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Different Dysphorias


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This is quite sad. I don't like any genital part I have right now. Not the top, not any bit of the bottom.  But I'd rather just forget about it.

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NSFW/TMI:

Spoiler

Genital dysphoria is terrible and it makes me so angry. sometimes I cry over it. I was ranting to myself in my head this morning,"Why the f*** couldn't I have just been born with a dick?!" yes, I'm childish. It usually only happens when I'm aroused by something and then it goes away. 

 

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Alex the Queer

ok, so this is kinda gonna be more of an open question sorta thing for other members, but here goes. so, i've noticed lately that, for whatever reason, i tend to get a lot more dysphoric when i'm struggling with my depression/in a depressive phase. the depression is unrelated to my gender/dysphoria, and whenever i am depressed and dealing with bad mental health, my dysphoria gets worse. on a scale of 1-10, when i am actually depressed my dysphoria is at like an 8-10. when i'm not depressed, it's anywhere from a 1 to maybe a 3 or 4, depending on a day. is it weird that this happens?? does anyone else experience this or something similar?? does anyone here know anything about things like this, and maybe have an explanation to offer up, if there is one??

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I look like I girl and can't do anything about it :(

 

I went to car washing in men's clothes completely and binding. How can I help you madam? Luckily, they didn't treat me girly at least. Maybe if I cut my hair off? I like my hair... I was think of getting the so called lesbian haircut, but without a rainbow colour.

 

And binding hurts.

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I mostly get body dysphoria but experience social dysphoria.

 

Before I knew I was trans, I described my gender as "tomboy" at every opportunity I could, I considered myself as one of the boys (but not a boy), and had mostly male friends.

 

Before I hit puberty, I thought that puberty wouldn't occur, and when it did, I kept trying to hide it with clothes that are too big for me, and when I got my first period, I literally fainted. Every time I think that it might not happen, but it does (sometimes, I skip my periods half the time :D). I'm not sure the fact I hate pads/tampons are due to dysphoria or sensory issues or both. There just stress me out.

 

I refuse to wear a bra because it reminds my boobs are there (one month until I can get a binder :D). It feels like I could just pull them off me like lego or dough (same with my hips). When I look down I'm sortof surprised that it's there (I know they're there but I'm subconsciously not expecting them to be). On particularly bad days it feels like I have two balloons stapled to my chest.

 

I feel weird knowing that I have a uterus (and the fact I'm capable of the uterus's main function makes me so dysphoric I refuse to type out the word), like I know this thing shouldn't be in me and I want it out.

 

tw genital mention

 

My dysphoria around my genitals is usually mild to non-existent. However it often feels weird and wrong that my clit isn't bigger (not penis big, but bigger than it is), my labia annoys me

 

My ideal body would be one with no (or as few) sex characteristics as possible, or ambiguous characteristics if eliminating them entirely isn't an option.

 

I can usually cope with misgendering, but I really hate the "formal" gendered words (Lady, etc) because it feels weird and gross. My dysphoria around pronouns etc is mostly just numbness, but it does feel good when people use the correct pronouns. I don't have a problem with my name, but will probably end up changing it to avoid misgendering.

 

I've probably mentioned a few things that aren't strictly speaking dysphoria but...

 

I wish you could take T and not get facial hair. :(

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@F1shCake extensive genital mentions below:

 

Have you considered applying DHT and pumping for bottom growth? Since it's only done in the short term and the effects are relatively quick, you could stop it before any significant facial hair begins to form. Additionally, using a pump can cause definitive growth over time provided you follow a regular regimen. There are certain models designed specifically for the clitoris. 

 

Personally, I'm eyeing getting a simple metoidioplasty to augment the effects T has had on my bottom growth. It involves releasing the (grown) clitoris from the labia minora in order to create the appearance of a small phallus. It doesn't involve urethral reconstruction or vaginoplasty, so if you pursued this option you would have as close to "both sets" as is humanly possible. Fun fact: after a metoidioplasty, patients can often achieve some degree of "erection" because the clitoral tissue (which is erectile) is intact. I also think some surgeons do labia reductions with their metoidioplasty so that might be something to keep in mind. 

