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Is my boyfriend asexual?


Penny725

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Hello all. Ive read so many posts on asexuality for the last few months after looking for answers as to why my boyfriend doesn't ever want sex. We have been together for 2.5 years and have 2 kids and have been talking marriage. Hes great to me in every way however sex is always an issue. Before I was pregnant we had sex maybe twice a month, but I noticed if anything was distracting or uncomfortable for him he would lose his erection.

Fast forward to now we haven't slept in the same bed together since I became pregnant, have sex once every 4-5 months only IF I am pretty much begging him to show me some affection. It makes me feel insecure, hurt, angry, and sad that my boyfriend never wants to be intimate with me. I ask him what the problem is and he always gives me a different excuse. First he was too tired because of the kids, then he was stressed out, then he felt I didn't try to look sexy for him,... the list goes on and on. I changed everything to satisfy him. I watch the kids, I let him sleep in, I dress up and wear makeup, I initiate it but he turns me down. We never really touch or kiss (like a real kiss), its almost like we are just friends who have kids together. I don't want to sound vain but I know I am a good looking woman, I am slim and get compliments on how great I look despite just having twins. So I don't know why its so hard for him when in my previous relationships sex was healthy and often.

We have talked about getting married for a while now, but I am fearful he might just be asexual and things will never change. I dont know if I can be with him and be denied that intimacy for the rest of my life. We are both in our late twenties. When I bring up his low sex drive he always tells me it will get better and wont be like this forever. He says he wants to have sex but he just feels awkward about it because we have gone so long without. I cry myself to sleep so many nights because I feel so lonely and I resent him for being nonsexual. I know he's not cheating, and he tells me he hardly masturbates and doesn't really watch porn.

Are asexuals sometimes in denial? How can one be asexual all of the sudden? Does people ever go through an asexual phase?

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He doesn't have to be Asexual to not like sex. He can be any sexuality and still not like it, or not really want it. Not to mention that we can¨t tell you if he is or not, only he himself can do that. What you should do is to sit down and have a deep talk, but honestly don't hope much, it just doesn't have to be everyone cup of tea.

So yea, just you two talk about anything you need to and take your time and perhaps show him some your findings and see.

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I agree with chatting to him. It's important to be honest and tell him how you feel, that you can't go on if things don't improve. It will be hard but things will conclude as a result which will be better for both of you. Maybe you can research this site and other articles on Asexuality to see if he identifies with anything.

I wouldn't push him though as it can to some people be distressing and 'unmanly' to discover you'd prefer a life without sex. Especially if his friends are typical males who go on about sex all the time - it can be lonely being the one in the crowd who has to bow to peer pressure and engage in sex talk.

I would also come at it at an angle of 'researching' different reasons why he has difficulties. Approach the subject of Asexuality as one of many different reasons why it could be he has problems. As the previous poster said, he may not be asexual and could have medical or mental reasons why he lacks libido. Have you thought of couples or sex counselling?

Good luck

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