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Different Dysphorias


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All the little Lights

I agree, Finn.

 

It is especially worth it because you can be yourself. And what is even your life if you aren't yourself?

What is your life worth if you are not living it actively, just let things happen to you and go with the flow that others tell you? That's not your life then. In your life, you shall be happy the way you are.

 

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I bought two jackets on sale for like 50% off.(My two-in-one jacket that I have is just done and I need new ones for mild and cold weather) 

One is a military style kind of jacket in khaki with adjustable waist and pockets in the chest area, so it's pretty great for all my needs, because it can look more fitting/feminine and more androgynous.

 

 

The other one is a winter jacket and I just learned that the style is called pea coat in English. So I didn't want a black jacket, and also no dark blue this time (!). So I went on a whim and ordered this beautiful burgundy color. It fits great and isn't too short either, even though I'd prefer it a bit longer. The thing is. It makes me feel a bit too feminine. And if I keep it I think there is no way around it than to buy another more androgynous winter jacket for... all those days this jacket would make me dypshoric. But I actually want to keep it, it's really pretty. And it's actually such progress for me to come out of my shell color-wise (the khaki as well).

 

 

So what do you think of the second one? Keep it and save money for a second one? I was thinking of getting two anyway, one that is more casual so I can wear it for kindergarten trips and such.

Edited by Finn.
added links because the pictures didn't work
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Gentle Giant

@Finn. Since you do actually like the second coat and it fits well, you might as well keep it. It's nice that you could get both jackets at 50% off. Great deal! Maybe you might be able to find another one you like even better later on.

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I showed it to my best friend and she loved the jackets as well! So yeah I'm going to keep them, there's still enough time to look for another one.

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On 25/5/2017 at 7:25 AM, rivkael said:

does anyone else like to watch their shadow? I've found myself doing it a lot in the last few days.

 

What I've noticed is that when I'm able to present a more androgynous or (I wish!) masculine silhouette it lessens my dysphoria, especially if I'm around other people.

I went a step farther and bought a black zentai suit. Now I am the shadow! 

(°▽°)

 

giphy.gif

 

But in all seriousness, I did bought it and I use it with my binder and voilá, not gender at all. Also I like that it looks kind of artistic too. Of course is silly and I use it only when no one is around (~_~;)

Normally I'm ok with just binding and looking as androgyn as I can until I open my mouth and the fantasy fades away.

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I will continue ranting so excuse me.

 

i hate my real name. Is the most sweet, girly, stereotypical name you could ever find. It's even used as a joke for the stereotypical sweet dumb secretary, or the rich bratty girl. I wish I could rip it apart into tiny little pieces!!!

latest?cb=20151212023034&path-prefix=es

 

...

.....

 

4b979e9cdee9885a045416f82b222e57

I haven't found a name that could suit me in Spanish... all the neutral gender names sound really foreign with my surnames... or they end up being classified like a girl or boy name because people don't really have the concept of neutral... I like the names I create for fantasy purposes but I don't think people will accept them. They will make fun of me... I hate that my language is so gendered... 

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I have not had that much dysphoria lately which is nice. But i do have this crap in the back of my mind that my body is just wrong. Commercials about ladyshavers and things like that still triggers my dysphoria and makes me so jealous. Why don´t i look like that or atleast similar.

 

But i can survive.

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butterflydreams
10 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

But i can survive.

This is important. Keep this. Hold onto it.

 

I know for me dysphoria always ramps up right when I'm already feeling lower. If you have some reserves, it might help if yours ever ramps up.

 

TW for pretty real talk

Spoiler

There are times when everything else is frustrating me so much. And I think about how far off GCS seems. I really just want to rip everything off. It hurts so much. If I feel things, if they get in the way, and it often does...it's a scary disorienting feeling. But for now, I always seem to push through. For now.

 

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Calligraphette_Coe
16 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

I have not had that much dysphoria lately which is nice. But i do have this crap in the back of my mind that my body is just wrong. Commercials about ladyshavers and things like that still triggers my dysphoria and makes me so jealous. Why don´t i look like that or atleast similar.

