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Different Dysphorias


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No problem. It's normal to spend time figuring this out; not everyone is lucky enough to "just know" right away. Take all the time you need and let us know if we can help in any way :cake:

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I don't usually dissociate and I don't know if what I've felt about myself before can be called bottom dysphoria, but I just had the worst wave of something so negative but empty. I don't want to think about what's between my legs. It's like it's not mine, but it is. I don't understand why, but I'm so frustrated and kind of shocked right now.

 

I think stress from other things keeps stacking and I start finding faults with myself. That has happened plenty of times, but it's never ended with me feeling so, I don't know, opposed to acknowledging or accepting my genitals of all things. This is not a good feeling.

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<No longer active>

i'm only ever dysphoric about my genitals when it's that time of the month, where i am usually blessed with six days worth (WHY), but my chest, i feel it all the time. Around a year and a half ago, I used to wear dresses ALL the time, but looking back, it made me anxious to have my chest so prominent. I used to translate that as excitement, i think.

 

Reading through the earliest posts on this topic, I noticed that people were mentioning transformation a lot, and a fascination with transformation. This struck a chord with me, as I remember vividly wishing over my birthday cake, every year from aroudn age four until thirteen, that I could become a fairy. A tiny, androgynous creature that could use magic and fly was the image I wished for myself. I didn't want to be part of society, even though I am an extremely social person.

 

I remember when I was around six, at primary school. I'd wet myself (i was six) and they didn't have any spare skirts. I'd been dressed exclusively in skirts for school by my mum, despite my begging, and when I wore trousers for the first time, I remember looking down at myself, and being so happy. It's a hazy memory, about the fifth or sixth concrete memory that I have.

 

And when I went to secondary school, I did not wear skirt uniform for more than two years.

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Most days, I bind my chest before leaving the house, because looking down and seeing my breasts makes me very self-conscious and uncomfortable. I often experience dysphoria if I'm required to wear a dress/skirt for a formal event, and I have a lot of bottom dysphoria, especially during that time of the month. It's getting to the point that I can't even handle being called be feminine pronouns. I definitely understand that mistakes happen, but when I've corrected someone twice and they continue to do it, it just feels like they're saying "you're a girl, and no one will ever see you as anything else." And that's just not what I am. 

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I hate having bad dysphoria and not knowing where to turn to get help. :( And this is what's left over of the period dysphoria from a few days ago. I just feel like it's never ending. 

 

On 3/10/2017 at 3:20 PM, CaptainKay said:

it just feels like they're saying "you're a girl, and no one will ever see you as anything else." And that's just not what I am. 

This. I feel like no matter where I turn besides here I'll get this crap response. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

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Chieftain-Drake

Physically, I don't think I've ever felt dysphoria that made me particularly uncomfortable with my female body. But I get really frustrated sometimes, when people make it sound like I'm exclusively female or that a certain thing (such as having a sort of spa-night) is only for women. I'm comfortable having breasts and other things, but sometimes I wish there was more of what's not there and less of what is there.

 

 When I was really little and played House with my friends (and even today when we do zany roleplay-type things), I always played a male role and loved it so much. There was something about imagining myself a tad bit more physically masculine that was just so... I don't even have a word for it. It just made me happy. I think I also may've entertained the idea of transformation. In fact, I know I have. And it was always just a silly little fantasy to me, but I can't think of a time in my life where I thought if I were the other sex I would feel any worse.

 

In conclusion, sometimes I feel like I'll be equally comfortable in either body and sometimes I feel like I'll never be completely comfortable at all. It's kinda a glass half-empty or glass half-full situation.

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I have start realize that i am probably not a man. The word just feels wrong. And put everything else i have already told here and it scares me. I mean what am i? more then a human.

