mspiral Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 So I'm relatively new to identifying as asexual and I was curious how other heteroromantics feel when/if people that they have come out to just slap the label straight on you. (This can also apply to all the other romantic orientations too.) Personally, I feel like part of me doesn't really have any right to be upset because technically part of me is, what people view as, straight. On the other hand, it feels like by calling me straight they attempt to hide or erase the asexual part of me and even though I know that they are fine with my asexuality it still bothers me. Plus the word straight in society is so closely related to the idea of sex that it makes me uncomfortable. If it was just random people on the street assuming that I'm straight I wouldn't really bother me, it's more of the fact that they are close friends of mine that I'm out to who still call me straight no matter how I try and explain why it bothers me. Basically I guess what I want to know is if I'm just being silly and making a deal out of nothing. Also I want to know if anybody else has had any similar experiences and how it made them feel. Any who mini rant thing over. Link to post Share on other sites
anon. Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yeah, I keep wondering about this as well. I think I'm in essence attracted to guys (heteroromantic), so I just function in society as "straight." But then people assault me with questions and I feel like I'm lying/keeping a secret when I don't disclose the -possibly/probably- asexual bit. I suppose that's technically true...but idk. I don't feel like that's something you just go up and tell people -- hey, I'm not sexually attracted to people, simply because sex doesn't normally come up with casual acquaintances, even if boyfriend/girlfriend stuff comes up. At least with the people I run with anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I don't accept the term straight when comparing my relationship to the majority of society. When I think of the word straight I think of someone who directly follows the sexuality of the average person. Anyone who does not have an orientations (or sexuality) "inline" with the majority don't qualify as straight in my opinion. In fact, I think we are even more different from straight people than homosexuals or bisexuals or pansexuals or anyone in between. All of those people still desire sex. We don't. We are the opposite of that. In my opinion we are more categorically different than all of them in the most fundamental of ways possible. I think that the reason that it feels like we could be called straight is because since sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and sensual attractions and desires are synchronized for the majority of people they have the privilege of thinking they are the same. We don't have that privilege, and accepting the term "straight" allows for us to be further misrepresented, misunderstood, and marginalized. It allows for people to think there is something wrong with us as opposed to spontaneously occurring variation in sexuality.In my mind we are the complete opposite of the word "straight." Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Well, I'm demiheteroromantic, and I don't know if it's the demiromantic part of me or just the ace part (probably both), but I don't like being called straight. Of course, I'm not really out, so that's an issue haha. So obviously I can't really be mad at my friends for assuming that I'm straight, but I do have that gut reaction, that no, I'm not straight. I don't address it since I do pretend to be straight around them, but to me straight is heterosexual and heteroromantic (with an innate desire for partnered sexual activity). That's not me, so I don't feel that the term applies. It feels like it's latching on to the aspect of my identify that is normative, while ignoring the parts that so often make me feel marginalized, alone, and more positively, unique. The asexual and demiromantic aspects of my identity are big parts of who I am, so to call me straight feels as though it erases that and in doing so erases a part of me as I see myself. My boyfriend, earlier on in my realizing I was ace, did say that I was straight or "basically straight" a couple of times, and it bothered me, so I told him and he stopped. Now he gets that I don't see myself as straight. I don't mind if he still sees me as practically straight. So yeah, I guess from that example I'd say it definitely bothers me, but luckily when I pointed it out he was super respectful and glad to stop calling me that! Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 My mind associates "straight/gay" more with the romantic orientation (or, to put it another way: example, a guy saying he's "straight" essentially is saying "I like/prefer/seek girls as relationship partners" without any sort of further context required), so if someone addresses me that way (straight), I don't argue with it. Link to post Share on other sites
EggplantWitch Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I might refer to myself as a 'straight ace', but I would be furious if someone I was out to called me 'straight'. Because I'm not, even if I am a woman who is romantically attracted to men (sorta, I'm demiromantic too). Asexual people face a tonne of struggles that heteroromantic heterosexuals don't and to call one 'basically straight' is to pretend that those struggles don't exist. It implies that our orientation isn't real and valid. Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm fine with the term, and I have to admit they wouldn't be entirely right. While I sometimes like looking at women's body, it doesn't mean I want romance, and it sure doesn't mean I want to screw one. Link to post Share on other sites
Indiana Joe Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I don't think I mind since I present as straight to the casual observer. To the extent to which it is anyone's business it serves the purpose when a label is expected. You have to make an allowance for when you are unable to come up with the time and energy to explain details that you're not being asked about to people who aren't really listening. A faint line in pencil is as straight as a line in 3-point ink. Link to post Share on other sites
