Different Dysphorias

[Kappamaki]

Zen, I think you forgot the part where you type words.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Zen, I think you forgot the part where you type words.

I know, blonde moment, LOL. I had to go back and edit the white space. My bad.

[MentalLiberation]

hi everyone.

I'm going to take some time to read this thread soon. I've had dysphoria, though I didn't realize it. I have spent my entire life trying to hide my body. I always felt uncomfortable.

The part that distresses me most is my chest. I'm very large chested and constantly got comments from boys growing up. I hated it so much and felt self conscious. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't do anything about it in the past, because I was able to use them for their function (baby food!). Breastfeeding was an amazing experience and don't regret it at all. But now that the kids are older, I'm finally going to deal with this. The one good thing about being large is that I'll probably be covered to get a reduction. The thought of getting them small enough to bind if I want makes me feel giddy!

The bottom of my body doesn't bother me much. I basically ignore it. :)

[Light02]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

[Wayfarer]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

I have this as well. For me I think it is because I'm used to 'she' being used to talk about me as person, and just happens to be the female pronoun, while all the rest explicitely refers to being female and being seen as female, and female gender roles.

[Guest]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

I dont like that too, same counts for sweetie,darling,pumpkin,dear,honey and princess it sounds so stupid, I guess that its just the lack of knowledge people have and the fact that they think everyone loves to be referred to as being male or female.

I have no problem with the she pronouns but i prefer they, hir or xe if i had the option myself because there are days where i dont really feel like a female or female-ish.

@ mentalliberation I have had to deal with dysphoria on my large chest for years, I hated my chest and it made me feel super uncomfortable.

I even tried to cover them as much as possible but couldnt avoid the remarks wich made my dysphoria about my chest worser, it felt more like a burden then fun.

In the end after overthinking things for a while i choose for the option of breast reduction surgery in my local hospital (I went to talk about it to my doctor first) and im down two sizes, im so happy i did it because this way i can use a binder if i want to have a smaller chest without any problems if i will ever choose to use a binder and my chest isnt in the way all the time, my surgeon was really nice and helpful and im happy with the results so its definetly worth the try, if you would consider it someday.

One more thing: I dont know how it works in your country but up here it is the surgeon who measures you and decide if you will get the surgery or not, if they agree then they will send your information to your insurance company and you will get a message if it is approved or not.

[MentalLiberation]

Thanks Indescribable! I live in Canada, the land of free healthcare. First I need to see my doc, who is the one who determines if I qualify for a referral to the surgeon. If it's deemed a medical necessity, then it's all covered.

I'm scared to take the step, but not because of undergoing surgery (I've had 2 c-sections, so if I can be cut open when I'm awake, I can do anything!). It's because I'm scared that I'll be approved but to only go down a few sizes. If I only went down 2 sizes, I think I'd still be too big to bind (I'm too embarrassed to write down my size!). But I guess even that much might help my self esteem a little.

Light02, I feel the same way. "She" is fine with me, but woman, honey, princess...uh, no.

[S.Kobold]

Indescribable - have you tried using a binder after a breast reduction? Did you discuss this possibility with your surgeons?

I ask because it's a path I've considered, but haven't been able to find information on the practicalities of it, and I'm not yet confident talking to doctors or surgeons about it.

Thanks!

[S.Kobold]

Indescribable - have you tried using a binder after a breast reduction? Did you discuss this possibility with your surgeons?

I ask because it's a path I've considered, but haven't been able to find information on the practicalities of it, and I'm not yet confident talking to doctors or surgeons about it.

Thanks!

[nerdperson777]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

I don't like how they are labels at constrict us as people. We're not just our bodies. We have personalities and preferences and all that. I hate it when my relatives say that I'm going to find a man to marry. I don't want a partner or kids. Unless partner refers to a cuddle buddy. I still don't like the implications of the word though. I got called miss for two months while tutoring at a school when I had longer hair. That was not a great feeling. Neither was getting misgendered at my cousin's wedding but that's a different story.

