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Possibly Aro/Ace and a little disturbed by the discovery


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LaruelOsprey

So I always figured I never dated or played with romantic ideas because I was too busy with work and college. Figured I'd wait until I graduated before I considered relationships because I didn't have the time to dedicate to a relationship while I had so much going on. Now I'm graduated, but nothing's changed. But now that I seriously sit down and look back on my life, I don't think anything has EVER changed.

I've never had romantic thoughts before, I've never developed crushes, and the only time I feel sexual urges is when I specifically decide to think about hot daydreams or when my bladder is full enough to be pushing against my g-spot. Never had sexual daydreams about guys I know or hot guys, real or otherwise, even movie stars. I can look at a hot guy and appreciate his aesthetics, but that's the extent of it.

Any romantic ideas I've ever toyed with were fictional romances. I can daydream great romance scenes, kisses and such. But, when I really try to press it beyond kissing, it gets harder. Sexual daydreams between fictional characters is hard to play out in my head and is usually rushed or skipped over. And NEVER, or at least rarely, do I ever place myself in these daydreams. I literally cannot imagine myself having sex. I've tried and it always weirds me out.

After watching my sisters for years develop crushes, come home heartbroken and sobbing over the guy they like getting a girlfriend, struggle for months to move on before falling into the same routine with another guy later on, I've begun to wonder about myself. I've never had a single crush. Never liked a guy, not even the cute ones. Only guy I ever kissed was the one that asked me out to Prom, and the only reason I even kissed him was because my mom told me you kiss the guy who asks you out to Prom. Even then it was a peck on the lips.

I can count on both hands the amount of times I went out to dinner and movies with ALL the guys who've ever asked me out that I agreed to. I can tell you right now that I've never gone on a date before. Dating implies that I am seeing a guy exclusively, and repeatedly, because I like him a lot. Only reason I agreed to half those outings was because I really wanted to see the movie and have someone to talk to about it with.

I've always been a bit of a loner, preferring to stay at home rather than visit the mall or anything else. Never had friends, though I have many acquaintances. I'm a big introvert and don't do well in social settings. I always figured that's why it was so hard for me to get a guy. Now I'm realizing more often than not that I'm simply not interested. Even when I meet a guy that I click with, the only reason I want to go out with him is because I want to spend more time with him. That's it. I don't want to kiss him, hold him, cuddle with him or anything, I just want to hang out and talk.

I've always been very accepting of the LGBT community. First gay guy I ever met was in High School and the moment he told me I was like "Oh, okay." Didn't bother me in the least, didn't make me uncomfortable or anything. I was later very happy with this as I didn't realize at the time the type of opposition gays constantly meet. So after browsing all the LGBT tumblr posts to educate myself and show support, I came to look a little closer at the extensions of LGBT, including Asexuality, Demisexuality, Aromantic, etc. I thought I was Demisexual, convinced that I didn't harbor sexual or romantic feelings because I didn't spend enough time with anyone to develop it. But after watching my sisters get huge crushes on movie stars and what not, I began to wonder if I simply lacked a sexual or romantic drive altogether.

Entertaining the idea that I may be Asexual or Aromantic, or both, wasn't an enlightening experience. It wasn't a happy discovery. It makes me feel depressed more than anything. Children are raised to believe that one day they'll find 'the one,' settle down, have kids and build a wonderful loving family. I've had this in the back of my head my whole life. I just put off relationships because I wanted to get my life prepared for it first. I wanted a good career and be financially well off to be able to support a family. Now I have both, and I still couldn't care less about getting a decent date. More often than not, the longer I went out with someone, the more I began to feel uncomfortable with them.

So now here I am, believing that there's a good chance that I may be an Aro/Ace, and struggling to figure out what I should do with my life. I like being alone, but I don't know if I'm lonely. Should I even bother to date if I can't reciprocate feelings? I don't even know if I WANT kids and a family. It was always one of those...expectations that every kid has when growing up. Age 16, get your drivers licence. Age 18, smoke, vote and M rated games. Age 21, drinking. Upon graduating High School, attend a college and get your degree. Find a guy to marry and start a family. Get a good career. Buy your own home. Etc. In fact, it always felt like more than an expectation, but more of a requirement.