nicknack12 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I know how you feel; my best friend doesn't believe asexuality exists, and even said so when I first told her that I thought I might be ace. After that, I just kind of decided not to talk about it since she's a really good friend in other ways, but I do wish she had been more accepting about it (she is very accepting of other LGBT orientations, and even headed the pride club in high school). She thinks of me as straight, but I usually just use the words "I like girls" because it's not a lie but not specifically labeling me as sexual. That's the only time I've had someone really refute me when I said I was asexual, and I forgave her because she continues to make me happy. Most other people assume I'm either straight or gay (because I've never had a real relationship), and I'm okay with that; it means less work for me (because explaining asexuality gets really annoying after a while). Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I don't feel like "straight" and "heterosexual" are synonyms. I think "straight" is more a "synthesis" of who people like in general (in a romantic way, sensual way or sexual way, whatever). A woman likes men, a man likes women ? They're straight. Same with gay or bi. Link to post Share on other sites
Calamity Jim Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm homoromantic, but totally use lesbian as a short hand.I am not in the closet, but being gay means I participate in different dialogues than being straight and I face similar forms of discrimination. Being asexual adds a new level of obstacles, but these ones occur on top of the ones that come with being gay, not instead of. So when I self identify I use either lesbian or ace depending on the type of conversation I am having and what point I am trying to address. So I'm not offended when people call me gay. I'm only offended if I'm externally identified as gay so as to deny me my title as ace as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm fine with straight, as to me, it just means "prefers guys" ... I don't like heterosexual as I am not, though I use hetero on forms cause it's the closest box. Link to post Share on other sites
butterscotchwm Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 One of my best friends who is gay (homoromantic and homosexual) basically just refers to me as straight most of the time even though he knows I'm asexual. I mean, I guess it's because since he's "%150,000 gay" (as he says) then in comparison to him all he really sees is that I'm straight. I like boys, and I want to date boys. I just don't want to have sex with them. It's only when the topic moves to sex when he starts acknowledging my asexualness. I kind of get what some people said about feeling like the asexual part is getting ignored when people just call you "straight" even though you are hetero-romantic. But I think if they KNOW you are asexual, and they're only talking about dating / romance, then the asexual part doesn't really need to be the focus. Link to post Share on other sites
AceDetective Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I really don't like the term "heterosexual" due to the fact that I'm simply just not, even though I am romantically and sensually attracted to males. I honestly don't know how I feel about the word "straight", though. I totally agree that it can sort of make me feel like my asexuality is being erased/ignored, because I totally feel like when people say "straight", the whole "likes boys and is attracted to boys and wants sex with boys" thing sort of goes along with that, and I really don't want to be associated with that. (Not that there's anything wrong with anyone who is "straight", just the thought of it being associated with me is what bothers me.) Link to post Share on other sites
MossyOwl Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I would be bothered because it is not true. My friends who do know about my asexuality call me asexual. Anything else would be disingenuous. Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I pretty much agree with everything the Ace Theist says on this subject. I Am Not Straight | The Ace Theist An excerpt: I never was straight, but it’s taken me years to be able to say this. I believed, for a long time, that in the absence of sexual attraction to the same gender, there was nothing left to call yourself but straight, a paradigm that did me far more harm than good. That’s why I’m fighting it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Zectarash Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Personally, if anyone called me "straight", I'd be offended. I view the term "straight" as heterosexual heteroromantic (although I suppose heterosexual aromantic might also count). Thus, as an ace/heteroromantic, I don't fit the definition. Link to post Share on other sites
wednesdaywoe Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I'm not sure. As someone who is almost certainly heteromantic, I would probably still carry a lot of 'straight' privilege, I guess? (I'm not at all projecting this onto anyone else, just how I think about and relate to my own sexuality). But when straight seems to be a shorthand for heterosexual, I think it would be frustrating, too. I think if it came with an erasure of my asexuality, I'd be offended, but yeah if it was from friends/people who really understand, maybe I wouldn't. I'm fairly new to considering myself/realising I'm (probably, 99.9999% certain) ace, so it's only something I'm thinking about in a hypothetical way, rather than anything that's happened to me (as I'm not out). And I still haven't 100% figured out how I feel about the word, I guess. But I've been thinking about it a lot, that's for sure! I'm interested to read other's opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLeafBunny Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 With people whom I'm not out to, I don't quite mind as much (or at the very least I keep any discomfort with the label "straight" to myself - I mean romantically speaking they're not wrong). However with people I'm out to it's understandably a little different. Granted, the only folks I'm really out to with whom this has been a problem is my family. As far as they're concerned, I just haven't found the right person yet and therefore am straight. At this point though I've given up on correcting them. I love them but when it comes to orientations other than heterosexuality they can be rather closed-minded. I don't use the term straight for myself when I'm around people I'm out to, but to those in not out to its admittedly simpler than giving a vocabulary lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm not sure. As someone who is almost certainly heteromantic, I would probably still carry a lot of 'straight' privilege, I guess? Yeah, while I don't like being called straight, I definitely recognize that I benefit a lot from straight privilege Link to post Share on other sites