 

But i can survive.

Always the first order of business-- survival. Because if you don't, you may never again feel dysphoria, but you don't get to feel anything else, either. No possibilities, no potentialities, just a nothingness longing to see another sunset. No chances to climb the mountain, any mountain, just stuck in the quicksand of despair. Even dysphoria doesn't have that tight a grip on one, such that you can't be moved by beauty, compassion and lovingkindnesses. Those are peak experineces, dysphoria is just an endless aching pain.

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butterflydreams
23 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

dysphoria is just an endless aching pain.

True facts. I'm in it today. Working hard to distract myself as much as I can.

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  • 2 weeks later...
butterflydreams

Hey everyone, real talk, ok?

 

I think it's definitely the right decision for now, to not concern myself with immediate thoughts about bottom surgery. It will happen, but I need to get myself into a bit better of a place first, and spend some time getting to know who I am.

 

However, that means in the meantime, I have to deal with the dysphoria of it. I know there probably aren't many people here who will be able to speak specifically to what I have physically, and what I can do, but I figured it's worth a try anyway. 

 

Spoiler

Some days, when the tuck just isn't working, I feel so gross. There's nothing I hate more than looking down at my underwear and seeing an obvious bulge. Ugh, even writing about it hurts. I'm not about to start performing some amateur surgery on myself, but I get that sentiment completely. I really do. 

 

I know it could be argued that, "hey, you lived just fine up until now, what's a few more years?" Well, in order to start transitioning at all, I had to turn off the coping mechanisms. All that stuff that kept me afloat (and hurt me in other ways) isn't there anymore. I took the risk of admitting my dysphoria, and there's no turning back now. Always denying it is one thing, but once you admit it, it'll never go away.

 

It's only been about 2 years and I already feel so fed up.

 

I know there are other things I can do in the meantime, like saving money (This won't really kick on until 2020 when my student loans are paid off). Until then, I can save some, but I live alone, and it's expensive. I'm doing my very best. I work hard and have health insurance. I would hope that counts for something. 

 

Any tips anyone has on how I can just cope in the meantime would be so, so helpful. Thanks <3

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I figured out what I want to do with my hair. I like it long a lot but occassionally I get dysphoric about it. The problem is that I didn't really want to have a short "boyish" haircut either. In fact, the idea of looking too much like a guy makes me dysphoric as well. I now realized what I want to do: I want to shave my head. I realized that I don't want short hair because  it's too boyish, long hair is too girlish but having a shaved head feels gender neutral to me. I don't know if I'm actually going to do it because I'm worried how others will react but I really want to.

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RaisingFabulous

This is the first time I've ever shared so in-depth with anyone.

 

My daughter's transition, and my education regarding it made me realize, at the age of 42, all the fucked up issues in my head throughout most of my life were because I was demigender...and not just a freak or pervert.;)  I am married with two kids, and nobody close to me knows any of what I'm about to share, and I don't know if I will ever share.  This is the joy of being demigender.  I don't know what I would change if I did share, due to my job and where I live... sharing with family might honestly make my mental state worse, and as I don't suffer from real depression, I will continue to cope as I have up until now.

 

My dysphoria is mild and can have to do with my body or mental state.  When I was young I'd fixate on women, and this was easily mistaken as sexual (I identify as a hetero male), but I also came to realize there was a jealousy there of what they had that I didn't.  Sometimes I find myself staring at women in yoga pants or leggings wishing I had what they had rather than the bulge I've been endowed with.  Cisgender hetero men do not think this way.  I even know how I'd want to look...athletic body, smaller boobs (I'm still active and boobs get in the way).  As a man, I'm 6ft1in, and a former college athlete (broad shouldered, 48in chest, 250lbs), and all that goes with it physically.  Body dysphoria comes and goes.  Sometimes I love being big and strong, and other times I despise it, wishing I was much smaller and female.  Because of the back and forth, physically I sit in limbo land.  I don't hate my body most of the time, and am fine with presenting male because of how I'm built.  If I was built different then I might play with clothing, but, but I have no desire to look like a "dude in drag"...if I'm going to wear women's clothes then I want to look like a woman.  I have a perfectionist side, and however i present, I want to look the part.

