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I got really really dysphoric yesterday. I was shopping for swimwear (had to).

The clothing industry shouted at me: "If you're a girl, you like bright colours, pink, flowers and you want to show as much as possible. If you're a boy, you like dark colours, plaid cloth, star wars etc."

WHAT IF I DON'T??? I was so frustrated. I felt like I'm not designed for this world. It was horrible enough to see myself in the mirror wearing almost nothing. I had to concentrate to not start hitting things around me, slamming doors etc. And there was no punching bag around - my dysphoria made me more aggressive than I used to be.

Eventually, I did find something that was mostly okay.

I was so angry that I refused to speak to the cashier and her colleague. I answered their greetings with a nod, paid and left quickly. Never mind what they thought of me. I saw them exchange curious looks.

I still don't know what kind of dysphoria this is. It might be related to my gender identity (what is gender?) and/or my asexuality. I don't know. I don't know if I'm cis, or trans, or somewhere in between. All I know is that it hurts.

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Oh, I am sorry, the clothing industry can be really frustrating sometimes.

For the next time, I would try some shop with sport equipment instead of fashion one, the swimwear is usually better. Though you still notice differences; I buy running shoes for men because my feet are too big, and I noticed that I basically don't have to worry about the stupid color combinations, that's just shoes for women.

My biggest problem was the era of low-waist jeans. I was fucking COLD! And jeans for men don't fit (if you have big hips) and people are not going to tell you where to get the normal ones, you just get answers like "but guys don't like it". Ummm, I want to buy comfortable jeans covering my lower back - I don't want someone else to LIKE it.

So it does not have to be related to gender identity, I am cis female and had so many problems with the clothing industry. Once I actually hit a shopping assistant, that was when I asked if (yes, I was asking IF, not WHERE) they have womens shoes in size 43, and she started LAUGHING and said "but womens shoes are up to 41" and then asked WHY I want them.

Or the guy who started with "I don't understand why you buy clothes that's not 100% perfect, I would not buy it if I did not like something about it" after discussion about how elegant womens clothing is missing proper pocket, and that one has to compromise. No. Totally does not get it, calling others stupid for making compromises and supporting companies that produce something not-that-perfect, totally ignoring the fact that THERE IS NO OPTION (apart from custom-made, which would be much more expensive).

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Personally I think that my refusal to accept this baby-producing machine was very beneficial for me, for example I would otherwise drop out of high school and / or university (due to family problem), but my number one motivation to get over it was "if I have a gap year in my CV, someone might think that I got pregnant and kept it, and that would be so humiliating if people thought that I am one of those keepers who are afraid of aborting", and I started doing endurance sport "to get rid of the fertile fat in healthier way" and just to increase my "feeling of infertility".

And so on. That's why I take it so badly when my parents refuse to accept my childfree identity, because everything they boast about to their friends (Ph.D. and marathon) is childfreedom-related. If I wanted to have kids and a relationship, I would be probably working as a barmaid or a nail artists.

Sorry to hear your parents aren't accepting of your choices about your body and life. :(

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Thanks. I think I have no chance to persuade them somehow, so I rather stopped talking to them at all, because I noticed that I am doing things just to prove myself (like having sex with random people to get the "whore" label, which is for them like the opposite of good wife and mother). Or, just yesterday I was watching some of the "American kids try for the first time X" videos, and it occurred to me that I would not watch it at my parents apartment, because they would get the "she is watching something with kids, she is going to change her mind and start producing a ton of pink screaming sprog". Then I would start feeling like "Wait, you think I am willing to ruin my body with pregnancy? Obviously I am not skinny enough, otherwise you would not get these ideas." and get on Atkinson diet again.

They are just desperately watching for "signs" that I am changing in the person they want, so fuck them.

It is totally general attitude, I started clashing with that already as a child, the neverending "oh, just wait until she changes her mind / accepts that / gets used to it" attitude to everything since I was eight years old (can't recall that before, but it was probably similar).

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chiizukeeki

I got really really dysphoric yesterday. I was shopping for swimwear (had to).