So I've built my life with these expectations, and I've got a good chunk filled out already, but now that I'm looking at relationships, I don't know if I can have one, or if I'd even make a good partner. I don't even think I want to have a family with someone who accepts that I'm aro/ace. Kids are freaking perceptive, and I know for a fact that they can tell when their parents don't love each other. That affects them. A family should be those who love each other deeply and support one another, not strangers who figured out how to co-habitate comfortably. I doubt my ability to love, to feel it and express it. I read about 'squishes' and stuff, but I don't know. It doesn't help that I'm not very social.

TL;DR, I think I'm an Aro/Ace and I'm feeling disturbed that I can't have, don't want, won't ever have a relationship that will eventually develop into a family. Should I even have relationships? I don't think I want relationships, but having a family has always been a goal, so if I knock it off my list of goals...I don't even know how to word this properly, but I'm feeling weird, sad, disappointed and feeling that I'm missing out on a lot of great things because I can't feel these emotions properly. I don't even know what I'm asking for, but if you have anything to offer I appreciate the support.

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If it's any consolation I can totally see where you are coming from.

I feel like my fantasy is to have those things, but in reality I just don't want them.

I want to want dating. I want to be attracted to people but I don't know how to be.

Plus I never know how much society plays into it. Being aro/ ace sure is confusing....

You aren't alone :D

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Rockblossom

It can be confusing when you try to sort out what you want vs. what society/family/friends/strangers on the street have decided is what you are supposed to want. It's understandable that it may make you a little doubtful and depressed. I hope you can work past that and see the positive.

In our society, love/companionship/sex/children/family is sold as a package deal, no items allowed separately. In reality, they are all separate things that may or may not go together. If you start looking at them more like a Chinese menu rather then the Blue Plate Special, it may be easier to sort out what you really want. You can have a family if you want a family. Have children if you want, or don't if you don't. You can have friendship, companionship, and love without sex, though finding it may not be easy. Or like some of us old aro-aces, you can decide that freedom has its own perks.

But the beginning is taking an honest look at your life, deciding what your goals really are (rather than what you were taught they should be) and letting go of the 'supposed to's you don't want. Like spring cleaning your mental wheel house. Take some time to let it air out. Have some cake. :cake:

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I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation, it must be really hard to look at what you think you're supposed to want and realize maybe it isn't what you actually want.

If you live in a suburban area then it's even harder since the typical "american dream" is in full force there, complete with the white picket fence.

Your disappointment of your current predicament is understandable since until recently you had a map of sorts in your head that you've been following, now this sudden discovery turns everything askew.

Nonetheless I don't think you should give up on your plans alltogether, aro/ace relationships are abundant and founded on different things in comparison but they are not any less true than others in my opinion.

Why would you start a family with somebody you didn't love? Not all love needs to be expressed the traditional way I mean, although the only thing you want from someone you are interested in is talk, it's still an indication that that person is a little bit special in your eyes, right?

I'm not aro so just take this as a personal thought, but I would think in an aro/ace relationship what counts is that you enjoy eachothers company and have an agreement as to your relationship, whatever that may be. I'm guessing, just as you love a friend, you would love your aro/ace partner dearly. From there, if you wish, you could build a family.

At the end of this video the girl says "the difference between a friend and an asexual partener is pretty close" I'm not sure if she's aromantic as well as asexual but this video resonated with what I mean.

Allow yourself to be confused and uncertain, hope you feel better.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Hi Laurel, what you've described sounds very similar to my own life. Never dated in high school or college either. I grew up thinking that I would some day get married and have children. I forced myself into dating to obtain these goals but never felt right about it. I decided to take some time and really think about why that was. It was kind of like peeling away layers of an onion. About five years ago, I figured my holdback was that I didn't truly want children. Great! Let me restrict my searching to only women who also don't want children (which is about 20% of them apparently).

It was until recently when I discovered, I really don't want a relationship at all. I didn't know the term at the time, but apparently I am aro. I read an awesome book called "Singled Out" which I highly recommend for you, about single living and "singlism" which is discrimination against single people. That was another layer peeled away.

There was one last layer to that onion though. I just don't care to have sex either. Well, now it's all making more sense. No more onion to deal with. ;)

I'm curious how old you are. I am now 37 and feel very late to coming to this revelation. I wish I had understood it much earlier, because I would have made different plans, or at least better informed plans with my life. Here's the great news about it. You are free! Now that you know this, you can do whatever the hell you want to with your life. You'll get pressure from your family. They'll ask why you don't have someone in your life. But, you can learn to deflect those questions, or perhaps come out one day as aro-ace (which I hope to do some day).

