Ever been through a questioning phase?

[TheKindredSoul]

I am just curious if this is normal. When you discovered you may be asexual, did you ever go through a phase where you explored?

I mean, like purposely thought sexual things about the opposite or same sex to see if it produced any responses? Back when I was extremely obsessed over determining wether I was asexual or not (and due to people telling me I was homosexual) I went through a lot of questioning. It was a very difficult time for me. I used to have a lot of sexual thoughts because I wanted to see if I really was asexual, or was just someone who has not developed an orientation yet.

Now that I am (almost) certain that I am asexual, I question myself a lot less. However, I still sometimes imagine myself being "sexual" or stereotypically "romantic" when I get extremely bored (which is weird, because I am repulsed). It does not mean I want those things, but for some reason I find it fun to imagine myself as something as I am not (there is something very amusing about me being my opposite self). My mind isn't even able to imagine it correctly because I have not even experienced those things...so the thought comes out really funny, awkward, and weird. It is like my mind draws a blank and it comes out completely messed up. Most times imagining these things make me laugh because I know I don't act that way. I frequently do this with other stuff too. For example, I imagine myself being a fairy/dragon hybrid or something (don't judge me) even though I am obviously not. Not sure if I am normal.

Maybe I am just a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual for having questioned myself so much? Has anyone ever done something similar?

[OttRInvy]

Yeah, I did the same thing. It was for a pretty short period, though. I tried it, it felt forced/weird, then I just kind of forgot about it.

I find people highly aesthetically pleasing, so it got very tiring very quickly to look at someone and "ruin" it by trying to make it sexual.

However, I still sometimes imagine myself being "sexual" or stereotypically "romantic" when I get extremely bored (which is weird, because I am repulsed).

Yeah. Sometimes I'll look at my body and take a second to worry that it isn't sexy enough/no man will ever "want" me. Then I'll wonder why that's important given that my body isn't meant to look sexy/I don't want to be "wanted" that way.

Anyways, I find it pretty normal. Society's been teaching me (and is still teaching me) that these are things I should want, so it's going to take me a while to become totally comfortable with the fact I don't want it/it doesn't apply to me.

[SkyWorld]

Maybe I am just a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual for having questioned myself so much?

No, there's no "right way" to be aromantic asexual. Aromantic is simply the lack of romantic attraction as asexual is simply the lack of sexual attraction, it is not behavior. There's absolutely nothing wrong with questioning. And for example, just because one asexual isn't sex-repulsed doesn't make their asexuality any less valid than an asexual who is sex-repulsed. There are so many other examples that could take place, but my point is, one can't be more or less aromantic or asexual as the other.

I have indeed done something similar, but it was more to do with my gender identity... I used to think I was cis! But... I was very curious about the trans* community... very curious. At first I thought I couldn't be the opposite sex, no way! Yet... I still had that thought in mind and thought a lot about it and made the conclusion that it probably wouldn't change anything about me, but it would be fascinating. I was afraid to question myself for simplicity's sake, but I couldn't help but wonder. So... I went ahead and did some experimenting... and I don't regret it one bit!

Back on topic... again, there's absolutely nothing wrong with questioning. Whether you finding something new about yourself or not, there's no harm done.

On a side note: it's nice to see you again, Kitty, it's been a while! :D :Cake: I hope you are doing well.

[AlwaysADreamer]

I'm one of those people who likes to do research before they commit to something (in many circumstances). So I spent a lot or time on the AVEN Q&A page, watching youtube videos, and generally poking around online and seeing how I compare (in a sense) before I actually considered myself asexual. I'm quite content with my asexuality, but occasionally there will be some residual doubt that I attribute to lack of knowledge about it for the longest time.

The romantics is still something I'm questioning. Again, I partially attribute that to lack of education on the romantic spectrum and my perception of "normal" growing up, but there are other reasons. ANYWAY (got a bit sidetracked) I've definitely gone through questioning phases with both sexuality and romantics (and gender, but that's a whole other can of worms :P ).

