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Different Dysphorias


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I have really bad dysphoria... I don't want to be male, nor female (agender/genderless) - and that always sets me off - in my mind I am totally genderless, and just a floating splatter of colours... I look in a mirror, mirror is like: "Haha - nope."

...

It got SO BAD, I stopped looking at mirrors, at windows (possible reflection!), I covered up pictures of myself - EVERYWHERE POSSIBLE!

Then,

I stopped talking to people (society is cruel), I stopped leaving the house, I eventually started binding... Extremely... I probably dislocated a disk in my spine - I DON'T RECOMMEND!

 

Definition of extreme binding (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED):

I couldn't get ahold of bought binders, nor did i have the money to; I used what I had, which was a thin-ish scarf... It was a MASIVE relief - even though I couldn't properly breath... Which being a hyper-crazy person is a BIG downside.



 

I went on a champing trip with this makeshift binder - 2 WEEKS LONG - I didn't take it off for more then 30mins, only when I showered... I was in agony, its like being cut with a knife! - IM NOT JOKING!

 

On a different occasion - I almost fainted - my binder, being a scarf, moved... I couldn't breath, I though my brains were going to explode (pretty sure my blood pressure skyrocketed), and I thought I, "Oh my god, I'm going to die from body dysphoria AND THEY ARE GOING TO USE MY HELL-A GENDERED NAME! - AND THE WRONG PRONOUN!"

-Yeah, I didn't care about dying, I cared about having my grave stone engraved with the reason of my death...

Still kept it on for 3-4 more hours after I fixed it - I even shoved a pen between the scarf and my back when it started stabbing me again... That was a long day - that almost made me end up in hospital - that didn't happen, which is good because I still didn't come-out as agender/genderless to my family then... That would have been one awkward conversation while at the hospital...

 

Conclusion: dysphoria and desperation increase your pain tolerance to dangerous levels - PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT I DID! 

 

I'm in a much better place then I was then - it actually wasn't even that long ago - I think I may have top-surgery as it's something I've been struggling for YEARS. I can't relate to any gender, I don't care about my body really; however, the stereotypes put upon my body are too much for me sometimes... That leads me to do extreme, even sometimes dangerous things (Eh, sounds therapy, but I hope you get what I'm talking about)...

 

I recently started to realise a lot of my experiences with dysphoria, are very much related to my fear of being sexualised and romanticised - I'm not comfortable with taking up the titles of 'asexual' and 'aromantic' - yet - but I probably will one day... Just not today...

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That was one of those rare days when I was immensely ashamed of my chest for no reason. Or... yep, the thought that it makes me look like a girl. Jesus Christ! Wy do I feel so bad lately when someone calls me a girl? Notices that I am a girl? What the heck should I do? Like... I won't pass ever. I think? At the same time, hormones don't appeal to me too much. "The girl". Ugh. Why do I need to be identified this way by others? I don't identify with my sex, period. :( 

 

The day is so rainy too. 

 

I hope I can make friends with the people and tell them how it makes me feel. Hm.

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Alex the Queer

ugh i just got hit with a massive wave of chest dysphoria out of nowhere like a frigging train....

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Hi, I'd like to say first that I've struggled with OCD for a very long time, and it has manifested in many different ways. I think it is why I am struggling so much with gender right now, because there are no signs that I am transgender (I've never had the desire to be a boy, had body dysphoria, etc.) I just fear that I am transgender, that I feel like a boy on the inside, that I want my voice to be low, etc. It makes me feel very anxious, and it's difficult for me to function when this is on my mind so much. 

 

I'm 21 now, but when I was 16, I thought that I may have liked a girl, which made me think that I could be gay. Then, it spun off into fearing I was transgender, which has bothered me since then. Right now, I'm imagining myself transforming into a boy that does not remotely look like/feel like who I am, which has caused me severe stress and anxiety. 