The clothing industry shouted at me: "If you're a girl, you like bright colours, pink, flowers and you want to show as much as possible. If you're a boy, you like dark colours, plaid cloth, star wars etc."

WHAT IF I DON'T??? I was so frustrated. I felt like I'm not designed for this world. It was horrible enough to see myself in the mirror wearing almost nothing. I had to concentrate to not start hitting things around me, slamming doors etc. And there was no punching bag around - my dysphoria made me more aggressive than I used to be.

Eventually, I did find something that was mostly okay.

I was so angry that I refused to speak to the cashier and her colleague. I answered their greetings with a nod, paid and left quickly. Never mind what they thought of me. I saw them exchange curious looks.

I still don't know what kind of dysphoria this is. It might be related to my gender identity (what is gender?) and/or my asexuality. I don't know. I don't know if I'm cis, or trans, or somewhere in between. All I know is that it hurts.

I am sorry for your pain. Sounds like social dysphoria, a dysphoria related to expectations of social gender role and expression? I don't know.. What kind of cloths would you like to wear?

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AceConfused

Okay, so my gender expression changes to very masculine sometimes, occasionally androgynous, and most of the time feminine. On my androgynous days, I just wear a sports bra and I'm fine. But on my more masculine days, I'm really uncomfortable with my chest, hips, and waist. I have pretty much an hourglass figure, which is great for when I present and feel feminine, but not so much for when I feel and present more masculine. I wear 2 sports bras (one normal and one backwards. I saw somewhere that it was a safe way to bind without a binder.) but I don't know what to do about my hips and waist. I don't really call it dysphoria, though. I just say I'm uncomfortable. I'm really glad that I don't have a really big chest, though.

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I think I've mentioned this before but every time someone tells me that I'm feminine it makes me want to cry, that's how much it upsets me. But recently I read a post that inspired me in a way. It was by a genderless person who had just had top surgery and they said that they felt more feminine than ever and like they were finally at peace with their femininity. When I read that I thought that it sounds like something that I would do, lol. Because when I think about people seeing me as a feminine guy, that does not bother me at all, I actually like the thought, even though I don't identify as a man, I'm just more comfortable being in a male social role, I want to be seen and treated as a guy. But when I think about people seeing me as a feminine or masculine girl, it upsets me greatly. So I guess that I don't hate being called "feminine", I just hate the context in which it's used. People usually call me "feminine" in an attempt to tell me that I'm a girl. It feels like it's used as a weapon against my actual gender. I've realized that, at least for me, femininity is not synonymous with womanhood.

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I think I've mentioned this before but every time someone tells me that I'm feminine it makes me want to cry, that's how much it upsets me. But recently I read a post that inspired me in a way. It was by a genderless person who had just had top surgery and they said that they felt more feminine than ever and like they were finally at peace with their femininity. When I read that I thought that it sounds like something that I would do, lol. Because when I think about people seeing me as a feminine guy, that does not bother me at all, I actually like the thought, even though I don't identify as a man, I'm just more comfortable being in a male social role, I want to be seen and treated as a guy. But when I think about people seeing me as a feminine or masculine girl, it upsets me greatly. So I guess that I don't hate being called "feminine", I just hate the context in which it's used. People usually call me "feminine" in an attempt to tell me that I'm a girl. It feels like it's used as a weapon against my actual gender. I've realized that, at least for me, femininity is not synonymous with womanhood.

I feel you. For a long time I felt like I needed to hide my femininity, because I would be seen as a girl then. But now I like the idea of myself being feminine, because it's not connected with being a woman. I feel like a lot of people who are not woman try to hide it, because they fear to be seen as a woman. It has to do with misogyny, having any sort of feminine or female feature would make us seem weak and gets us treated worse.

But being feminine doesn't have to do with your gender identity, it has to do with your gender expression, certain behaviours and clothing. Plus it's very subjective. You might feel masculine while doing something, while another person views it as feminine. Who is right now? It depends on your experience, how you were taught to view things. If the read someone as a certain gender you expect them to behave in a certain way, behaving in a different way seems unnatural to them. But if you get read as ambiguous, then they try to find clues to put you into one of the binary gender boxes. (I guess if they perceive a guy as feminine or a girl as masculine, they will assume something about their sexuality.)

