LoveLifeCoach Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Why is it when you come out Asexual, the immediate question involves masturbation? When is it ok to ask anyone that? Link to post Share on other sites
Hardly any Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 'cause asexuality is mysterious and folk don't understand how you can not want sex if genital stimulation is a thing you do.Little do they know, of course, that asexuality at it's core it's not about sex itself but about attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Nymra Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Gahh! How I hate this question! No. Just no. But sadly... they don't know it better ;_; Link to post Share on other sites
Vega91 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I have no idea,it's so annoying. Maybe they want to believe that at least you're "normal" even if you don't wanna screw others. Seems like everyone who isn't cishet gets some stupid, invasive questions about sex or genotalia. Link to post Share on other sites
.,. Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I like being asked question about masturbation in relation to asexuality, really any questions in relation to anything about it, and yes I get them too even if I'm "cishet" (what a term). People go curious in conversation, and I satisfy their curiosities. For each time I explain it, one more person knows the detailed version of what being as asexual is like compared to the options, and if I felt it was invasive and inappropriate, I would tell the person asking some other things instead, some things in close relation, without mainly getting in on masturbation habits. Sometimes I feel like doing that instead, if the asker is a younger individual, or just if I have a bad day. Asking is a natural part of curiosity, and who wouldn't be curious? Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 It's an attempt to invalidate your orientation. The rather silly idea is that, if you masturbate, you're not an asexual but just a sexual who "can't get the real thing" and uses masturbation as a substitute. People who ask that question often don't even realize how incredibly abusive the question is. Link to post Share on other sites
CosineTheCat Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Moved to Asexual Musing and Rants from Welcome Lounge CosineTheCat Welcome Lounge Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Welsh Ace Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think most asexuals experience that kind of question when they tell someone they are asexual and if you dare say "yes" they go "Aha....so you can't be asexual then" or wods along those lines. As in(k)onstant said it is an attenmpt to invalidate asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think I've only (indirectly) been asked this once (I seem to give off innocence vibes thank god), but I'm always conflicted with how I should answer. I'm the stereotypical non-libidoist, sex-repulsed, aro-ace, so somehow I have to explain, no I don't, but you can still be ace and pleasure yourself. That topic makes me uncomfortable though so I don't really want to, but I also don't want to give people the wrong idea :s Link to post Share on other sites
Come_Along_Pond Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I've never really had this problem. But then again, I've never really 'come out'. My friends know, but they all figured it out before I did and not many of them are really into asking a lot of questions. I kinda tell them something, they say 'okay then' and that's the end of the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Otohime Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I hate this question because there is no good answer. Say "yes" and people will use that to say you can't be asexual, because you have a libido that maybe you haven't found the right person, etc. Say "no" and people will use that to tell you that something is medically wrong, because you have a low-libido, that if that was "fixed" you would want sex. Both cases are used to discredit asexuality. I don't generally tell people I'm asexual, but I've had both of those points argued at me (one reason I don't tell people I'm asexual). Now if a person is generally curious and isn't trying to argue a point, okay, but the question still makes me VERY uncomfortable. Even if I say "none of your business," I have this idea that they are thinking about me that way and it freaks me out (I don't like being thought of in any sexual capacity or at least I don't want to hear about it). In most cases, that question shouldn't be asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Calamity Jim Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 The best response is: Do you masturbate? How often and what's your favourite position?It tends to hammer out the 'that was inappropriate' realization. But I think people ask because they get so surprised that instead of thinking or asking more appropriate questions (such as does that mean you have no libido) they ask the most blatant questions they can to see how removed your experience is from theirs. The trans community faces this a lot. We see it even on the news. "Oh. You're trans? So you got ... that... cut off?" People are awful and it is perfectly fine to tell them to step back. It is none of their business if asexuals masturbate. if you want to educate them you can be vague with the 'some do, some don't' and not speak for yourself. But you can also tell them to STFU. Link to post Share on other sites
Prairie Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 If someone claimed that masturbating made me a sexual, then I'd just ask them what I was in the many, many years before I figured masturbation out. Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 The assumption that all trans people are MtoF and post-op really pisses me off. I've been friends with trans people and learned a few things from them, but even when I met the very first one I didn't make stupid assumptions. (Off-topic but it had to be said.) Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I guess one of the good things about getting old(er) is that you don't get asked those kind of questions anymore. I'm amazed that anyone gets asked those kind of question. Is there nothing private? Link to post Share on other sites
LeftyGreenMario Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I've thankfully never encountered this question, but I'd stare at whoever asked that question and say, "masturbation? Can you tell me exactly how you do it?" Or perhaps "I don't know, can you do it?" They're probably going to be awkward and I wouldn't even realize. Honestly, I can't be annoyed at these questions if these questions are phrased in such alien language to me. Link to post Share on other sites
stanACEberatheon Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I guess one of the good things about getting old(er) is that you don't get asked those kind of questions anymore. I'm amazed that anyone gets asked those kind of question. Is there nothing private? So...how do you wank yourself off, left or right hand? Have you ever used a sink plunger? :D Link to post Share on other sites
PrimeNumbers Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I suppose I've never been asked this question. The closest I've had is "do you get turned on?" I appreciated my friend asking this way as it showed he wanted to understand more about asexuality, he was comfortable with asking me about my orientation (he asked other questions as well) but that he knew there was a line which he should not cross. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I guess one of the good things about getting old(er) is that you don't get asked those kind of questions anymore. I'm amazed that anyone gets asked those kind of question. Is there nothing private? Nothing is private anymore, no. I actually have been bothered about my masturbation habits (or, rather, lack thereof) since I was ... 14? Friends would ask, I would say no, they would send me how-tos and instructions and pressure me to try cause "you'll love it! Partners would insist it would make me care about sex and porn. Only reason I even tried it was all the peer pressure to. :s Now I am an adult, everyone bugs me. "What's your favorite vibrator?", "What's the weirdest place you've had sex?" etc, etc. From people I barely know. Or asking if I have tried out this new vibrator they just love. I kinda skirt the questions by just kinda shrugging and staying quiet, so people assume I am just private. Which, typically gets them all grouping up to discuss that stuff and avoiding me, which suits me fine. Means I never make friends with girls though, as I am never part of the "group" due to not joining their sex/masturbation discussions. But, whatever. I just talk video games/comics with the guys instead, they don't ask me personal questions (one of the few times gender roles and differences helps...). But, that's NOT knowing I am asexual. So, I think part of it is, a lot of people DON'T find it inappropriate to discuss that stuff. Especially among your own gender. To them, it's a normal topic. And a lot of people use masturbation as a stop gap between sexual encounters, so they can't get wanting to get off, but not wanting sex. *shrug* If I were coming out, I would probably just say "some asexuals do, some do not". Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I must be lucky, nobody has ever ask me that! STFU is about the only appropriate answer. What I do or don't do in the privacy of my own bedroom is just that, PRIVATE. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 My response: "I don't know. Do you?" Link to post Share on other sites
StarWarsOZ Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I think the reason that non-asexuals go straight to asking about masturbation is because of the word 'asexual.' To anybody who doesn't know much about us and the definition, it would seem asexual would mean that you don't have/like sex, as the a- prefix means 'not, without.' Just like amoral means you don't have any morals.Of course, some people are just using it to be invasive, and to try and discredit your asexuality, but I hope that most of the time it just comes from a misunderstanding of the word 'asexual', that we use to define ourselves. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
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