Trying to Understand...

[VZwolf]

Well, at the moment I'm just having some thoughts. These are more or less musings, just the thoughts of an Acer trying to figure out where he stands with regards to sex and relationships, and just ... well, I suppose looking for some thoughts on whether they're shared experiences or fears or not. Maybe just a moment of doubt or uncertainty on my part... Please tell me what you think.

From what I've read so far, I understand that Asexual people can and do enter relationships with other people. I currently identify as Aro-Ace, so an Aromantic Asexual. I have had some inclinations towards panromantic leanings (specifically towards men, very rarely towards others) and I can be and often am very affectionate to a very select few, as long as I'm the one initiating the affection or I'm relaxed enough to reciprocate. In fact I want to find a platonic life partner who doubles as a cuddle buddy, just so I can have that closeness. I would like to live with someone as roommates, but have my own space, and not have them as anything other than platonic.

If I'm "honest" about my experiences, I've been in a handful of relationships in the past: two of them online, both of which ended more or less because we drifted apart, and neither of which I felt any real attachment to; and the third (recently) to a transwoman who was very much sexual.

It went on for ... more or less two months, before I ended it. I knew, at least in my case, with her being sexual and me being extremely repulsed just by the simple act of briefly cuddling her, I'd never be able to reciprocate any kind of physical or emotional attention she required. But when I think about these three experiences, and when I ask myself -- or someone asks me -- whether I've been in a relationship, the answer is always the same:

No, I haven't.

The dictionary definition of boyfriend is a "male companion or friend with whom one has a sexual or romantic relationship". Just to note, the female variant (girlfriend) is the same thing with minor word variations, so I also looked up "significant other" (did not apply) and "partner" (which I didn't feel applied either). I was recognised by her friends, who I met, as her boyfriend, and also by my friend, who knew, and one of my family members. But for some reason I just don't see myself as having been in any relationships, whatsoever.

Now that I reflect on whether or not I would enter a romantic relationship, for some reason I just cannot picture it. I can only visualise myself standing alone with people just beyond arms length as a minimum distance, which is how I am with friends. I feel like I'm simply not meant to be involved in those things, like I shouldn't even try to associate myself with it. That's a-okay. That's what led me to accept aromanticism as my "primary" romantic drive.

But why is it I do not accept my previous encounters as relationships? Have other Aces felt this way...?

Just gonna post this before I cop out. Thanks for reading!

[Archon]

I can empathize with not accepting previous associations as relationships. If you ask others, they'll tell you i had a romantic relationship once, and I thought it was a romantic relationship at the time. I just can't accept that now though, because I know now that I had no idea what romance really was then. I thought I had romantic feelings but actually I just had strong platonic feelings. So it doesn't feel right for me to say I was ever romantically involved. I don't feel like I ever really was.

I don't know if that matches how you feel exactly but I can definitely relate to what you say. I don't see myself as having been in a romantic relationship or ever being in one.

[VZwolf]

I can empathize with not accepting previous associations as relationships. If you ask others, they'll tell you i had a romantic relationship once, and I thought it was a romantic relationship at the time. I just can't accept that now though, because I know now that I had no idea what romance really was then. I thought I had romantic feelings but actually I just had strong platonic feelings. So it doesn't feel right for me to say I was ever romantically involved. I don't feel like I ever really was.

I don't know if that matches how you feel exactly but I can definitely relate to what you say. I don't see myself as having been in a romantic relationship or ever being in one.

With her, I didn't even really have platonic feelings. I wanted to explore that avenue and try to make it work but even though we spent two months together I don't believe I ever managed to get past acquaintance. More or less the person you know at work or at college who you talk to very little and know next to nothing about, even though I knew fairly personal things about her and spoke a lot about various things. I don't know how to explain it other than that...

How does your knowledge of romance now differ from what it was before, if you don't mind me asking? What was your understanding of it at the time?

[Archon]

How does your knowledge of romance now differ from what it was before, if you don't mind me asking? What was your understanding of it at the time?

Hmm, that's a good question. I think the best way to put it is that, at the time, I thought romance was built entirely on choices. I believed that the way romance worked was that you found a friend you liked and then chose to be romantically involved with them because they were a suitable romantic partner, and I had been led to believe that everyone is supposed to want a romantic partner. I thought of romantic feelings as simply being a feeling of 'I have to spend my life with someone and you're tolerable so let's date'.

The understanding I have of romance now is that you don't choose who you are romantically attracted to. Romantic attraction is a feeling that just happens, when you strongly want to be in a romantic relationship with a specific person. I think that romantic feelings are more committed and intimate than platonic feelings. I understand now that there are many people who enjoy having a romantic partner and actually feel an emptiness in their lives if they don't have one. I also know that I've never actually experienced romantic attraction and probably never will, and I'm very happy the way I am.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Hmm, now you've got me wondering if I should retroactively not have a past girlfriend. We had only dated for a couple of months and I cared a great deal about her, but I don't think I'd go so far as to say we were romantic. I feel a lot closer to my friends than I ever felt to her.