Different Dysphorias

[MackerelGray]

I'm having a gender crisis and don't know if I'm nonbinary or just kidding myself, and I think it's kicked my breast dysphoria into gear - I'm very hyperaware that I have stuff on my chest that really shouldn't be there, but they're apparently "small" already and nobody gets why I want them to shrink and stop existing.

[Emery.]

It must be all of us having an episode of the SAD I defenitely have it now.

 

Alright. I switched a lamp on.

[:)(:]

12 hours ago, MackerelGray said:

I'm having a gender crisis and don't know if I'm nonbinary or just kidding myself, and I think it's kicked my breast dysphoria into gear - I'm very hyperaware that I have stuff on my chest that really shouldn't be there, but they're apparently "small" already and nobody gets why I want them to shrink and stop existing.

You want to enact a limit upon your chest.

 

Haha math joke( even tho I’m terrible at it)

 

I wish they could disappear too they are so annoying.

[Emery.]

1 hour ago, :)(: said:

You want to enact a limit upon your chest.

 

Haha math joke( even tho I’m terrible at it)

 

I wish they could disappear too they are so annoying.

Why? Math jokes are cool (Said a mathematical science multi-major) They differentiate you from the crowd

[:)(:]

57 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Why? Math jokes are cool (Said a mathematical science multi-major) The differentiate you from the crowd

I’m still smiling (I had to read it twice though)

😂

[Emery.]

Not sure if my boobs grew or I need a new piece of underwear or both

[Mezzo Forte]

16 hours ago, MackerelGray said:

I'm having a gender crisis and don't know if I'm nonbinary or just kidding myself, and I think it's kicked my breast dysphoria into gear - I'm very hyperaware that I have stuff on my chest that really shouldn't be there, but they're apparently "small" already and nobody gets why I want them to shrink and stop existing.

I've been there in regards to chest dysphoria. My chest was never that big, so people didn't understand why I was so dysphoric about it. In my eyes, I basically had gynecomastia, and the excess tissue there just felt so wrong. My chest was small enough for me to get periareolar top surgery though, and that procedure so thoroughly erased that dysphoria that it's now a mere memory. There's no amount of money you could pay me to go back, and seeing the pre-op photos feels unreal, yet makes my skin crawl.

 

No matter the size, they're still bigger than you are comfortable with, and that's reason enough to want to do something about it. I hope you find a way to mitigate the dysphoria.  

[Light02]

6 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I've been there in regards to chest dysphoria. My chest was never that big, so people didn't understand why I was so dysphoric about it. In my eyes, I basically had gynecomastia, and the excess tissue there just felt so wrong. My chest was small enough for me to get periareolar top surgery though, and that procedure so thoroughly erased that dysphoria that it's now a mere memory. There's no amount of money you could pay me to go back, and seeing the pre-op photos feels unreal, yet makes my skin crawl.

 

No matter the size, they're still bigger than you are comfortable with, and that's reason enough to want to do something about it. I hope you find a way to mitigate the dysphoria.  

Recently I was wearing an oversized shirt and a jacket and was venting to a friend about my chest dysphoria and they said that I looked pretty flat in that moment. I thanked them but didn't really feel better about myself. They then asked me how I felt knowing I looked flat and I answered that it doesn't feel flat enough. I still felt uncomfortable and dysphoric and I didn't really believe them.

[:)(:]

6 minutes ago, Light02 said:

Recently I was wearing an oversized shirt and a jacket and was venting to a friend about my chest dysphoria and they said that I looked pretty flat in that moment. I thanked them but didn't really feel better about myself. They then asked me how I felt knowing I looked flat and I answered that it doesn't feel flat enough. I still felt uncomfortable and dysphoric and I didn't really believe them.

With me it is less about the look and more about the feeling? Like I wore more sports bras than I should have ( it got to tight) and wore a vest jacket so I looked flat but that feeling of compression made me feel happier.

[Light02]

1 minute ago, :)(: said:

With me it is less about the look and more about the feeling? Like I wore more sports bras than I should have ( it got to tight) and wore a vest jacket so I looked flat but that feeling of compression made me feel happier.

I absolutely agree! Even if I do ever look semi-flat because I'm wearing something oversized or whatever if I don't feel compression I'm paranoid people can still my chest.