I guess if I was assigned male at birth and/or look very masculine/male, I would be happy to show my feminine side more, but now it's a bit scary to put myself as that out there like that. However I'm trying to embrace my femininity, because there is nothing wrong with it.

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I think I've mentioned this before but every time someone tells me that I'm feminine it makes me want to cry, that's how much it upsets me. But recently I read a post that inspired me in a way. It was by a genderless person who had just had top surgery and they said that they felt more feminine than ever and like they were finally at peace with their femininity. When I read that I thought that it sounds like something that I would do, lol. Because when I think about people seeing me as a feminine guy, that does not bother me at all, I actually like the thought, even though I don't identify as a man, I'm just more comfortable being in a male social role, I want to be seen and treated as a guy. But when I think about people seeing me as a feminine or masculine girl, it upsets me greatly. So I guess that I don't hate being called "feminine", I just hate the context in which it's used. People usually call me "feminine" in an attempt to tell me that I'm a girl. It feels like it's used as a weapon against my actual gender. I've realized that, at least for me, femininity is not synonymous with womanhood.

I feel almost exactly the same!

Same as you, I get really dysphoric when people call me "pretty" of "feminine" or any of this shit, it feels like dying inside, like they try to force me into this box that hurts so much... "A weapon used against my actual gender" : that is exactly how it feels for me too.

And same as you, I would have been assigned male at birth, I think I would actually be really feminine, although for me it is more because I need to counterbalance the gender people see me as. Like inside of me coexist 3 genders but people only ever see one of them, and when they try to force me into this one box it hurts so bad. But I actually like the part of me that is woman, and I think being feminine can feel great sometimes. But since people only ever see me as a "girl", I just try so bad to not give them anything that would make them think that, and so I feel forced to shut down my feminity and that sucks...

So I am certain I will be able to be feminine once I begin transitionning, because the balance will be recovered at long last...

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But on my more masculine days, I'm really uncomfortable with my chest, hips, and waist. I have pretty much an hourglass figure, which is great for when I present and feel feminine, but not so much for when I feel and present more masculine. I wear 2 sports bras (one normal and one backwards. I saw somewhere that it was a safe way to bind without a binder.) but I don't know what to do about my hips and waist... I'm really glad that I don't have a really big chest, though.

Thankfully I don't have an hourglass figure (small chest), but I am "pear shaped" as my hips are noticeably wider than my waist. I found that there's not a lot of resources for genderfluid/gender neutral people, so most of the helpful websites I found were for ftm men, and I just kept in mind what I wanted and what I didn't want. This is one such site. It's pretty highly opinionated and the author is a little brash, just as a forewarning, but I don't think he's that bad. I just keep in mind to ignore the advice I don't care for and follow the advice I like.

One of the best things to do when you're trying to pull off a more masculine look, is layers. The link I gave you has the first section talking all about working out and testosterone to get a more masculine body type (which is probably less relevant for you), but clothing is really important, too, and it's the subject of the rest of the site. (It's especially vital for someone who's more fluid in their gender/gender presentation). My favorite things to wear on my most masculine days are my binder, a green t-shirt, a button-up jacket, and shorts:

  1. My binder is amazing for me. My chest is already pretty dang flat (I barely fill out an A cup bra), so the binder is able to make me almost as flat as my cis-guy friends. I've tried wearing two sports bras, and that works fairly well, too. If you're interested at all in buying a binder: g2cb is a great choice. Maybe a little pricey, but very comfortable and very high quality.
  2. I bought a plain green t-shirt at Goodwill and it is the best for masculine days. I think this was mentioned in the ftm site I linked, but it bears repeating: skinny arms means you want sleeves that don't flare out. If you have a smaller build (like me), you don't need a t-shirt with lose short sleeves that show how dainty you're arms are. My t-shirt's sleeves are skinny enough to hug my small arms, which works a lot better than my loose t-shirts I usually wear.
  3. I wear shorts mainly because I have yet to find men's pants that fit me. I'm short even for a lady (5'2"). Combine that with my wide hips, and finding men's jeans that fit me is next to impossible. So, right now I just go with shorts. Men usually wear longer shorts, so I can get away with shorts that are a little big on me. I just buy shorts that might hit a guy 2-3" above his knee, it hits me right at the knee, and I can get away with it because it's a length that guys usually wear.
  4. I love my jacket. I wear it on masculine days, neutral days, and sometimes feminine days (though I really don't usually have those...). It's XS, the only size that wouldn't make me look ridiculous. Layers are your friend, and jackets are the best to disguise that hip-waist ratio. I wear my jacket unbuttoned with my shorts and it hides the way that my waist narrows and it looks like I'm just a straight line to my hips (and then my shorts are slightly loose to make my thighs appear less curvy).

