Different Dysphorias

[nerdperson777]

@Evren Would getting a massage from someone help?  I know that I've always had tense shoulders so that they were always up.  My school has free massages on the Sunday of finals week so I gave it a try once.  I felt my shoulders lifted a bit after having some work done on them.  I know that massages are expensive, so maybe ask a friend to at least give you a rub?

[Evren]

39 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

@Evren Would getting a massage from someone help?  I know that I've always had tense shoulders so that they were always up.  My school has free massages on the Sunday of finals week so I gave it a try once.  I felt my shoulders lifted a bit after having some work done on them.  I know that massages are expensive, so maybe ask a friend to at least give you a rub?

Massages definitely help but I don't have anyone to give me one. My mother is willing, but she tries to massage people like your made of rocks, it's not helpful. And I don't really have any friends. I've been thinking about getting a short one at the place near my house, but i'm short on cash lately.

I need to just come out, I know I said it wouldn't solve anything, but it would for me, it would just make everybody else's lives more annoying.

[nerdperson777]

4 minutes ago, Evren said:

Massages definitely help but I don't have anyone to give me one. My mother is willing, but she tries to massage people like your made of rocks, it's not helpful. And I don't really have any friends. I've been thinking about getting a short one at the place near my house, but i'm short on cash lately.

I need to just come out, I know I said it wouldn't solve anything, but it would for me, it would just make everybody else's lives more annoying.

The thought that it makes everyone else's lives more annoying is a guilt thing, I learned.  If we focus just on making others happy, when do we get to even be ourselves?  At least have a group that will gender you correctly and use the right name.  My cousin said that she calls me she because she's used to it and has been calling me that for over 20 years.  Someday I'm going to have to say, call me he/they.  Soon, it may only be my relatives that still call me she.  I've just graduated college and I'm applying to jobs as my chosen name.  I have not come out to my extended family beyond a cousin and an aunt.  But living as yourself may be what will make everything better.  I had a horrible birthday a few weeks ago celebrating with my family someone who I wasn't.  I've learned my lesson and need to spend my time with people who respect my identity.

[Mychemicalqpr]

@Evren if you feel like you want to come out, come out, and don't feel bad just for being who you are.   

[Evren]

3 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

The thought that it makes everyone else's lives more annoying is a guilt thing, I learned.  If we focus just on making others happy, when do we get to even be ourselves?  At least have a group that will gender you correctly and use the right name.  My cousin said that she calls me she because she's used to it and has been calling me that for over 20 years.  Someday I'm going to have to say, call me he/they.  Soon, it may only be my relatives that still call me she.  I've just graduated college and I'm applying to jobs as my chosen name.  I have not come out to my extended family beyond a cousin and an aunt.  But living as yourself may be what will make everything better.  I had a horrible birthday a few weeks ago celebrating with my family someone who I wasn't.  I've learned my lesson and need to spend my time with people who respect my identity.

 

2 minutes ago, twilightstarr said:

@Evren if you feel like you want to come out, come out, and don't feel bad just for being who you are.   

I understand that it's a guilt thing, I've been working through it but I haven't managed to completely get rid of it yet. I was trying to work my way up to it before Christmas but my mom lost her job and I didn't want to give her any more stress. I don't understand myself why I don't come out, I want to come out, I've done as much as I can without coming out, and I just don't do it. I guess it's my mom most of all, she would still love me and everything, but I am afraid that she wouldn't use my pronouns or respect me and I would lose the last person who I can trust and talk to IRL. Although she has done things lately that make me think she would be more okay with it than I think. I just don't know how to make myself do it, there's no right time, and yet I keep waiting for it. 

[Mychemicalqpr]

So we were decorating the tree, and since we were little my brother and I have had these rocking horse ornaments, a pink girl one and a blue boy one.  It's vaguely annoyed me for a while actually, but of course I had no idea why and tried to shrug it off.  I once tried to convince my brother to trade, but for some reason he didn't feel as bothered by the genderedness of it.  This is my first Christmas since identifying as agender.  So I asked if I could not hang that one anymore.  Mom seemed sad and reminded me that my grandma gave it to me and all.  She said she wasn't mad, but she seemed annoyed.  I don't know.  It's always so hard to tell with her.