 

As for my mental dysphoria, most of my feminine side is in my mind.  I learned early on that socially, emotionally, and sexually I see the world more from a female perspective, and I also learned to hid this well.  Growing up I had male and female friends, but always connected more deeply with my female friends.  I was an athlete, and held to the gender binary so as puberty and sexuality entered into the picture, it seemed to fuck it all up for a time.  High school was a no man's land socially for me.  I got on with most social groups, but never really was a part of any.  Due to the sexual component I started having issues talking to girls because not only did I want to be friends, but I also wanted to have sex with them, and I didn't know how to deal with this.  I would occasionally cross-dress with my mom's clothing, and while early on there was a sexual component to it (at that age there is a sexual component to anything), it also seemed to sooth my mind.  As I got bigger and stronger, the clothes stopped fitting me, except for panties, and they still seemed to do enough for me to feel feminine.  

 

College saw me develop several close female friendships which I managed to ruin due to dating other girls who were jealous of my friendships, or self-loathing that made me eventually lash out and ruin the friendships on my own.  During this time I also had managed to develop quite the panty collection, and sometimes would sit just imagining what I would look like in them if I just had a female body, but eventually fear of being caught by a girlfriend saw me throw them all out, as I would do many times in the future.   

 

Once i was married I would ease my mental dysphoria by shopping for my wife.  She still comments about my "gay" gene (not quite), and the fact that I can pick out better clothes for her than she can for herself...I used to buy her complete outfits from lingerie, to dresses, to shoes.  It was my way of buying what I would buy for myself if I had been built like her.  It helped to see the clothes on her.  I also play female characters when I game from DnD, to RPGs, etc.  Being able to act with my female mind allows me to banish my mental dysphoria. 

 

Dysphoria has even gotten in the way of sex.  I don't approach sex like most men.  I want to be desired, and I love to draw out the foreplay.  The build up is as important as the act itself.  I can't have sex unless I know my partner wants it as much as I do, and if I suspect she doesn't then I won't even ask.  Talking with male friends and hearing what they say in regards to sex I know this is not the norm for most of them, and that they aren't even keyed into if their wife is interested or not.  When they want it, they ask for it, and don't care if it is a pity or mercy fuck.  

 

As of late, focusing on my daughter's transition (she's seven) has helped, and not only has confirmed who I am, but has allowed me to confirm I am not trans, which is something I had wondered for a while.  Most of the time my dysphoria is a very quiet hum that I can tune out, and I've learned to cope when I can't.  Being demi-gender also means there are times I despise the thought of being a woman, and want nothing to do with it...and am decidedly happy to be a man, but as I identify male and live that way...there is nothing to miss about not being male.

 

Sorry for the length of post, but it does feel good getting it out, and I could have made it even longer...

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@RaisingFabulous welcome to aven! :cake: i hope finding this label and identity helps you be happier. good luck to you and your daughter!

 

I'm thinking my gender is changing again. Dysphoria has been bugging me a lot this week already. Last night I was watching this depressing gay movie and there was this red-headed guy in it and I was like "he's really cute!" and I immediately got super dysphoric because I remembered how *girly* I am (which is strange, I usually don't consider myself girly). And then, lying down, I phsyically felt like I didn't have boobs but I was also super aware of having them. I was pretty close to putting on my binder and sleep in it. (But I didn't, don't come for me). I barely got any sleep.

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RaisingFabulous
1 hour ago, Finn. said:

@RaisingFabulous welcome to aven! :cake: i hope finding this label and identity helps you be happier. good luck to you and your daughter!

