Is it really a big deal to come out as asexual?

[sighmike]

Besides telling your partner(bc that's really important), does it really matter if you come out to family. If anything, they should be happy; their kid won't take a risk of ruining their life lol

[Scottthespy]

I chose to be 'out' as a low key form of spreading the word...a small scale visibility effort. In my experience, it hasnt been that big a deal to any one I've talked to about it...maybe I happen to live in a very open minded and accepting area. But i also agree that, other than a potential partner, no one NEEDS to know. People don't generaly go around telling other people about the things they DON'T want, unless it comes up in conversation as a 'lets go do this' kind of thing.

[Rallion]

To me personally no it's not at all important. But then I'm not too close to my family...

To some people it is very important. Some people feel they are living a lie if others aren't aware of this part of them. Others have family members who might not accept what they see as an abnormality and obviously want to be accepted for who they are.

*shrug* people are different from other people.

[Guest]

Some asexuals who want romantic relationships especially feel it's important to be open about their asexuality. It would be awful having well-meaning people setting you up for dates etc without knowing about your sexuality. If you don't think it would matter either way though if you tell your brothers and sisters or whatever, then it's not a big deal. Just comes down to each individual. I personally don't even think it's important to tell your parents if you don't want to, what business is it of theirs? but that's just my opinion in regards to my own parents. I have mentioned it to them both in passing, but neither give a toss either way. Mum doesn't think asexuality is real, and dad thinks we are some breed of advanced human designed by evolution to solve the population issues this planet has (despite the fact that I have two children lol, go figure) but they are more interested in their own (incorrect) opinions of about asexuality than of how asexuality may or may not effect me.

And it is of course important to be totally open about you asexuality to any potential romantic partner, or someone who may just be interested in a sexual friendship or whatever,

[Oneness]

For me it is not and I don't think I have anything to come out as/from. To a partner maybe it is necessary but otherwise no. If anything....when I talk about sex, dating so on with friends I might mention asexuality...that this word and meaning behind it describes quite well how I see, feel or am towards this matter. But other than that I have no interest on labels :)

[Guest]

If anything, they should be happy; their kid won't take a risk of ruining their life lol

Also, there is just as much chance of 'ruining your life' as an ace as there is of doing such a thing with any other sexual orientation. Asexuality doesn't automatically make someone immune from making huge mistakes, including having children without wanting/intending to (assuming that's what you meant by 'ruining your life') Also there are many asexual people who actually choose to have children. We really are no different than sexual people when it comes to wanting kids, some want them, some don't, some have them, some can't have them.. one's sexual orientation really has no bearing on whether or not one wants children.

[Absol]

Whether or not someone comes out to family as asexual is a personal choice, but the parents at least probably won't be happy to hear it. Possibly indifferent, possibly understanding, possibly well-meaning but clueless, and possibly intolerant, but doubtfully happy. After all, being asexual does tend to make things a little more difficult, and no parent is really happy to hear that things are going to be difficult for their child.

[Archived]

Honestly, I think it's different for everyone. I haven't come out to my family for a number of reasons. I doubt they know what asexuality is and I'm still working out the kinks of explaining it to them. Every time I have a conversation about sexualities, it's either about how they're (my parents and my siblings-ish) against same sex marriage OR some confirmation if I'm straight or not. I never really give them a straight answer (haha). I once tried to subtly explain to my mother that I was asexual by saying "Or I could be neither. Hey, I could be asexual. Maybe I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone" then realized I wasn't ready to tell her and just said, "Well, I don't like anyone." I've told my parents that I didn't want to marry but they seem to not believe me. Just the way they act and the fact that they still bring it up even though I already told them I didn't want to.

My sexuality isn't something I'm super proud of. I'm proud of being me and being asexual is a part of that, so in a way, I'm proud of it. I'm concerned with the visibility and understanding of it all and am going to join the Gay-Straight Alliance at the high school I'm going to in a couple months in a way to help with that. A perk to that is that I don't have to tell my family that I'm asexual. They probably just assume I'm straight, but whenever they ask me I never say I am and then ask me if I'm lesbian and I'm like, "Nah."

It's kind of a big deal to me, but just to me, everyone has their own opinion. Although I don't have the same worries as some other aces might have such as "Will people doubt me because of my behavior?" "Am I taking away my parents' chances to have grandchildren?", I still have my worries and want to spread the word about asexuality (and all sexualities, actually) and I'd like people to know what it is, that it's a real thing, and most of all, accept it, not just tolerate it or pretend to be ok with it, but accept it, because that is really something that society has trouble with. Acceptance.

I have a brother and a sister so they can give my parents grandchildren. I think the thing that I'm most concerned with about telling my family is that they won't understand. They don't seem to understand when I just tell them that I don't experience romantic/sexual attraction, so what'll happen when I tell them the actual words for it?