 

Anyone else ever experienced ornament dysphoria?

[Toothlesss]

1 hour ago, twilightstarr said:

 

Anyone else ever experienced ornament dysphoria?

Not really- I have the same type of ornament, but I've never seen it as a gendered thing.  Mine, I almost think of those carousel horses that have so many different intricate designs- that gendering them feels wrong too. 

[Guest]

I feel dysphoria because I think my bones are too big and masculine, and I'm really skinny which emphasizes them...

My hips stick out in completely the wrong shape and position, my rib cage sticks out too much, my shoulders look to big, my hands are big, my feet are big...

I don't think I'm capable of gaining much weight...

[nerdperson777]

Not really sure how to describe this one.  When I had longer hair, my ears were always covered.  My apartmentmate would blame my hair when I didn't hear her.  People liked to ring my hair around my ear but I would shake my head and everything would return to its original state.  I guess I felt dysphoria about that because it was perceived as feminine?  But now I have a typical boy hairstyle which makes me blend in with all the guys, compared to my previous which I only knew a handful of people with.  My ears and back of neck definitely got tanned now.  And then more ear things, I could never do earrings.  I never tried and I never will.  I think of that as feminine even though I know it isn't really gendered as much.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

I guess this is kind of a trans moment too, but I'll post it here.

 

Me: I'm agender.

Dad: [talking about me] My daughter....

 

Me: I'm genderfluid.

Dad: *uses she pronouns for me*

 

Me: I'm a demiboy.

Dad: When I was talking to my daughter, she said...

 

I don't get it. I've repeatedly said "not female, not feminine, not female", but it's like he doesn't get it. I guess I need to be *super* clear. *sigh* 

[nerdperson777]

On 12/13/2016 at 2:24 AM, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

I guess this is kind of a trans moment too, but I'll post it here.

 

Me: I'm agender.

Dad: [talking about me] My daughter....

 

Me: I'm genderfluid.

Dad: *uses she pronouns for me*

 

Me: I'm a demiboy.

Dad: When I was talking to my daughter, she said...

 

I don't get it. I've repeatedly said "not female, not feminine, not female", but it's like he doesn't get it. I guess I need to be *super* clear. *sigh* 

Well my dad just sees this all as a delusion, a fake.  He has never referred to me correctly in anyway.  The only time he kind of did was when he dropped me off at the airport.  "Be a good girl....boy....girl."  Thanks for misgendering me TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

[Heart]

On 2016-12-08 at 0:09 PM, Evren said:

I carry my stress in my shoulders and i'm always stressed for various reasons. Because of this I haven't been able to wear my binder in forever and its more than a little upsetting. If I do wear it I get to experiernce extreme shoulder and neck pain. I want to apply for college as a trans masciuline person but im afraid no one will take me seriously without a binder on.

Also my dysphoria is of course worse without my binder, I find myself curled up in bed more than I used too, I feel like im moving backwards instead of forwards.

I know coming out might help with that but I just can't get myself to do it, im not afraid of getting kicked out or anything, im ready to come out, I just have trouble seeing how it will help and not make more problems.

I know I'm late the party, but I feel you on this one. I do the same thing; when I get stressed for long periods of time I find myself less able to wear my binder without getting shoulder pain almost right away and having to take it off. If I've had a few weeks in a row of high stress, which is not that unusual, it sucks in particular.

 

I have no solution, I'm sorry All I can say, is that you're certainly not the only one out there

 

I'm sorry that this whole thing is making you feel pressured to come out before you're ready. And I'm sorry that people may not take you as seriously as a transmasculine person without a binder. These are all really unfair situations. *many hugs*

[nerdperson777]

Right now I'm getting my parents' "suggestions" for my hair.  Since it's the holidays, we will have to go out and see friends and relatives.  It already happened a few months ago, but I'm getting it again now.  They both think I should've gotten my haircut after seeing people, because they're afraid of what people think.  Next time I'll retort back, does that mean what people think of me is more important than me being me?  I told my dad angrily that I hated my birthday because I did not get to be me.  He just ignored it.

