So I finally got round to watching the (A) Sexual documentary

[Gonzo79]

I was meaning to watch it for a while, I had it in my 'to watch' list but I kept putting it off- what if I watched it and it proved I wasn't a real asexual and all this happy contentment I've felt since finding out is just a dream??? By the time I plucked up enough courage to watch it they took it off Netflix.

However, it's now back in the Netflix library and this evening I finally watched it and I'm so glad I did!

Firstly I am horrified at the way the interviewers treated David Jay when he was on their shows, anyone said stuff like that to a gay person they'd be sued, publicly shamed and possibly get a slapping from George Takei too!

Putting aside the ignorance and just plain bizarre statements from the non-asexuals featured I found the programme really enjoyable and enlightening. There was a lady who flew a plane that I really identified with because she'd had a lot of sexual experience and still knew she was ACE.

I sometimes feel a little odd here because for years I lived as a sexual person (I can honestly say I've tried it and I do know I don't want it) and recently I've come to rationalise it in the same way lots of gay people were 'straight' (but not really) before they accepted they were gay and had hetro relationships just to try and fit in.

That's what I did for a long time and omg it's a dark and painful existence, so the people on the documentary who said ACEs can't identify with LGBTs might not understand that we can if they've never had to live a lie. So this documentary really helped me feel more accepted as a result of seeing this lady and her familiar circumstances.

Any-hoo I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed the show and that seeing it up on the screen makes it feel even more real and validated. I hear there's an asexual character in a mainstream sitcom these days and even Disney have made tentative steps at ditching the old notion that romance has to be involved (see Brave and Maleficent) for a story to be great and for love to be genuine or for characters to have depth...

Baby steps but maybe in a few more years people will just accept us for who we are, keep up the publicity AVEN and if there's a chance to make another documentary like the first one then I really hope it gets made, I won't be afraid to watch it if you do :)

[Hooded_Crow]

No romance has nothing to do with asexuality. Far as I'm concerned, Disney has been asexual from day one and has recently been exploring *aromanticism* ;)

But anyway. Yes :D the documentary is very interesting and I think David Jay defends himself and explains his point of view very clearly. He is a very good front for the movement.

I showed the documentary to my mum and my brother and they were both very interested. It's a good tool for showing people asexuality and how big of a movement it really is.

[Techie]

I watched quite some time ago and I did feel they were being hard on Jay at times but that is the way a$$es reporters act sometimes. What I did find off putting was the sex specialist who claimed that people who did not desire sex, which is supposed to be a wonderful part of life, need to seek help. I looked at is as trying to drum up more business.

what if I watched it and it proved I wasn't a real asexual and all this happy contentment I've felt since finding out is just a dream???

You are not the first person to voice this concern. I can honestly say that for me it would not be a problem if I found out I no longer fit in or had somehow changed. a) there is no rule that says you have to leave this site and b) I still have 50+ years of experience that I can share. Granted I would probably be more upset with having lived 53 years and only changing now but I would not be upset with myself changing. Sexuality is fluid as noted in other threads and it is always possible for things to change. For that matter, we even appear to have members here that were somewhat sexual early on but moved into the realm of asexuality.

[Phiffenella]

Don't know if it's the same documentary but I saw one on PBS s couple of months ago and immediately knew that I didn't have a hormonal imbalance or a psychological disorder or any other disorder. I can't tell you how happy I was. I just joined Aven a few days ago and am happily exploring the site. I have told my two closest relatives and they were totally accepting. I will soon be 75 so I am late coming to this bit of self knowledge. I'm still unsure about what sub categories apply, not that it matters for anything other than curiosity. But I am totally grateful I watched that program so I no longer feel broken!

[Phiffenella]

What I did find off putting was the sex specialist who claimed that people who did not desire sex, which is supposed to be a wonderful part of life, need to seek help.

This aspect is one that confuses me. I do not desire sex but don't mind it, either. I was happily married for 8 years and never once said no, nor even felt put upon when my husband wanted sex. We went for counseling...which changed my lack of interest in sex not one iota. My husband's only complaint about our sex life was that I never initiated it. I pointed out that I never misled him and that he knew I was a virgin until I was 31 so I obviously did not have a strong sex drive. His response? "I thought you'd change." I like cuddling and don't mind sex. To me, sex and a good massage are similar...with the massage being a bit higher on my list of preferences. I have been divorced for 34 years and haven missed sex at all.