So, long spiel short, you are not a sad excuse for an aro ace, and it's not shameful to question.

In the words of Tyler Oakley (and many others, I'm assuming) "You do you." :D

[TheKindredSoul]

Yeah, I did the same thing. It was for a pretty short period, though. I tried it, it felt forced/weird, then I just kind of forgot about it.

I find people highly aesthetically pleasing, so it got very tiring very quickly to look at someone and "ruin" it by trying to make it sexual.

However, I still sometimes imagine myself being "sexual" or stereotypically "romantic" when I get extremely bored (which is weird, because I am repulsed).

Yeah. Sometimes I'll look at my body and take a second to worry that it isn't sexy enough/no man will ever "want" me. Then I'll wonder why that's important given that my body isn't meant to look sexy/I don't want to be "wanted" that way.

Anyways, I find it pretty normal. Society's been teaching me (and is still teaching me) that these are things I should want, so it's going to take me a while to become totally comfortable with the fact I don't want it/it doesn't apply to me.

I'm really glad I am not alone in this. My thoughts were forced as well, and I did not really like them. They did not produce any desire or pleasure of any sort, so I would quickly get bored and nothing would ever really happen (hugging is nice though). I also noticed that these thoughts are extremely hard for me to produce, and when I do, they are always completely inaccurate and impossible. Everything turns out completely wrong. It is kind of like my mind is all like: "CANNOT COMPUTE!". It makes me wonder why I forced myself to think things that I didn't enjoy. Also, when I get these thoughts, the "me" in my imagination is considered a separate entity. I'm weird. I am still extremely repulsed as ever.

Maybe I am just a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual for having questioned myself so much?

No, there's no "right way" to be aromantic asexual. Aromantic is simply the lack of romantic attraction as asexual is simply the lack of sexual attraction, it is not behavior. There's absolutely nothing wrong with questioning. And for example, just because one asexual isn't sex-repulsed doesn't make their asexuality any less valid than an asexual who is sex-repulsed. There are so many other examples that could take place, but my point is, one can't be more or less aromantic or asexual as the other.

I have indeed done something similar, but it was more to do with my gender identity... I used to think I was cis! But... I was very curious about the trans* community... very curious. At first I thought I couldn't be the opposite sex, no way! Yet... I still had that thought in mind and thought a lot about it and made the conclusion that it probably wouldn't change anything about me, but it would be fascinating. I was afraid to question myself for simplicity's sake, but I couldn't help but wonder. So... I went ahead and did some experimenting... and I don't regret it one bit!

Back on topic... again, there's absolutely nothing wrong with questioning. Whether you finding something new about yourself or not, there's no harm done.

On a side note: it's nice to see you again, Kitty, it's been a while! :D :cake: I hope you are doing well.

Great, I feel so much better now! People used to tell me that I was budding a sexuality, but that never sat well with me because I knew that wasn't it.

Awww, thanks Skyworld! Nice to see you again too! :D

[Mudlark]

I'm still sort of in the questioning phase. I mean, I feel very much like an asexual at the moment, and have never had any sexual feelings before...but at the same time I still keep wondering if I'm really asexual or if it's just because I'm young and haven't met all that many other people my age. I certainly don't think you're a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual, I think maybe these kind of things can take quite a long time before you know for certain.

[Ennis]

It took me some time to "come out to myself". Now I think that was because I had no idea everyone else experiences sexual attraction.

Questioning for me was trying to imagine myself in sexual situations, trying to recall the feelings for my crushes (discovering that I obviously had had some female crushes as well). I also did a lot of research on AVEN and elsewhere. And I discussed the matter with my girlfriend, which was very helpful, too.

[andreas1033]

Of course, i would think most do.

You cannot be sure unless you try, or take part in situations. You have to prove it to yourself, no matter what doubts you have.

So yes for me.

I would think you can never be totally sure, unless you put yourself into situations to find out.