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ChillaKilla

Nothing like a good, incessant "ma'am"-ing from a retail employee to take the wind out of your sails -_-

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2 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

Nothing like a good, incessant "ma'am"-ing from a retail employee to take the wind out of your sails -_-

SAME.. and being "lady"-ed all the time is soo annoying. WHY AM I JUDGED BY WHAT SEXUAL ORGANS I HAVE :(  

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ChillaKilla
1 minute ago, Toothlesss said:

SAME.. and being "lady"-ed all the time is soo annoying. WHY AM I JUDGED BY WHAT SEXUAL ORGANS I HAVE :(  

Because The Cis™

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butterflydreams
1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

Because The Cis™

"Because this paper here from 8 years ago says _____ and despite all current evidence to the contrary, the old one is correct...sir." 

:angry:

 

I came up with a perfect metaphor for dysphoria on my way to work this morning...or at least my experience with it.

 

So we're all born as boats, and like boats, we're all different. There are fast boats, powerful boats, useful boats, elegant boats. But all boats share some basic properties. They have some kind of hull, and they float in water. If they're missing those two things, it's probably not a boat, and I can't help you.

 

A trans boat experiencing dysphoria is a boat that leaks. Some boats try to fix this by applying patches (coping mechanisms) to the leaks (dysphoria). Sometimes this holds. For other boats, that's not enough. They start to run bilge pumps to pump the water out. But this takes a lot of power and is exhausting. Maybe that holds for a while, but life isn't always calm seas. Maybe one day things get rough and the bilge pumps can't keep up. Other boats don't have such leaks, so they weather the seas fine. But that trans boat...it just can't keep up. The water is rushing it, the bilge pumps are overwhelmed. This is when bad things can happen.

 

For me, I saw this happening and I realized I couldn't fix it at sea. I brought the boat into port. Pulled it into shore and had it brought into a proper boat shop. In the shop, they discovered that actually, I had a wooden hull, and I was trying to patch it with metal patches. And a wooden hull needs a different kind of bilge pump. So they fitted my boat with a new bilge pump, and properly repaired the leaks in the hull. All of these repairs are retrofitted. I'll never been as perfect as a wooden-hulled boat straight from the factory, but I can weather storms now. That's the difference.

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nerdperson777
7 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

So we're all born as boats, and like boats, we're all different.

What I'm about to say has nothing to do with gender but usually I start thinking about how my mom is a helicopter mom.  Then there's the phrase "we're in the same boat".  I told mom to get off my boat.  I'd probably just kick her out.  She can't swim, and now apparently I can't either, after going into the water last summer.  But with the analogy you made, it's my parents trying to fit my boat with the wrong stuff and not caring.  I'll get to that port soon and then get sold to another sailor so I can leave that dock forever.

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And my boat makes an impression of being made of something else than it's really made of, because it has a shape of a boat made of that other thing, and it's afloat, and nobody believes something like that can happen at all. And when I tell them how it's really like, they tell me I must be loco.

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Scintillatriste

I've been getting dysphoria lately. I thought it had gotten better, but now that I'm becoming more self-confident with being agender, it's coming back. It was probably always there, but I was just more in denial. The dysphoria stems mostly from my breasts. I have a very small frame with disproportionately large breasts and I hate it. Even binding doesn't make me flat, it just makes me look like a girl with squished boobs. I can't afford top surgery and even if I could, I don't think I have the courage to do it. I've hoped for years now that I would get breast cancer so I could have an excuse and the insurance to just cut them off. Thinking about having these awful things attached to my body just makes me upset and withdrawn. Why can't I have smaller breasts, so I could at least bind? They puff out all my shirts and make me look ungainly and extra wide. No T-shirts look good on me. Even button ups look bad. I never wanted breasts, even as a kid. They have caused me so much grief and there's no escape.

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@Scintillatriste I feel you =( The only thing I can say is that my dysphoria increased so much when I became more aware of my gender but it has gotten better again since then. So maybe yours will get better too when you focus less on it over time.

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@Scintillatriste, I feel you too. I have small breasts, but binding doesn't give me anything, because I have a very feminine body shape overall, and binding only makes it seem like something is missing (a girl with squished boobs), not like I'm boyish or more androgynous. It has made expressing my gender much more difficult. But there is a way out, I can assure you.

