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Different Dysphorias

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I Am Mel
4 minutes ago, Tintenfeder said:

So, I'm questioning at the moment, and I was wondering, are there different types of dysphoria? Like, if I'm more uncomfortable with some parts of my body, rather than outright hating them, is this already dysphoria or not? Also, can you have dysphoria on some days and not on others? I've been thinking about being genderfluid, so that could explain why I don't like my breasts on one day but I'm okay with them on another one...

If any of this offends someone, I'm really sorry, that was not my intention. 

From my understanding dysphoria is just when you dont connect to a part of your body and this can cause varying amounts of distress from mild to debilitating. Dysphoria can also be subjected to just about any part of your body so from you hip to your chest to your voice  to your height and it can be either that you feel like you don't have something that should be there (in my case you could say a male hairline) or that you do have something that shouldn't be there (breasts for example).

 

Also yes dysphoria can absolutly came and go and range in severity with someday you may not get any to have it very severely the next to very mild the day after.

 

Please note that just because you don't get dysphoria doesn't make your gender identity any less valid - some trans and defiantly non-binary people who don't get dysphoria.

 

There's also gender euphoria that is the opposite of dysphoria and its when you feel joy with parts of your body or how society may see you - i haven't seen it mentioned much so just thought it out there because this can also act as a feeling of validation towards you gender especially if you're questioning.

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Finn.
6 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

It's like the difference between being a tourist and actually living there.

that's the perfect description!

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Calligraphette_Coe
5 hours ago, Finn. said:

that's the perfect description!

I watched the video, and thought about a lot of things I went through over the years from the perspective of the other side of the coin. Like her doing it to say to the world 'Look at me!', and those of us with dysphoria do because we _don't_ want to be looked at, we want to go stealth and get on with our lives the way we know innately they should have been.

 

I hardly ever go to the trouble of putting on makeup and passing anymore. Color me bitter, I guess, but it just hurts too bad to know that I'm stuck at in the androgynous barely demilitarized zone. And that I'm going to die there.  :( (And how does one make a video that can portray _that_? And who would watch it because it would be such a downer.)

 

isn't it sad how we can describe our feelings perfectly using language, but utterly fail at conveying the emotions because it 's like we're from a different world with no reference points leading back to the one in which we are forced to live?

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Emery.
On 23.10.2017 at 0:57 AM, butterflydreams said:

TMI

 

I find it strange that trans women say they don't have erections, because, like, my T is obviosly nowhere near to original MAAB T, but my junk increases in size immensely from time to time, for a bunch of reasons

 

Dysphoria sucks so hard. I'm supposed to be doing stuff now, but I had an unpleasant dream about some unattractive guy trying to kiss me, and it disturbed me so hard, coupled with just hating to sit quiet about being trans, and I'm trying to shake it off but I can't. I watched a series. I still feel bad. I dressed in guys' clothes. Maybe that will work? I think I look pretty good and even remotely like a guy.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

How do you do the spoiler thing? There’s something I wanted to say, but it’s a bit graphic.

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Finn.

@The-world-is-quiet-here it's the eye icon near the font and size. it opens up like a quotation window

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The-world-is-quiet-here

TW: genitals, gore, blood, top surgery

 

I had a dream that my twin did top surgery to herself. But in the dream, it was pretty bloody and didn’t end well.

 

It’s so strange to think about. I don’t feel dysphoric about the dream I had, but I feel confused.

 

also, thanks @Finn. !

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ChillaKilla

@The-world-is-quiet-here It didn't work, it just formatted as a quote. To do it manually, just type [ spoiler ] (your text) [ /spoiler ] without the spaces between the brackets and the tags.

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Emery.

you open the spoiler with "spoiler" in square brackets and close it with "/spoiler" in square brackets. Square brackets: []

 

Edit. 

Ah. Right. Chilla was first. 

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Finn.

Dressing myself is starting to make fun! And it's not even that I dress more masculine now (which I do a little bit but not that much imo), but I do it with a different confidence I suppose.

 

One thing is coming up though. It's getting cold, and if it's getting as cold as last year I need to buy something to wear under my regular jeans. And I am soo put off by the thought of wearing a pantyhose. I wore the woollen ones as a child but then never again (especially those fine pantyhoses, yuck). Does anyone have experiences with those "long johns"? (that's the translation that I found?).

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Thanks @ChillaKilla and @Emery.! I’ll go edit it. :) 

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Emery.
8 hours ago, Finn. said:

Does anyone have experiences with those "long johns"?

Not really. You could try leggings maybe?

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Finn.

I hate leggings too... but I probably have to make do

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kaysir
11 hours ago, Finn. said:

 Does anyone have experiences with those "long johns"? (that's the translation that I found?).

