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How would YOU react?


Farlie64

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How would YOU react if your long term partner said that they loved you, didn't want to leave, wanted to raise children with you etc, but they needed to have sex with others outside of the marriage because the lack of sexual intimacy between the two of you negatively affect them constantly?

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Lord Jade Cross

Ive considered this as a hypothetical question but if i was in a relationship in which a partner told me that they wanted to have sex outside the relationship, so long as they took the proper precautions (as I wouldnt want to catch some STI or STD from a total stranger with whom my partner had sex with) my answer would be "go for it".

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The Great WTF

I'd ask him how much he'd had to drink because we're already in an open relationship.

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chicken_legs

Honestly, that would be really upsetting for me. I may be wrong, but this looks more like an ultimatum ("let's do it or else") than an attempt to fix a real issue. Would meaningless sex make them happier?

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Lord Jade Cross

Technically all sex is meaningless. We are the ones that give it the emotional aspect. I cant fully conprehend the desire for sex either though.

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Nadia Hope

Me and my datefriend had a long conversation about an open relationship not so long ago. We've decided to try it out, since I can't give them what they want sex wise and I can't make them be celibate. So, if there will be a need for them to have a sexual partner, I will be OK with this as a long as their happy and being safe.

The most important part is to be honest about your feelings, talk everything through what does an open relationship mean to both of you and what you all get out of it. Tell them if this will make you uncomfortable, find a compromise. Communication and honesty is important!

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My partner would already be aware of my stipulations for extra-relational sexual relations. Mostly to do with keeping all parties healthy and infection free. STI/STD tests, proper protection and birth control, a limited number of sexual partners (no new person every night of the week, that's just asking for trouble), and full disclosure with everyone involved. Well, I say full disclosure, but I don't need the sex details. But I need to know that it's happening. And the third party needs to know that my partner is in a relationship with me before they actually bump uglies.

If my partner can't do that, then we have other problems.

However, I can imagine most people being rather upset. My friends would say it is like being told that you aren't good enough.

I think frank discussions are the key to any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

I hope this helps. Sorry if it doesn't.

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Hooded_Crow

I would burst out crying. To me, sex is such an emotional and intimate thing that it would make me feel horrible if I knew my partner wanted to do that with complete strangers or even with other people that aren't strangers.

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SorryNotSorry

I agree with #4 and #5.

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I would burst out crying. To me, sex is such an emotional and intimate thing that it would make me feel horrible if I knew my partner wanted to do that with complete strangers or even with other people that aren't strangers.

That, pretty much :<

But, sweetie, I hope you know that isn't going to happen ;)

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MacPopcorn

I would be upset because they weren't satisfied with me and our relationship and I don't think an open relationship would be the solution for me as I would want My girlfriend to be loyal and committed to me and not sleeping with other people while in a relationship with me.

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Break up. I'm not okay with someone having sex outside the relationship. If they need that, then I'm not the person for them.

Actually I'd already have ended it when they told me they wanted children (which, according to your hypothetical, they do). Not happening.

Both of these!

I absolutely could not deal with anything going on outside the relationship.

Its just me, I'd need a 100% monogamous relationship for it to work.

For allot of things my feeling is "never say 'never'"...children is one thing where it is simply "never"

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whocaresthough

Let them. Sexual intercourse doesn't define love, so if they need sex, and can't get it from me, I can't take that away from them. If they truly love me, we'll see.

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Don't know. Never even been close to such a situation. I guess people can feel anxious about the sexual partner eventually leaving for a person it had sex with. If it makes you too anxious then it most likely might not be a good option.

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Well I've never been in that situation, but I wouldn't be ok with an open relationship. I would feel like I wasn't good enough for my partner and I would worry about them getting too attached to someone they were having sex with and then leaving me. For some people it could work out but not for me.

Well I've never been in that situation, but I wouldn't be ok with an open relationship. I would feel like I wasn't good enough for my partner and I would worry about them getting too attached to someone they were having sex with and then leaving me. For some people it could work out but not for me.

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I'd ask him how much he'd had to drink because we're already in an open relationship.

Yep. "In other news, the rain sure is wet this time of the year, innit?" :D

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to me, it's like cheating even though you'll be aware of it. it's like your partner is saying you're not good enough or something. i think if someone loves you enough, they wouldn't do that.

