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Non-binary gender identity doubts


Emery.

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This is going to ba a long post.

So I gradually bacame a bit more confident about my gender fluidity out of the binary. Then, I thought, 'I'm gonna come out!' But as soon as I imagined it, I wasn't sure what to say as a coming-out.

'I don't feel like a woman. Or a man. I'm neither or in between'. So what will be the response?

A(+):'I already knew that/could feel it throught my skin'

B(+):'Oh [surprised, new to gender discourse]'

C(+):'Whatever you are, that's fine with me. You're my friend/sth else'[still surprised]

D(-):'Feeling a gender? That's bullshit. [explains why]'

E(-):'Alright, that you don't fit in with some outddated norm doesn't mean you're not a woman. Special snowflake!/Crazy!/You're misled.'

The two negative ones speak directly to my doubts. My identity bases on my desorientation in gendered activities and roles, mixed with an instinct to choose the male thing and being raised as a girl. I don't even see how to identify as a gender in a stable, deep manner. My feelings of being a certain (binary) gender are never full, and easily come and go. I don't know if they're there for real. I can't claim I don't have them.

There is also a certain thought that comes to me repeatedly, alternating with being sure of my gender queerness. That I am completely cisgender, because I sort of head on normally, and I'm fine with looking like a woman and being called a woman etc. I don't experience sharp and well defined dysphoria. The negetive feeling that I sometimes have connected with gender - I'm not sure if it is gender dysphoria, just discomfort connected with assined gender role or a mixture of both.

So maybe I am a girl, but oblivios to gender and a tomboy?

If I feel that nothing is wrong with my female body, I'm simply female and not stereotypical? If I'm fine with being called female words?

So why the hell does that all bug me and has pushed me to non-binary genders? So why do I want to wear men's clothes and behave more like a guy than an aveeage girl does? Why don't I feel the need to prove my womanhood (that's the point of dividing genders, right? Or not?) like all others?

I have been raised as a girl and never objected to that. It was a cool thing to be. A girl. Things changed only during puberty.

So why? Why then? Why a completely cisgender childhood? Not even a tomboyish childhood?

So why do I feel the need to be something else? Why do I love androgyny? Why does it haunt me years and years? Not to be confined with gender.

Why am I straight and doing it? I don't belong to the queer community. There's nothing un-straight about my relationships. I look like a girl. A guy attracted to me is attracted to me as a girl. I'm fine with it. And I am attracted to men. All things both romantic and sexual.

I am not a lot more guyish than an average girl. So why all this? Why this feeling?

Coming back to the question of coming out.

I don't know if I shold come out in the first place. I'm not sure if I'm right about being non-binary. I'm not sure if it's not gender roles that got too deep into my head. And I'm not sure if I can claim a non-binary identity, because I'm probably the least queer non-binary person in the world, because I do nothing not to look like a girl, am straight and sexual biologically speaking (and this is what a stranger sees), have no intention of not looking like a girl, and don't bother if I'm treated like a girl. I am not trans in the sense of transitioning.

On the other hand, if I could live as genderqueer, I'd jump on that chance. But I wouldn't do anything with my body. And I'm not sure if it's not just being tired with gender roles.

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The Pofessional

It seems like your biggest problem is that you just need to do some more thinking (and maybe some reading?).

But if you want clear and direct advice? Only come out if you want and need to be referred to by gender descriptors and pronouns atypical of your assigned gender. If you're already fine with your assigned descriptors/pronouns, do you really need to come out? Alternatively, is your coming out a political statement? That's for you to consider.

If you're worried about the reactions of others, try it with a "test" group before telling everyone.

This is coming from a masculine-presenting and AFAB non- binary trans person (what a mouthful).

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It seems like I have already over-thought the issue :S It's the same thoughts over and over again, the same motif fueles with new pieces of information.

Do you have any suggestions on particular questions to think about? Or any particular reads?

:) I thought only of coming out to my best friend ;) We've been friends for several years. Coming out would be for the sake of clearing out the mess and explaining her my wierd behaviour and thoughts I've shared with her. But equally well I could go on as I go and add more and more mess, it won't hurt.

Political statement? :S You mean...? Aha. This one... Nope. I'm politically female to damage gender from the inside. *evil laughter* ;)

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butterflydreams

Hmm...I think I'm inclined to agree with The Pofessional here. Mostly in that I'm not sure what guidance to suggest for your questions. They're deep, personal questions.

I guess to the beginning of your post, I'd ask if you really feel the need to come out at all? Would you be comfortable just keeping this thing, whatever it is, as your little special secret for now? Then maybe later on you suss out more parts and coming out makes sense. Or maybe it doesn't. Either way, you're moving forward.

Have you ever tried keeping a journal? Or just notes throughout the day about your thoughts? I don't know if that would be your kind of thing, but I've done it for years and it really helps to put down important thoughts. Then you can go back and look at them, and write down other things. It's kind of like having a dialog with yourself. I'm not sure about the details of why it works, but I think for some people, it does.