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Dodecahedron314

Last time I interacted with my mom, over winter break, I came out right at the end of it and she had finally started making an effort with my name and pronouns (not very successfully, but at least she was trying). Now I'm staying with her again for spring break, and other than making a point of correcting herself once when introducing me to her new...friend? Boyfriend?...she's gone right back to my old name and pronouns, and her new...person???...says "your daughter" to her every time he refers to me and she hasn't done anything to correct him. This was about a week after we got into the argument I quoted some of in the "Annoying things cis people say" thread. So much for all that. -_-

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butterflydreams

*hugs* @Dodecahedron314. I hope you're able to minimize your mom's presence in your life for a while if it causes so much distress. I know how that is. It's tough, but if that's what you need to do for your own well being, there's nothing wrong with it.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I sent my date some cute selfies, and she reblogged them with the tag "very cute girl whom I love". It was super sweet, but suddenly I felt weird about being called a girl again. Maybe it's one of those things that isn't there if you don't think too much, or it comes back if you do overthink it? I hadn't felt dysphoric in... 2? months, and I'm a little bummed out that I feel dysphoric about this.

 

and like I posted in the "Annoying things cis people say" thread, it's bothering me that my dad apologized for not using my pronouns. I guess it bothers me that he's never used the ones I prefer/the ones that feel (more) like me. 

 

Other than those two things, I haven't felt dysphoric lately. But two things in one day.... gah. It felt like these just came out of the blue. :mellow:

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I tried pasting the pictures but they didn't show up. Argh.

Edited by The-world-is-quiet-here
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Dodecahedron314
On 3/20/2017 at 7:28 PM, Hadley167 said:

*hugs* @Dodecahedron314. I hope you're able to minimize your mom's presence in your life for a while if it causes so much distress. I know how that is. It's tough, but if that's what you need to do for your own well being, there's nothing wrong with it.

I usually am fairly good at avoiding her, considering we now live on different continents (which wasn't even my idea, surprisingly enough :P ), but I've had to interact with her more frequently due to the process of planning to stay with her for spring break, and now that I'm actually here there's really no way of getting around it, considering I have exactly zero knowledge of the area with which to wander around on my own. At least I'm only here until early Friday...

 

She's actually generally a quite decent and reasonable person in most things, but this is one thing in which she just very much doesn't get it.

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butterflydreams

Hmm, I guess at least there's an end date, @Dodecahedron314. I hope that if she is indeed decent and reasonable, she will eventually get it. I mean, that's a better start than being unreasonable and close-minded, right?

 

I'm going to call the following dysphoria because what else could it be? It's dragging me down and putting tears in my eyes. Again. And before I get accused of breaking the TOS, I promise this isn't as sex-negative or elitist as it might seem. It's mostly self-hatred and frustration.

 

I hate sex. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate that it's so important to people. I hate that I'm not physically configured correctly for it. I hate that 9.99 times out of 10 I'm going to be dismissed as a potential partner by guys who are otherwise extremely compatible if I were cis. I don't even blame them. I blame myself. Even if someone did want me, that 0.01, I'd still feel like a piece of shit for asking them to be locked into a relationship where PIV sex with me isn't possible. I want to be able to be just a regular partner sooo badly, but I can't. I can't and I hate that I can't. I'm painfully realistic. I totally understand when a guy is hesitant about being with someone like me. But for as hard as it is for him, at least he can reject me and go off to find any number of nice, anatomically correct cis girls. What am I supposed to do? :(:( 

 

 

I shouldn't have even written this. I'm crying now.

 

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<No longer active>
11 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

I shouldn't have even written this. I'm crying now.

 

*hugs* hey not everyone wants sex, that's why AVEN exists, right? And even those who do want sex should be more understanding... don't worry, Hadley. You'll find someone and it'll be amazing.

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Scintillatriste

@Hadley167 What you're going through sounds extremely painful. I am really sorry this has to be part of your life. 

 

Spoiler: Lots of detailed talk of intercourse ahead.