I knew at 13 i think. But after i left school i did not say openly until 23. I had left it open, but never persued any interactions after school, as things happen anyway. Even if your not looking for attractions from others, they will happen when your young anyway. I am glad no one proved me wrong.

But by 23 in 1998, i accepted it, and said openly to others i was like this, ie asexual.

I doubt i could of done more to prove it, and as far as i was concerned i did enough to prove it. Since i was 23 back in 1998, i have been totally numb to people in those ways, and glad. After around my 23 birthday, i said it openly, and it was like a confirmation, and maybe your subconcious mind when hearing you say it openly accepts it.

So as far as i am concerned i proved it absolutely, and i doubt any person could of changed my mind when i was young. So i am glad all that was behind me. Others have a problem with me not being interested in others, not me, but thats there problem not mine.

People can be a problem in this stuff, but i just ignore them.

[Dizzard]

Absolutely. I've only been thinking about this seriously for the last two months or so but I still get times where I'm going around in circles wondering if I'm really asexual.

Lately whenever I'm out in public and I happen to think about asexuality/my sexuality suddenly it's like "do I want to have sex with that person?.......ok what about that person?..........or maybe this person?"

It feels really artificial and deliberate, which makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit crazy. Like I can't go out in public without constantly considering the possibility that somebody may walk past and make me not asexual.

I never thought about this stuff before I started exploring my sexuality, people were just people......I'm really hoping it's just a passing thing.

[TheKindredSoul]

Absolutely. I've only been thinking about this seriously for the last two months or so but I still get times where I'm going around in circles wondering if I'm really asexual.

Lately whenever I'm out in public and I happen to think about asexuality/my sexuality suddenly it's like "do I want to have sex with that person?.......ok what about that person?..........or maybe this person?"

It feels really artificial and deliberate, which makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit crazy. Like I can't go out in public without constantly considering the possibility that somebody may walk past and make me not asexual.

I never thought about this stuff before I started exploring my sexuality, people were just people......I'm really hoping it's just a passing thing.

I get that too. It's awful. It is safe to say that you are asexual if you have to stop and think if you are attracted sexually to someone. Sexual people know when they feel sexual attraction most times. I am sure it is just a phase, and when you feel completely comfortable in your a/sexuality, it should go away.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Pretty much certain everyone's questioned their sexuality at some point :) Like you say though, if you have to ask yourself whether you're experiencing sexual attraction, you probably aren't ;)

[whocaresthough]

I was in about seventh or eighth grade. Since then, I've become a lot more repulsed. Though, now I'm trying to figure out if I fall into the agender category.

[Devil Kisses]

A lot. At first it was normal questioning, but it quickly became an OCD obsession. Mainly because of people invalidating my sexuality. What made my sexuality hard to figure out was my lack of attraction to people. I still don't know if it's grey-sexuality, low libido, mental health issues or repression. Either way I don't feel sexual attraction as often as the average person. I normally just feel aesthetic or sensual attraction, but I have felt full sexual attraction a few times. It just seemed to only happen in dreams or in private. I'm too scared to feel sexually attracted to people in real life.

[an18059]

I was questioning for ages because I was really confused at first cause I didn't really seem to be that attracted to guys or girls, and then when I found out about asexuality I didn't identify as it for quite a while because I didn't want to commit to a label and then find out I had been wrong (turns out that was nothing to worry about though, because you can change what you identify as as many times as you feel necessary).

I've definitely tried the imaging thing. I had (okay, kind of still have but not as bad) a huge crush on this guy in some of my classes, and I had liked him for years. So I tried thinking about him in a sexual situation, because I was trying to work out if I felt sexual attraction or not, and it just felt weird and wrong and disgusting and I didn't want to think about it. Same with some other people; I can be thinking about how cute they are or whatever, but as soon as I try to think about them sexually I might even physically cringe.

[CrystalKat]

As a writer, I can tell you that you're definitely not crazy to be imagining things that you don't actually want to do! And I definitely agree that most everyone questions their sexuality at some point. I'm heterosexual, but every once in a while I'll find a woman very attractive, and the thought goes through my head that maybe I'm gay. So to test that, I'll try to imagine kissing her or having sex with her, at which point I know it's not for me. So, long story short, I think that what you're doing is totally normal.