So, what sub category would this put me in? Just curious.

[GwendolynAngel83]

That sounds like an interesting video which I now want to find and watch.

As for the people who attempt to try and tell others that if they don't want sex they need to find help I want to quickly put in a firm no here from a psychologists perspective. Yes there Are disorders that are either about lack of sex drive or include that as a symptom being asexual isn't the same thing. This short article that I saw someone post helps with that some ( http://nextstepcake.tumblr.com/post/60345690315/asexuality-in-the-dsm-5-excerpts )

[Sally]

What I did find off putting was the sex specialist who claimed that people who did not desire sex, which is supposed to be a wonderful part of life, need to seek help. I looked at is as trying to drum up more business.

Exactly!!

[whocaresthough]

I saw it yesterday cx I also found it incredibly awful the way they talked to David, and how he had to be the one to represent all of us on his own.

[Gonzo79]

Oh Techie that therapist bloke really annoyed me! I would like to point out to him that he's a sex therapist not a non-sex therapist/specialist so what the heck could he possibly know about it?

Also- I know many people who have lots of sex and are miserable as sin, so if a 'normal' sex drive and desire for it is what it takes to be healthy then call me a sicko because I am as happy as a clam! :)

Phiffenella (great name by the way) I wouldn't worry about labels at all, unless you want one that is, but your post is just how I felt when I first found AVEN and was poking about in all the different threads, the number of times I said OMG that's mee!! was unbelievable so I am really happy you found it :)

ThetNerdOverThere (also a most excellent name) Wouldn't it be great if they did another series of interviews (the same interviewers) with David Jay and AVEN members populated the audience so when they started in on him everyone could just stand up and hand them a piece of cake :D

[Phiffenella]

Phiffenella (great name by the way) I wouldn't worry about labels at all, unless you want one that is, but your post is just how I felt when I first found AVEN and was poking about in all the different threads, the number of times I said OMG that's mee!! was unbelievable so I am really happy you found it :)

ThetNerdOverThere (also a most excellent name) Wouldn't it be great if they did another series of interviews (the same interviewers) with David Jay and AVEN members populated the audience so when they started in on him everyone could just stand up and hand them a piece of cake :D

Thanks for noticing the name...it has happy associations for me. Phiffenella was the name of the Fairy who lived in Lake Phiffenella at the summer camp I worked at in college. She was a happy and thoughtful Fairy who did special favors for unhappy or left out campers. Like writing letters to girls who didn't get mail. She was prone to revealing "secret" information...like the counselors REAL names! It seemed appropriate to take her name to explore my "secret self" that even I didn't know about!

And I LOVE the visual image of people popping up in the audience and crying, "Cake! Cake! Here, have some lovely cake!"

[Phantasmal Fingers]

Tbh I thought the last 20' were a total disaster. When David Jay said he wanted an intimate relationship and was prepared to contemplate having sex to have one he came across as a sexual in denial.

Instead, he could at this point have explained something about demis and grays and the fact that for some people sexuality is fluid.

Also, I don't recall a single mention of aromanticism.

All in all a complete cock up which does little if anything for asexual visibility and ends up actually being counter-productive.

[Naosuu]

Tbh I thought the last 20' were a total disaster. When David Jay said he wanted an intimate relationship and was prepared to contemplate having sex to have one he came across as a sexual in denial.

Really? I didn't think it was a disaster but I definitively thought that scene was particularly striking. He didn't seem like he was in denial; he seemed, to me, that he was resigned. Like he has given up on having a meaningful, romantic relationship without sex.

[Guest]

Tbh I thought the last 20' were a total disaster. When David Jay said he wanted an intimate relationship and was prepared to contemplate having sex to have one he came across as a sexual in denial.

Really? I didn't think it was a disaster but I definitively thought that scene was particularly striking. He didn't seem like he was in denial; he seemed, to me, that he was resigned. Like he has given up on having a meaningful, romantic relationship without sex.

