Jump to content

(Possibly explicit) My SO has expressed unhappiness in our sexless relationship...now what?


thechambers

Recommended Posts

thechambers

My SO (sexual) and I (asexual/sex negative) began dating in 2007. We broke up in 2009. In 2012 we got back together. We have lived together for 3 years now. The first time we broke up, it was over sex-related issues. Almost a couple of years ago he proposed to me but I declined when I announced I had decided I no longer wanted children in our relationship.

Fast forward to present day. We are still together.

He wants sex, I don't.

He wants children, I don't.

Otherwise we are perfect.

He's expressed numerous times that he'd rather have me than children, but I've been unconvinced on us sealing the deal...we are still unmarried.

Tonight he broke down emotionally when I turned down sex. He told me that he feels we have no connection to each other. He struggles with a sadness, emptiness, maybe even depression daily knowing we've never had sex. He feels incredibly insecure because: "No girl has ever found me attractive, including you." He says he has just resigned himself to always being sexless which was followed by him breaking down into tears.

However, despite us not having 'sex', (Sex defined as penetration in this case) we do have 1-2 sexual encounters in a month. These are notably engaged by him, him being the sexual in our relationship. We have not had penetrative sex yet which is deeply rooted in a lack of access to reliable birth control, tokophobia, and in general fear+repulsion of sex on my part.

I have explained to him that I am asexual and I explained this to him again tonight. He does not believe me. He believes I only perceive myself as asexual by repressing all things sexual+fearing it. I suppose from his PoV if only I could get past those things I could be a 'normal' sexual woman.

Our current sex activities he says there is no happiness in. When I imply that having actual sex won't change anything he agrees. But then I ask him how I can make him happy sexually and he brings up sex again. I'm frustrated because I can't get a clear answer out of him on how I can be better for him. But I am also fearful that what he really wants is a highly sexual woman who will enjoy the sex and foreplay.

I do not like engaging. I suppose I do enjoy our sexual activities on a physical level in the moment. To that end, I am willing to compromise on sexual activities. However, he has also lamented in the past that there isn't enjoyment for him if I don't also enjoy it. I do enjoy it, I suppose, I just don't want or need it outside of wanting to make him happy.

TL;DR - My SO is sad and depressed because he thinks he is worthless. That lack of self worth seems to stem from my lack of sexual attraction to him. I have been unable to get a clear answer from him on how I can make him happier. I want to try actual sex to see if it helps him (after I can obtain reliable birth control) but I am beginning to fear we should break up. Does anyone have any advice?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't have any personal experience with this kind of situation, but it definitely sounds like he has some serious self esteem problems which he has convinced himself stem entirely from the fact that he isn't having sex which he is then blaming you for. I don't believe that's really where his lack of worth stems from and sex won't be a cure- all for his problems and I firmly believe that if you two don't feel a connection right now one won't magically appear if you do decide to have "actual sex". Honestly, to me it sounds like he needs a therapist or some kind of professional. I also saw a red flag in that he doesn't believe you when you tell him you're asexual- if he doesn't believe in a part of your identity I see that as disrespectful to you. That's probably why he doesn't feel a connection to you- he refuses to accept you for who you are. Since you stated that other than those two large differences you are perfect, it might be worth him going to counseling, whether it be couples or individual. However, since you yourself see a possible break up on the horizon right now, if you two can't have a heart to heart and really agree to try and work through your issues together (you only trying to please him sexually does not count) I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have explained to him that I am asexual and I explained this to him again tonight. He does not believe me. He believes I only perceive myself as asexual by repressing all things sexual+fearing it. I suppose from his PoV if only I could get past those things I could be a 'normal' sexual woman.

Our current sex activities he says there is no happiness in. When I imply that having actual sex won't change anything he agrees. But then I ask him how I can make him happy sexually and he brings up sex again. I'm frustrated because I can't get a clear answer out of him on how I can be better for him. But I am also fearful that what he really wants is a highly sexual woman who will enjoy the sex and foreplay

I think you did get a clear answer out of him: he wants actual sex, and he wants you to enjoy it. And he doesn't believe you are asexual, even though you've explained (and pretty much shown) that you are.

Until he believes what you have told him, there's not much hope for communication between the two of you, and without communication, there can't be any compromise. If you are repulsed by actual sex, there may not be a compromise possible. That may be the reality of the situation.