[Losange]

I've gone through a phase when I was almost sure I was asexual but didn't want to be so I imagined myself having sex with some faceless person to force me to become allo, it didn't felt good but I persevered for some days. Now I totally gave up and accepted my asexuality.

[Unlabeled]

I am just curious if this is normal. When you discovered you may be asexual, did you ever go through a phase where you explored?

I mean, like purposely thought sexual things about the opposite or same sex to see if it produced any responses? Back when I was extremely obsessed over determining wether I was asexual or not (and due to people telling me I was homosexual) I went through a lot of questioning. It was a very difficult time for me. I used to have a lot of sexual thoughts because I wanted to see if I really was asexual, or was just someone who has not developed an orientation yet.

Now that I am (almost) certain that I am asexual, I question myself a lot less. However, I still sometimes imagine myself being "sexual" or stereotypically "romantic" when I get extremely bored (which is weird, because I am repulsed). It does not mean I want those things, but for some reason I find it fun to imagine myself as something as I am not (there is something very amusing about me being my opposite self). My mind isn't even able to imagine it correctly because I have not even experienced those things...so the thought comes out really funny, awkward, and weird. It is like my mind draws a blank and it comes out completely messed up. Most times imagining these things make me laugh because I know I don't act that way. I frequently do this with other stuff too. For example, I imagine myself being a fairy/dragon hybrid or something (don't judge me) even though I am obviously not. Not sure if I am normal.

Maybe I am just a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual for having questioned myself so much? Has anyone ever done something similar?

I'm 44 and still in my questioning phase. :)

"Don't fear answers, just running out of questions."

[Sisky]

I've never really questioned anything. Romance and sex just didn't apply to me, but that was true for a lot of other things as well, so it was more of a general "I'm different" feeling (which I was totally ok with). And other people never questioned it because I was generally weird. :) I was pretty indifferent to human relations as a whole, romance and sex were just part of the "not for me" package.

[Mor]

Yeah. Shortly after I realised I was asexual, I found myself thinking sexual thoughts, when I hadn't done previously. As strange as it may sound, it was like my mind was trying to contradict the realisation I was asexual, whether it was just a part of me trying to deny it or just me questioning it without even being aware of it, and there was times where I consciously tried to think thoughts, and it just didn't work. They were forced and weird and I hated it, and after a short enough time, I stopped.

[That asexual guy]

I'm older and didn't know about asexuality when I was young so my entire life up to a few years ago was noting but a questioning phase.

[PoeticAnthem]

Dude...for the last three months I've been randomly searching up something along the lines of "hot male actors/actresses" to see if "anything" happens. I think it's normal, especially if you're younger. It's actually funny, in a way. I scroll through pages and pages of search results, going, "Is he hot? Am I attracted? Well, would you have sex with him? Uh, heck no." And I go through the list over and over again, all the while thinking, "Well, what the heck am I supposed to feel?"

OCD makes it doubly difficult, because my mind will sometimes go, "So...you're not attracted to him? Are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? Cause I don't think you are sure." It's aggravating, but I expect hope it will go away eventually. Until then, I can only pray that no one looks at my browsing history.

[eeriesilence]

I live in a constant flux of confusion and curiosity - I'm always questioning my sexuality, and all that it entails. That's how I approach everything, to be quite honest. I just leave everything up in the air and take things day by day.

My usual answer to people wanting a definitive answer about my sexuality/gender identity is a drawn out sigh and a facial expression best represented textually as "????".

[MagicOwl]

I can somewhat relate. I've just come out of a questioning phase myself. Like yesimanerd said I like to research something before I commit to it. I think it's okay to question because if we don't question ourselves, then we won't find answers. Questioning is good! Questioning is healthy!

People are complicated things and a/sexuality is also very complicated and very personal to each individual person.