My friends are really understanding, but it honestly could just be because I am who I am. I've never had a crush on anyone, ever dated anyone. They were fully aware of that before I came out. I've tried imagining it but it doesn't make sense, doesn't appeal to me. It's not that I doubt my friends' understanding, but I wonder what would happen if some of my other friends, who aren't aromantic or who might have pretended, came out as asexual. To my friends, because I was honest and also open about everything, it made sense that I'd be asexual. Hell, one of my friends actually said to one of my other friends who look at me a bit quizzically when I told them, "Think about it. Can you imagine Karmynn in a relationship?" That didn't offend me one bit, because I have no interest in being in a relationship and I never have and if it just so happens in the future that my orientation changes and I do want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship, then I'd probably be a different person then than I am now.

So yeah, I'm sorry that this was kind of long, but I have a lot of thoughts on the whole "coming out" thing. We are born with the assumption that we're heterosexual. We assume we're heterosexual and so does everyone else. Different has never set well with society and being asexual is different, out of the norm, real, and also unheard of.

[whocaresthough]

I want my parents to know so they don't think I'm out having sex with my guy (or girl) friends. :/ Still haven't gotten around to it..

[ShyFeather]

For my family where they believe everyone is heterosexual and those who say otherwise are mentally disordered, yeah, I am not going to take coming out to them lightly if I decide to. I suppose I don't need to tell them since they're not going to be future partners or anything, but I'll also have to live with the barrier that's formed between us. It's sad that when they say to me that they'll love me no matter what I don't believe that's true, but I can live with that better than being outright rejected by them. Sometimes I feel like I'm still a child at heart that that should even matter to me >.>

[Anthracite_Impreza]

For me it was, it was a chance to finally get people off my back on the whole "when are you going to get a boyfriend/are you secretly gay/do you want me to help you get laid" thing. It's also a way to educate and spread ace awareness of you're confident enough for that. It really is a personal thing though.

[Tanwen]

If it seems right, I might drop it into a general conversation but as for a grand announcement - no. It's no-one's business; might be a part of who I am but not all that I am :)

[Anime Pancake]

I pretty much agree with you.

I don't see a reason to tell people I'm asexual, except for specific people that I'm close to.

I don't really see much of a point, except for just letting people know more about you.

[Autumn Sunrise]

The only people who know I'm asexual are the daughter and son with whom I live (my daughter is also asexual, so that's how that came about), and a few other aces, mainly from our local meet-up group. My sisters, brother and their families don't know, and I probably won't be telling them unless some special circumstance arises . . . not necessary/too awkward anyway. I'm all for raising ace awareness in the community, but with people who are close to you there are too many other factors involved.

[Destan]

It's not really a big deal I think.

My friends and older sibling only know I'm asexual.

Not everyone has to know it maybe only people who are very close to you.

[OtterLock24601]

I think it depends on the person. For some it doesn't matter as much but for others it will. I have tried to come out to my parents twice now and both time was told only that Asexuality isn't real. However, my friends know and have been really supportive and that has really helped.

[The_Verse]

It's entirely up to you. Some people get great, supportive responses from family and some get confused parents who try to deny their asexuality.

There are some great posts here that have said everything I wanted to. Except, welcome to AVEN! I hope you find the site useful.

[andreas1033]

I think it is.

People are a pain, i have found, and they think everyone is sex obsessed. Most people will not understand it.

I am just glad we live in an era, where feminism exist, and males do not have to perform roles they did not want, as today the world is so over populated, it does not matter anymore.

Just be glad you live at a time when you cna be yourself. After you have left school, fitting in, becomes less of a concern, and you can live your life.

But really honestly, telling people that are sex obsessed as most are, that you are asexual, leads to alot of problems. I have never had any real problem in myself that i did not like others(i was always comfortable with it), but its others that seem to want and think you should becomes a problem.

But i am glad peopel have a place to come and talk about this, just found this place today, and was pleased that so many have similar experiences, and feelings, or lack there of towards others.

Just be glad you have a place liek this to talk to others, whom understand alot more than most what you are and were going through.

[andreas1033]

I think it depends on the person. For some it doesn't matter as much but for others it will. I have tried to come out to my parents twice now and both time was told only that Asexuality isn't real. However, my friends know and have been really supportive and that has really helped.

Exactly, most people are so conditioned that everyone is sex obsessed, that they cannot fathom asexuals exist.

Just be glad you have friends whom understand. I never told my firends when i was young, they just accepted i had no interest in others, or talked about them. It was an open secret really, and with them i felt comfortable, as they knew i never talked about girls, or things, or showed any interest in others.

Its family i agree with, that have problems, as they think everyone is either this or that, but cannot fathom that you have no interest in others.

