nutmeag Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 So the realization that I'm asexual is a new idea to me--I always assumed it was combo my being picky and Catholic guilt. The thing is that while I don't abhor sex or find it disgusting, I do find it mostly boring and hard to concentrate on. I remember when I started having sex (with a very open and sexual guy), I never actually orgasmed (not even with oral or fingering). I would also have so much trouble paying attention during sex; my mind wandered like crazy. When I noted my lack of orgasms, my BF suggested masturbation, so I gave it a try. I had fairly good success with that. After, I realized that if, during sex, I sort of acted like it was masturbation--in that I put my brain into a separate fantasy situation--it helped a lot. So my body is feeling the physical sensation (only vaguely successful in getting me aroused), while my mind is in another sexual situation completely. For a while I thought it was just a control thing, but I'm in control sexually most of the time, so I don't think it's that. Ever since then, if I want to orgasm or just not be completely bored during sex (with my husb, who I love), I always have to do this mind-body separation. Oh, and the fanstasy never involves me at all--its two rando people who don't even really have physical characteristics. Of course, all of this is only semi helpful, because I can't keep the fantasy going after my own orgasm, so I'm stuck being bored until the husb gets off (which can take a while). I haven't discussed length of time for sex with the husb yet (just realized the asexual thing a week ago and husb is out of town), so hopefully that part can get cleared up eventually. Anywho, just wondering if anyone else uses this "technique" during sex. If so, do you do it every time or just occasionally? Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Yes, but perhaps not as strongly as you. I enjoy sex with my partner but feel I have a short attention span for it. I get bored after not too long. (I often want sex, but get bored after a short while after it has been initiated XD) I separate but do not have fantasies, rather I focus on the sensations. This is where I am having trouble defining where I am on the asexual spectrum XD Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I too get bored with sex. Even if it's masturbation, I won't do it if I'm bored. The urge has to be really strong. I haven't had sex with another person before. I could see myself doing something like this though. I can see how I would get bored, seeing as I usually can't entertain myself. :P Link to post Share on other sites
flipflopperman Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 yep, that's pretty similar to how i feel. i get very bored during sex, to the point where my brain has to move onto something else completely. that was actually one of the first things that made me realize i was probably ace. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't really need to have a fantasy but, I definitely get a sense of distance from it. I might be strange actually, because I focus on my partner in order to remove myself from the scenario. I get into a "seperate mind" such that, it isn't me who's engaged I'm just a neutral observer, no it's like I'm having a sex fantasy of the moment I'm escaping from xD which now that I say that, makes sense because, my visual imagination is very limited. I don't see images in my head, so the "visuals" of what are going on in life would be the basis of any "visuals" in my head if it's a similar scenario. but yeah, like, I'm "not really" in the moment. the moment becomes like a dream or reverie, rather than a real experience. and it helps to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't really need to have a fantasy but, I definitely get a sense of distance from it.... but yeah, like, I'm "not really" in the moment. the moment becomes like a dream or reverie, rather than a real experience. and it helps to do this. Hmm this... Sort of. I can (and do) separate myself from what's going on if it's with someone I'm not bothered about. I can switch off and as far as I know my body goes along with it and I'm mostly indifferent. However it's very very difficult to switch off with someone I actually care about because I want to be in the moment and trying to do so causes anxiety :D I'm also suddenly aware of my own inadequacies and insecurities which then add to the anxiety and it just becomes a whole mess of crap... Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't really need to have a fantasy but, I definitely get a sense of distance from it.... but yeah, like, I'm "not really" in the moment. the moment becomes like a dream or reverie, rather than a real experience. and it helps to do this.Hmm this... Sort of. I can (and do) separate myself from what's going on if it's with someone I'm not bothered about. I can switch off and as far as I know my body goes along with it and I'm mostly indifferent. However it's very very difficult to switch off with someone I actually care about because I want to be in the moment and trying to do so causes anxiety :D I'm also suddenly aware of my own inadequacies and insecurities which then add to the anxiety and it just becomes a whole mess of crap... yea dont ask me my secret to somehow be in the moment but also switched off at the same time. I'm "switched off"so I dont even know the secret xD Link to post Share on other sites
nutmeag Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 It's definitely helpful to see I'm not alone in this and that lots of people have their own coping mechanisms. Appreciate y'all being willing to share. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes, but perhaps not as strongly as you. I enjoy sex with my partner but feel I have a short attention span for it. I get bored after not too long. (I often want sex, but get bored after a short while after it has been initiated XD) I separate but do not have fantasies, rather I focus on the sensations. This is where I am having trouble defining where I am on the asexual spectrum XD Does anyone have an opinion on where I might fall? I know that question can get annoying here! I suppose it depends on how you define attraction and everyone defines it differently and that's where it gets confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes, but perhaps not as strongly as you. I enjoy sex with my partner but feel I have a short attention span for it. I get bored after not too long. (I often want sex, but get bored after a short while after it has been initiated XD) I separate but do not have fantasies, rather I focus on the sensations. This is where I am having trouble defining where I am on the asexual spectrum XD Does anyone have an opinion on where I might fall? I know that question can get annoying here! I suppose it depends on how you define attraction and everyone defines it differently and that's where it gets confusing. Hmm. Well ultimately it's you who decides on the label etc etc (that's my disclaimer :D) however, you can compare yourself to me and make up your mind... I say I'm somewhere in the grey area... I'm not after a label though, I just go with the flow... Anyway. Ok so, I have a lot of anxiety at first when it comes to sex, so wouldn't initiate for a while until I become more comfortable. Once I become more at ease, I'd probably only initiate for stress relief or to be intimate with them, to make them happy etc. Sex is certainly not a bad experience, I just don't think it's all it's cracked up to be and I wouldn't really seek it out. For me, there's no heat when I look at someone, no uncontrollable impulse or compulsion or innate desire or whatever to rip their clothes off and fuck them (i.e. attraction)... but that's not to say that it can't happen :D it'll just be a conscious choice on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