I also think that media and society norms and views on idealized sexuality can really muddy the waters as well. Lots of subliminal messages when it comes to bodies, which are usually also very sexualized in media.

[SwirlyKitten]

Questioning is normal, especially when you get bombarded with parents/friends saying things like 'maybe you haven't met the right person'. When I was little I believed that too.

[Member 92789]

I am just curious if this is normal. When you discovered you may be asexual, did you ever go through a phase where you explored?

I mean, like purposely thought sexual things about the opposite or same sex to see if it produced any responses? Back when I was extremely obsessed over determining wether I was asexual or not (and due to people telling me I was homosexual) I went through a lot of questioning. It was a very difficult time for me. I used to have a lot of sexual thoughts because I wanted to see if I really was asexual, or was just someone who has not developed an orientation yet.

Now that I am (almost) certain that I am asexual, I question myself a lot less. However, I still sometimes imagine myself being "sexual" or stereotypically "romantic" when I get extremely bored (which is weird, because I am repulsed). It does not mean I want those things, but for some reason I find it fun to imagine myself as something as I am not (there is something very amusing about me being my opposite self). My mind isn't even able to imagine it correctly because I have not even experienced those things...so the thought comes out really funny, awkward, and weird. It is like my mind draws a blank and it comes out completely messed up. Most times imagining these things make me laugh because I know I don't act that way. I frequently do this with other stuff too. For example, I imagine myself being a fairy/dragon hybrid or something (don't judge me) even though I am obviously not. Not sure if I am normal.

Maybe I am just a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual for having questioned myself so much? Has anyone ever done something similar?

Lol, I can relate to this as well! Im in that questioning phase now. Lol, my thoughts come out weird as well because I can't see myself acting that way. I admit my fantasies are pleasing, but when I go back to reality I think..I don't think I wanna have sex. I get repulsed.

Dude...for the last three months I've been randomly searching up something along the lines of "hot male actors/actresses" to see if "anything" happens. I think it's normal, especially if you're younger. It's actually funny, in a way. I scroll through pages and pages of search results, going, "Is he hot? Am I attracted? Well, would you have sex with him? Uh, heck no." And I go through the list over and over again, all the while thinking, "Well, what the heck am I supposed to feel?"

OCD makes it doubly difficult, because my mind will sometimes go, "So...you're not attracted to him? Are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? Cause I don't think you are sure." It's aggravating, but I expect hope it will go away eventually. Until then, I can only pray that no one looks at my browsing history.

Lol, I can relate to this! I look everything up as well! I do find some people attractive..my thoughts consist of do I feel sexually attracted to them (Do I feel like having sex with them?) I then think no. It doesn't come natural to me. Im curious about it though..but the thought of it repulses me. It's an odd thing.

Yeah. Shortly after I realised I was asexual, I found myself thinking sexual thoughts, when I hadn't done previously. As strange as it may sound, it was like my mind was trying to contradict the realisation I was asexual, whether it was just a part of me trying to deny it or just me questioning it without even being aware of it, and there was times where I consciously tried to think thoughts, and it just didn't work. They were forced and weird and I hated it, and after a short enough time, I stopped.

I'm still trying to find out if im asexual. I kinda think I am! I didthe same thing you did with the fantasies. It got weird and wasn't natural for me. I usually think of people romatically. Like hugging and kissing them. Nothing more..

I've gone through a phase when I was almost sure I was asexual but didn't want to be so I imagined myself having sex with some faceless person to force me to become allo, it didn't felt good but I persevered for some days. Now I totally gave up and accepted my asexuality.

Lol, I do the same. Im fighting it, but I believe im asexual. I like romantic relationships only. Thiking of sex doesn't come natural to me.

[VindicatorPhoenix]

Yep, I've been through a questioning phase. I once thought that if I liked the look of someone, it meant sexual attraction. However, at that time I never knew about aesthetic attraction, which was exactly what I was (and am currently) experiencing.

I think it's okay to question because if we don't question ourselves, then we won't find answers. Questioning is good! Questioning is healthy!