JAKQ7111 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm not sure. As someone who is almost certainly heteromantic, I would probably still carry a lot of 'straight' privilege, I guess? Yeah, while I don't like being called straight, I definitely recognize that I benefit a lot from straight privilege Well, yes and no. There are a lot of things about being asexual in and of itself that take away straight privilege. This is kind of like saying bi or pansexual people who for whatever reason mostly end up dating people of their opposite gender have straight privilege. Bi, pan, and ace people all face some pretty serious erasure, among other things that your run-of-the-mill heterosexual/romantic would not have to deal with. It's not like you see too many straight people growing up feeling broken or like there is something wrong with them due to their sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellamerre Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Personally, I feel like part of me doesn't really have any right to be upset because technically part of me is, what people view as, straight. On the other hand, it feels like by calling me straight they attempt to hide or erase the asexual part of me and even though I know that they are fine with my asexuality it still bothers me. Plus the word straight in society is so closely related to the idea of sex that it makes me uncomfortable. If it was just random people on the street assuming that I'm straight I wouldn't really bother me, it's more of the fact that they are close friends of mine that I'm out to who still call me straight no matter how I try and explain why it bothers me. Basically I guess what I want to know is if I'm just being silly and making a deal out of nothing. Also I want to know if anybody else has had any similar experiences and how it made them feel. I know the feeling. I'm not interested in being called straight anymore since sexuality is tied to it so closely. I want to be understood as me, not some variation of straight. Just kind a feels like if someone else wants to label me as straight then they just want to write me off as something that they understand rather then actually understanding me. And then yeah, when I called myself straight I always felt like I was lying to myself and those around me because I didn't want to do a lot of what straight people are expected to do and to like. It just felt wrong, like I was trying to fit into a mold that was both too small and too big and all around not the right shape for me. You could try to lay out for them in really simple terms how everyone has a sexual orientation and a romantic orientation. Like "If there where a quiz that asked are you sexually attracted to men, women, or neither, my answer would be neither. But if there were a quiz that asked are you romantically attracted to men, women, or neither, my answer would be men." Bottom line you get to choose what labels you like best and feel fit best for you and they need to respect your choice. They do not make you who you are. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
whocaresthough Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'd hate being called straight. I hate being called straight by strangers, and I totally understand why they'd think so, but it would make me awfully distressed when a friend I've come out to said so. I mean, for me it took sooooo much physical and emotional effort to come out to only two of my best friends, and if they were to totally disregard the fact that I tried so hard on telling them, then, yes. I'd be extremely mad. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Eh, I consider the homoromantics "straight". Sorry. #sorrynotsorry Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Eh, I consider the homoromantics "straight". Sorry. #sorrynotsorry Hummmm... So heteroromantics are gay ? Link to post Share on other sites
Custos Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Because I'm not out to a lot of people and don't much want to tell everyone yet, if ever it needs to come up, I simply say I'm "hetero". I'm certainly not "straight" because if I was, why would people react that way to my explanations of my asexuality? They clearly see my interests as different to theirs (they are straight) therefore I am not straight and would rather not be called it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It doesn't bother me, honestly. If someone is trying to use it in an attempt to outright deny my sexuality (or lack thereof), then they are someone I don't need in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Eh, I consider the homoromantics "straight". Sorry. #sorrynotsorry Hummmm... So heteroromantics are gay ? Haha sorry, I meant... I consider heteroromantics to be straight. And I'd say it their faces, even. :) Link to post Share on other sites
R_1 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Eh, I consider the homoromantics "straight". Sorry. #sorrynotsorry Hummmm... So heteroromantics are gay ? Haha sorry, I meant... I consider heteroromantics to be straight. And I'd say it their faces, even. :) What about those who are strongly heteroaesthetic? LIke me who likes to look at women and their forms? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's the conventionally hetero relationships that make a person straight. What type of sex / how often really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you're straight. Besides, men and women barely fucking but being emotionally tangled is a story as old as the Bible. I have no idea how men and women entered into traditional hetero relationships using sex only for procreative purposes for thousands of years and now suddenly that counts as queer? No no no. Sorry but no. It's literally the most traditional form of relationship we have in modern society. Link to post Share on other sites
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