kinky attraction - is this an ace thing?

[everbreath]

(I posted this in the ace-BDSM thread, but I never got an answer so I thought I'd repost it here with a bit more information)

Is is possible that there's another kind of attraction, like... kinky attraction?

Like, I feel like I'm attracted to people. There's a definite pull that isn't aesthetic or romantic. (I mean, I wouldn't really describe it as a "pull" as much as a "this person could turn me on"). It's based entirely around the physical and emotional characteristics in a person or character that would turn me on if I imagined them in one of my fantasies, which involve power dynamics and vulnerability.

I'm not personally involved in any of these fantasies (it's usually a specific person and a vague/irrelevant second party or group of people) nor would I ever participate or watch them in real life, and there is no sex or genitals involved at all, though the end result is arousal and the goal is sexual in nature.

It feels like attraction. Or, I suppose, what I presume "normal" attraction feels like. Saying that a character is attractive feels perfectly natural, commenting that I find certain characteristics hot or that when characters do certain actions they're super attractive seems like the right terminology, but it just doesn't have to do with sex. When I say X person is attractive, it means "I know that this character would arouse me if I imagined or watched them be in a scenario involving certain dynamics relevant to my kinks/fetishes". Actual sex, my genitals or theirs or any contact between the two, is completely out of my mind.

Is it possible that a "fetish attraction" is a thing? Would this "count" as some form of asexuality?

[TooOldForThis]

I have no idea but this is fascinating.

Don't know about this, but perhaps what you describe might be comparable in some way to how some asexuals enjoy reading erotica/smut or watching pornography, but have no interest in either participating in sex and related activities, or in imagining themselves doing so.

[LadyAlnwick]

Sounds pretty close to asexual fetishism to me, so yup, you're in the grey area for sure :)

[Residentshadow]

Yep, I think you're in the right place. My only question is, is it that you're attracted to the character or the control you have over this character?

[pleurodon]

Hey that is actually a thing I have, too. It's what makes it complicated for me.

I'm aro ace and the only kind of attraction I feel is aesthetic. (Wanting to stare at or draw people.)

But there is a difference in gender. There is a more intense attraction towards guys exclusively (and a very specific type) that still feels aesthetic but

is not just about the looks but also about body language or something. Hard to explain.

So I seperated it for myself in more of an "aesthetic appreciation" (what I feel regardless of gender) and "aesthetic attraction" which is more intense

but also pretty rare.

Thing is, that the second type could be what you described as "kinky attraction". So it can make me imagine those people in specific ("kinky") situation which is why

I think the body language or how I perceive their personality is more important.

I hope that kinda sorta made sense. I'm really bad at putting my thoughts into words...

[everbreath]

I have no idea but this is fascinating.

Don't know about this, but perhaps what you describe might be comparable in some way to how some asexuals enjoy reading erotica/smut or watching pornography, but have no interest in either participating in sex and related activities, or in imagining themselves doing so.

I dunno. It seems that people like that are more act-focused, like they have a pleasurable reaction to reading about the act of sex without importance on the people doing it. What I have is very, very person-focused. I don't think it would work unless I knew enough about a character. Like, I'm into characters begging for mercy and forgiveness as they are faced with images of all of their failures and flaws while being tortured by what they thought were their best friends.

That's like, the "ideal" scenario. Depending on how "hot" the character is and if its a written or visual work (it's easier for me to get turned on watching things than reading them) then it can work for something as small as being punched around a little. But even then, it's still very person centric. The notion of a punch is utterly eh. But when a specific person is punched and reacts in a certain way...

Yep, I think you're in the right place. My only question is, is it that you're attracted to the character or the control you have over this character?

Well, it's not about my control over a character. I'm uninvolved in all of these scenarios, and the notion of me hurting someone else (and getting off on it) is horrible, unappealing, and a complete turn-off, even if I'm assuming the place of another character rather than being me. I'm more of a non-existent entity just being present in the scenario.

But if your question is whether I'm attracted to the character or just the situation they're in/the way they react... I have no idea. If you define attraction as anything to do with actual sex, then definitely no. If it's defined with stuff like arousal, focus, etc... more complicated, not sure.

Hey that is actually a thing I have, too. It's what makes it complicated for me.