I live in Texas so our winters aren't terrible, but my dad wears them regularly and loves 'em. My brother had some when he had to walk to and from school and said they made a nice difference. I didn’t have the exact thing, just some pajama pants, and I like it.

 

As long as the pants/clothes you wear over them aren't too tight and you don't mind the chance of them wiggling around or gathering up, you might like them!

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Lirpaderp
22 hours ago, Finn. said:

Dressing myself is starting to make fun! And it's not even that I dress more masculine now (which I do a little bit but not that much imo), but I do it with a different confidence I suppose.

 

One thing is coming up though. It's getting cold, and if it's getting as cold as last year I need to buy something to wear under my regular jeans. And I am soo put off by the thought of wearing a pantyhose. I wore the woollen ones as a child but then never again (especially those fine pantyhoses, yuck). Does anyone have experiences with those "long johns"? (that's the translation that I found?).

I have a pair. I think it's from a company called heat holders? It keeps me warm no matter how long I've been in the snow. They're kind of like leggings, but I find them comfier. I also hate leggings. 100% better than the pantyhose I had to wear when I was younger, and this actually keeps me warm.

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Sibemarie

When i gain weight dysphoria triggers on. Self despise goes up. And it comes from depression. The worst thing is that i dont have a much wanted stability in my life, so affects deeply my health, and last winter my work at the hotel was so hard and stressful to bear (plus dealing with troublemakers, drunk party-goers, away from home, away from friends, not much privacy, homesickness, no prospects for future, hopelessness, etc), so high levels of stress caused me stress related diseases like eczemas and other infections, stomach problems as well, which restrained me from exercise, and also food cravings i had from high stress and anxiety (i never had them when i had a partially stable job), which made me gain weight.

I am mesomorphic, so mostly between lean and average, but i am quite short, so when i gain weight it goes to my breast and hips which make me highly disgusted. It is not much but is enough to make those unwanted "female bumps" to be more noticed. I freaking hate that.

Those are biological features that are in the body so the women can bear children - which i TOTALLY  dont want, i want to make my body as genderless as possible, so i can fit my antinatalist asexual nature. It could be "under control" if i had a more stable life without fluctuations of  (i used to be quite athletic but more to the skinny side, and with less weight so my breast, hips and bum look more flat: exactelly what i want, to de-feminize my body. When i gain like, 4 to 5 kilos, i cant even look at myself, those 2 things hanguing from there, gross and self-hate inducing. I wish i could be leptomorph (naturally skinny people) i gotta say that i feel jealous everytime in the gymn when i see a girl with almost no boobs, flat hips and flat bum...i wish i could be like that, sadly i am not :( 

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Finn.

CW genitals, sex

 

Half awake I suddenly had this thought of "I want to kiss a boy as a boy, maybe even have sex with a boy as a boy" and when I was more awake that made me really sad. I don't know if I would actually want to have sex if I would pass as a guy / if I transitioned medically. I just know I won't ever pass as a guy or transition medically because that wouldn't make me happy. I think. I definitely know I could never do that. I definitely know I don't want a penis. But sex with a guy otherwise... seems so straight to me? I know it's internalized prejudice and all but I can't get rid of it. I KNOW it's not straight. I just need a bisexual boyfriend to make me feel valid =) 

(as if i'd ever date anyone aaaaaah) (and the person I'd want to have sex with has yet to exist)

 

On a different note!

My colleagues want to go swimming or something. I haven't gone out in a bathing suit in 3 years, and the last time(s) was a nightmare. I got a better swimsuit since then. But I don't want to.. show my crotch. I think with an additional pair of swim short I'd be okay. But wouldn't it be totally weird, amongst cis women I'm not out to? I'd be soo covered up.

I don't want to cancel either, it seems important for team building and all. (But it will be sooo stressful)

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butterflydreams

@Finn., I know exactly what you mean. If you're not a woman, then sex with a guy isn't straight. At least, that's how I'd feel about it. People can say what they want, but if your only definition of sex is the relationship of the two genitals involved, that's pretty boring. And I may be wrong, but I can't imagine most straight guys would be willing to be with a trans guy, even if he still had a vagina. Straight women with trans women, same deal. So people who think that only genitals matter are missing something. But you get that. I'd ask why you care what it's called? I ask myself the same thing because I struggle with the same thing.

 

Anyway, I hope you're able to find some way through it, that works for you. *hugs*

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Starbogen

@Finn. Yeah it wouldn't be straight if you did that, no matter the state of your genitals at the time.

Personally I feel like I could never have sex with a guy as long as my bottom parts were still in their original form. I can't even imagine it, the thought just seems so wrong and disturbing for physical dysphoria reasons. And then, a bit deeper and more in the background, there's also that part of me that totally gets what you mean because it would make me feel.. well, like a "woman" even though I know I'm not one and that my genitals don't matter. But it would still make me feel that way and that's a part of why the thought is so wrong. 