[Guest]

Indescribable - have you tried using a binder after a breast reduction? Did you discuss this possibility with your surgeons?

I ask because it's a path I've considered, but haven't been able to find information on the practicalities of it, and I'm not yet confident talking to doctors or surgeons about it.

Thanks!

No i havent because at the time i did the surgery i didnt know that i was genderfluid or knew about binders so i havent discussed that with my surgeon.

I wouldnt reccomend wearing a binder in like two months after surgery because it takes up to 6 weeks to recover from surgery plus your chest will be very painful and swollen everything needs to heal and get into the right shape so they will reccomend you to wear a sportsbra.

I see no problem in wearing a binder after that time but you will have scars as a result of the surgery so you will have to take in account that it will take a while before you can wear something as a binder, thats why im waiting untill its fully healed before considering a binder but thats up to everyone to theyre own to decide whats best for them, i would like to reccomend you to discuss it with your surgeon first before you decide to go for a surgery and see if its something for you or not.

Mentalliberation: wow i admire your courage then! because seeing the way they cut me i dont think i wouldve survived if i would see it happen live, I would rather be asleep because im not that brave.

As for size i have gone down 2 size from european cup size E to D for me 2 sizes was more then enough because a D is really small for my taste. The surgeon will decide wich cupsize will be the best for you and i dont know if you can have a saying in that, also another thing she told me was that the more you lose weight the smaller your cupsize will be after surgery. I lost weight before i had my surgery because i wanted to have good results. and this way i got the cupsize i wanted.

[Heart]

Thanks Indescribable! I live in Canada, the land of free healthcare. First I need to see my doc, who is the one who determines if I qualify for a referral to the surgeon. If it's deemed a medical necessity, then it's all covered.

I'm scared to take the step, but not because of undergoing surgery (I've had 2 c-sections, so if I can be cut open when I'm awake, I can do anything!). It's because I'm scared that I'll be approved but to only go down a few sizes. If I only went down 2 sizes, I think I'd still be too big to bind (I'm too embarrassed to write down my size!). But I guess even that much might help my self esteem a little.

Light02, I feel the same way. "She" is fine with me, but woman, honey, princess...uh, no.

This is definitely something to check with your doctor, but I read somewhere that anything a C cup or higher can cause back pains and problems. So no matter how big you are, I think there are probably arguments to get you down to a B cup, and the good news is that B cups are very bind-able :D

[butterflydreams]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

I hear this. I haven't had many opportunities to think about it, but being someone's boyfriend? Wouldn't you rather have a real boyfriend? :P Plus my dad always said I'd make someone a great wife someday. He was probably joking, and I'll probably never get married, but hey...sounds ok to me!

[SignerJ]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

This is my exact situation, only with "boy," "boyfriend," "future husband," "future father," etc. Or when people make a generalization about boys and say "your kind." It has to be one my biggest sources of dysphoria.

[nerdperson777]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

This is my exact situation, only with "boy," "boyfriend," "future husband," "future father," etc. Or when people make a generalization about boys and say "your kind." It has to be one my biggest sources of dysphoria.

Yeah, once I was getting a ride from school to the airport to go home early after finals, and the person who was in the vehicle with me was on my same flight so I just talked to her for a bit. When we were waiting for our flight, she called her friend and I heard something about scaring away her future husband. Then I thought, well okay, that's awkward. I'll go away now.

I'm not sure if I asked this somewhere on the forum before but what about about when friends joke around and say "I want to have your babies."

[Guest]

Thanks Indescribable! I live in Canada, the land of free healthcare. First I need to see my doc, who is the one who determines if I qualify for a referral to the surgeon. If it's deemed a medical necessity, then it's all covered.