Um... I got a bit carried away. :redface: Sorry if you weren't looking for advice, I just know that I found it pretty nerve-racking and intimidating when I first started admitting to myself that it sometimes made me uncomfortable to constantly shop in the women's section and be called "Miss." :wacko: If it's not helpful to you... maybe someone else will get something out of it?

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I'm not sure if this has anything to do dysphoria but I found it interesting nonetheless.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend whom I told that I hate men's fashion. I just find it incredibly boring, bland, uncreative, ugly and monochromatic. IMO, when you walk into the men's section of the store all you see is black, grey, grey, white, black, black, black (and other dark colors). On the other hand, women's fashion, to me, is creative, beautiful, unique, has lots of interesting and different bright colors and color combinations, models, patterns and shapes. BUT, wearing men's clothing makes me feel more confident and much, much better in my own skin. My friend then disagreed and said that she loves men's fashion and wished she was a guy just so she could wear men's clothing. I then told her that she's doesn't have to be a guy, she can just wear whatever she wants to anyway and then she said that she doesn't want to wear men's clothes because she does not feel comfortable in her own skin when she does that. And so, I realized we feel in exactly opposite ways - I hate men's clothing but I love wearing it and she loves it but hates wearing it. I just find that interesting.

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I'm not sure if this has anything to do dysphoria but I found it interesting nonetheless.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend whom I told that I hate men's fashion. I just find it incredibly boring, bland, uncreative, ugly and monochromatic. IMO, when you walk into the men's section of the store all you see is black, grey, grey, white, black, black, black (and other dark colors). On the other hand, women's fashion, to me, is creative, beautiful, unique, has lots of interesting and different bright colors and color combinations, models, patterns and shapes. BUT, wearing men's clothing makes me feel more confident and much, much better in my own skin. My friend then disagreed and said that she loves men's fashion and wished she was a guy just so she could wear men's clothing. I then told her that she's doesn't have to be a guy, she can just wear whatever she wants to anyway and then she said that she doesn't want to wear men's clothes because she does not feel comfortable in her own skin when she does that. And so, I realized we feel in exactly opposite ways - I hate men's clothing but I love wearing it and she loves it but hates wearing it. I just find that interesting.

That is interesting ^^

I tend to feel the same way but fortunately I manage to find colorful men's clothes-- I adore the brand CrossBy for example, because they make clothes with flower prints and stuff like that :) Also thrift shops are full of old weird clothes and I generally find interesting stuff in those too

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It's interesting how cis people can sometimes feel a hint of dysphoria, isn't it? It's like proof that it's not "just a trans thing", it's real.

I had a boyfriend at one point (now an ex) that for some reason didn't like calling me a "partner" and would insist on saying "girlfriend", even in front of me and even when I was clearly in a dysphoric mood. So in retaliation (I know, I'm not perfect, people shouldn't retaliate... but I did anyway) I started calling him by "her" pronouns. It only took a few times of hearing it for him to really start acting irritable and tell me to stop. Of course, this was when I said I'd stop if he did, but it did surprise me how much that bothered him. It bothered him much more than hearing "she" bothers me when I'm in man-mode. But I guess I've had to come to terms with it, grow a thick skin to some extent.