 

I have a therapist who I talk to about this, and she says to look at the evidence which helps: I have always liked boys, I have never experimented with my body, and when I'm not worrying about this, I feel like myself, which is a girl. We've also talked about how this issue completely has to do with my OCD: I say to myself often, "If I do this, I'll become a guy," "If I DON'T do this, I'll become a guy," which freaks me out.

 

I've just been struggling a lot with this issue currently and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks :)

 

 

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Maybe a little TMI:

I let my roommate see my chest today. It really put the degree of top dysphoria I experience in context. It's much worse than I thought. I thought that being able to stand the sight of myself when not wearing a binder meant that it wasn't as severe as I thought. Turns out that just because I couldn't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. I can't stand not wearing a bra or compression garment because I'm hyper-aware of the way the fabric folds across my chest. Saying something like "I have boobs" makes me want to retch. I'm not a modest person by any stretch of the imagination, so people often get surprised by my seemingly irrational reservations about baring my upper body. I'd rather let someone see my bare ass before the bullshit upstairs. I need this GONE.

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butterflydreams

@ChillaKilla, I hear ya. 

 

I’ve been having some pretty bad days dysphoria-wise, and I don’t know why. All focused on the lower area. The one area I can’t do anything about. I keep wondering about orchiectomy. I know it would help a lot, but the permanence factor scares me. And the fact that even the minor surgery I had on my back recently turned into a nightmare. I feel like I need total acceptance from my parents before I can proceed with something so serious.

 

So many other trans people are gung ho on surgeries. I would be too, but I have zero support. How could I possibly recover from anything? *tears*

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very tmi, even though I'll probably never do anything about it. When I think about that possibility of me being trans realistically, it scares me, and I like to just keep it as a fantasy. An obsessive fantasy.

Spoiler

I've been thinking that maybe getting bottom surgery in the future may not actually be that bad. Then I thought about how I wouldn't even be able to ejaculate whatever already comes out of my vagina, because I'm assuming you need a uterus to make whatever that stuff is, and even if I am a girl, I've always wanted my uterus removed.

wow my doubt is taking over my mind again. I hate writing this, because part of me is saying i'm trans, and part of me is trying to stay a girl because the thought of it scares me a lot. I'll still likely never do anything because my parents wouldn't believe me. I'm having a hard time too saying I'm either one gender or the other, and saying I'm bigender or androgyne or something feels weird. Like I'm faking something, or in denial about either being cis or trans or something.

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Spoiler

Aaaaand it comes full circle again with dysphoria making me so angry I'm tearing up. All I want it a dick. Why couldn't I have been born AMAB instead??

 

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 10/8/2017 at 4:35 PM, ChillaKilla said:

Maybe a little TMI:

I often wonder how much our seperate clans of transness have in common? I feel a lot of the same things, only turned upside down. I just will NOT let people see my uncovered body. It feels like 'Why? There's nothing here to see, move along.'  Or, "I won't show you my MRIs of the lesion in my brain, either. It hurts too bad to look at them knowing how much it cost and how sick I was getting rid of it."

 

Sound kinda weird, but having experienced scotoma, I can almost do a psychological version of it when I'm in the shower. Like I'm a hologram with control over my physical apperance. And since no one can see what I see through my mind's eye, whom are they to disagree.

 

Of course you always have to come back to 3D space, and you get that feeling of being disfigured. For the longest times I always kept my head covered so people wouldn't be grossed out by the scars. And that's only about a tenth as bad as dysphoria feels. And being an HSP (highly sensitive person) does compound that problem. But that same gift gives you a psychological airbrush to allow you to transcend mere meatspace.

 

It's not the map. It's not the territory. It's having a place to which to one can have and live in, if not forever, for the fleeing moments of the persistence of self-idealized vision.

 

They say we live inside our heads? Maybe there is a whole universe in there that is simply fabu. And if you can but imagine it, you can _be_ it.

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Ok I'm experiencing bottom dysphoria (well unless you classify uterus dysphoria as bottom dysphoria) for the first time it my life and it's sticking me in a dysphoria catch-22 because if I don't pack it feel like I'm missing something, but if I do pack it looks wrong having a bulge in my crotch.

