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So I had "the talk" with my mother and...


chicken_legs

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chicken_legs

Hi y'all!

New here. So, I think I'm ace: I'm 24, virgin, never had a real boyfriend, kissed only a handful of guys (and never really enjoyed it, I mean, your tongue? In my mouth? gross); I tried online dating but it didn't work out, it felt like a boring task and frankly a waste of time. I find the idea of sex utterly disgusting. I've never been in love.

I'm not 100% sure I'm asexual. Heck, I can't even wrap my head around the whole concept- I found out about it only a few months ago. I might be a bit traumatised, or repressed (catholic upbringing and all), or even too ugly to get any - I don't think I'm unattractive but, hey, that's only my opinion. Anyway, all I know is that right now I'm not looking for sexual or even romantic partners.

A few weeks ago I tried to explain all that to my mother, and it didn't go well. We're extremely close: she's a beautiful, intelligent, open-minded person but, unfortunately for me, very sexual too. She keeps pestering me about boys and it's incredibly annoying. Most of our conversations are like

me: "I went to the shop to buy bread"

mum: "Ooh! Did you meet anyone interesting?"

Literally all the time. When she came visiting I told her all I read about asexuality, how it is a real thing that other people experience too, how I'm perfectly happy and I don't need anyone to "complete me".

Well, she laughed at me and suggested I see a psychologist.

That kind of broke something between us. We never talked about it again, but I feel like I can't really trust her anymore. I totally expected her to be supportive, but she didn't even make an effort to listen. She just automatically assumed I am lying to myself, that I'm just "scared of men", that I don't feel attractive enough, that I have no self esteem.

I haven't "come out" to any of my friends as I'm not actually sure I'm ace. At this point, I doubt any of them would believe me.

Any of you had a similar experience?

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Randomchaos

I haven't come out to my parents and don't plan to. I don't think my mom would laugh at me, but she would lecture me about how I'm just not meeting the right guys, or maybe we should wait to talk about it after the hormone testing I'm scheduled for in July, so.... Yeah I'm sorry that your mom wasn't supportive :( I did come out to a friend but she just lectured me about how I just hadn't met the right guy lol. I still talk to her I just don't bring up the subject. I am planning on coming out to two of my friends, and since during the time before I started taking medication for bi-polar disorder they were supportive of me thinking I might be maso (which I'm sure I'm not now.) they should be okay with me being ace. I'll let you know if you want later :) also if you need a person to just listen every now and then feel free to PM me :)

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me: "I went to the shop to buy bread"

mum: "Ooh! Did you meet anyone interesting?"

First thought: "Yes! There was this one loaf that was so perfectly shaped, just the right tan. And the slices! I could visualize us making the perfect sandwich together."

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Ugh. Whenever I've told someone in my family, I've gotten responses like

"You just haven't met the one yet."
"I'm glad you're 'asexual' at your age."

"Oh, I was 'asexual' at your age too."

And this happened not long ago with my cousin whom I am close with:

Her: "So, have you met any cute boys yet? Do you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "No, I told you this before, it hasn't changed, and it likely won't change. I'm asexual."
Her: "Eh, I was just wondering if anything had changed."

And even my friends, friends I think I can trust, have said things like "I honestly think it's just a phase" or "you're just young and confused" or "you can't know for sure until you've experienced it."

I've gotten pretty much every comment in the book. At this point, it's best to just ignore them.

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GwendolynAngel83

I have yet to have any real negative experience, but a friend of mine's mother was very similar. She got angry about it and told her that she was too young (she's 23), hadn't met the right person yet, that wasn't an actual thing, etc. She was absolutely furious. I think a lot of the problem comes from lack of understanding. People have nice little boxes that they thing the world fits into and they get angry and defensive if things or people don't fit into their boxes. My friend doesn't fit into her mother's boxes in a lot of ways. She hates dressing up or wearing makeup (which is apparently what girls/woman are supposed to do), she's asexual and sex replulsed (and woman are apparently supposed to get married and have kids), she wants to work for a long while and not be a stay at home mother (if she ever adopted kids; and apparently woman are supposed to quit their jobs and be stay at home mothers even if they've spent thousands of dollars to get a degree), and so on.