Rather than continuing to ask him what he wants from you (because you know it), tell him how you feel and what you want (and don't want) from him. This relationship is not a one-sided thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frigid Pink

First of all, I wouldn't acknowledge or follow a hierarchy of sexual activity. Sex is sex is sex, penetrative or not. It's a pretty big deal for me, as an "asexual" person, to share any sexual activity with someone at all, so, sexual activity hierarchies aren't okay with me.

Also, it's not okay for anyone to think they know someone better than they know themselves, romantic partner or not. We're the experts on ourselves and the way we feel, not others.

Overall, it seems like there are some major incompatibilities in your current relationship, and only you can decide whether or not they're tolerable for you, however, I know they wouldn't be tolerable for me. I've been there.

I've been in a situation before where my romantic partner really wanted certain sexual activities (even when they knew that I wasn't okay with and extremely repulsed by them), really wanted me to initiate sex (which doesn't happen naturally for me), and really wanted me to be "into sex" (and experience sex in a way that doesn't happen naturally for me).

Fortunately, that relationship didn't work out, because, if it had, then I wouldn't have met the person I'm with now. I get to be myself with this person and that's okay (because they like me). I don't engage in certain sexual activities with them (because I'm more repulsed by some of them and don't want to engage in them and that's more than okay with my current partner), my partner initiates sex (and is okay if I don't), and however I experience sex and enjoy sex (naturally for me) is okay with my partner. I feel like my romantic partner accepts me and accepts me sexually. It's a relief!

Also, I don't want children and my romantic partner is more than okay with that. I've never heard about tokophobia before now, however, I definitely relate to what I've read about it.

Whew! I realize that was a lot to share, however, I have a lot to say because I relate to this situation in so many ways, and I hope that what I share will be helpful in some way.

It was difficult for me to move on and see that the issues in my previous romantic relationship were incompatibilities and that incompatibilities are things that you either do or don't accept, not things that you can change and make work or work through. It was a tough lesson to learn, however, I'm glad I learned it. It was tough to learn that love isn't enough and that love doesn't conquer all. It takes more than that. It's also important to realize that your own needs and happiness are just as important as your partner's and not to neglect or harm yourself in order to please or make someone else happy.

I highly recommend this article which addresses that there can be love without pain (and that's probably the best love to have):

http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/

Link to post
Share on other sites

Everyone before me pretty much summed up my views on your problem. I would recommend you two keeping a discussion on the subject and searching for professional help, if possible. If he joined AVEN too he would be able to understand our situation easily and would be able to talk with other (sexual) partners having the same issues, being able to have a better relationship with you. Also you two could discuss having a open relationship

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frigid Pink

Also you two could discuss having a open relationship

... if you're truly okay and comfortable with an open relationship.

Open relationships aren't for everyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been in a similar situation. I was in a 14 year relationship that ended last weekend. Our first wedding anniversary is in a month. The reason for the final breakdown was lack of sex on my part. She too has self esteem and depression issues that make her feel not good enough, with the lack of sex compounding this for her. We tried counselling, hypnotherapy, medication, new ways of trying to spice things up, trying sex regularly, trying sex infrequently...nothing got better. We ended things before she found sex elsewhere. We had a strong relationship in all aspects except sex and still that was not enough.

I think it all boils down to what the sexual partner is willing to compromise. If they can't handle a sexless relationship then things aren't going to work. If you can 'compromise' and continue to be sexual with him as you currently are, then there is always a chance that things may work, but he has to accept that this will be all there ever is, otherwise things won't work out. The fact that the conversation comes back to sex (it always does unfortunately) will lead to further argument and sometimes even resentment by both parties. That's not healthy nor a situation I ever enjoyed.

As for kids, again this may be ok now, but the other may always resent the one who says no. Adoption can overcome things but it depends if you don't want kids because of the sex/pregnancy/birth bit or just generally have no maternal interest. We never got as far as kids, but I wouldn't even think of them or adoption if there was the slightest chance that the relationship could not define it's sexual/asexual nature and what both people want from it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ChineseGirl

you should broke up for good with your boyfriend

you're asexual, he's sexual...any relationship between you and your bf is impossible!

Link to post
Share on other sites

you should broke up for good with your boyfriend

you're asexual, he's sexual...any relationship between you and your bf is impossible!

There are many asexual/sexual relationships, it's not easy (what relationship is?) but it's not impossible due to orientations alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...