I'm scared to take the step, but not because of undergoing surgery (I've had 2 c-sections, so if I can be cut open when I'm awake, I can do anything!). It's because I'm scared that I'll be approved but to only go down a few sizes. If I only went down 2 sizes, I think I'd still be too big to bind (I'm too embarrassed to write down my size!). But I guess even that much might help my self esteem a little.

Light02, I feel the same way. "She" is fine with me, but woman, honey, princess...uh, no.

This is definitely something to check with your doctor, but I read somewhere that anything a C cup or higher can cause back pains and problems. So no matter how big you are, I think there are probably arguments to get you down to a B cup, and the good news is that B cups are very bind-able :D

About the c cup: Thats not true, I had an E cup and i had to deal with back and shoulder pains all the time and now that i have a D cup i have no back and shoulder problems at all! I can imagine you get pain from cup DD and onwards (thats why i will never understand why there are woman who want to have huge breasts) but i cant from C that just sounds too weird for words :lol:

[Heart]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

This is my exact situation, only with "boy," "boyfriend," "future husband," "future father," etc. Or when people make a generalization about boys and say "your kind." It has to be one my biggest sources of dysphoria.

Yeah, once I was getting a ride from school to the airport to go home early after finals, and the person who was in the vehicle with me was on my same flight so I just talked to her for a bit. When we were waiting for our flight, she called her friend and I heard something about scaring away her future husband. Then I thought, well okay, that's awkward. I'll go away now.

I'm not sure if I asked this somewhere on the forum before but what about about when friends joke around and say "I want to have your babies."

*shudder*

Actually, I take that back. If someone came up to me and told me they wanted to have my babies, I'd get their number. I hear it's not all that easy to find uterus-endowed people willing to be surrogates ^_^

Thanks Indescribable! I live in Canada, the land of free healthcare. First I need to see my doc, who is the one who determines if I qualify for a referral to the surgeon. If it's deemed a medical necessity, then it's all covered.

I'm scared to take the step, but not because of undergoing surgery (I've had 2 c-sections, so if I can be cut open when I'm awake, I can do anything!). It's because I'm scared that I'll be approved but to only go down a few sizes. If I only went down 2 sizes, I think I'd still be too big to bind (I'm too embarrassed to write down my size!). But I guess even that much might help my self esteem a little.

Light02, I feel the same way. "She" is fine with me, but woman, honey, princess...uh, no.

This is definitely something to check with your doctor, but I read somewhere that anything a C cup or higher can cause back pains and problems. So no matter how big you are, I think there are probably arguments to get you down to a B cup, and the good news is that B cups are very bind-able :D

About the c cup: Thats not true, I had an E cup and i had to deal with back and shoulder pains all the time and now that i have a D cup i have no back and shoulder problems at all! I can imagine you get pain from cup DD and onwards (thats why i will never understand why there are woman who want to have huge breasts) but i cant from C that just sounds too weird for words :lol:

I'm sure it depends quite a bit on the person. I mean, it only makes sense to me that each person is going to be different, considering the difference in back shape and strength, exercise routine, etc. Even genetics probably play a role in it.

So, instead of working on my research (shhhhh, don't tell!) I found a bit of info on breast reductions. The WebMD website has a page on it, and they tend to be a well-respected website for these sorts of things (they don't give any specifics though on what size is too big). This website says that as little as a size D can cause problems, though it doesn't directly site the scientific research it's claiming backs it up. So, like the scientist that I am, I went ahead and found a scientific study myself, from The Open Orthopaedics Journal, published in 2012 (so quite recent in the scheme of things) and posted on the US National Library of Medicine, called "Relationship Between Brassiere Cup Size and Shoulder-Neck Pain in Women". The abstract is as follows:

There are very few reports in regard to relationship between breast size and shoulder-neck pain. The purpose of this study is to examine the correlations among breast size, brassiere cup size, and moment-in-time reporting of shoulderneck pain in a group of adult women. Three hundred thirty nine female volunteers from the hospital staff answered the questionnaire. Breast size, brassiere cup size, and shoulder-neck pain were self-reported by each participant. The relationship among breast size, brassiere cup size and shoulder-neck pain was investigated. Spearman’s test showed no significant relationship between shoulder-neck pain and brassiere cup size. However, after participants were classified into two groups (small brassiere cup size and large brassiere cup size with 219 and 120 participants, respectively), there was a significant positive correlation between shoulder-neck pain and large brassiere cup size (p<0.05). There was no significant relationship between shoulder-neck pain and breast size. In conclusion, large brassiere cup size is an important cause of shoulder-neck pain.