 

Also my bathroom visits have not been...clean lately and my dad asked me to clean the toilet.  He kept asking when I was going to clean it.  I said when he doesn't tell me to.  He doesn't think that's even an answer.  He said that it makes him uncomfortable.  Next time I'm going to say I'm uncomfortable everyday and no one cares about that.

[Mychemicalqpr]

I was making friends with someone.  He said he didn't care what gender someone is.  Then recently he said that saying that wasn't the same thing as promising to try to use neutral words.  This happened on a a day where I was already very anxious to begin with, and I don't know how I actually managed to finish my exam after the "but you're not a robot" comment.  I was in pretty bad dysphoria after that, which is mainly why I changed the Irene Addler avatar.  I kind of feel bad about it now.  He's more accepting than most of the cisgender people I have encountered, so maybe I should be happy to get that much.  I also don't want to disappoint my mom with losing another friend.  I kind of feel like I've been deceived and trapped in a friendship now, which is really unfair since I've been very forthright in everything about me that might be a dealbreaker with the intention of him being able to tell me if any of those things were going to be problems. It's like if a sexual said they didn't care that I was ace but then said later "But I didn't mean that I was OK with not having sex". I guess I'm asking if it's reasonable to cut off contact with someone just because their not being quite as supportive as you expected.  From a logical standpoint, I would rather have less friends who I can be myself with than more friends who are counterproductive to my happiness, but that sounds selfish, especially since he also has had problems with anxiety, depression, and isolation.  

[Heart]

With the impending Holiday season, I'm sending out extra hugs to everyone. Family can be tough. Cross-dressing as whatever gender they think you are or want you to be can be tough. We're here for you, hang in there

 

My inbox is always open. I'll try to be online leading up to and including the holiday season as much as I can.

[Lou42]

On 11/12/2016 at 5:28 PM, Mystic Maya said:

I feel dysphoria because I think my bones are too big and masculine, and I'm really skinny which emphasizes them...

My hips stick out in completely the wrong shape and position, my rib cage sticks out too much, my shoulders look to big, my hands are big, my feet are big...

I don't think I'm capable of gaining much weight...

Wouldn't HRT help with your silhouette? I feel like oestrogen makes you gain weight a bit and mostly makes everything "rounder" if you see what I mean.

If HRT isn't an option, I feel clothes might help. I'm really bad at clothes for that kind of thing but maybe try a google search, or to find tutorials on youtube about skinny girls dressing so as to enhance their hips, that kind of thing.

Anyway I feel you... 

[Lou42]

On 09/12/2016 at 8:30 PM, Evren said:

 

I understand that it's a guilt thing, I've been working through it but I haven't managed to completely get rid of it yet. I was trying to work my way up to it before Christmas but my mom lost her job and I didn't want to give her any more stress. I don't understand myself why I don't come out, I want to come out, I've done as much as I can without coming out, and I just don't do it. I guess it's my mom most of all, she would still love me and everything, but I am afraid that she wouldn't use my pronouns or respect me and I would lose the last person who I can trust and talk to IRL. Although she has done things lately that make me think she would be more okay with it than I think. I just don't know how to make myself do it, there's no right time, and yet I keep waiting for it. 

I guess there's never an ideal moment to come out. You need to do that for yourself, so you don't become crazy.

Maybe you could pick a date when you know you'll be able to have a moment alone with your mother, and you forbid yourself from wussing out, whatever happens. Prepare what you'll say, so that for example you don't talk of medical transition right away, but still mention the most important things. Make sure you'll have enough time alone. Maybe you can even prepare some resources to explain the most difficult stuff and so that she'll have something to come back to if she wants.

And I think the best idea to keep her from not listening, or feeling like it's not super important or anything you're afraid of, would be to begin the conversation by explaining that it's very important for you, that you've wanted to tell her for a long time but that you were afraid of how she'd react. I think the priority of most parents is their kid's well-being but when we come out as trans it makes them scared of a ton of things and they don't realise how important and real it really is.