Yep, questioning is healthy! ^_^

Maybe I am just a poor excuse for an aromantic asexual for having questioned myself so much?

Nope, I'm aro-ace and I've done it too. I've often wondered what it would be like to experience sexual attraction. There's no such thing as a poor excuse for an aro-ace and there's no "right" way to be. ^_^

[Waist of Thyme]

I pretty much always knew who I was. I just didn't know all the words.

[EmotionalAndroid]

I think I am going through that right now. I have never felt any sexual attraction before in my life and I am far old enough to have experienced it, should it have arisen. I've been a super repulsed ace forever. I found out about asexuality about this time last year and I was so happy to finally find a place I belonged. Recently, however, I have been really worrying.

First I must explain that I have generalized anxiety disorder (I am pretty sure). I worry about everything, and worry so much that I make what I am afraid of happen. For example, I had panic attacks for 6 years because I was afraid of having panic attacks...I have a very hard time not worrying about something if it comes to my mind, and recently the worry of "What if I am not really asexual?" came to mind. And now I am obsessing over it constantly, worrying about every thing so that I am actually making myself doubt and feel things I've never felt before. It's one of those "Don't think about pink elephants" things where once you are told that, pink elephants are all you can think of.

Anyway, recently I've made major strides toward taming my other anxieties (like social anxiety) and I am far less uptight about things. I feel I am a new person because of my reduced anxiety (about everything but this) and now I am worried that this "new me" is not asexual. Like maybe people were right and I just "wasn't mature enough."

Oh man, I am driving myself crazy because I want to stay being asexual. I finally was happy with myself and I don't want to change. I am happy that my anxiety (in general, but not about this) is a lot better, but I'd much rather be a nervous wreck like before and stay asexual than be a calm and happy allosexual. Note: I have nothing against allosexuals whatsoever. I just want to stay how I was. Maybe that is my true repulsed self trying to break through my anxiety and tell me to knock it off. Argh, it's just so frustrating

Any one have any ideas/advice? Am I just letting my anxiety get in the way? :\

[crazypimpernelfan]

I definitely went through a questioning phase. Am still going through one as we speak. Though I'm fairly certain I must be biromantic gray-homosexual, I still have many signs that I might be slowly becoming homoromantic gray-bisexual.

I don't think the questioning phase will ever go away for me. I'm always in this mindset that my sexuality must be evolving in strange ways. And I think it is, if my sexuality is turning itself weirdly.

Trigger Warning in this paragraph (sex mentioned more specifically): But at the same time I wonder... will I ever actually be sexually attracted to guys, even slightly? I don't think the occasional thought of having sex with a guy makes me sexually attracted to them, but it still makes me kinda curious because the thought of having sex with them feels like it'd be more complete than having sex with a woman. But then there's no desire for it with a guy. The thought of having sex with a woman sounds more satisfying, though not the complete feeling I get when thinking about having sex with a guy. I don't know, maybe that's just me? Or maybe a few of you feel the same way?

Maybe it's just my strange mindset talking. I think that questioning phase will never leave me. Heh. But I usually try to push it aside so I can do stuff, not think about my sexuality all day long. xP

[Gumby Jellybeans III]

Yep. I definitely questioned myself a lot. Until recently, I didn't even know asexual was an orientation, and I wasn't at all interested in the same sex, so I just assumed I was straight and hadn't got into the whole "relationships" thing yet. Not only did I try to imagine myself in sexual situations to desensitise myself (it never worked. It still feels icky), but I also tried to feel romantically interested in people. I even asked two of them out... when they both turned me down I was relieved. Turns out I'm aromantic too.

For me, it was the aromanticism which was hardest to accept. It's like you suddenly realise that there's this whole aspect of life you're just not going to have. I was never really sad about it per se, but I certainly hadn't "socially budgeted" for it. I'd always assumed that I would end up in a romantic relationship with somebody and when I realised that it just wasn't going to happen, I had to reevaluate what I expected from life.