It's like I know genitals don't matter but in some way, to me at least, they do. I guess it's just that they're obviously not all that matters, but I can understand why they matter to some people.

 

And about the swimsuit... When I was little we had a field trip to a water park or whatever they're called and one of my teachers wore boys' swimming shorts. She even had the same pair as one of the boys in my class. We thought it was kinda weird but it honestly wasn't that weird and I at least thought that was super cool and was jealous of her. But maybe that was just me because I wasn't cis... Anyway, I think it would be fine.

No one should be expected to reveal so much of their body just because, or be criticized if they want to be more covered up than the average person.

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Emery.
6 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

but I can't imagine most straight guys would be willing to be with a trans guy, even if he still had a vagina

True. Even if he doesn't inject T into his body *waves hand*

it just doesn't work. Most men are straight, as simple as that. I honestly have more luck with other orientations. Gay, lesbian, bi. Even straight women. Some men are straight in a way that they just like vagina, and I think those are the ones that I happen to date. One fell for me when we hit each other during a rugby match, so yeah... it must be the boobs. Sweat and dirt aren't the definition of feminine beauty. Well, I don't fall for people who behave the way I do, and I suppose I'm not unique. There is something that inherently doesn't work about it. Two competitive people are going to compete against each other, and fight each other, not love. Such behaviour just makes me want to compete more with this person. Similarily, task-oriented, rational people are going to work well together, as collegues. But not love each other. With more romantic types, love is more natural. 

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Calligraphette_Coe

Almost makes me wish there was such as thing as FPGA ( Field Programmable GentialiA), after the logic chips used in so many systems based on State Machines.

 

I think more so than slot/peg thinking, that cismale sexuality is based on sight. And maybe on saving face. Because if they can't see you, you can get a lot of cis guys into Marco Polo mode. And they'll love you for it. Straight of gay, either way. You just have to know how to talk to them and know the limitaions.

 

Lest you believe that there are _always_ limitations... yes, there are, but you can tickle the right fancy sometimes. And there are so many limitations and misfires when straight men and women get together, so don't believe for a miniute that being cis means never having to deal with rejections.

 

All in all, I think one misses out on SO much in 'knowing' other people in ONLY the Biblical sense. Some people are quite lovely in any incarnation and you can do a lot worse than spending some quality time with them without 'getting your ashes hauled.'

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Finn.

I ordered swim shorts that match my swimsuit and hope it fits! They're *for women* and not too long so it's not that much more textile, but it still covers the important bits. Even if we don't end up going together, it might still make me more confident to finally go swimming again, on my own. I used to like swimming, but not the circumstances around it. My grandfather had this pond, I loved going there. Then my boobs didn't stop groing and bikinis were a nightmare and I stopped going there with friends. Public swimming pools were out of the question.

 

I don't know where it's coming from! Same with dating. I was sort of in a qpp with a friend for a hot minute, and it made me dysphoric. She's bi and I'm out to her, all great. But it was like her femaleness rubbed onto me and I hated it. Like usually when we go out I somewhat do feel like the *gentleman* in the scenario and I like that. But suddenly it had this female quality to it. Maybe it was because I intrinsically assume we might appear like a *lesbian couple*? And it would be quite the same with a guy, appearing straight? So it might be social dysphoria. I don't know. A lot of people think I'm dating this friend anyway, but that doesn't have the same effect on me somehow.

And with sex... It's strange because before I was out as trans to myself I was never so close-minded to say that genitals determine the *straightness* or whatever of the situation. Realizing I am trans actually made me think more... binary and constricted. Maybe it's all just from the perspective of other people and the fear of being seen as the wrong gender, secretly. That my (very hypothetical) sex partner would consider me female after all. The sex scenario definitely brings out the genital dysphoria too. I usually don't have much of that, at least at myself. More so when it comes to others, people I'm not out to, then it makes me dysphoric (re swimming with colleagues).

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Finn.

I got the swimsuit shorts and it is sooo much better like this. Now it sort of looks like a swimsuit from the fifties actually =)

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Emery.

Oh noes. I'm having a gender meltdown again. And I can't do a thing about it. 

 

I am a guy. I can't even let that out.

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Emery.

Another trans woman on the TV. Can my dysphoria get any worse if envy is being poured into it like oil into fire?

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Iced Milk Boy

I experience dysphoria daily. Whenever I catch a glance of myself in the mirror, I feel wrong and I feel that the person in that mirror is an imposter of sorts. It's especially worse if I'm put in typical female clothes (dresses, skirts, regular bras, etc) and whenever I see myself bare. I feel like garbage and I get a buzzing in the back of my head and a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

 

so yeah, that's what my dysphoria feels like.

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