There is also the nullification route- vaginectomy and clitorectomy but your urethra is kept. You essentially have no genitalia, but retain the ability to urinate and defecate. You'd have to do research on some of the potential complications though, as I haven't looked them up having never considered it (if i were ace, maybe, but I am as sexual as they come and want to use what I've got). I know that if the urethra has to be lengthened past its current position in the vulva because it would be closed off during the vaginectony, then there's a risk of a fistula (hole) and that would be no fun. But again, I'm not terribly familiar with what all a nullification fully entails so you'd have to do the majority of the research.
 

 

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I'm really worried that I've either stopped growing or are about to without another growth spurt and it's :(

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On 8/27/2017 at 6:01 PM, Lirpaderp said:

How do you make this go away without coming out? I'd like to come out, but I don't know when the right time is. I also don't know what I am, which makes it so much harder

Only you can know the right time and way for you to come out, or whether it's even appropriate at all. I'm out to my wife, my Coven (I'm Wiccan), and several people I know on social media, but not to family or work. I hope to be completely out someday because I find the hiding to be ruthlessly draining. Coming out didn't take away the dysphoria, but not having to hide, at least with those who know, have eased the anxiety I have because I know there are certain people with whom I don't have to put on an act. Again, it's up to you to decide whether there's anybody you are willing to come out to, but you could choose whoever you think is most likely to be accepting and come out to that person, to see whether being out with somebody helps you in any way, and go from there.

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Genitalia mentioning

Spoiler

I obviously have genitalia dysphoria there is no other way around it. Sure i can touch it, but i seeing it just makes me sad it looks so wrong. I can´t shower without having it somewhat tucked between my legs. Then it looks more in the right direction.

 

And i have said this before but i HATE my body hair!!

 

I am sorry but i am not good at all at describing it.

 

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Sometimes I'd feel dysphoric, but I feel like I had the worst yet today. So much so, I had to try not to cry or just break down and not move.

 

Spoiler for TMI? Genitalia related

 

I used to rarely get periods because of having higher than average levels of androgens. It's so rare, I often forget I even have periods, but when it does happen, it makes me feel dysphoric. One of the "treatments" is having a healthier lifestyle and ever since I've been doing just that (for several reasons that doesn't include this), it's been regulating. This scares me... I don't want it to be regulated and I'm not used to that. I'd rather have them rarely or better yet, none at all. I feel like I'm being punished for trying to be healthier. I feel so uncomfortable, physically and mentally. I don't want to keep feeling this way... I want it to just stop or just slow down.

 

Didn't help how today my mom got on my case about how I'd look better without my binder on. She says she doesn't want people to make fun of me and that it looks bad (being flat). I really hate it whenever my family members bring it up because it's always something negative that upsets me. I told her that I'd feel really uncomfortable without it, and she actually went and said that I wouldn't. <_< 

 

But then again, what would you expect from transphobic family members?

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I had weird gender dysphoria recently, which is fairly rare. I'm gendergluid. My gender sometimes gets confusing/weird when I'm switching between so many.

 

This last week I finally switched back to feeling like a woman, after a while of being agender/3rd/4th gender. (Afab) then, however, I realized that although I was enjoying dressing feminine, there was a twist. My gender wasn't female- it was male that enjoys dressing up as female. In other words, transvestite.

 

So although I was fine in feminine clothes, I also wanted to pack downstairs, and felt extremely odd not having a penis. I felt like it should be there, as if it had always been there, but it wasn't. I ended up packing for the first time outside of the house (just a pair of socks), and although a little awkward, also felt natural.