Spoiler

As an asexual person, it seems to me like there's an obsession with PIV as being like the Holy Grail of intimacy, but there are SO many other ways if intercourse is something you want in a relationship with a cis man. Even cis het people I know, men and women, just LOVE anal penetration. And of course there's all kinds of oral sex and mutual masturbation. If sex is something you want in a relationship, there are plenty of ways to make it work, no matter what anatomy you've got to work with. Before my allo partner realized they were genderqueer, there was a time I thought that they were a trans woman, so I researched ways of having sex that made trans women feel less dysphoria, and boy there are LOTS of tips online! There was one resource in particular everyone cited as being the definitive guide, called "Fucking Trans Women." 

 

I think that, with cis het allo guys, they may be nervous about what is unknown territory to them, but if you can highlight all the intercourse techniques above, I think they'll be able to see that their needs can still be met, and that it's not as different as they might think. Love is love, and erogenous zones can be stimulated in a myriad of ways. If you really do hit it off with someone, they should be receptive and open-minded to learning some new ways of love-making that still meets everybody's needs. What might start as their trepidation at the unknown could turn into exciting exploration of new territory with a partner they love for her brain and her body.

 

And, on top of the above for cis het guys, I bet that trans guys or bisexuals would be even more receptive and comfortable right from the get-go. It might seem like the entire world of dating is closed off to you, but there are absolutely options. They just may take a little bit longer to find.

 

And, if sex is not something you feel comfortable with, there are still allosexuals who are absolutely willing to be in relationships with asexual people. My partner is allosexual, but after I came out as asexual (which wasn't surprising considering how infrequently we made love anyway due to my aversion), they still love me just as much, and our relationship is better than ever. They told me that they have a "very high sex drive," but even so, they've said that they don't need sex in the relationship; they just want me to feel comfortable. There are other allo/ace relationships that make it work, and I think there's a forum on here dedicated to it, or at least lots of topics. And, in such a relationship, genitalia is totally irrelevant! Yay! 

 

By all of this, in no way do I intend to trivialize the very real struggles you are forced to go through in this society that other people are free of. But, even so, please don't give up hope. There are totally options. There are more open-minded people than you may think out there, and ultimately for a lot of people, I think that "hitting it off" is so much more important than the mechanics of intercourse. Just maybe spend a little time encouraging any potential partners that, even if this is new territory for them, there is lots of beautiful and fulfilling territory that you can both explore together. 

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I have so much dysphoria about my voice sometimes. I mean, I know it's also a mental illness thing. But often enough it's definitely about dysphoria. We're singing a lot at the kindergarten and I just can't sing with a low voice but I soo don't want to sing highpitched, my voice is high enough as it is. And with all my dissociation and dysphoria I just always end up singing horribly out of tune and then I get really self-conscious on top of it all. I hate it.

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Mychemicalqpr

My 6 year old cousin for some reason really likes the word lady, and I got it twice in one conversation. 

 

 

 

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My reaction to my social dysphoria makes me a hypocrite with double standards... For real- it does.  In one situation- the stables etc, it doesn't matter much because I'm concentrating on horses etc, but in a retail setting (two totally different worlds tbh)...Forget it. 

 

But still- Why do these "terms of endearment" have to be soo damn sexist?? 

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nerdperson777
On 3/20/2017 at 4:31 PM, Dodecahedron314 said:

Last time I interacted with my mom, over winter break, I came out right at the end of it and she had finally started making an effort with my name and pronouns (not very successfully, but at least she was trying). Now I'm staying with her again for spring break, and other than making a point of correcting herself once when introducing me to her new...friend? Boyfriend?...she's gone right back to my old name and pronouns, and her new...person???...says "your daughter" to her every time he refers to me and she hasn't done anything to correct him. This was about a week after we got into the argument I quoted some of in the "Annoying things cis people say" thread. So much for all that. -_-

None of the family members that I'm out to ever call me the correct pronouns.  I went out for dinner with my cousin tonight and she kept referring to me as she.  Some year ago she said that it's hard to say anything but female pronouns, but no one's even trying.  My dad will never try.  Mom is just of changing and she wants a daughter.  Whenever I've actually said anything about not being a girl or she or her or whatever, it's all ignored.  I'm sure when my dad mentions me to other people, he will say his daughter.  My mom has it all probably in the back of her mind and not changing.

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