Yeah, I found that scene really sad, honestly. "I tried and tried and all my relationships ended because they found normal, sexual, romantic partners. I feel like I need to just give up being ME and compromise and have sex to have any sort of meaningful relationship that lasts." So, so many aces probably have felt that way at one point or another.

Luckily, I didn't watch it until a while after release. So, I had already read about David Jay's non-sexual partner beforehand. So, it wasn't quite as sad as it would have been before.

[Sally]

Tbh I thought the last 20' were a total disaster. When David Jay said he wanted an intimate relationship and was prepared to contemplate having sex to have one he came across as a sexual in denial.

Instead, he could at this point have explained something about demis and grays and the fact that for some people sexuality is fluid.

Also, I don't recall a single mention of aromanticism.

All in all a complete cock up which does little if anything for asexual visibility and ends up actually being counter-productive.

He wasn't talking about 10 different things -- he was talking about his experience as an asexual. He wasn't giving an academic lecture.

[Leelian]

The rude reporters always annoy me. Just shut your trap so you can actually listen to us speak. I love it when people go "enough is enough, I'm done" and just walk off.

I feel like with any amount of sexual experience I'd still be asexual.

I think we've made since progress since it was filmed (came out in 2011). Many I talk to have at least heard the term asexual outside of biology class, including a few therapists and fellow classmates. Have not tested that out on a doctor...yet. It's on my checklist for my new doctor.

[Gonzo79]

Tbh I thought the last 20' were a total disaster. When David Jay said he wanted an intimate relationship and was prepared to contemplate having sex to have one he came across as a sexual in denial.

Instead, he could at this point have explained something about demis and grays and the fact that for some people sexuality is fluid.

Also, I don't recall a single mention of aromanticism.

All in all a complete cock up which does little if anything for asexual visibility and ends up actually being counter-productive.

I didn't think that at all, like the others here I thought it was sad that he felt he couldn't be himself in order to be happy- but the way I thought was that it's a documentary not a movie so yeah the guy is a real person and is going to have times when he feels low and miserable, if it was all unicorns pooping rainbows it wouldn't of been at all believable.

Still, everyone has their own views - maybe you could go do a documentary about your life and include the stuff you wanted to see, as a fellow aro ace I'd be interested and watch it :)

[lionhart]

Tbh I thought the last 20' were a total disaster. When David Jay said he wanted an intimate relationship and was prepared to contemplate having sex to have one he came across as a sexual in denial.

Instead, he could at this point have explained something about demis and grays and the fact that for some people sexuality is fluid.

Also, I don't recall a single mention of aromanticism.

All in all a complete cock up which does little if anything for asexual visibility and ends up actually being counter-productive.

I totally agree with everything you mentioned. I saw the film as having a negative outlook. David Jay didn't seem to embrace asexuality but rather imply that it was a burden and that he'd rather be a sexual person. You're totally right, no mention of gray or demi, no mention of romantic orientations such as aromantic. It generalized the asexual spectrum into one small definition and also failed to mention that asexual people can have sex and like sex (even though they may not have sexual attraction there are other reasons for having sex). There was so much ace phobia too from a variety of people in the film. Overall it made me feel worse as a gray ace.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

But Sally, David Jay does have role in terms of being a public figure who is asexual and who founded an organisation which is at least in part devoted to increasing asexual visibility. So in that sense he's not just any old asexual like me, he has a certain responsibility to represent the asexual spectrum given the public position he has. If he just wants to talk about his personal experience that's fine, but if he's interviewed in a documentary aimed at raising asexual awareness amongst a non-asexual population (many of whom probably don't even recognise our existence) then - in this context - there are probably at least "ten different things" to say about several different types of asexuals (such as aromantics like me, for example). I think the way this documentary dealt with this was inadequate. It will just add to the confusion in the minds of the kind of sexuals who either cannot or will not recognise us

[MacAran]

Thanks for noticing the name...it has happy associations for me. Phiffenella was the name of the Fairy who lived in Lake Phiffenella at the summer camp I worked at in college. She was a happy and thoughtful Fairy who did special favors for unhappy or left out campers. Like writing letters to girls who didn't get mail. She was prone to revealing "secret" information...like the counselors REAL names! It seemed appropriate to take her name to explore my "secret self" that even I didn't know about!

A little off topic,but I love this story abut how you picked your name!