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butterflydreams
On 9/13/2017 at 3:17 AM, Kimmie. said:

Genitalia mentioning

  Hide contents

I obviously have genitalia dysphoria there is no other way around it. Sure i can touch it, but i seeing it just makes me sad it looks so wrong. I can´t shower without having it somewhat tucked between my legs. Then it looks more in the right direction.

 

And i have said this before but i HATE my body hair!!

 

I am sorry but i am not good at all at describing it.

 

*hugs* This can all get better. The body hair especially. But it does take time and patience.

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I hate the society I live in. Like. As soon as I show even the tiniest bit of traditional femininity everybody is positively reinforcing it, complimenting me on it. It starts with my family and ends with the kids at work. On two days out of 9 months I wore a *feminine* blouse with a cardigan and with a necklace and small earrings. Every single girl was like "you look so pretty!". Or for example today, a kid put a pink crown on my head and everybody was like "you look so beautiful / cute!". And like, yeah I did, but wtf. One colleague even took a picture of me. Two girls already asked me why I never wear dresses or skirts.

This is why I am never going to wear more makeup, jewelry or dresses/skirts at work in the future. On the rare occasion that I want to I decide not to. I really want to keep my androgynous image there. This outside-gendering nonsense is enough as it is. It's so frustrating.

 

But bless the kid who called my flannel a shirt (Hemd) and not a blouse (Bluse) two weeks ago. In German it's two completely different terms, as in gendered as masculine or feminine.

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more rants. NSFW for genital dysphoria, because it's pretty much the only dysphoria I have. I have a bit of social dysphoria, but I'm so used to being a girl it's weird to say that. No one has to answer any of the many questions I put there, I'm just venting how I think to myself.

 

Angry ranting > angrily asking myself questions about why I'm so weird > suddenly calming down > "wtf was I thinking? I'm not trans, no, I can't be. I'm a girl."

 

Spoiler

I can't take it. I can't fucking take it anymore. I don't want surgery. I want real parts. Surgery terrifies me anyway. Why is that VR concept I'm obsessed with so close yet so far away? I could just press a button or a something and boom, different parts with no surgery or pain. All I want is a dick. I want it so desperately. I don't know if I even care about being a girl. Every time my clitoris fires up, it's just tingling there. It feels fucking wrong. Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal? why isn't this a normal thing girls go through? Why is every girl fine with her parts, when female anatomy disgusts me so much? Why won't anyone understand that when I say I don't like my anatomy, I mean it feels wrong? Like it shouldn't be there? Why can't I like being a girl anymore? Why can't I just feel normal anymore?? It's so painful when it happens. I hate it. I hate it so much, and I just want it to stop.. I don't want to feel like this.. I don't want to tell anyone I feel like this, because they won't believe me or think its weird... girls don't feel like this. I shouldn't feel like this. I just want to be normal. I want to either be fine with being a girl, or restart my life and be a guy. or am I being selfish when my main reason for thinking I'm trans is sexual? like, it's just sex, it doesn't matter. I'd feel selfish/bad for being a gay guy anyway, I know what it's like to 'love' someone you can't be with. In the alternate universe where I was born a boy, I would have to come out to my parents as gay and I would be just as terrified. Unless they would've figured it out by then.

 

ASDFGHGFDSASDFGHJ I JUST--- WHY?? WHY CAN'T IT JUST STOP SO I CAN FEEL NORMAL AND NOT DWELL ON THIS EVERYDAY?? It's driving me insane. I shouldn't feel like. I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.... It's OCD, or I'm gullible, or being childish or something. I can't be trans. I'm not supposed to be. I don't want to be. I want to feel normal. It'll probably go away at some point, I mean I've only been feeling like this for a year or two. * cue stressed, sad, angry laughter*

 

*a few hours later*

 

"ew, wtf was I thinking? I know I'm not fond of my parts, but god no. Having male parts would feel weird. I'm a girl, girls aren't supposed to want those things."