[Light02]

12 hours ago, Emery. said:

It must be all of us having an episode of the SAD I defenitely have it now.

 

Alright. I switched a lamp on.

Interestingly enough, I usually have SAD in the summer and I feel less depressed in the winter. I have not noticed no patterns whatsoever to my gender dysphoria, though, I think it just comes at completely random times.

[Lirpaderp]

My friends are making an idiotic video. I had a few lines to say. They're editing it now, so I'm hearing myself over and over again. I don't recognize it as me, it's too high.

[Mezzo Forte]

37 minutes ago, :)(: said:

With me it is less about the look and more about the feeling? Like I wore more sports bras than I should have ( it got to tight) and wore a vest jacket so I looked flat but that feeling of compression made me feel happier.

I used to go back and forth on this. Sometimes, the compression made me feel secure and flat enough to mitigate dysphoria, but other times, having to wear compression at all made me really dysphoric. That's partially why I was so happy to get top surgery actually: I will never need compression again. 

[Tortuga]

*Sighs* I have the lowest voice of anyone around my age I know. Aand... of course it has to be me who identifies as a girl. Yay. I'm kind of the extremely male side of anyone (again, around my age) I know, in all respects. People are always remarking on how low my voice is, and I hate it when they do that, plus the fact that I have to shower every morning and see all my outward boy-ness. I HATE THAT!!!

 

[Kelpie]

Not sure if it's dysphoria, but I've been growing my hair out a bit (I have an undercut so only the upper hair) because I love man buns. I can make a decent one now, but I feel like everyone will see me as even more female now and I hate myself for liking this "girly" things. I know that it doesn't matter what my fucking hair looks like, but it's not like the rest of the society has caught up on that. 

[Lirpaderp]

My side is inbetween discomfort and pain. I took off my binder but now my side is the same and my chest isn't mine.

[Finn.]

My colleagues want to go on this thing. It's a group activity kind of thing. And it's all about "female empowerment" and I'm here, feeling sick. Everyone there would be a woman. I don't want to go, so far I told them I can't commit for sure. One of my colleagues seems to be annoyed because I'm not participating in a lot of group activities. Like, going to the christmas market together. And I'm here, wanting to go, but most of these things don't work with my sensory issues and/or dysphoria. And I feel bad about it. (I really wanted to go to the christmas market, but I had a meltdown the day before. And I had a migraine when we had the christmas dinner). 

 

But honestly, an all-pink, all-women event? no way

[ChillaKilla]

You know what? Being nonbinary sometimes just sucks a fat one. The people you’re supposed to share a community with are hell bent on invalidating, denying, and othering you out. The vast majority of the world doesn’t even BELIEVE you exist. And misgendering will never stop, it’s just that one incorrect pronoun feels marginally less shitty than the other one.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

@ChillaKilla in my therapist appointment, I started crying because my therapist used they pronouns for me. It’s not like she normally uses she pronouns for me, but it was so nice to just.... not be misgendered?? What a concept. 

 

(I also started crying for like ten other reasons, because I’m a very overwhelmed mess at the moment. But you know  )

 

I mean, the people in my life who regularly use they pronouns for me are:

1. My mom,

2. My twin sister, 

3. My friends, and

4. My therapist.

i don’t know. It feels like I don’t  have very many friends left. And most of them are online or unable to meet in person regularly. 

 

I’ve been automatically calling myself a girl lately, and I’m like “this is fine”, but it bothers me. 

[Zsareph]

On 12/01/2018 at 7:56 PM, Finn. said:

My colleagues want to go on this thing. It's a group activity kind of thing. And it's all about "female empowerment" and I'm here, feeling sick. Everyone there would be a woman. I don't want to go, so far I told them I can't commit for sure. One of my colleagues seems to be annoyed because I'm not participating in a lot of group activities. Like, going to the christmas market together. And I'm here, wanting to go, but most of these things don't work with my sensory issues and/or dysphoria. And I feel bad about it. (I really wanted to go to the christmas market, but I had a meltdown the day before. And I had a migraine when we had the christmas dinner). 

 

But honestly, an all-pink, all-women event? no way

I can't do stuff like that either. I already regret agreeing to regular "cousins weekends" (all female) because they unintentionally make it their mission to constantly talk about womanhood. They always refer to me as "woman" or "girly" and talk about shopping and needing to find a man and having babies (but then they'll go on about how men are stupid and practically a different species from Us Women^TM etc), it's like one of those bad 'chick-flick' comedies. I'm supposed to be on one today but used my assignments as an excuse.