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My social dysphoria is getting worse and it utterly infuriates and depresses me knowing that everyone goes around thinking I'm female or makes assumptions about my gender because of the way I look - I'm literally on the verge of wearing a sign that just says "I'm not a bloody fucking girl" and being done with it because it would be better then getting a near panic attack every time someone refers to me in a feminine way.

When it comes to physical dysphoria mine comes and goes like a fucking ping-pong ball with the subject matter constantly cycling between either my chest or my hair (which I am currently unable to cut due to personally reasons) or both. Also sometimes i get something really weird and out of nowhere - for instance I literally could/would not speak yesterday cause I hated the sound of my own voice so much even though i have been told its particularly deep for an afab.

 

Generally though my chest bothers me more when its covered up - bare its like i can look at them and i just don't see them as mine - they're just lumps of fat and connective tissue that happen to be plastered to my chest and one day they're will belong to someone else. 

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999papercranes
37 minutes ago, I Am Mel said:

Generally though my chest bothers me more when its covered up - bare its like i can look at them and i just don't see them as mine - they're just lumps of fat and connective tissue that happen to be plastered to my chest and one day they're will belong to someone else. 

This is exactly how I feel! I get so dysphoric when I can see them under a shirt, but when they're just bare they just seem alien, like lumps of clay that I want to smooth out. 

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My body dysphoria is like all i can think about now. i hate it i wish i never started questioning this stuff. I'm still constantly going."is it a phase? is it a fetish? is it just low self esteem?"

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@Danny99 - I agree it is an absolutely horrible feeling - i was in so much doubt when i discovered my sexuality it just seemed to unrealistic and more something i wanted to make myself more interesting  - i hope you find a way to help yourself valid how you feel even when you're not feeling it - for me i found trying to focus on how i felt in the present rather than thinking about how i felt in the past helped - you cant help how you feel but it is always valid in the moment. 

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I started getting social dysphoria (or at least noticing it) since I put my pronouns on my door tag. I feel like it will get worse the more I get validation...

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I just found out earlier today that I forgot a week and my calc and music theory midterms aren't next week. It was such a sigh of relief that I confidently went into my physics midterm.... And then took off my coat to notice goddamn boobs again!!!!

 

I need a binder....

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Today I was looking very androgynous. But as I am, I wasn't aware of how I was dressed (or who I am) and when I saw my reflection in an elevator I was like "wow this person doesn't even look like a girl". Very bizarre, very dissociative =) But it was kind of funny to be honest. I reaffirmed myself that there was no reason for me to look like a girl, as I am me, who is not a girl. (Do I even make sense at all?)

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I'm not 100% sure if this counts as dysphoria, but sometimes I'll look at my chest and think about how pretty it is, but how it's not mine. Like, I would like it so much more if it was someone else's, and I don't really feel connected to it. 

 

Also, side note, TMI, talk about AFAB bottom dysphoria: does anyone know of any good words for an AFAB person's lower genitals? I absolutely hate the word "pussy", which seems to be a common term for it. I guess I'm fine with "clit" or "vagina", it's just... I don't really feel like there's a word I like that's connected to that part of my body. If that makes sense.

 

also, @Finn. I think you make sense. That happens to me sometimes too, if I'm dissociating or not feeling cis or my numbers are low, or all of the above. *hugs* I can't think of a specific example right now, but I'm pretty sure that's happened to me too. 

 

Side note: does anyone know what happened with Heart? Are they okay? I've been offline for a bit, so I'm not really in the loop.

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Just feeling like garbage about my figure lately. Jeans make my hips stand out like a neon sign. Screw estrogen poisoning.

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1 minute ago, ChillaKilla said:

Just feeling like garbage about my figure lately. Jeans make my hips stand out like a neon sign. Screw estrogen poisoning.

Yeah hips really fucking suck.. I just bundle myself in the biggest hoodie I can find when my hips are bothering me. And I wear shorts when I can, they're the best at hiding hips for some reason.