I think that the more you wait to tell her, the harder it'll be to tell her. And every day it is left untold is another day when you'll have to bend the truth. I've been in this situation about my sexual/romantic orientation with my brother, and every time i didn't correct the heterosexual assumptions because he was here, it felt like lying. And I ended up avoiding certain topics all the time because I wasn't out to him. I guess what I'm saying is, as much as you fear coming out might drive you apart, not coming out will drive you apart much more.

[Dodecahedron314]

Tfw you're putting together a cosplay using a reference of it on an AFAB character even though it's something that's canonically been shown on people of both assigned genders, and you realize you have even more of a "feminine" figure than the actual deliberately-stylized-to-be-curvier-because-comics character when you look in the mirror and go "Oh...right...hips are...a thing that I have..."

(Curse my proportions. Why did I have to get stuck with being short and having wide hips???)

 

Also: "Mom, this is a tunic, not a dress." "Okay, so how far down do you want this dress to go?"

 

 

[nerdperson777]

19 hours ago, Lou42 said:

I guess there's never an ideal moment to come out. You need to do that for yourself, so you don't become crazy.

Maybe you could pick a date when you know you'll be able to have a moment alone with your mother, and you forbid yourself from wussing out, whatever happens. Prepare what you'll say, so that for example you don't talk of medical transition right away, but still mention the most important things. Make sure you'll have enough time alone. Maybe you can even prepare some resources to explain the most difficult stuff and so that she'll have something to come back to if she wants.

And I think the best idea to keep her from not listening, or feeling like it's not super important or anything you're afraid of, would be to begin the conversation by explaining that it's very important for you, that you've wanted to tell her for a long time but that you were afraid of how she'd react. I think the priority of most parents is their kid's well-being but when we come out as trans it makes them scared of a ton of things and they don't realise how important and real it really is.

I think that the more you wait to tell her, the harder it'll be to tell her. And every day it is left untold is another day when you'll have to bend the truth. I've been in this situation about my sexual/romantic orientation with my brother, and every time i didn't correct the heterosexual assumptions because he was here, it felt like lying. And I ended up avoiding certain topics all the time because I wasn't out to him. I guess what I'm saying is, as much as you fear coming out might drive you apart, not coming out will drive you apart much more.

In my case, I don't think I was the one who mentioned surgery first.  I answered the question with that I was smaller chested so I don't think I would need it.  Mom reaffirmed me with a scared "good".  My issue is that my parents still think they have as much control over me as they did when I was small.  When I came home with a haircut, mom touched my hair and asked why I couldn't wait until after seeing relatives.  Get away from my head.  The only person with permission to touch my head won't even talk to me anymore, so no one touches.

 

13 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

Tfw you're putting together a cosplay using a reference of it on an AFAB character even though it's something that's canonically been shown on people of both assigned genders, and you realize you have even more of a "feminine" figure than the actual deliberately-stylized-to-be-curvier-because-comics character when you look in the mirror and go "Oh...right...hips are...a thing that I have..."

(Curse my proportions. Why did I have to get stuck with being short and having wide hips???)

 

Also: "Mom, this is a tunic, not a dress." "Okay, so how far down do you want this dress to go?"

When I did my first cosplay, most of the attire was ribbons hanging off a tunic.  My dad was looking for a girlier way to make my cosplay.  I showed him that I found some girl made it into a dress.  He was like good, do that.  Hello?  You know I hate dresses.  I'm not going out of my way to make myself one.  Also the problem with my parents is that they don't have any confidence in me doing anything besides studying.  Whenever I'm working on something, Dad always enlists himself to help me when I never asked.  When I was making a complicated part of that cosplay, he said, "I don't care, I'm doing it this way."  But it's my project, it's supposed to conform to my expectations, not yours.  Once I was making a sword based on a tutorial.  It was made with cardstock.  Dad sounded so great thinking that he would watch this video and then help me out.  He thought the video was 10 minutes long.  I showed him a 2 hour video and he left.