So, it looks like, whatever they used as the cut-off for "big" breasts, did in fact show a step-function contribution to pain. As in, there was no bigger contribution for bigger breasts, just a magical size that, if you are under that you're good, if over, then higher chance of pain. I hope that helps!

[MentalLiberation]

Indescribable - have you tried using a binder after a breast reduction? Did you discuss this possibility with your surgeons?

I ask because it's a path I've considered, but haven't been able to find information on the practicalities of it, and I'm not yet confident talking to doctors or surgeons about it.

Thanks!

No i havent because at the time i did the surgery i didnt know that i was genderfluid or knew about binders so i havent discussed that with my surgeon.

I wouldnt reccomend wearing a binder in like two months after surgery because it takes up to 6 weeks to recover from surgery plus your chest will be very painful and swollen everything needs to heal and get into the right shape so they will reccomend you to wear a sportsbra.

I see no problem in wearing a binder after that time but you will have scars as a result of the surgery so you will have to take in account that it will take a while before you can wear something as a binder, thats why im waiting untill its fully healed before considering a binder but thats up to everyone to theyre own to decide whats best for them, i would like to reccomend you to discuss it with your surgeon first before you decide to go for a surgery and see if its something for you or not.

Mentalliberation: wow i admire your courage then! because seeing the way they cut me i dont think i wouldve survived if i would see it happen live, I would rather be asleep because im not that brave.

As for size i have gone down 2 size from european cup size E to D for me 2 sizes was more then enough because a D is really small for my taste. The surgeon will decide wich cupsize will be the best for you and i dont know if you can have a saying in that, also another thing she told me was that the more you lose weight the smaller your cupsize will be after surgery. I lost weight before i had my surgery because i wanted to have good results. and this way i got the cupsize i wanted.

They had a sheet so we couldn't see anything. I don't think I could have watched it either!

I do have some weight to lose, as I've gained since starting my new job. I wear up to 4 sports bras, and it's still not enough during a workout. But I do the best I can. Work is physically demanding too, and sometimes I need to wear 2 bras and the straps become painful. I don't know anyone else who needs to do that.

Heart, thanks for all the information on reductions!

[nerdperson777]

I think there might be a loss in size interpretation since I recall one post saying European size. I haven't looked up the differences between American and European sizes.

And dysphoric moment time. Ew, that's nasty!

I just did my laundry, which included underwear that align with my gender. Apparently the washing machine took out the leftover stuff in the underwear and spread it on one of my shirts. When taking them out of the machine, I already saw a gooey clump resting on my jeans. It looked and felt like chicken fat. Body, stop reminding me of myself! I hope I can stop having these moments after T. *facepalm*

[Heart]

I think there might be a loss in size interpretation since I recall one post saying European size. I haven't looked up the differences between American and European sizes.

And dysphoric moment time. Ew, that's nasty!

I just did my laundry, which included underwear that align with my gender. Apparently the washing machine took out the leftover stuff in the underwear and spread it on one of my shirts. When taking them out of the machine, I already saw a gooey clump resting on my jeans. It looked and felt like chicken fat. Body, stop reminding me of myself! I hope I can stop having these moments after T. *facepalm*

I hadn't thought about the size differences between countries... that could explain some of the discrepancies.

And ewww. I feel like, if that were me, I'd be re-doing that entire load of laundry, with hot water (unless it was blood, then cold water is better).