 

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@(D)anny Hang in there. The questioning and self doubt really sucks but I think eventually things will either fall into place or your perspective and/or priorities will change and this won't seen like such an impossible problem anymore. 

I wish there was something I could say that could help you figure things out now though.

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I keep having this internal image of myself as flat chested? it's annoying. And then when I actually put on a binder, like this morning, it just amplifies the rest of my dysphoria. It's like passing as male/androgynous suddenly seems achievable, so everything else standing in the way bugs me more. Things I don't take an issue with when I'm not binding. My dysphoria about my voice has gotten way better, except then. And my hips, which I usually like, or my face start to become *too feminine*. Most of my thoughts start focusing on my ability to pass. Which isn't even my goal normally.

It all goes away when I change out of my binder. Idk. It just proves that top surgery wouldn't be the best fit for me, it might even make matters worse for me.

And ultimately, I don't think I want to transition *to male* or whatever, taking hormones and all. But other times... that's already how I think of myself as? it's just really confusing. 

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I get really bad dysphoria sometimes, but when it comes is really odd. I can do things like ballet and violin, but if someone I haven't met calls me female I get very dysphoric. Sometimes I'll feel really good about myself only to come crashing down a bit later, particularly if I'm passing. I don't get dysphoria from looking at pictures of guys I don't know, but if I know them, I do.

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I hate these goddamn boobs. I need a binder. But I can't get one. I don't know how to use it and ordering one will be a problem. My roommates know nothing, I'm afraid to tell them. I just wish I'd wake up one day and they'd be gone.

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Calligraphette_Coe

I should know better by now than to get suckered into buying those books by Ph.Ds on gender. This was on parenting and I drove 100 miles to a big metropolitian bookstore to find it. It started off as being empathetic to people with dysphoria, and then morphed into the typical 'dysphoria is understandable, but it is almost always a mental illness planted in a pot of delusion-- it almost never ends well.'

 

And then I think if I were to ever be on this guy's couch for the therapeutic hour and told him about my episodes of self-harm over trying to get that awful episode of sexual assault to stop haunting me, he'd be all 'A-HA! Now we're getting somewhere.'

 

He said he was in clinical practice for 30 years and he's pretty much seen it all?

 

I've been a Kinsey Six transsexual for at least that long. And I have, too. I was most suicidal when I was trying, as he puts it, to find a ' different way to be a man.'

 

He also said that if you put an adult XY in a dress, 'he' looks like an adult man in a dress. Yet, all the time, I get misgendered. And I never wear a dress. The last time I showed a cis-female a picture of me 20 years ago passing as a woman, she was fascinated and even a litle horrified and said "You definitely don't look like a man in that picture, that's for sure!"

 

Oh well..... back to the Dysphoria Mines....

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3 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

I should know better by now than to get suckered into buying those books by Ph.Ds on gender. This was on parenting and I drove 100 miles to a big metropolitian bookstore to find it. It started off as being empathetic to people with dysphoria, and then morphed into the typical 'dysphoria is understandable, but it is almost always a mental illness planted in a pot of delusion-- it almost never ends well.'

 

And then I think if I were to ever be on this guy's couch for the therapeutic hour and told him about my episodes of self-harm over trying to get that awful episode of sexual assault to stop haunting me, he'd be all 'A-HA! Now we're getting somewhere.'

 

He said he was in clinical practice for 30 years and he's pretty much seen it all?

 

I've been a Kinsey Six transsexual for at least that long. And I have, too. I was most suicidal when I was trying, as he puts it, to find a ' different way to be a man.'

 

He also said that if you put an adult XY in a dress, 'he' looks like an adult man in a dress. Yet, all the time, I get misgendered. And I never wear a dress. The last time I showed a cis-female a picture of me 20 years ago passing as a woman, she was fascinated and even a litle horrified and said "You definitely don't look like a man in that picture, that's for sure!"