[nerdperson777]

When you're AFAB and got a haircut, then seeing family or friends, the women with short hair get enthusiastic because they think you want to be just like them.  Hello....masculine cut!  It doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, even if my parents rather have a gay kid than a trans kid.

[ChillaKilla]

Dysphoria is hitting me like a brick in the face. Every single part of me that looks feminine sticks out like a sore thumb and I know everyone else sees it. Hearing my birth name is almost physically painful. When will it end?

[nerdperson777]

I'm going to a Christmas party in a moment and I'll be called the wrong name and be misgendered by everyone.  I decided to go since whether I'm there or home, I'm going to do nothing anyway.  We tend to show up early based on what the host says but everyone else arrives hours later.

[nerdperson777]

My parents and I went to the mall yesterday.  We went to the Nike store to see if I can get a new pair of shoes.  I do have a lightly worn pair from the women's section though.  But when we were shopping, I could not really find what I was looking for.  My shoe size is 6.5 in women's but I wear size 7 for some foot room.  That translates to 5.5 in men's.  My issue is that the men's section seems to only contain sizes 6.5 to 12+ and the boys and girls section is really youth sizes to like size 2.  The only area I'll find shoes in my size is the women's section, which I refused to look in.  I was just lucky last year that I found a shoe in 5.5.

[The-world-is-quiet-here]

When you want to wear lipstick but you feel dysphoric about it.

 

This morning, I was trying to distract myself from my lipstick dysphoria, so i asked my mom if she liked wearing mascara. She said she did, and then asked if I wanted to wear it. 

...so now I'm wearing mascara. -.- I'm not really angry about it, but I'm not happy about it either.

 

also, all the she pronouns are getting to me. 

[Mychemicalqpr]

I don't have much desire to wear makeup, dysphoria or not--except for costumes--but I can definitely relate to that feeling with dresses.  I used to wear them all the time when I was little and oblivious, but then I stopped when I became aware that this was perceived as girly.  I still think they're beautiful though.  I have a few that I'll wear on the occasions when I'm feeling a tiny bit feminine (I might be very slightly flux). I can't do it without leggings or something though.  I get too paranoid about tripping or sitting wrong.  

[nerdperson777]

Lately I've been hating monthly visits more and more. I hate having to remember that I'm hiding my stained underwear from my mom. The oozing feeling makes me so uncomfortable. It was my body's Christmas present to me that I get to experience for the next week. Plus family that doesn't understand me. My extended family is way too traditional. 

[Guest]

I have a love-hate relationship with make-up. I just wear a simple foundation, mascara and sometimes i just add a wee bit of lipstick in non dysphoric days. But mostly i just go plain natural because i can't be bothered with how people look at me when i don't wear make up or anything. Yeah, the she pronouns can get annoying if you hear it all the time...

[Dodecahedron314]

Spoilered for being a rambling, angsty, ellipsis-ridden wall of text. 

Spoiler

 

My mom is leaving the country soon, and because I've still got a lot of my stuff with her since I'm a college student and don't have room for all of it in my dorm, that means it's once again time to go through all my stuff and see what I'm keeping and therefore what she has to put in storage. ("Once again", because this is the...4th time we've done this in 5 years? You'd think by now I'd be less of a packrat.) Today, the chunk of stuff I was going through happened to include all my old jewelry, and I used to wear a lot of jewelry back when I still thought I was a cis girl. (Or...was? a cis girl? I don

 

 

[Heart]

@Dodecahedron314, I merged your double post to clean it up a bit, but even before I did so, it looks like your text in the spoiler got cut off somehow

[Dodecahedron314]

@Heart I tried Wayback Machining it to see if I could get it back, but apparently its tentacles don't reach this far into AVEN and so the full text has been lost to the sands of the AVEN gremlins. (Wow, talk about a weird progression of mixed metaphors.) Honestly, you can probably delete it and the posts relating to it, it was mostly just me really needing to get some stuff off my chest regardless of whether anyone read it. I'm feeling a little better now, so it's no longer necessary.