[nerdperson777]

No it wasn't blood. It was the yellow stuff that gets squishy when solid. Either way, I like my underwear without residue. T plz.

[jack616]

Lol! Oh my

[jack616]

Just on dysphoria in general... I do wish it would buzz off :/

[blackbear]

I had always despised girly things when I was little, even if I liked them and thought they were pretty, because I knew people would think of me as a girl (even though they would have anyway), and I'd always felt uncomfortable with being grouped with the girls. But there was only boy and girl. I did not have a choice between the two. And, as my mother always said, "You're a girl. You're allowed to like girly things." I didn't want to be a boy, I would have felt uncomfortable with them. So I reasoned I must have been a girl. But I'd always wanted something, which I finally figured out when I was 10 was short hair. My mother completely rejected it, and it just hovered in the back of my mind instead.

When I played with dolls, there was an older sister, and a younger brother, and then there was a baby. I hated choosing, and I wished like hell that there was something other than boy and girl. But there wasn't, and after 5 minutes, I would make the baby a girl and push away my mad feelings.

6th grade (11) was when I started to grow breasts. It was the first time I'd looked at my body and felt weird. It was fine when my clothes were off. But when I put on my clothes, and they stuck out under my shirt, or a tank top was low-cut, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I was very upset by shirts where my bra showed through, or my bra strap hung out. I felt even more uncomfortable when my parents looked at my chest and said, "You're growing up!" I knew what puberty was, and what would happen, but then it did and something was off. I was a girl, though, and I shouldn't feel uncomfortable, so I just decided I was modest.

In 7th grade I went through a horrible depression, which had happened the winter before, but I hadn't known about it and so it hadn't hurt as bad. When I came out of this, near the summer, I tried being really girly. Wearing push-up bras, see-through shirts, super short shorts. Doing up my hair in very girly patterns. I just felt worse than I had in my normal, girls' section jeans and hoodies and t-shirts. I thought that the people who wore these things were very pretty, though, and so I was really confused about why I wasn't happy with how I looked.

About 10 months ago it first occurred to me that I could wear boys' clothes. I tried being masculine, and protested my long hair by always wearing it in a bun. This was better. It was even better when, after a chin-length bob that looked even more girly and made me want to cry, my hair was cut in a pixie and restaurant waiters called me 'sir'. This is how I dress now--binding with one sports bra, wearing as many boys' clothes as I can find, and identifying as agender, with they/them pronouns.

Recently I've been having dreams where I have long hair again. In these dreams I'm around 12 or 13 (I'm 14 now) and I'm okay with my long hair, or I look in the mirror, frown, and think, "I need to get that cut again." In the dreams, I'm fine with it. In real life, if I woke up with long hair, I would be horrified. I would probably break down in sobs. I hated my long hair, and I don't understand why I'm having dreams where everything is normal except for my looking feminine. Because I dress in girly clothes in these dreams, too. And in the dreams, I'm not upset. I hate those dreams.

I had a dream a few days ago, the second romantic dream I've ever had and the second one where I fell in love with a girl, and in that dream, I was over at her house for a sleepover. It was a really warm, comfortable house, and I was dressed masculinely. She sent me an e-mail, confessing that she had a crush on me and that she thought I was cute. After that we went outside, because there was a zombie apocalypse going on and we wanted to see what was going on. My hair stayed short, but then I fell and got stabbed. I viewed myself dying from outside my body, and I looked girly.

When I imagine myself as being with a boy, I automatically imagine myself as looking feminine. It's upsetting, but I can't seem to imagine a relationship with a boy where I look the way I do right now. A relationship with a girl is fine, because I can be myself. But with a boy I have long hair and a dress.