In any case, you could imagine the eye roll I had going on in my head when I heard him argue, later, that "he" should be the gender-neutral pronoun. He didn't say this out loud, but the only thought going through my head was, "you say this because it's the only comfortable one for you isn't it? Therefore it must b so for everyone?"

So no. Just no. Making women be referred to with "he" pronouns does not make it gender neutral. It just doesn't.

:P

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I'm not sure if this has anything to do dysphoria but I found it interesting nonetheless.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend whom I told that I hate men's fashion. I just find it incredibly boring, bland, uncreative, ugly and monochromatic. IMO, when you walk into the men's section of the store all you see is black, grey, grey, white, black, black, black (and other dark colors). On the other hand, women's fashion, to me, is creative, beautiful, unique, has lots of interesting and different bright colors and color combinations, models, patterns and shapes. BUT, wearing men's clothing makes me feel more confident and much, much better in my own skin. My friend then disagreed and said that she loves men's fashion and wished she was a guy just so she could wear men's clothing. I then told her that she's doesn't have to be a guy, she can just wear whatever she wants to anyway and then she said that she doesn't want to wear men's clothes because she does not feel comfortable in her own skin when she does that. And so, I realized we feel in exactly opposite ways - I hate men's clothing but I love wearing it and she loves it but hates wearing it. I just find that interesting.

Shows the goth in me; I love the dark-hued, mostly monochromatic dresses, skirts, blouses, etc. I even go for dark-hued nail polish when I wear it. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to pull off dark lipstick with my blonde hair. -_-

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I'm not sure if this has anything to do dysphoria but I found it interesting nonetheless.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend whom I told that I hate men's fashion. I just find it incredibly boring, bland, uncreative, ugly and monochromatic. IMO, when you walk into the men's section of the store all you see is black, grey, grey, white, black, black, black (and other dark colors). On the other hand, women's fashion, to me, is creative, beautiful, unique, has lots of interesting and different bright colors and color combinations, models, patterns and shapes. BUT, wearing men's clothing makes me feel more confident and much, much better in my own skin. My friend then disagreed and said that she loves men's fashion and wished she was a guy just so she could wear men's clothing. I then told her that she's doesn't have to be a guy, she can just wear whatever she wants to anyway and then she said that she doesn't want to wear men's clothes because she does not feel comfortable in her own skin when she does that. And so, I realized we feel in exactly opposite ways - I hate men's clothing but I love wearing it and she loves it but hates wearing it. I just find that interesting.

Shows the goth in me; I love the dark-hued, mostly monochromatic dresses, skirts, blouses, etc. I even go for dark-hued nail polish when I wear it. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to pull off dark lipstick with my blonde hair. -_-

Haha dye your hair Harley Quinn style? ;P

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It's interesting how cis people can sometimes feel a hint of dysphoria, isn't it? It's like proof that it's not "just a trans thing", it's real.

I had a boyfriend at one point (now an ex) that for some reason didn't like calling me a "partner" and would insist on saying "girlfriend", even in front of me and even when I was clearly in a dysphoric mood. So in retaliation (I know, I'm not perfect, people shouldn't retaliate... but I did anyway) I started calling him by "her" pronouns. It only took a few times of hearing it for him to really start acting irritable and tell me to stop. Of course, this was when I said I'd stop if he did, but it did surprise me how much that bothered him. It bothered him much more than hearing "she" bothers me when I'm in man-mode. But I guess I've had to come to terms with it, grow a thick skin to some extent.

In any case, you could imagine the eye roll I had going on in my head when I heard him argue, later, that "he" should be the gender-neutral pronoun. He didn't say this out loud, but the only thought going through my head was, "you say this because it's the only comfortable one for you isn't it? Therefore it must b so for everyone?"

So no. Just no. Making women be referred to with "he" pronouns does not make it gender neutral. It just doesn't.

:P

I really think that some people feel their gender very strongly whereas other don't really --I'm not saying that for trans people specifically but for everyone.

I'm presently trying to get my family to respect my pronouns and accords and they're all just so bad at it, it's dismaying... I guess the main reason is because they're still in denial about my gender identity and they still have to work through that stage.

