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I could use some help.


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AceDetective

Hey, guys. I'm new to AVEN (like just joined 5 minutes ago new) and I was hoping some of you may be able to provide some insight into what exactly I'm feeling. I've never been on a site like this so I'm a little nervous, but I figured I should really give this a shot. I have been struggling with figuring out my sexual orientation for several years now and I'm hoping that someone who knows a little more than I do would have something helpful to say? I'm not sure but I'm going to go ahead.

I've had the feeling that I was asexual for a little over a year now. Now, the short amount of time is mainly due to the fact that I hadn't even heard of the word until fairly recently. I've definitely known for a long time (at least 5-6 years) that there is definitely something different about me (I'm only 18 now.)

So, one thing that I think has definitely affected me and my sexual orientation is the fact that I became sexually active at a very young age. I was around 12 years old when i had sex for the first time. My boyfriend at the time really really wanted to, and I'm not saying he forced me, but my decision came mainly from the fact that he had had another sexual partner previously and I didn't want to disappoint him and/or be "less good" than her I guess? I know it's really silly but I was very very young and my boyfriend at the time was very persistent and the thought of not being with him anymore was like the end of the world to me.

Now, even before I had sex, I noticed certain things that were a little strange. Sometimes, I just really didn't want to kiss. And this wasn't like a once in a while sort of occurrence, it was almost every time I was with him that this would happen. And it wasn't a sort of "I don't feel like it" feeling, it was this weird sensation where it just didn't feel right. And this feeling still happens to me today with my current boyfriend.

I think that being pressured into doing sexual things at a young age was certainly scarring for me, especially seeing as my relationship ended up being abusive and there was a lack of trust and many other things that led to a lot of trauma and heartbreak. I didn't fully move on from that relationship until the middle of high school. Towards the end of that relationship, though, I felt nothing for the boy that I was with. We had hurt each other so much that I literally just didn't have it in me to love him anymore. That said, we were still sexually active, and that was probably the most damaging thing for me. This is so embarrassing and weird to say, but after we would have sex, I would get intensely depressed and cry and be ashamed of myself for having sex with him. I regretted it to the point where I would ball my eyes out for as long as an hour sometimes just thinking about what a mistake I had made. Now, I can't say for sure why I got so depressed. It could have been because of my dislike for sex in general, or it could have been because I knew I didn't love him. I honestly don't know.

I'm with a different guy now (we've been dating for almost 3 years) and he is probably the most kind and gentle person ever. I know for a fact that he would never ever pressure me into anything I didn't want to do. About a year ago, I told him that i think I might be asexual, and he has shown nothing but support for me. That being said, we are sexually active. But...I can't decide if I want to be or not. It's a huge struggle for me because my mind and my body are polar opposites. I know for a fact that I have no interest in people's bodies and haven't felt sexual attraction to to a person before, but I know that I have the ability to become aroused. If I had the choice, I would choose for my body to not experience arousal due to the fact that I hate the idea of sex and I don't find it necessary.

Unfortunately, I still do get very depressed and uncomfortable after sex, so I often feel conflicted before having it with my boyfriend because I know what will happen afterward. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I don't think that having sex with him is disgusting or anything, but I just don't think I like the idea of sex period.

This was a really jumbled post and I'm not sure if it made any sense but I guess the question I have is...Am I asexual? I know for a fact that I fall somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality, and I have felt very strongly for a while now that I'm asexual, but I suppose my fear is that I won't be accepted as asexual because I am sexually active. I think a lot of people assume that asexuals look the same. Most people think that none of us have sex and are shocked to see that we have romantic relationships with people who aren't asexual (like in my case), and it's just simply not true. I guess my main fear about this is not being accepted in the asexual community. I know that i'm not cupiosexual because I don't exactly enjoy, want, or see sex as necessary. I've considered that I might be demisexual because I don't have as much of a problem having sex if it's with someone I love and trust, but I just sort of identify with asexuality more.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure if this made sense to anybody because it hardly made sense to me. But like...are my feelings valid? Can I still be considered asexual and welcomed into the community even though I feel this way?

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nerdperson777

You could be asexual. You are not sexually attracted to any of the boyfriends you had, correct? No desire to actually have sex with them? That's what being asexual is. I don't think you are demi from what you've said. And your not wanting to kiss them could be a romantic or a sensual thing so might be something to look into, your romantic and sensual orientation. Sensual orientation isn't a big thing but if you're curious about it. Romantic orientation is the bigger one.

You could be asexual. You are not sexually attracted to any of the boyfriends you had, correct? No desire to actually have sex with them? That's what being asexual is. I don't think you are demi from what you've said. And your not wanting to kiss them could be a romantic or a sensual thing so might be something to look into, your romantic and sensual orientation. Sensual orientation isn't a big thing but if you're curious about it. Romantic orientation is the bigger one.

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I'm in a similar boat to you in some respects. I also had sexual relationships at a young age, one of which was not consensual, and as long as I can remember I've found the idea of sexual intimacy horrible and the thought fills me with terror. I crave emotional initimacy, just not physical, but I don't know if it's that my sexuality is repressed by my experiences (I have some repressed memories also) causing me to feel Ace or if I am inherently ace. I wonder if I can ever know...