 

Thanks Finn...everyone wonders how I accepted who she was so quickly and readily...(whispers) because I understand where she is coming from.  I think finding out you aren't a pervert is always a positive thing...I suspected it as my sex drive started falling, but my need for the feminine remained, and wondered if I was trans, but never felt I fit the label, and then seeing my little girl, knew from her experience that there was no way the label fit.  Luckily, for me I am fine or happy to be male most of the time.  I feel horrible for those who feel even more trapped between worlds.  Isn't it funny how dysphoria can hit you real hard for a week or two?  For me, it can be bad for up to a month, where almost all thoughts are about wanting to be female, and then six months or more can go by with nothing.  

 

I play football (soccer) in a Master's (Over 40) league, as a goalkeeper.  Competing athletically seems to help banish/keep at bay the dysphoria as well and I do it weekly...go figure.

 

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6 hours ago, Light02 said:

I want to shave my head. I realized that I don't want short hair because  it's too boyish, long hair is too girlish but having a shaved head feels gender neutral to me.

Shave or buzz? I get a buzz cut before every summer for long standing habit and heat, and the buzz seems slightly more neutral for me. Hope you find a haircut that works!

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1 hour ago, BionicPi said:

Shave or buzz? I get a buzz cut before every summer for long standing habit and heat, and the buzz seems slightly more neutral for me. Hope you find a haircut that works!

I think I'd prefer a buzz cut. Either way, I hope I get support in my decision from my friends because otherwise I wouldn't have the courage to do it. But shaving my hair off is something that I've already mentioned plenty of times so hopefully everyone in my life will be fine with it.

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18 minutes ago, Light02 said:

I think I'd prefer a buzz cut. Either way, I hope I get support in my decision from my friends because otherwise I wouldn't have the courage to do it. But shaving my hair off is something that I've already mentioned plenty of times so hopefully everyone in my life will be fine with it.

When I got my buzz cut, many people in my family who didn't like how I kept cutting my hair shorter and shorter actually really like the buzz cut on me. And not just to make me feel good, they genuinely liked it. Besides, even if they didn't like it, I liked it and that's what mattered to me in the end. Good luck if you go through with it.

 

Edit: Whoops, undercut that is. :'D Still though.

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nerdperson777
On 7/13/2017 at 0:22 PM, SkyWorld said:

When I got my buzz cut, many people in my family who didn't like how I kept cutting my hair shorter and shorter actually really like the buzz cut on me. And not just to make me feel good, they genuinely liked it. Besides, even if they didn't like it, I liked it and that's what mattered to me in the end. Good luck if you go through with it.

 

Edit: Whoops, undercut that is. :'D Still though.

When I first got my gender appropriate haircut, I didn't know what I was doing.  My Qtor (queer mentor) had offered to do it for me with her razor.  Those plastic claw things that people put on razors have numbers so I tried not to cut so much.  I chose the number 7, but eventually I got to number 5.  My mom was actually afraid that I would shave my head.  Actually a shaved head would bring out more feminine features from what I researched, so no.  I've gotten to the idea that I should cut my hair shorter so that I can lengthen out the time I need to get a haircut.  Feeling my prickly sideburns never fails to make me feel good (maybe it's an autistic stim, but I'm still not too sure what stimming is).  The last person who cut my hair didn't cut that much so I didn't get any prickles to touch.  (Dang it.)  I'm probably going to have an earlier than usual haircut at this rate because of how little it was cut.

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I doesn't feel like I'm being talked to when people say he or she, but it does when people say they or my name to me. It's annoying because I know that I'm being talked to, but it doesn't sound like their talking to me. Alsooooo when I had long hair people called me she (just as bad as he to me) and this is how I found my identity, so I'm somewhat glad(without it who knows what it would be like) but also annoyed about things like this because of their assumptions.