 

Oh well..... back to the Dysphoria Mines....

*hugs* :( seeing that book said something like that irritates me.

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Calligraphette_Coe
1 hour ago, (D)anny said:

*hugs* :( seeing that book said something like that irritates me.

I guess I just internalize it a bit too much, but the author just doesn't quite get it right from my perspective of a lifetime of experiences. 

 

And the funny thing was? Right after I wrote that post, I had to go to Wal-Mart to get groceries. So there I am, with  not a single piece of female clothing on and I'm not carrying a purse? I just have one of those berets with what looks like a small visor in the front to cover my long shoulder-lenght blonde hair.  I'm wearing a tight pastel-colored t-shirt which doesn't do my small bit of gynecomastia much of a favor, and as I'm walking through the women's section to get to the grocery section, I get 'ma'am'd' by one of the clerks. As usual, without thinking about it, I automagically do an upshift with the pitch of my voice and go into sing-song mode and respond, "Hello, how are you?"   ::::smiles:::::

 

So how am i, as the author was saying, being a mythical creature spawned by the Internet? That it's all fake? Apparently, seeing isn't believing. Or is it?

 

Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book about first impressions that people have when first seeing something or someone called "Blink". He said humans 'thin slice' experience and the brain is wicked good at getting it right most of the time. It's only when people stop to think or examine it closely that they begin to be deceived, often by themselves and their biases.

 

Because there is no time to weigh and compute bias in quick slice mode-- the same one that kept our ancestors from being McDonald's Happy Meals for saber tooth tigers.

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I forget that people are okay with sex because they like what they have down there. For the longest time I thought girls hated their parts but just put up with it because that's what they where born with. it's just weird to me to think that girls actually like sex, and I just think ,"With that thing on you? Why??"

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Calligraphette_Coe
23 hours ago, (D)anny said:

I forget that people are okay with sex because they like what they have down there. For the longest time I thought girls hated their parts but just put up with it because that's what they where born with. it's just weird to me to think that girls actually like sex, and I just think ,"With that thing on you? Why??"

I think they're all repulsive, so in my mind it follows that what people do with them _to_ each other is somewhat repulsive. But see? There's the key, the difference. To most people sex is something you do _to_ not something you do _with_ the other _person_, not some biological part of them.

 

There are other ways that don't involving contact of body parts to bring pleasure to another person. See, that's what so many people who write about dysphoria don't get. That it's often NOT about sexuality or body parts, it's the body parts damning you to a role you can't articulate or participate within. But since you have to navigate in a world that _does_ see things that way (and only that way), it's a 'when in Rome, do what the Romans do' devils' bargain.

 

Give me a good story about love and sacrifice that makes me  cry and I'll paradoxically be happy. I'll choose one of those over a million sexual encounters in every life I can see on the backs of my eyelids when I sleep. 

 

Free me from this biological dysphoric prison, with its gatekeepers and their scientific errors which don't apply to moi'. Who don't have the eyes to see what I have seen.

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I get really frustrated when I'm looking for clothes in the men's section and they don't have jeans or other pants in my waist size with shorter length. I'm 5'3" and I'm don't think I'm going to get any taller because I started transitioning well after growth spurts and such would have happened. It bothers me so bad that I'm short.

 

I also have body dysphoria problems when showering. I can't look down at my chest and even when I get out of the shower I get really bad anxiety if I see it in the mirror. I just feel so wrong until I'm dressed again. I can't wait til I get surgery to fix this.

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  • 2 weeks later...
LuckofTheChuck

I have all 3 types of dysphoria. At this moment body dysphoria is the worst for me, my mom keeps on buying me dresses and skirts that show my hips. 

 

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I ordered a winter coat online, it should be arriving soon. I hope it's a good fit (and quality). It's less snug, so I hope it looks more androgynous. And I ordered a new hat too, my old ones weren't warm enough. And these were sold as unisex so that made me happy.

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