[Amy M]

with friends i don't think it's a big deal to come out as anything - asexual or any other sexual orientation. with family, the only problem i can see arising with telling them you're ace is that they probably won't understand what that is and it'll take a bit of energy to educate them; the only reason i don't feel the need to come out to my parents is because they probably don't think asexuality exists and i wouldn't be able to convince them otherwise anyway.

as for your partner, i'd make sure they knew of that before we got into a relationship.

Exactly, most people are so conditioned that everyone is sex obsessed, that they cannot fathom asexuals exist.

it's a bit frustrating really, how people are still so narrow minded in this day and age. you'd think that they'd at least just think about what you told them instead of rejecting anything that sounds foreign to them.

[Autumn Season]

It's probably a "big deal" for parents: They are likely to want their children to be "normal", have children, live a family life, live the same way they would have liked to live/ they lived. Also, parents tend to know everything better, even your own orientation and that was sarcasm.

[CMV]

Me personally, I believe you should come out to your immediate family,

such as Mom, Dad,and Siblings.

[asinglecookie]

I don't have a partner, and don't want one, so I can't comment on that.

I came out to my family - mum, dad, sister, sister's boyfriend (they've been together like, 10 years, so he's practically my brother), and my close friends. I had been single for 8 years, and there was a lot of questions from extended family about why I couldn't 'meet anyone'. I wanted them to know it was my choice.

My family didn't bat an eyelid. They're super liberal. I think my Dad made his defining statement about sexuality all those years ago- we were waiting a long time for food in a restaurant, and someone implied I might be a lesbian, to which my Dad retorted "I don't care if you're gay, straight or whatever, I just want my dinner!". He's a simple man. :)

My best friend said a lovely thing actually- I asked if she thought it was 'odd' that I didn't want to date anyone, and she replied that she's known me for so long that she never thinks of me in terms of who I'm dating/orientation. Best of luck to anyone planning to come out. x

[EverHopeful]

For me, I don't think that it would be THAT big a deal if I came out as asexual. I'm almost thirty, I've got kids, I've done what women are 'supposed' to do...I'm lucky enough that I think it would be more or less socially acceptable to say that I don't want or need sex anymore. I think it would be a lot harder for, say, a young man to come put as ace, or a young woman to come out as ace and not wanting children. I think that someone in that situation would face a lot more bigotry than someone like me, and I feel for anyone who faces problems because of their asexuality.

I can't wait until the day when we stop assuming that everyone is heterosexual by default...I hate the idea of having to come out and inform people (strangers, even!) of my sexual/romantic orientation to correct their false assumptions.

[Xavy]

I thinks it's important that you tell your partner, beyond that, I think the significance is much less.

[m02a16ds]

It wouldn't hurt to remember that not everyone's family is supportive of asexuality, ok? :( My mom wouldn't mind me being gay. She's kinda an ally. Open-minded. She rainbowed her Facebook profile pic to celebrate the pride, and we're not even American. But it hurts even to remember all the terrible things she told me in my teens for not having sex with/dating anyone at all.

So, before saying "if anything, they should be happy", simply ask yourself "what if they're not?"

Personally, I don't think anyone is obliged to come out, especially if coming out can jeopardize their... their anything.

[sestina]

Caitlyn Jenner is getting an ESPY award, so yeah coming out is still a big deal. Unfortunately we don't have the support infrastructure that other GSMs have, so you are pretty much on your own if you do decide to come out. To piggyback on what Sonechko said, a lot of "allies" don't seem so friendly anymore when confronted with asexuality. :(

So I would weigh the pros and cons before making the decision, and this applies to any GSRM. Sometimes the benefits of staying in the closet are worth it, especially if society is just not ready to accept us.

[Winnie_A]

Other than letting any romantic partners know, I think the main benefit of coming out is just to spread awareness. Since we are such a small minority, it's helpful to get the word out as much as possible so that there will be less general ignorance about asexuality and so that other asexuals who haven't heard of it could find out something about themselves. However, I would never say that everyone *should* come out. That is a personal choice. There are many extenuating factors that could make it difficult or painful to come out, where it wouldn't be worth it to you. I'm not out to my family, and I doubt I ever will be.

[LadyPariah]

I'm going to go as far as saying that in Utah, and other very religious places, it can be downright dangerous to come out. I've been threatened with the "I can fix that," attitude more than once for standing up for my fellow aces. There's even some who have been threatened with corrective rape or groped because they came out in places like Utah. I now have a reputation among my peers in real life and social media as being "broken," for defending other people who came out. So I don't expect to find any romance in my life any time soon.

[OrcArrow]

I don't tell people just for the sake of telling people. The first person I "came out" to was one of my best friends and it was really more me correcting her when she said it's not like I'm asexual. I don't think telling people is important because it's generally non of their business.