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I have a question about shoes. I only have one pair of sandals so far (first spoiler). And I feel like, whenever I put a pretty masculine/androgynous outfit on it brings it out of balance. Like, any chance of passing as anything other than my agab is missed because of them. So what kind of sandals could I wear that are more androgynous? I have sneakers that I love no matter where my gender and dysphoria are at, but they're too warm for this kind of weather. Are there really only these hiking kind of sandals for men (second spoiler)? I hate those, they remind me of my father. (as a side note, I can't walk in flip flops, it's a cognitive thing).

 

Spoiler

Paul-Barritt-Flache-Leder-Sandalen-fuer-

something like this

 

Spoiler

61qaWMCzhBL._UX395_.jpg

 

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Gentle Giant

@Finn. I have a pair of Keens sandals and really like them. I have small feet and wear childrens. (They're lower priced too) I think these are what I have in blue depths/gargoyle...

 

http://www.keenfootwear.com/p/Y-NEWPORT-H2.html?dwvar_Y-NEWPORT-H2_color=1014259&cgid=kids_all

 

My brother's family wears Keens and suggested them to me. You may find something by Keens you'd like.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

At the beginning of this thread someone mentioned coping mechanisms and stuff and I've been reading through this, seeing as I'm anonymous on here I think I finally want to get everything that's happened and messed with my identity in my life out in the open. A lot of it is weird as fuck, and stuff I was never able to tell anyone. So, here goes:

I think I have more of a physical sense of dysphoria around my body than social, but reading back on this reminds me of how others might feel the same way. However I didn't start to reflect on my gender until a few weeks ago and it's taken so long for me to understand myself, so I'm going to start in childhood. And probably I should get out the one thing I've never told anyone, which probably screwed with me mentally.
TW: A grey area in terms of molestation, maybe? It deserves a TW.
 

Spoiler

When I was around 10, my mum had this boyfriend who had a hyperactive kid. The relationship they had lasted for about a year, but she stopped it because he would regularly sort of play wrestling with me and when we went on holiday he was still bullying me so she broke up with the boyfriend for my sake. The kid was one year older than me, but there was this one day where he was playing wrestling as usual, and I can't really remember how or why it happened except that I went along with it, but he got out his penis and asked me to put my mouth round it and I did. I think it's definitely affected me in terms of being sex-averse, and I've never told anyone in my life.

Anyway, the above obviously explains why I would find penises disgusting personally, but other than avoiding the thought of relationships up until I was 18 I never really thought about things like gender, and yet I see a lot on this thread which I can relate to in retrospect. My mum was a big contributor to me avoiding thinking about things like that, since on the one hand she didn't really take issue with clothing and I basically...just really really liked sporty clothes, not really particularly masculine or anything but I felt the most comfortable in them, but on the other she did decide a lot. It relates to being autistic since I was often told off for dragging my feet, slurping drinks, I don't know not "sitting like a lady" kind of stuff when she'd say something like "I can see your pants when you sit like that" or whatever. But as well as that on the school end of it I was bullied because I had red hair(kids in the UK are weird -_- ), and I also hated my hair since my mum would always cut it for me and keep it at shoulder length specifically which made me so mad. Kids also teased me when they were wearing cup bras and I wore a sports bra, and then they started shaving their legs and I just hated all these things. And yet...When I got out of secondary school I think I just went full into denial, I'd dress more "girly", grew my hair out so now it's waist length and has been that forever, tried to have lots of friends at once which just didn't work at all because autistic, and yet I've always had this weird feeling that something wasn't right when I looked in the mirror. I didn't like my smile, I didn't like my hair or eyebrows or chest or belly, I liked that feeling of looking at my shadow and seeing it as gender-neutral somehow, I didn't like make-up or shaving legs, but I also told myself I didn't give a f**k what anyone thought of me, and this facade has only really broken down now I'm at uni and looking back on my past thinking, you're so in denial. Now I have a much stronger identity, I feel happy at being able to tell people I'm not lazy, or whatever, I'm autistic, and I can also watch out for the bits of me that just go with whatever someone else wants of me when I'm socialising, so I can do what's good for myself and not them. And all of this has helped me recognise how all of those things I don't like in the mirror don't have to be directed inwards, I can also see how certain situations make them worse: for example, I got out of attending two weddings this year, and the second one was something I was really worried would upset a friend of mine. I also went to a hen-do with another friend where I left early because of social dysphoria, and I have some colleagues at my IT support job. All of these situations made me anxious thinking about them, and helped me face up to the fact that being thought of as a girl or a woman makes me feel so gross, and makes me feel like all of the ways I present as more neutral to feel happy with myself are somehow turned into marks against my "femininity" which just feels wrong. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I might be something like bigender or neutrois or something, because although I might just look like I'm not putting any effort in, now when I dress in vest tops, jeans with my sports bra and everything, I feel like something completely different. The way I've experienced gender and coping with dysphoria is definitely how someone else described it at the beginning of this thread, which is that I completely ignored it as a thing, never thought about it. Then I started getting further as a classical pianist in the last 5 years with a scholarship, having to dress up for that, and started getting into relationships, and in the end it's really only since I tried to have a sexual relationship that I realised how much I hate being seen as a woman, because sexting, my chest, genitals(don't want a vagina, don't want a penis ^_^ ), all of that just makes me anxious now. Oh and I have an especially terrible name, since even my surname actually has the really terrible coincidence of sounding like some genitalia associated with being AFAB :angry: and my first name is "girly". I've always hated every single part of my name.