I hope you continue to reply here. I feel like we have a lot in common.

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I am aro ace and let me tell you, the Hubby/wifey/2.5 kids and 3 dogs thing is bogus. it's the cause of so much heartache, nonsense, drama, and other horrible things that I think it's even a bit unfair for "society" to sell this to people. i checked off a LOT of similarity between us, and I'm not so sure I'd have made the same life choices if I knew this orientation was a "thing" twenty-some years ago.

What actually helped me is that I'm militantly childfree and have taken surgical steps to ensure that. So i really never had that pull for that whole thing to begin with.

I often worry about the future. However, i am a theist and I have my faith. i know that sounds cheesy but I have come to rely on it through some excellent advice from some caring people. I don't think I want a "relationship" and will NEVER initiate one myself (even friendship I have trouble with as my friendships have mostly ended badly) but on the other hand if one presents itself that I approve of I won't say no. Until then I like my quiet, boring life.

The advice of others was good...keep hanging out here and reading and posting thorugh the confusion...it's a nice place here. and make sure to hit the virtual :cake: buffet.

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I relate both a lot to what you said and not at all, haha, what a paradox. For me, I'm constantly day-dreaming (well, night-dreaming, before I go to bed) about romance, but like you, kissing is the extent. Haven't crushed on anyone either and am also an introvert...I have two friends I'm really close to, a few acquaintances and that's about it. Anyways, if you end up figuring it out, let me know. :) Because I'm still stuck in the maybe-I-am/maybe-I'm-not phase. T_T

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LaruelOsprey

Wow, thanks for the support everyone. It's really nice to see similarities like these. I don't know how I feel about this still, but it's nice to know some people are willing to listen while I try to figure things out. I can't really talk to my parents about this because while I love them and they love me, I can't tell if I want to have a family or not, and I feel like I'd make them sad about losing out on grandkids and worrying about my happiness because I wouldn't have my own family and would essentially be on my own. They'll always support me and be there for me, but this is something we've all kinda been booking on, and to just tell them as well as myself that I don't know if I want to have a family would be weird and disheartening. I'm still working things out. I'm still a big recluse and it seems I just want to avoid relationships in general, and not just boyfriends but also friends in general. I can't tell if I'm just scared or what. All I know is, is that I don't have feelings or desires to be with men in sexual or romantic ways. That's it. Don't know if there's more to it, it might require a lot more digging. So thanks to those who help me while I continue trying to figure it all out.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Laurel, it sounds like you might be an only child. I could see that putting a lot of extra pressure on you to have kids of your own. But try to remember that having children just to please somebody else (even your parents) is not a very good reason. You should have children because you think you will love them and you crave to raise and take care of another person. It sounds like a huge responsibility with lots of sacrifice, so you should have 100% control over that decision.

I recently told my mother that I had no interest in having kids. It was something I dreaded talking to her about but she was perfectly OK with it. I do have a nephew, so that may have made things a wee bit easier than in your case. But, it might be best if you could do the same with your mother. I wouldn't say "I am definitely never having children" but instead say "I don't want to have children now. It's unlikely but that might change in the future". You might find out that she just wants you to be happy, and she thought having kids would have made you happier. And if she is persistent that you grant her grandchildren so she gets to be a grandmother, well sorry but that's a very selfish reason.

As far as your aversion to friends, I have found that my friends have surpassed every expectation I've had of them. They've been there for me in difficult times and been excellent sources of both fun and advice. I hope you can find a way to make some friends soon.

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I just wanted to add, there are different types of love rather than platonic love. If you did want to have a family with say, someone who you were completely platonic with who also wanted to have kids, and you two genuinely loved each other, just like how you said, children are perceptive. They'd know you two loved each other. (This is only if you really wanted to have a "nuclear family" you know?)

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whocaresthough

I feel bad for you and people who feel like you. I was very lucky, and still am, because I dislike people. I will dislike a stranger until I fully meet them or get to understand them (or if they make an attempt to understand me or have a conversation with me about something I like), and this super helps me to get along, being glad I don't have a relationship (or disappointed that I do). This helps my self esteem get to neutral.

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