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Eh. Um. I never even tried to have sex with my girlfriend. She gets the hots for lots of people so I have no idea if maybe one day she'd say she needs sex. No clue. We have a long distance relationship so it's pretty much my biggest fear that at some point she says she had sex with someone or that she wants to have sex with someone (while we're still in a relationship) because on one hand it feels weird for me to say that she can't or shouldn't (I'm horribly jealous so that would be ... not good with me) on the other hand who am I to judge the needs of an allosexual person?
):
But seriously, if my partner said she'd want to have sex outside of our relationship that would be devastating for me. Especially because that means that there's something I can't give her that someone else can and who says that maybe at some point the other person wouldn't become more important? Relationships between people usually develop when they're close so yeah, this would scare me a lot. It would be a reason for me to seriously discuss breaking up.
I know it sounds egoistic but truth to be told, in a relationship you're also allowed to think of yourself at some point and I suffered enough emotional hurt in my life so far and I don't need any more.

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RavenKawaii

It would really depend either:

1. We make guidelines and boundaries for them having sex outside the relationship.

2. I just break up with them and hope they find someone who can meet their standards in that certain area.

Or 3. I make the sacrifice to try, even though I find it horrifying to have sex, and do it for them.

It really depends on that relationship with that person and how much you trust and love that person. It would take a great deal of trust for me to do #1 and not feel greatly betrayed and stride to option 2. It would take even more trust and love for me to even consider option 3, maybe if we were married and/or were in a relationship for a VERY long time. (To be honest I'd most likely do #2 though).

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ChineseGirl

How would YOU react if your long term partner said that they loved you, didn't want to leave, wanted to raise children with you etc, but they needed to have sex with others outside of the marriage because the lack of sexual intimacy between the two of you negatively affect them constantly?

I don't know because I'm single and I want to stay single

what I can say is this is a common situation nowadays

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TeddyMiller

I guess I could be okay with it. My hypothetical reaction to discovering an affair wouldn't be to be furious or devastated, but to discuss the situation.

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I would understand, but I would suggest to end the relationship and remain friends :( there's no way an open relationship would work for me. I guess that's why I'm still single xD

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Oddball-Meo

I would worry too much about them getting someone pregnant or liking the person more than me and choosing them over me because they can offer sex where I can't. So I would break up with tears streaming down my face, while trying to be strong.

At least this is what I think I would do.

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I would say if they really need it, that is fine, but our romantic relationship will end and I hope they find someone more compatible.

I would do the same thing!
It would hurt but I think that's the right thing to do when you and your partner can't solve a problem because it demands a huge sacrifice from only one of you...
Allow such a thing would be a momentary death for me! All I feel when I imagine the situation is pain!
But if sex is really that important for my partner and it feels like hell to let things remain like they are then I think we should separate...=/
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EverHopeful

Honestly, I would think that this person sounds as if they are trying to emotionally manipulate me...dangling all of my hopes and dreams in front of me - love, marriage, children - only to snatch it away if they don't get what they want (sex). This isn't 1915 - there are any number of sex toys, mastabatory aids, porn etc that they could use to satisfy their sexual urges without cheating on me if they wished. Instead are giving me an ultimatum in which I lose, whatever I chose.

Open relationships can work between aces and sexuals, but only, imo, if both parties set out with this relationship in mind. Obviously I don't know the details, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here. This person has made certain that they get what they want, whatever the outcome, and I don't think that true love or respect can exist in a relationship that is built upon coercion like this.

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I would be surprised at the fact that I am now gay, then proceed to have sex with him until he shuts up.

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Honestly, I would think that this person sounds as if they are trying to emotionally manipulate me...dangling all of my hopes and dreams in front of me - love, marriage, children - only to snatch it away if they don't get what they want (sex). This isn't 1915 - there are any number of sex toys, mastabatory aids, porn etc that they could use to satisfy their sexual urges without cheating on me if they wished. Instead are giving me an ultimatum in which I lose, whatever I chose.

Open relationships can work between aces and sexuals, but only, imo, if both parties set out with this relationship in mind. Obviously I don't know the details, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here. This person has made certain that they get what they want, whatever the outcome, and I don't think that true love or respect can exist in a relationship that is built upon coercion like this.

Masturbation, toys, etc do not satisfy sexual urges for many sexuals. They need the mutual attraction/desire/passion, or at least a willing human partner.

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EverHopeful

Masturbation, toys, etc do not satisfy sexual urges for many sexuals. They need the mutual attraction/desire/passion, or at least a willing human partner.

You're absolutely right, of course. I realise that I was oversimplifying the sexual's needs in this scenario.
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TooOldForThis

It would depend on how they phrased it. If this came off as a threat or ultimatum of some sort, or an attempt to guilt me into having sex with them, or the prelude to a break-up, then I would just break up with them because none of those things are alright to try on a partner.

If they just discussed it politely with me, then I'd have no problem with it. I'd expect the same concession from their end, of course; if there's something I need that they can't or won't give me, then we'd discuss it, and the possibility of my getting that thing from outside the relationship would have to come up.

That said, I'm polyamorous, so my perspective on this is probably skewed from the statistical norm.

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