[-----------------]

I also have a chest dysphoria. I wear a sports bra and layer shirst, but it doesn't work that well. Especially when it's hot outside. I don't know why I have it, but I've always been a tomboy. It's not like I want to be a guy or anything, I just want a flat chest.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

I started this new group therapy program, and I forgot to come out to them as genderfluid. Or rather, it didn’t seem that important. And the she pronouns and the “men and women” (not the actual group members, but when people address people like that ) aren’t bothering me yet, but it feels like i’m just waiting.... 

on the other hand, I’m totally out to them about being not straight.  I’ve talked about it like at least five times, haha. You pick your battles, I guess. 

 

(Side note: I’m really starting to doubt therapy. I’ve been in therapy for almost four years, and things still don’t feel that much easier. I’m sure I’ve changed, hopefully for the better, but right now my brain is being.... confusing. And confused.)

[Rosendust]

Currently, I have grown tired of the regular she\her pronouns that people tend to use for me. I prefer they\them. I am also wishing my top dysphoria would just go away, because it just doesn't make me feel good. Plus, I also feel like all my body modifications(Two forward helix piercings) make me look more "girly" than I wish to appear.. and my curves(but that's another story entirely)

[NotGojoSatoru]

There are three incidents that come to my mind when I think of dysphoria. 

 

A little bit of background info, I was raised in a joint family for the first six years of my life and the only kids in the entire house (which had about 12 other people) were just my cousin (who is older by a year) and I. I would pretty much wear clothes like he did. I don't know if it was because of me, or because our parents liked dressing the two of us like brothers, I always dressed as a boy. I didn't really know what it meant to be a female. I was called as his sister, but to me it was just another term to be used. The only time I even wore a female outfit was when I was supposed to wear school uniforms.

 

So fast forward a few years later, my uncle got this dress like thing for my birthday and I cried. I was so upset at wearing it. He said that I was a girl, so i should wear more feminine stuff. That was the first time I realized that I was a female and I didn't like it one bit. Of course, at the time I didn't know what that was supposed to mean, or that it could be changed. But I was very upset. Thankfully my parents were cool people and they were like, just wear it, once we take a pic, you can be out of it. I ended up wearing a shirt, vest and slacks for my birthday. 

 

The second incident was a rather positive thing, at least from my perspective. This, happened when I was either in high school or first year of college. Of course, while I didn't wear clothing that was labelled "For males", I stuck with gender neutral stuff. A few people had come over for the social thing that happens randomly at times. I was in the kitchen with mother, because I was an introvert. Mother was talking with this another lady, her friend. When I entered she commented that Mother had a great kid (I was good at school, never got into any relationship troubles, and was a 'nice kid'), except I should have been born as a boy. I felt great. Mum said that I was just great the way I was (which felt great as well).

 

The last one was a troublesome event that scares me even now at times.

 

Content Warning: Sexual Harassment.

 

So, this happened about two to three years back. I was working professional at the time and I was coming out of my workplace and was going to the closest bus stop. I had left the place quite early (about 3 p.m., there was no project then) and the path from the office to the bus stop was kind of empty. A guy just came up and made a motion to grab at my breasts and laughed and left. I reached home and broke down, which it was pretty bad experience in itself, I felt so upset that I wanted to get a masectomy immediately. 

 

Unlike a lot of other females (and luckier ones in my opinion), I am not flat chested. Most of the time I either forget that it exists, or I try to find ways in which I can just reduce its size without spending a lot of money. So when I was reminded in one of the negative ways that I was female, I desperately wanted something that would make me not female. I told my mother I wanted Masectomy. She, of course thought that I was either joking or just talking because of the bad experience, which I technically was. At the time I wondered if I was trans man.

 

For a while I thought I was trans man, but I felt guilty for feeling it. Like the people who I read about in the news obviously struggled a lot, and what I went through wasn't anything like it. I mean, I had went by 23 years without much trouble, and while being a man might have been great I had this feeling that by thinking of myself as a man, I might be invalidating the struggle that other trans men actually go through.  

