifteenth birthday. See, I'd learned there was a certain way you talked about attractive people. I'd never really taken it seriously, I just thought that was what you said, you didn't *really* want to sleep with that person, right?

So at the time the Pirates of the Caribbean was pretty big, and Johnny Depp/ Captain Jack was the favorite among my friends, and he was pretty neat, so I liked him, too. My family knew I thought he was "hot". So, on my fifteenth birthday, I come home from school to find a life size cardboard cutout of Captain Jack waiting for me, apparently as a birthday surprise, right inside the front door. My first thought was "what the hell am I going to do with this?" And it occurred to me, as I tried to pretend I was thrilled with the gift, that some of my friends would've been more than happy with to get something like that, and suddenly it seemed really weird to me.

I dunno, up until then I guess I'd assumed everyone was lying about it like I was?

[KuraiTsuki]

I never really thought I was anything but heterosexual by default until I had my first kiss and I hated it. Then I thought about going further and realized that I would never want to do that. So I looked it up and found aven where I found out that what I feel doesn't go past romantic attraction. I accepted it pretty easily it was kind of relieving to know.

[Elluna Hellen]

My psychiatrist demanded that I start working toward the the goal of having a relationship. After I pulled myself off the ceiling and very nearly went to the hospital for anxiety I realized that I was not meant to have a relationship or to have sex ever again. The relief was so great that I was nearly delirious. Then I came to AVEN and found out that I was not wanted and did not belong and was not allowed to call myself asexual because I experience sexual attraction all over the place and I fantasizes like crazy about things that are just nobody's business but my own. Since I never want to act on my sexual attractions, do not want romance or to be touched, and my fantasies are nobody's business but my own and don't involve being married or having partners I just call myself celibate even though it sure feels like a sexual orientation to me. AVENites get on my nerves a wee bit, and I have way too much libido to relate to most posts, but I hang here because there is nowhere else to go.

Heeey, who made you feel unwelcome? EVERYONE belongs here! Unless you're going to be an ass, but you're not doing that.

[Guest]

As for the state of being asexual... pretty sure that "being given the talk" was enough to show me that this sex stuff is not my cuppa. And unlike a lot of other kids who have that reaction, too (it's not all that uncommon, AFAIK), for me it just never changed from that initial reaction, not even in and after puberty... I just started masturbating, but remained uninterested and icked out by interpersonal sex.

As for calling myself asexual/identifying with the term... reading the definition on AVEN.de (which is different from the one here; AVEN.de speaks of urge/desire for sexual interaction, not of "sexual attraction") was all it took. It clearly described what I've felt all my life, so it was a quick matter-of-fact thing to accept the label for myself.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

We were in biology in about year 9 or 10, and we were on the subject of reproductive organs. Everyone else was making innuendos/rude remarks/giggling and I, as usual, was sat in my corner grossed out and stoic. They got on the subject of STDs and bacteria which led to the asexuality word being mentioned. My friends all suddenly looked at me like they'd had an epiphany; 'That's what you are!' they cried 'You're asexual!'

Now, none of us knew asexual was an orientation but I jovially went along with it and when I got home (the days before internet phones!), I researched the term and came across the orientation. There and then I knew, some sod had come up with the phrase before we did!

[Cherry Toothache]

That Ace Day in May, I decided to educate myself about asexuality, and just sat there like, "Oh... Oh."

So my event was Tumblr on the 8th May.

[Nadia Hope]

I don't think the was one event of me figuring out I was asexual. It took some time. I've started wondering about it last year, but didn't really care about looking things up and learning about asexuality. And then I got into a relationship with an amazing person, who helped me figure out myself. :) So, then technically, the event that made me realise I was asexual, was me finding a great relationship.