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On 10/20/2017 at 1:12 AM, ChillaKilla said:

Just feeling like garbage about my figure lately. Jeans make my hips stand out like a neon sign. Screw estrogen poisoning.

I find men's hoodies help hid just about everything including hips which is why i end up wearing ones all the time.

 

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5 hours ago, I Am Mel said:

I find men's hoodies help hid just about everything including hips which is why i end up wearing ones all the time.

 

Transfeminine people wear hoodies to hide shoulders and lack of hips

Transmasculine people wear hoodies to hide curves and hips

 

Basically a hoodie phase is a universal trans experience :P

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butterflydreams
2 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

Transfeminine people wear hoodies to hide shoulders and lack of hips

Transmasculine people wear hoodies to hide curves and hips

 

Basically a hoodie phase is a universal trans experience :P

Lol. I hate hoodies. Almost never wear them. Except for one my brother got me. I wear it when I’m home and cold. 

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2 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Lol. I hate hoodies. Almost never wear them. Except for one my brother got me. I wear it when I’m home and cold. 

You’re the original gender nonconformist :P 

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butterflydreams

TMI

Spoiler

I HATE erections. At this point, I no longer really get random ones, or wake up with them...thank freaking god. But I still can get them, and I hate them with a passion. 

 

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I know they don't mean any harm from it, as they don't know I'm not a girl... But I was called a girl/lady soooo many times today and every time I felt like I was going to vomit. Which doesn't work well during a singing group. But I'm not out so there's nothing I can do except hold back lunch and hope nobody notices my discomfort 

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I'm a huge fan of Hannah Hart. Now she uploaded a video in which she *transforms into a man*, i.e. beard and stuff. Now I see the *before and after* pictures on all my social media and I'm so annoyed, and kind of angry. Like. I can't switch from one to the other like that, especially in such a casual *fun* manner... I know it's not that serious and all. But I'm bitter and I won't watch that video ever.

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Does anyone have any tips at all whatsoever on how to ignore/forget about dysphoria when its partially strong???


Music doesn't help, exercise doesn't help unless it's a proper work out and i really don't have the time to just go workout whenever it comes on strong. The only thing i do have a method for dealing with is when i feel dysphoric about my voice - I'm not out so social dysphoria runs rampage and cant bind my chest,  i physically can't wear a jumper when its sweltering hot, there's nothing i can do about my height nor can hid any of my waist/hip area properly. Plus it's just getting worse :/

 

 

On 28/10/2017 at 7:41 AM, Finn. said:

I'm a huge fan of Hannah Hart. Now she uploaded a video in which she *transforms into a man*, i.e. beard and stuff. Now I see the *before and after* pictures on all my social media and I'm so annoyed, and kind of angry. Like. I can't switch from one to the other like that, especially in such a casual *fun* manner... I know it's not that serious and all. But I'm bitter and I won't watch that video ever.

Glad to find im not the only one who get insanely jealous and frustrated about this :/ - it's just so utterly infuriating and on the acknowledgment that this sounds childish - it's unfair.

 

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 10/28/2017 at 2:41 AM, Finn. said:

I'm a huge fan of Hannah Hart. Now she uploaded a video in which she *transforms into a man*, i.e. beard and stuff. Now I see the *before and after* pictures on all my social media and I'm so annoyed, and kind of angry. Like. I can't switch from one to the other like that, especially in such a casual *fun* manner... I know it's not that serious and all. But I'm bitter and I won't watch that video ever.

I know. It's like it's easy to take off the makeup-- it's impossible to remove the emotional scars. It's like the difference between being a tourist and actually living there.

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So, I'm questioning at the moment, and I was wondering, are there different types of dysphoria? Like, if I'm more uncomfortable with some parts of my body, rather than outright hating them, is this already dysphoria or not? Also, can you have dysphoria on some days and not on others? I've been thinking about being genderfluid, so that could explain why I don't like my breasts on one day but I'm okay with them on another one...

If any of this offends someone, I'm really sorry, that was not my intention. 

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