Sorry, this wasn't very helpful, just trying to show you're not alone in feeling like this!

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Some people don't like kissing, it's fine. Not common, but there's nothing wrong with you. Though there is the chance that you're not even romantically attracted to them. Are you? Asexuals can have sex, they just don't have the impulse to do so. With such a bad reaction i would strongly suggest to stop forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. You should not feel obligated in any relationship. A relationship is about two people, not just one. Demisexual is feeling sexual attraction after a certain bond, not having a comfort level after a certain bond. People with sexual attraction are aroused by someones presence and then have the impulse/desire to do sexual things to or with that person.

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And just because you're assexual, this doesn't mean that you can't have libido. Some aces, in fact, even like to do sex - after all, we don't have anything physically that could prevent that -, some are indifferent, others are repulsed or have aversion (and I include myself in that category, and I don't have any traumatic experience or any experience at all with that, to be honest, but since I can remember I never liked anything too physical).

The thing about being an ace, is that you don't fell sexual attraction towards nothing, how you fell about doing sex - or not - is a very personal thing (and as was said in here, if you really fells that bad after a sexual act, you shouldn't do that, unless until you understand why you fell this way and can handle with it - not that I am trying to say what you should do or not with your life, but this doesn't seems healthy and what you said made me care about you).

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I feel you strongly, because you might have just explained how I am really. I'm an asexual gay and while I do have sex, I don't feel anything. I have sex with those only I'm attracted to (romantically, or if I like them a bit) but I don't have a desire to have sex, or I'm not attracted by them sexually; and when it comes to having sex I do that because I want to make my partner feel good, I like it when he enjoys something (the most basic example would be kissing, it feels nothing but wet, but I like the intimacy it gives me and my partner). That said, some of the sex acts feel overwhelming to me, and I don't feel relaxed but more tired and/or exhausted after sex. But yeah, sex isn't a need for me.

I don't think I'm demisexual (or graysexual), I may be one of those who they call "cupiosexual" but I'm not sure... so I call myself a homoromantic asexual (an ace of hearts) to solve it. My mind and body are totally opposites, just like you... that's the biggest smilarity I've found indeed, that's how I can understand you really well.

Don't make a big deal about it; be comfy about what you want or not; or else you mind will be bogged. :)

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.I can't decide if I want to be or not. It's a huge struggle for me because my mind and my body are polar opposites. I know for a fact that I have no interest in people's bodies and haven't felt sexual attraction to to a person before, but I know that I have the ability to become aroused. If I had the choice, I would choose for my body to not experience arousal due to the fact that I hate the idea of sex and I don't find it necessary.

I relate to this a lot and i think i know exactly what you are saying but i could be wrong, so i will try to explain how i feel about these things and how i plan to approach them i just hope that this may somehow help also.

My issue is that I am absolutely okay with the idea of sex and open to a lot up until the very moment it is actually happening. I've come to feel like I can't distinguish between wether I actually want sex or feel sort of obligated to want it by my upbringing, social influence or wanting to make my partner happy. I've been struggling with figuring out my own wants and motivations and i feel like this is what you're describing also (though feel free to correct me if i'm wrong).

Anyway, feeling uncertain in that moment is a big issue because it's hard to say a clear no or yes, so either you express your confusion and the situation gets awkward and uncomfortable very quickly, or you decide to go with it and are unhappy afterward. in either case, your partner can't really be blamed for any of it (like you i have a very understanding and communicative partner). And certainly, that is also part of why it's so hard to decide, since either option is somewhat equally undesirable.

Recently i've theorized that i do like some aspects of sex but other things decidedly un-arouse me (e.g. penetration). However, it's very hard to draw a line, especially if your sexual partner doesn't see much difference between any of it. I plan on bringing this up with him soon as soon as i'm sure i've figured most of my issues to a point where i can express them coherently.

Now here is how i plan to fix my predicament and i hope this helps you a little as well:

I plan on outlining what i have said here (including/repeating things that he is already aware of) and, as specifically as i can, list the things i enjoy, and those i not willing to do because they leave me uncomfortable or to a degree repulsed. But since right now i am really bad at being sure of what i want i will also, hopefully gently and without accusations or implications, bring up the concept of enthusiastic consent and how we could incorporate it into our relationship.

I've done a lot of mental preparation and research on all of this because obviously telling your boyfriend that you may be partially repulsed by sex, specifically sex with him, is pretty inflammatory a topic, and i fear that revising the entire concept of consent is very hairy indeed since it implies a lack of proper consent in the past (which i really don't think is the case, in my case). Still, i've arrived at a point (and i think you have too) where this conversation has become necessary and i've done my best to gather as much understanding of these terms and concepts that i can broach the subject as clearly and thoughtfully as i can (though being clear and direct is definitely more important at this point).

oh god this has turned out rather rambly and somewhat self-centered, but in any case, tl;dr: Talk to your partner. Period. And if you feel overwhelmed by the thought of that you really need to do some soul-searching because repeatedly doing something that leaves you unhappy or sad is not rational behavior and you need to examine your true motivations.

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