Good luck with wherever you go from here, and let us know how it goes! :)

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I'm going to throw one more reason out there for coming out. I came out to be comfortable. I don't require different pronouns, but there are certain things about me that people who are close to me notice, even before I come out. So I just come out so I can say "I'm having a dysphoria day, I can't come out to the movies." It's much easier than trying to make up an excuse, and then I don't come off as not wanting to hang out with them or something.

But yeah, even I only come out about my gender to those I'm close with. Mostly just partners, really, and best friends. Otherwise, I just don't find it worth my while to come out about my gender. It takes so much effort, you have to do it over and over again, and the direct benefit is minimal if it's not someone you're close to. I make up for it by being a flaming asexual and out to pretty much everyone about that and my polyamory ;)

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Mostly in that I'm not sure what guidance to suggest for your questions. They're deep, personal questions.

I guess to the beginning of your post, I'd ask if you really feel the need to come out at all? Would you be comfortable just keeping this thing, whatever it is, as your little special secret for now? Then maybe later on you suss out more parts and coming out makes sense. Or maybe it doesn't. Either way, you're moving forward.

Have you ever tried keeping a journal? Or just notes throughout the day about your thoughts? I don't know if that would be your kind of thing, but I've done it for years and it really helps to put down important thoughts. Then you can go back and look at them, and write down other things. It's kind of like having a dialog with yourself. I'm not sure about the details of why it works, but I think for some people, it does.

Good luck with wherever you go from here, and let us know how it goes! :)

Journal is aquite good idea :) I don't have that much privacy though (or am paranoid about someone reading it. Either way, I'm too afraid to write down gender struggles on paper or in my documents). However, your're right. It's all a really deep issue.

Going on to the problem of coming out, adding Heart's suggestions:

I'm going to throw one more reason out there for coming out. I came out to be comfortable. I don't require different pronouns, but there are certain things about me that people who are close to me notice, even before I come out. So I just come out so I can say "I'm having a dysphoria day, I can't come out to the movies." It's much easier than trying to make up an excuse, and then I don't come off as not wanting to hang out with them or something.

But yeah, even I only come out about my gender to those I'm close with. Mostly just partners, really, and best friends. Otherwise, I just don't find it worth my while to come out about my gender. It takes so much effort, you have to do it over and over again, and the direct benefit is minimal if it's not someone you're close to. I make up for it by being a flaming asexual and out to pretty much everyone about that and my polyamory ;)

I must admit too that coming out to everyone isn't worthwhile, but to close people, it might help with being comfortable. Yeah, so... As I have already said, it might clear things up. Just like in the case your dysphoria days. It's kind of uncomforatable for me to adhere to my assigned gender while speaking about stuff or doing things and sometimes take on a non-female perspective, which might be socially awkward when someone doesn't know, so I just sit quiet...

-----------

Anyway, I'll sure write how my coming out went when I do it. I might wait a little more for the right moment, but I think the ground is well-prepared. I suppose she already figured something herself, because she's laughed at me lately that I'm not a woman, but a person, paraphrasing my own words that I'm not an Easter egg or Christmas tree to decorate myself so much, but just a human wanting to live day to day, and not seeing the point of attracting everybody. We're going on holiday toghether (+with a couple of other people) and will probably spend some more time taking... So... Maybe... When the topic comes up... Just maybe... Anyway, I'm always curious about others' coming-outs and gender presentation journeys too. Always a chance to gather a little bit of experience in that matter.

Oh gosh, my identity is a roller coaster. *face on keyboard* I changed it again, but I guess I'm finally right on the topic of internal sense of gender with what I wrote in this topic. I think identifying as cis anyway is right, becuase I'm more cis and androgynous in terms of presentation than trans (at least as far as I perceive it). Plus genderqueer seems right for a multiple of reasons and in nearly all its meanings. And female seems right too to identify with (not as an internal experience but rather as a way of navigating the reality). I guess I just have a peoblem with cisfemale identity, even though I'm fine with cis and female separately. Genderqueer female is way better. I just don't think my experience is that of a cisfemale person. It is of a genderquer person who happens to have been born in a female body and have been raised to be a woman.

And, I realised I'm more bi/pansexual than I thought, and encountered the concept of bisexual heteroromantic for the first time in my life, seeing it fits me. Hence the change on the left.

Roller coaster. (Will anything more change?)

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Roller coaster. (Will anything more change?)

Probably. Life would be boring if nothing ever changed ;)

But hang tight. Every change is one more step in understanding yourself better. Sometimes it feels hopeless, like it's never going to settle down, but you'll get there. Maybe these changes are changes in who you are, maybe they are changes in who you understand yourself to be. Either way, they are valuable in and of themselves.

Good luck!! And have fun on the vacation :D

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Oh thanks :D

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