I hope people understand that this thing I wrote, which focuses so much on gender expression, is the way it is because I've had a lot of things underpinning my anxiety about different things, and so for a lot of this, while I don't know if it would be right to pin it entirely down as gender dysphoria, that is one of the contributing factors and is all mixed up with being sex averse, autistic and having emotionally abusive parents who, I might add, are both probably autistic and undiagnosed as well. As a result, while in childhood I didn't have the same sorts of emotions around gender as others have, now that I've begun to live my life in a way which reduces the issues I used to have more with ASD, being sex-averse etc, now I can see that the final piece of my identity which I need to be considerate towards in order to live happily is that I am not a woman, regardless of what people think, and I do feel dysphoric about being thought of that way.

 

Sorry for the rant, this is really long :(

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

@Finn. Just wanted to say I'm also interested :o because I also can't walk in something like flip flops.

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nerdperson777
On 7/18/2017 at 8:46 AM, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

Oh and I have an especially terrible name, since even my surname actually has the really terrible coincidence of sounding like some genitalia associated with being AFAB :angry: and my first name is "girly".

I think I have an awesome last name.  It's something strong and powerful.  But my Chinese name?  It sounds like semen.  I speak Cantonese, so it's more like "see mun".  In Mandarin, the pinyin is si1 min3.  I'm not actually sure how to describe how si is said, but min is pronounced more like meen.  So if you get someone who doesn't know any Chinese, they might hear semen.  I'm emotionally sex-repulsed and mentally sex-neutral so I don't like my name to be a sex cell.  But I guess if my name sounded like the opposite binary gender sex cell, I might have bigger problems with it.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

@nerdperson777 I started teaching myself a bit of Cantonese one day and still want to get back to it, that would really suck people mispronouncing it like that, though I can see why you hate it :( but yeah. My name supposedly has saxon origins but I still can't stand it.

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<No longer active>

When you're not out and you're going on a residential where tey're gonna stick you in a room with girls >.< 

 

yay.

 

ugh. And it's an active residential so there's gonna be *shudders* heights, which I don't do, and water (which if it's salty, I literally can't do).

 

fabulous. Literally only doing this for my Duke of Edinburgh's.

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butterflydreams

What's it like to take a shower without dysphoria? 

 

"Take a shower, you'll feel better."

 

I hate this advice. But I wish it worked for me. I wish I could just take a shower and wash all my troubles away. It doesn't work like that though.

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@Finn. You could give a go to shoes made of more of material or this... mesh-like material. Sneakers, oxford shoes. Or espadrilles. Or the Birkenstock type shoes are gender neutral too, some of them are.

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