And it can get so hard for me to be around them when they never respect my pronouns, accords, or even name or anything, that I have to shorten holidays with them and stuff like that...

Anyway, they seem to not being able to even conceive that it hurts me, that it is something that is hard for me, no matter how I explain it. And sometimes I just wish to call them by wrong pronouns so they could feel it. It's not in a mean way or anything, it's just that I wish they could feel it.

And I think it would work for some persons --like I know my sister has a strong sense of her gender and she would feel dysphoric if I refered to her as a man-- but for others I don't know if they would even feel anything at all. It's like they don't experience gender in the same way, like gender has a different meaning for them, in how they feel it... And so I don't know how to begin to explain my experience of gender to them...

I don't know if that's really clear but I don't really know how to explain that :l

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I'm not sure if this has anything to do dysphoria but I found it interesting nonetheless.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend whom I told that I hate men's fashion. I just find it incredibly boring, bland, uncreative, ugly and monochromatic. IMO, when you walk into the men's section of the store all you see is black, grey, grey, white, black, black, black (and other dark colors). On the other hand, women's fashion, to me, is creative, beautiful, unique, has lots of interesting and different bright colors and color combinations, models, patterns and shapes. BUT, wearing men's clothing makes me feel more confident and much, much better in my own skin. My friend then disagreed and said that she loves men's fashion and wished she was a guy just so she could wear men's clothing. I then told her that she's doesn't have to be a guy, she can just wear whatever she wants to anyway and then she said that she doesn't want to wear men's clothes because she does not feel comfortable in her own skin when she does that. And so, I realized we feel in exactly opposite ways - I hate men's clothing but I love wearing it and she loves it but hates wearing it. I just find that interesting.

Shows the goth in me; I love the dark-hued, mostly monochromatic dresses, skirts, blouses, etc. I even go for dark-hued nail polish when I wear it. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to pull off dark lipstick with my blonde hair. -_-

Haha dye your hair Harley Quinn style? ;P

Actually, I dressed as Harley for Halloween last year! :D Sometimes I think of going black, but I do like my blonde for the most part.

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butterflydreams

omg, facial hair can get fucked... -_-

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omg, facial hair can get fucked... -_-

That must be some shit to deal with, indeed...

I myself dream about having some all the time ^^ I mean, I have gender-euphoric dreams all the time, and very often, part of it is that I have some facial hair and it feels great..!

So I would happily take some of yours but I'm affraid it doesnt work that way... :/

I think it's on this discussion that I read about a good trick to hide a shadow of facial hair with make up...

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Yesterday I was thinking about gender, once again, and I had some general thoughts.

When I was 4 I remember realizing that I feel masculine on the inside but I didn't make the connection that that means I'm not a girl. Everyone kept calling me one and I just kind of went with it and, at the time, I didn't really have a problem with it. Still, unconciously, I thought that when people get to know me better, they must at some point realize I'm not a girl, right? Because it was obvious to me, why wouldn't it be to them? But I guess I identified with the label "girl" in a social sense - yeah, I'm a girl... in other people's eyes. I accepted it. So I felt like I had two "genders" (because in Bulgarian we don't have a different word for sex and gender) - an "inner" and an "outer" one. All of this was just feelings that I couldn't put into words and conscious thoughts, though.

When I was 8, like I've said before, I started dressing as a boy and started feeling much, much better and I think that was the catalyst that made me question my gender consciously. That was the first time I asked myself: "Am I a boy or a girl?". Now I see that is proof enough that I am trans*. That sort of question would never even cross a cis person's mind because to them their gender is one, it's whole because the outside matches the inside. They don't even have to question how they feel because it's all in sync. The fact that I asked myself that question and realized that I have "two genders" without even having the language for it feels like a freaking achievement. I'm legitimately proud of myself right now.

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butterflydreams

omg, facial hair can get fucked... -_-

That must be some shit to deal with, indeed...

I myself dream about having some all the time ^^ I mean, I have gender-euphoric dreams all the time, and very often, part of it is that I have some facial hair and it feels great..!

So I would happily take some of yours but I'm affraid it doesnt work that way... :/

I think it's on this discussion that I read about a good trick to hide a shadow of facial hair with make up...