I'm completely fine with my body when I'm naked, or at least I look at it and think "Yup, this is mine." But when I have my boy's clothes on and my chest bound, I feel very agender and I feel good about myself. However if my chest were to stick out from under my shirt or my hips were prominent or my hourglass shape defined, I would get very upset. I don't know why I'm okay with my body with my clothes off, but not with my clothes on. The thing is, I don't know if I would want to get rid of my breasts, or get surgeries. Sometimes I feel like I would miss them, but when I was little, I always wondered what it was like to pee standing up. I don't understand! I want to have either a female or male body. I don't want to be in the middle, with no breasts and a vagina. But I don't know if that's what I'm headed towards.

It feels like I'm fighting myself. I feel like some of me knows I'm agender, and is okay with that and is fine with that identity. But there's another part of me that thinks it's not right, and is trying to force me into being a girl again. This is the part that shows up in my dreams and gives me long hair and makes me so calm it's infuriating. I don't understand it but it's so distressing and I want it to stop, but I don't know how. Is this dysphoria? I don't know what I'm feeling but it hurts so bad and I want it to go away.

[Heart]

It does in fact sound like dysphoria. Unfortunately, there is often no easy answer... but there is hope! I'd suggest seeing about getting a binder. It works much better than a sports bra, and at your age your chest may still be growing. So if the sports bra is ever not enough, then do some research into binders.

As for the relationship thing, I can personally vouch for the fact that there do exist straight guys who are specifically attracted to AFABs (ie assigned female at birth, or a "female body") that look masculine. One of my partners is actually like that; he is actually turned off by women who are too feminine for his tastes. He even had another girlfriend once upon a time that presented kind of masculine, but after a while of dating, started falling more and more into the feminine gender role, and the more she did that, the less he found himself attracted to her :P

As someone who's gender fluid, I can also say that some people's attractions are independent of gender and how you present. One of my other partners is attracted to me no matter what I do; sometimes I present more masculinely, sometimes more femininely, and she doesn't even seem to notice the difference, other than to say that I'm always beautiful to her.

As for any other general tips I might have... all I can say is that you'll probably just need to experiment. Try things out, and eventually you'll figure out what kind of presentation "fits" you best. It's all a journey, so have fun with it a bit. If your parents are on board, you can ask their help too.

In any case, welcome to AVEN blackbear!!

[butterflydreams]

As for any other general tips I might have... all I can say is that you'll probably just need to experiment. Try things out, and eventually you'll figure out what kind of presentation "fits" you best. It's all a journey, so have fun with it a bit. If your parents are on board, you can ask their help too.

For better or worse, that's your moneymaker. I'll confess that sometimes we're in better positions in our lives to throw all kinds of stuff at the wall and see what sticks. When I first started my journey, that was a big concern I had. I laid it on the line to my best friend of 12 years and asked if he thought I'd gone completely off the rails. He didn't think so, and I don't think so anymore either, but sometimes...sometimes it's hard to tell. But something will stick. And eventually you won't worry about "going off the rails" because how far off the rails can you be if you're making progress, feeling better/happier, and living your life as the best you? My advice (and to some degree life motto) is to not take yourself too seriously. This stuff can feel overly serious sometimes, but if you've got the serious dial turned over to 11 the whole time, it's gonna wear you out.

So I think I mentioned somewhere in here how seeing women out in the world sometimes gets me really down, because that's not me, and I can't do that yet. Well the other day I was getting coffee at the local coffee place. The woman who owns it has a daughter who used to hang out there in the mornings almost every day. She was only 9 I think. For the past year or two, I've basically never seen her there (too cool to be hanging out with mom?). Anyway, she was there when I stopped in last and I didn't even recognize her. She's probably 11 now, maybe 12. It hit me that she's growing up. It was about that time I started to feel pretty lousy. I missed that. I didn't get to go through adolescence like other kids. Growing up. Being comfortable with relationships. Becoming a young woman/man. Excited about the changes. For me it was a mix of panic about changes going on and a fatalistic attitude that there was no way any of it would ever change. I really really hope it's not too late to have that growing up period :(

[J. van Deijck]

I keep experiencing body dysphoria all the time by now, and currently it's stronger than usual. I can't look at myself and now I feel even worse because

I'm on my period

and it makes me feel more disgusting.