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i hate how uneducated people treat asexuals my cousin{shes bisexual} had a simalar experience withher grandma she came out to her and her grandma denied her existence and said she was just experimenting my cousin was so sad after because she came out to her first.>:[

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Yeah, my family laughs at me too, and I haven't even told them outright that I'm asexual. Sure taught me a lesson! The last thing I want is to get married and have kids, but everybody thinks I'll change my mind. FALSE. I'm sick of people telling me what I'm supposed to want. Can't we all be ourselves instead?

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I'm glad you were brave enough to bring it up, even though she didn't take it well. Maybe you planted a seed and someday she will understand. How can people learn about asexuality if we never tell them?

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I have experienced the laughter, and to me it is the worst possible reaction. I would prefer anger or disgust -- at least they recognize that asexuality is real. But when they laugh... it's because they think it is a joke. That really hurts...

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Anthracite_Impreza

I have experienced the laughter, and to me it is the worst possible reaction. I would prefer anger or disgust -- at least they recognize that asexuality is real. But when they laugh... it's because they think it is a joke. That really hurts...

This, so much.

OP, my mother and some of my other family gave the initial reaction you received, but gradually most of them have come to realise that I am being serious and it's not going to change. Stick to your guns and tell her, tell her, it's not ok to laugh. It's upsetting and disrespectful. I had to do that, and that was what made some people sit back and think, "hmm, maybe I should be a little more understanding". The sad thing is some people who've never heard of asexuality do think you're joking at first :/

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I think that people laugh at things like that because of disgust/contempt/fear/anger.

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GwendolynAngel83

I think that people laugh at things like that because of disgust/contempt/fear/anger.

While I agree that there likely some people who laugh because of that I think there also people who legibly think we're joking. They're not trying to be rude, they just don't understand. For most sexual people I imago a it's very hard to imagine it being possible to not be interested in sex. They just can't understand that being something that actually exists. So they think you're joking, or (especially if they're older) you're just too young because never being interested. In sex just (in their minds) isn't possible. Or, if you use the word Asexual to start, their mind goes to asexual reproduction and they get confused, which may make them laugh.

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Ugh, I'm sorry that happened. That sounds awful.

I'm sure you know this, but I think it's just a foreign concept to some people. They just can't wrap their head around it. We live in a world that values sex so much, that the idea that someone just doesn't desire it is just.... unheard of I guess.

I can definitely relate to you in many respects. I think my Catholic upbringing might have contributed to my lack of sexuality. And my mom definitely has a tendency to assume I need a relationship. You're experience is pretty much exactly why I worry about opening up to my mom.

Keep a firm stance. Asexuality is very real, despite what anyone tells you :)

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My family have been pretty much alright although I think my dad may have sighed like "Why does it matter?/Another fad thing!" or something. But he didn't SAY anything.

A couple of my friends said "That just sounds like women." :|

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chicken_legs

I think that people laugh at things like that because of disgust/contempt/fear/anger.

While I agree that there likely some people who laugh because of that I think there also people who legibly think we're joking. They're not trying to be rude, they just don't understand. For most sexual people I imago a it's very hard to imagine it being possible to not be interested in sex. They just can't understand that being something that actually exists. So they think you're joking, or (especially if they're older) you're just too young because never being interested. In sex just (in their minds) isn't possible. Or, if you use the word Asexual to start, their mind goes to asexual reproduction and they get confused, which may make them laugh.

YES. I have a friend at work who keeps (jokingly) flirting with me, and laughs so hard when I tell him I don't date, and I never know how to react. I don't want to say anything about asexuality (we already have enough drama at work) but I really wish he would stop. Every time I tell him I don't like boys and I don't like girls he pisses his pants laughing like I'm being silly. So annoying.

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All he needs to know is that you aren't interested in him specifically.

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whocaresthough

I haven't been through anything like that, but I feel that that's what would happen with my mom. I think my dad actually could be aro or even ace, because after he and my mom divorced, he never attempted to get together with anyone, and even when they were married, I don't think I ever saw them kiss. (Wow, is it genetics? XD) Anyway, I think he'd understand me and where I'm coming from a lot more than my mom, but no matter what they think, I'm sure they'd support me. I'm lucky.

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chicken_legs

All he needs to know is that you aren't interested in him specifically.

He's the kind of guy who gets confused by the word "no". tumblr_myfw64689n1rrcahvo4_r2_250.gif

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Blue Phoenix Ace

If want him to stop flirting with you just report him to your boss for sexual harassment. Get turned down once, no foul. Get turned down twice? No, that's not cool anymore.

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