Keels Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Hmmm, interesting thread. I kind of feel like I wish I could separate. Sex for me tends to be really mechanical and algorithmic, so my conscious mind is always whirring away in the background, keeping track of where I am, what I'm supposed to do next, how my partner's responding, focusing on the sensations to increase the chance of actually getting off, etc., etc. I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't 'come naturally' to me, so, like dissolved said, it's always a conscious choice -- all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yes, but perhaps not as strongly as you. I enjoy sex with my partner but feel I have a short attention span for it. I get bored after not too long. (I often want sex, but get bored after a short while after it has been initiated XD) I separate but do not have fantasies, rather I focus on the sensations. This is where I am having trouble defining where I am on the asexual spectrum XD Does anyone have an opinion on where I might fall? I know that question can get annoying here! I suppose it depends on how you define attraction and everyone defines it differently and that's where it gets confusing. Hmm. Well ultimately it's you who decides on the label etc etc (that's my disclaimer :D) however, you can compare yourself to me and make up your mind... I say I'm somewhere in the grey area but have cupio aspects too... I'm not after a label though, I just go with the flow... Anyway. Ok so, I have a lot of anxiety at first when it comes to sex, so wouldn't initiate for a while until I become more comfortable. Once I become more at ease, I'd probably only initiate for stress relief or to be intimate with them, to make them happy etc. Sex is certainly not a bad experience, I just don't think it's all it's cracked up to be and I wouldn't really seek it out. For me, there's no heat when I look at someone, no uncontrollable impulse or compulsion or innate desire or whatever to rip their clothes off and fuck them (i.e. attraction)... but that's not to say that it can't happen :D it'll just be a conscious choice on my part. Can relate to the part about no heat. But I do desire sex. Maybe (really dark) Grey-Ace would be a nice all rounder, for now. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your own experience. Link to post Share on other sites
nutmeag Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Hmmm, interesting thread. I kind of feel like I wish I could separate. Sex for me tends to be really mechanical and algorithmic, so my conscious mind is always whirring away in the background, keeping track of where I am, what I'm supposed to do next, how my partner's responding, focusing on the sensations to increase the chance of actually getting off, etc., etc. I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't 'come naturally' to me, so, like dissolved said, it's always a conscious choice -- all of it. It's a lot like that for me as well, hence my need for the separate fantasy. Otherwise my brain gets so focused on mechanics that I feel nothing. I guess in a way the fantasy helps me focus more on sensation and gets me away from thinking or from concentrating on my surroundings. I once laughed during sex because Futurama was on the tv in another room, and I got distracted by it. True story. So yeah, I guess the fantasy actually helps me stay in the moment a bit more? I just realized that, hah! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I find sex horribly boring. And I don't actually enjoy the sensations or even orgasms... I find it uncomfortable (physically uncomfortable... all that muscle spasming urgh). So, I tend to just "zone out" and have songs playing in my head and such. My partner takes forever as well (30-40 minutes on average) so I HAVE to kinda get out of the situation by not concentrating on it, or I am just sitting there "OK, hurry up, come on... we can be doing anything else with this time..." in my head instead. :P Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I find sex horribly boring. And I don't actually enjoy the sensations or even orgasms... I find it uncomfortable (physically uncomfortable... all that muscle spasming urgh). So, I tend to just "zone out" and have songs playing in my head and such. My partner takes forever as well (30-40 minutes on average) so I HAVE to kinda get out of the situation by not concentrating on it, or I am just sitting there "OK, hurry up, come on... we can be doing anything else with this time..." in my head instead. :P You could write your shopping list! Do a sudoku?! XD Link to post Share on other sites
Loken Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I honestly didn't know this wasn't something everyone did. That said, it's ok. If it bugs you to have your mind wander, then talk to your husband and figure it out together - partnership is great! You don't have to come out with "asexual" all in one conversation. Maybe just start with addressing this specific topic to get his input. For me, sensation is great, but I actually can't orgasm if I think about it too much. If I focus on what's going on, I just stress out, so I sort of mentally coach myself into letting my mind wander over random topics and fantasies until the sensation takes care of the orgasm. As for my partners orgasm - the intimacy is what I'm really in bed for. I like to concentrate on what my partner is feeling, get some intense eye contact, and such. If he takes a long time to orgasm, I suggest switching positions mid way or try to mix it up some other way. I'm not sure if this helps at all as I'm also still figuring myself out here, but I hope that it works for you and you can still have a good time with your husb. Link to post Share on other sites
EmsanQ Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I have the same thing. If I want to achieve anything by doing stuff I have to get my mind involved, and that's easier said than done. Most of the time if I decide to give it go I end up reading a book instead, because it's just frankly a lot more fun and stuff.I had a discussion about it with the guy I like and he said he was sorry that it was so hard for me that way. But I don't really feel like it's a bad thing or anything, I don't ever MISS sexual stuff. If I can be bothered with it I'm sure it's okay, but I'm perfectly well off otherwise too Link to post Share on other sites
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