I have developed an atypical (non-purging) bulimia due to my dysphoria. I have been starving myself for the last week in hope to make my periods disappear, but it hasn't helped at all. I feel so awful today.

[Light02]

I keep experiencing body dysphoria all the time by now, and currently it's stronger than usual. I can't look at myself and now I feel even worse because

I'm on my period

and it makes me feel more disgusting.

I have developed an atypical (non-purging) bulimia due to my dysphoria. I have been starving myself for the last week in hope to make my periods disappear, but it hasn't helped at all. I feel so awful today.

My best friend told me that if you take a lot of Vitamin C it might stop your period sooner.

[Heart]

As for any other general tips I might have... all I can say is that you'll probably just need to experiment. Try things out, and eventually you'll figure out what kind of presentation "fits" you best. It's all a journey, so have fun with it a bit. If your parents are on board, you can ask their help too.

For better or worse, that's your moneymaker. I'll confess that sometimes we're in better positions in our lives to throw all kinds of stuff at the wall and see what sticks. When I first started my journey, that was a big concern I had. I laid it on the line to my best friend of 12 years and asked if he thought I'd gone completely off the rails. He didn't think so, and I don't think so anymore either, but sometimes...sometimes it's hard to tell. But something will stick. And eventually you won't worry about "going off the rails" because how far off the rails can you be if you're making progress, feeling better/happier, and living your life as the best you? My advice (and to some degree life motto) is to not take yourself too seriously. This stuff can feel overly serious sometimes, but if you've got the serious dial turned over to 11 the whole time, it's gonna wear you out.

So I think I mentioned somewhere in here how seeing women out in the world sometimes gets me really down, because that's not me, and I can't do that yet. Well the other day I was getting coffee at the local coffee place. The woman who owns it has a daughter who used to hang out there in the mornings almost every day. She was only 9 I think. For the past year or two, I've basically never seen her there (too cool to be hanging out with mom?). Anyway, she was there when I stopped in last and I didn't even recognize her. She's probably 11 now, maybe 12. It hit me that she's growing up. It was about that time I started to feel pretty lousy. I missed that. I didn't get to go through adolescence like other kids. Growing up. Being comfortable with relationships. Becoming a young woman/man. Excited about the changes. For me it was a mix of panic about changes going on and a fatalistic attitude that there was no way any of it would ever change. I really really hope it's not too late to have that growing up period :(

It's never too late. You'll go through your own puberty now anyways, no matter how you like or don't like it. You're already going through the whole awkward stage of trying to figure out what looks good on your body type, and your body type will be changing too, so...for better or worse, welcome to puberty round 2! :P

On another note, for once a dysphoria moment that wasn't painful, just confusing! ;) I went to have a shower last night before going to bed, and I started the water and while it was warming up, I took off my shirt, my pants, my underwear and my socks. Then waited just a little longer for the water to adjust, and hopped in. It wasn't until I had soap on my hands that I felt fabric and was really confused; I'd forgotten that I am typically one of those bodies that has to wear a bra! :P

So my bra is still kinda wet, but last night it was just soaked. Finally, a moment I can just laugh at in retrospect ^_^

[StygianSoul]

I recently realized that while she pronouns don't bother me, people describing me with words like "girl", "woman", "girlfriend", "future wife", "future mother", etc. make me very uncomfortable.

Just this, and basically everything else related to it. I'm not bothered when old friends call me "she", and I'm not bothered by any pronoun a stranger refers to me as (they don't know me, why should I care?), but specific labels are something else entirely. I am ALWAYS thrown for a loop when someone calls me a "girlfriend", or, as in one memorable instance, a "babe".

The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I'm walking up a flight of stairs, and I expect there to be one more step than there is. It's that kind of disorientation.