Yeah, I'd trade it away to anyone in a heartbeat. I actually like hearing about people going in the other direction who want facial hair. Somehow knowing that they find joy in it helps me feel a little "less bad" about it.

I cover it up pretty easily at this point. The laser has helped immensely with that. I just had my third laser appointment yesterday, and it's been going really well, so hopefully in a week or so after my face recovers I'll be in even better shape.

It's weird because before I started to transition, I hated it just as much, but I tuned it out and ignored it. Now it just freaks me out. I see it and think, "wow, as a girl, that doesn't look right on you at all."

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omg, facial hair can get fucked... -_-

That must be some shit to deal with, indeed...

I myself dream about having some all the time ^^ I mean, I have gender-euphoric dreams all the time, and very often, part of it is that I have some facial hair and it feels great..!

So I would happily take some of yours but I'm affraid it doesnt work that way... :/

I think it's on this discussion that I read about a good trick to hide a shadow of facial hair with make up...

Yeah, I'd trade it away to anyone in a heartbeat. I actually like hearing about people going in the other direction who want facial hair. Somehow knowing that they find joy in it helps me feel a little "less bad" about it.

I cover it up pretty easily at this point. The laser has helped immensely with that. I just had my third laser appointment yesterday, and it's been going really well, so hopefully in a week or so after my face recovers I'll be in even better shape.

It's weird because before I started to transition, I hated it just as much, but I tuned it out and ignored it. Now it just freaks me out. I see it and think, "wow, as a girl, that doesn't look right on you at all."

Yeah, I relate to that feeling. Before I came to terms with my gender identity, I had all those issues regarding body image but I didn't even really realised it because I was so used to just ignoring it and shutting down my feelings. But ever since I realised that those feelings are part of my gender dysphoria, it's become at the same time much clearer and much weirder. It's like before, those feelings were all messy and mixed up, and made no sense to me, and I couldn't even begin to express what I felt, and it was so scary anyway that I did my best to avoid thinking of it.

But now all of this makes sense, and I finally understand how I feel and why, so it isn't messy or mixed up anymore. And I am now able to cope with those feelings by acknowledging that it is normal for me to feel that way because my body is not right yet, but that it will be some day, and that I won't feel that way for ever.

And so now when I look at myself in the mirror, I am often able to see my true gender by focusing on the aspects of my body that are right. But as a result, when I look at my breasts for example, I don't feel this self-hatred that I used to feel, but it just feels super weird, like it's just not me. It's almost like I can see my true chest hidden underneath but there are those things on it that just feel weird and wrong.

I used to feel angry and desperate and I was hurting whenever I saw or acknowledged my body, but now all this pain has been mostly replaced by this feeling of weird.

I haven't begun to transition medically, but that feeling has grown exponentially with my coming-out, so I imagine that it would be even more present if my dysphorias shrunk.

I guess what I'm saying is, it feels weirder now probably because you accept yourself as your true gender more and more every day :)

(And I'm really happy for you by the way!!)

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Dodecahedron314

Today as I was walking back from work and cursing the weather forecast for lying and saying it was too hot to wear my binder today, I had the thought that perhaps chest dysphoria is the universe's way of getting back at me for not caring about what size my chest was as a teenager like "normal" "girls" are supposed to.

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When I feel like my skin is crawling

When there is an image in my head of a woman looking into the mirror and then putting her hand on it and after a moment the mirror breaks in a spiderweb pattern, with a noise. One crack, two, three. The web expands. She stares into the broken reflection.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Lightning Blue Ray

My chest is an inconvenience. I've been thinking about getting a binder, but if I do manage to get one, I can't let my parents see.

I appreciate that my body is aesthetically pleasing, but I could do without those curves. Slightly wider shoulders would be nice.