 

Then I started wondering what was being a man supposed to mean. Was it just the clothes?  Because there were a lot of women wearing gender neutral clothes, or had shorter hair or men with longer hair or interest in  wearing feminine clothes. And since there are trans people, one couldn't say that just because a person had so and so organ they were male  / female.

 

I wondered for a long time if there was a no gender option.

 

Then I came across AVEN, where I learnt of Agender and thus I finally declared myself as Asexual Aromantic Agender Amazing Avenite!

 

I am still getting that masectomy though. I would be relieved once that happens.

 

I am really glad that my native tongue has only gender neutral pronouns . They have formal, less formal and casual versions of all the pronouns, though, which is interesting.

 

Cheers!

Imperial Emperor 

[Alex the Queer]

i hate periods with a burning passion. i’m so dysphoric that literally even just being referred to as a girl nearly made me cry just now (i’m partially blaming it on the hormones but that doesn’t make it feel any less horrible)

[ChillaKilla]

Spoilering for myself, mostly... if I get a notification for this I don’t want to have to read it over and over 

About a week ago, I had a super weird and extremely unpleasant experience. I was in the bathroom at my dorm, and as I came out of the stall to wash my hands I looked in the mirror and saw... well, someone female. I felt my stomach drop and couldn’t look away. It was horrifying, especially for someone almost a year on HRT and about 3 months away from surgery. I got out of there as fast as possible and sat in my room for a while. In successive visits it hasn’t happened again, but now I’m anxious... I didn’t even look remotely feminine and I even had my face shadow, but I just saw someone who looked like a stone butch lesbian. Just totally threw my whole day off.

[Rhyme]

My friend invited me to a swing dancing lesson, and I was really excited for a moment. Then I realised that whoever is in charge is going to split the room in two, between boys and girls. It made me feel dysphoric to think about them looking at me and telling me to go stand with the girls

[Wayfarer]

On 26/01/2018 at 5:58 PM, Rhyme said:

My friend invited me to a swing dancing lesson, and I was really excited for a moment. Then I realised that whoever is in charge is going to split the room in two, between boys and girls. It made me feel dysphoric to think about them looking at me and telling me to go stand with the girls

No, they won't do that (at least.. they shouldn't). In swing dancing you can choose if you want to lead or follow, and anybody can do either. I mean, sure, it's more common for women to follow and for men to lead, but I lead (AFAB), and I know at least two women who also lead.

I started Lindy Hop (a specific type of swing dancing, also the most common one) in September, and I had been a bit worried about this exact same issue. However, the friend who was pulling me along said that the lead/follow roles weren't as rigidly attached to male/female as in a lot of other dances, and that I could just lead if it made me feel more comfortable. Also, there's always a lack of leads everywhere, so you can always say you'd prefer to learn to lead because then you can dance more. At least, that's what I say to people I'm not out to, and it's a perfectly valid reason on it's own.

 

Oops.. sorry for the tiny rant in response   I was so happy to have found a dance where nothing in the dancing or lessons triggers any dysphoria, that I want to share it with everyone Additionally, it just makes me really happy generally? The music, the atmosphere, everything. If they do it the way they do it here, you won't have fixed partners, and it'll be a kind of everybody dances with everybody type thing, which just works really well for me.

 

If you want to talk dance specifics, just send me a message or whatever, I'd be happy to discuss

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On 1/26/2018 at 9:07 AM, ChillaKilla said:

Spoilering for myself, mostly... if I get a notification for this I don’t want to have to read it over and over 

Yeah, damn mirrors anyway. Instruments of dysphoria-inducing doubt until you find the trick of thinking of them as prisms that separate the colors of you now from the colors of you that once were. I keep seeing this green-eyed blonde in mine at her androgynous best and damn the dysphoria anyway. If I have to live in this dysphoric gender wilderness, let me be nocturnal and not cast any shadows that I can't live with.

[Alex the Queer]

tbh i don’t even know what to make of the way i’m feeling about my chest lately. it’s like it feels like they’re just these random, inconvenient lumps that happened to get stuck onto my body, but aren’t really a part of me or my body at all. and every time i look in the mirror, i see myself as someone who is flat-chested and that someday these things on my chest won’t be there anymore. in general quite a bit of my body has started to sort of feel like it’s not really me but just a part i got stuck with, but much milder than it does with my breasts. i still hate it, but it does make seeing them and dealing with them a bit less unbearable so 🤷‍♂️