[blacktea]

I had always assumed I was straight because that is what everyone assumed I was, but I realized I was asexual after having a conversation with a couple lesbian teammates at dinner. They were talking about their relationships, how they came out etc. and then they were like "wait a minute, we've never heard you reference a boyfriend or even a crush, tell us about your relationships" "well, um, I've never had or been really interested in a boy" "well you could always switch sides and join our team haha" It was then that it hit me, I'm just as interested in, and attracted to boys as I am in girls...that is to say not at all. I then googled different types of sexual orientations and that is how I discovered asexuality. It was amazing how relived I felt, and how much sense it made.

[Annapox]

So, I'm Catholic, and I somehow got confused and thought that sexual attraction was exactly the same thing as lust, and that therefore I was just being a good Catholic by not feeling it. Then one of my friends mentioned being asexual, and I asked her how she knew (out of genuine curiosity, not trying to invalidate her). She sent me over to AVEN's front page where I read every single FAQ and realized that sexual attraction isn't actually a voluntary thing and that most people feel it, even if they're celibate. Whoops.

At this point my social group includes four aces and one demi, and we all knew each other long before we started coming out.

[Miss Wrong]

I always thought I was just a "late bloomer" but I always knew I was a little different. While my friends were like "look at so and so he's SO HOT" I would comment that he had a lovely hair cut or nice eyes and they teased me about it and I thought it was fine. I had heard of asexuality but I thought I couldn't be that because I had done sexua-ishl things before as well as dated several people. One day I saw a post on tumblr that you can have and enjoy sex and still be asexual because it is the lack of attraction that defines it and that sort of sealed the deal. I saved it and read it sometimes when I doubt myself.

[Adrian.]

I guess I just didn't know it was possible. I stumbled upon asexuality as I was watching all sorts of documentaries and watched the (a)sexual documentary and then I was like "I think that is me." It felt really good to hear from the documentary that you don't have to have sexual relationships in your life and that made me feel relieved knowing that I am able to have deep relationships with other individuals without having sex.

[Torquil]

My psychiatrist demanded that I start working toward the the goal of having a relationship. After I pulled myself off the ceiling and very nearly went to the hospital for anxiety I realized that I was not meant to have a relationship or to have sex ever again. The relief was so great that I was nearly delirious. Then I came to AVEN and found out that I was not wanted and did not belong and was not allowed to call myself asexual because I experience sexual attraction all over the place and I fantasizes like crazy about things that are just nobody's business but my own. Since I never want to act on my sexual attractions, do not want romance or to be touched, and my fantasies are nobody's business but my own and don't involve being married or having partners I just call myself celibate even though it sure feels like a sexual orientation to me. AVENites get on my nerves a wee bit, and I have way too much libido to relate to most posts, but I hang here because there is nowhere else to go.

I can relate to this a lot. I believe we are best classified as self-sexuals or asexual fetishists. We're still asexual because we don't have a desire for partnered sex, but we are different from most asexuals in terms of the frequency of sexual fantasies and attractions.

As I've repeated in many places, this is why the term "sexual attraction" should be avoided in asexuality discussions. Believe it or not, it's possible to experience sexual attractions but not desire partnered sex or sexual contact with another person. I use the term autochorissexuality because I feel that it best conveys that I have attractions but do not desire to be a participant in sexual activities. There is a disconnect between attractions and the self. As soon as I think of myself being involved in sex with another person it turns me off completely.

[Dizzard]

Nothing really. I was just drawing a blank on my sexuality, to the point where I barely even thought about it growing up. It was forever this thing that was going to become obvious one day, but that day was never coming. I think it would have been next to impossible for me to have any success figuring myself out back then, so in that sense I'm glad I didn't notice it that much. (I just assumed everyone felt the same way I did) There are aspects to sexuality that I'm only discovering now, younger me would have been totally out of his depth.

Eventually when I was 19 and in college it reached a point where I started to worry (I mean what kind of adult hasn't had sex I thought, or at least figured out who they want to have sex with. It was only then I started feeling like I was missing out on something that everyone else was in on.) and I then discovered AVEN (I think somebody mentioned it to me on another forum)

[*a*rteest]

It was a long process. I absolutely knew I was "different" at 7 or 8 and mentioned it briefly to my mother, but didn't have the words for it. So I left it go.