My bottom dysphoria is more of "I don't want anything there at all", rather than "a lack downstairs". My body is too feminine, and while I acknowledge that a lot of women and girls would appreciate having my figure, my ideal figure is in between the stereotypical male and female forms. When I mentioned what I would like to change about my body if I could, my friends immediately assumed that I wanted to be a boy. No, I do not want to be a boy. One of them asked if I was a trans guy, and when I said no, she said, "You might be." Okay, I'll admit that I don't know what to think of this yet. I mean, I didn't even get angry at my friends for assuming. Was it because I partially wanted them to make the assumption? Plus, this doesn't get any easier when you bring faith into the mix.

For now, I'll just go with a partial identification as female. Partial because the part that isn't female is what makes me not want to have a body that gets read as female.

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My chest is an inconvenience. I've been thinking about getting a binder, but if I do manage to get one, I can't let my parents see.

I appreciate that my body is aesthetically pleasing, but I could do without those curves. Slightly wider shoulders would be nice.

My bottom dysphoria is more of "I don't want anything there at all", rather than "a lack downstairs". My body is too feminine, and while I acknowledge that a lot of women and girls would appreciate having my figure, my ideal figure is in between the stereotypical male and female forms. When I mentioned what I would like to change about my body if I could, my friends immediately assumed that I wanted to be a boy. No, I do not want to be a boy. One of them asked if I was a trans guy, and when I said no, she said, "You might be." Okay, I'll admit that I don't know what to think of this yet. I mean, I didn't even get angry at my friends for assuming. Was it because I partially wanted them to make the assumption? Plus, this doesn't get any easier when you bring faith into the mix.

For now, I'll just go with a partial identification as female. Partial because the part that isn't female is what makes me not want to have a body that gets read as female.

Thank you for sharing this. I think it is not so uncommon to appreciate something which combines both male and female anatomical forms. Do you want to combine also (stereotypically) male and female gender roles?

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Lightning Blue Ray

I haven't thought much about it, but maybe I do, to a certain extent. I guess sometimes that I'll actively try to combine the stereotypical male and female roles, but usually it's more of me doing whatever I want. I don't try very hard to conform, and there are occasions when I try not to conform. But then, these are gender roles and not gender.

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I haven't thought much about it, but maybe I do, to a certain extent. I guess sometimes that I'll actively try to combine the stereotypical male and female roles, but usually it's more of me doing whatever I want. I don't try very hard to conform, and there are occasions when I try not to conform. But then, these are gender roles and not gender.

Great, I think it is important to do what comes naturally. Yes, I think that gender roles and gender are different concepts but I believe that gender is partly (to some degree) socially constructed.

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I was always not comfortable with the fact that I had a female chest. (I am a female at birth, but I just feel uncomfortable using any word besides chest. So, yeah.)

But I never realized it was a dysphoria until recently. I thought that it would change as I got older, and I would want to be like other girls who actually have chests. Well, I still haven't changed. I've had this thinking since I was a young teen.

It's weird to talk about, since the most I've done to combat my dysphoria is wear sports bras. I've contemplated getting a binder, but I know my mom would be against it.

So, yeah. I don't know why I'm posting here, I just thought about getting it off my "chest".

(did any of that make sense??)

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Dodecahedron314

So I just watched a bunch of early Stargate: SG-1 tonight, and episode 3 in particular made me realize how much certain things in media bother me. Are there any other AFABs out there who get dysphoric at the "generally butch/masculine in some way woman gets forcibly feminized" and "dystopia where women are treated as property and used for trade" tropes, even if they're executed in such a way that it's clear that the writers don't condone it? I've recently realized the extent to which both of those tropes squick me out something fierce--that is, in a way that goes beyond the already incredibly high squick factor induced from the get-go by misogyny in general, because even though I know intellectually that the trope isn't technically "about" me, I somehow feel even worse about it because I know that whatever character or institution would be perpetrating it it in the fiction would subject me to it just the same.These sorts of things are just immediately offensive no matter who you are because of how completely not okay degradation of women is at all in general, but I feel like as an AFAB trans person there's an additional layer of wrongness because not only is the judgement applied in those tropes wrong, but it would, if I were in the situation of the character, be wrongfully applied to me on the basis of something I'm not.

I don't know if this actually makes sense to anyone or if this is just another one of my incoherent 5am rants. I swear this was a lot less problemtically worded in my head.

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