Ten years ago I joined AVEN, read almost everything I could and kept nodding my head "yeah...huh...yeah that's ME." I actually had to research what sexual attraction even was because i really had not ever had it ever in my life and had never even truly discussed sex with ANYONE. Ever. I'm also aromantic (as I learned) and have never dated or had any interest in dating...so the topic really never came up in my life. It was something I just simply never thought about. And when i read stuff about what sexual attraction *was* I went "yeah, that's definitely NOT me."

I refused to come out at first because i did not want my identity totally wrapped up in my orientation, as sometimes happens in the LGBT community with those who are straight. i didn't think it was important. but I've been out on the Internet now for about a month and a half and have told two people locally. So I'm trying to get my own identity out there for others who may have questions. :)

[ilovecatsnotyou]

in middle school and my first year of high school, i noticed that people my age were starting to get interested in sex but i never really cared much about it. i just assumed that it would matter more when i was older. between the ages of 14 and 16 i often had sexual fantasies, but i never really cared whether or not it actually happened and eventually i just stopped thinking about sex at all because i didn't see the point. the only reason i ever really thought about it in the first place was because i constantly saw it in tv/movies. i didn't actually start to wonder whether or not i was asexual until i sort of had a sexual experience. we didn't actually have sex, but the things we did made me uncomfortable, and i realized that i definitely didn't want anything more. i looked up asexuality as soon as i got home, and sure enough it described me

[Agape]

I remember it very well... *Cue flashback music

My brother and I were talking when I was like... 16, and he was joking around about something or the other, and said "What are you gay?"

I denied this (not gay), and he said "Yeah, I was just kidding, at worst you're asexual"

I denied this (had no idea what it meant), googled it later, and yeah... asexual... I guess, or whatever. Not really looking for sex, but not really bound to any particular label or anything... It fits close enough though.

[*Neko Tosiba*]

I'm not really sure.... alittle over a year ago my friend started tinking she was ace and talked to me about it. Over the next few month i reaslizedc I was asce too. I never really thought of people as hot so when people asked me who was hot I was akaward. Plus I don't like kissing.... so the reaseasch for my friend really made me reaslise it. Not as cvonversation....

[AwkwardGuy]

Over the years, I realized that I could never get "too" emotionally or physically turned on by a real person. I could do that in my daydreams, but not with a real person. I also noticed that I was not attracted to a specific physical type. I could objectively think that a person looked very attractive, but any attraction to them was not significant. I discovered that it was only specific situations that I was attracted to, rather than specific people. If I found a situation to be exciting, then the people involved were exciting only because they were a part of the situation.

There were women who I became attracted to in a demisexual manner, especially as our friendship became closer, but again the situation or context of the friendship had to be arousing to me in some way. This was not normal to need so many factors in place to feel aroused or attracted. Also, I could never get aroused just looking at a woman, if there were no emotional connections or triggers between us. Many men react physically to certain types of beautiful women, even if the women are strangers, but I don't.

It was not until discovering and reading through this site last week, that I realized I may be on the asexual spectrum. I'm not asexual, but I believe that I have tendencies of both demisexuality and gray-sexuality, and I'm becoming more asexual over time

[ButterfliesOnWatch]

I was talking with 3 friends, one of whom is gray-ace. It was one of those 2 or 3 am conversations during reading week in college, so I don't remember how it came up because we'd been talking about all kinds of things. Anyway, my gray-ace friend said something about asexuality and I asked her to explain. She said that asexual people don't experience sexual attraction and I remember thinking, "What even is that?" I still don't understand it. She explained it and her own sexuality. She went to bed and my other 2 friends asked me if I thought that I might be ace. I said I wasn't sure and one of my friends told me that it was ok for me not to know.

I thought about it more later and figured that it fits, at least for now.