I'm aro ace and the only kind of attraction I feel is aesthetic. (Wanting to stare at or draw people.)

But there is a difference in gender. There is a more intense attraction towards guys exclusively (and a very specific type) that still feels aesthetic but

is not just about the looks but also about body language or something. Hard to explain.

So I seperated it for myself in more of an "aesthetic appreciation" (what I feel regardless of gender) and "aesthetic attraction" which is more intense

but also pretty rare.

Thing is, that the second type could be what you described as "kinky attraction". So it can make me imagine those people in specific ("kinky") situation which is why

I think the body language or how I perceive their personality is more important.

I hope that kinda sorta made sense. I'm really bad at putting my thoughts into words...

Yeah, that's another thing with me: I'm pretty much exclusively attracted to men in these situations. Or male-presenting entities. Which makes me think that it is more sexual attraction based, because it has such a defined gender split. And I can't use my romantic orientation as something to base it off of (because they do often match up) because I have some evidence for literally every single romantic orientation, from aro to bi to gay to straight.

On a more psychological tangent: why am I this way? There isn't any childhood event that would have caused sex to be replaced with this, and I have been this way since I was a child. It's utterly unlike who I am as a person and who I would want to be. And yet I'd be six years old and daydreaming about characters getting tied up, captured, kidnapped. They certainly weren't explicitly sexual back then (I started having physical reactions to them in maybe 7th grade?) but it was a weird obsession. Did my kink spawn the obsession, or did my obsession spawn the kink? If the latter, why on earth would I have such a strong interest in this kind of thing literally since I was old enough to remember? Am I just like every other fetishistic person but I also happen to be asexual, or did this kink take the place of sex in my brain?

It's interesting because most of my favorite fictional characters are ones I'm "attracted" to. Sometimes I have a had time separating a love of a character from attraction to it, because the traits I find attractive are also the ones I find most compelling character-wise. All of my favorite plotlines and story arcs to explore are, fundamentally, about the same power differences and powerlessness that turns me on. Dehumanization and fighting to be recognized as having worth, facing your worst nightmares, omnipotent god-like powers... And I know its not that they're my favorite because they turn me on, because they don't; nothing as vague as a plotline dealing with, say, androids fighting to be recognized as having personhood and autonomy, would literally turn me on, it's just a concept I find fascinating. And yet all of these plotlines I find fascinating always have something to do with the same things that turn me on.

Ack, I'm confused.

[pleurodon]

Yeah me too. I've had those fantasies for as long as I can remember. Which is a thing for a lot of kinky people.

So since at that age no one really has a sexual orientation I'm pretty sure that sexual/romantic orientation and kink are two seperate things.

Which makes it especially confusing when you're ace, because you get turned on and so you think it's sexual.

But for me, mostly the scenario comes first and then the character. Which means if I see a scenario I like, the character has to kind of fit into my

type for it to work. But there is a lot of leeway so he doesn't have to be exactly 100% my type.

Then again, if a character (or real person) is perfectly my type, I might imagine them in the right scenario. Or, if it's in a TV-show or movie

or something I'm always hoping for something to happen to them.

Yeah now it got a bit confusing again.

Anyway I think it doesn't help to overthink those things. Just accept it as a sort of attraction you feel and store it somewhere safe until someone

invents a new way to categorize attraction where it fits in.

[Ms.Frankenstein]

I have no idea but this is fascinating.

Don't know about this, but perhaps what you describe might be comparable in some way to how some asexuals enjoy reading erotica/smut or watching pornography, but have no interest in either participating in sex and related activities, or in imagining themselves doing so.

I dunno. It seems that people like that are more act-focused, like they have a pleasurable reaction to reading about the act of sex without importance on the people doing it. What I have is very, very person-focused. I don't think it would work unless I knew enough about a character. Like, I'm into characters begging for mercy and forgiveness as they are faced with images of all of their failures and flaws while being tortured by what they thought were their best friends.

That's like, the "ideal" scenario. Depending on how "hot" the character is and if its a written or visual work (it's easier for me to get turned on watching things than reading them) then it can work for something as small as being punched around a little. But even then, it's still very person centric. The notion of a punch is utterly eh. But when a specific person is punched and reacts in a certain way...

Yep, I think you're in the right place. My only question is, is it that you're attracted to the character or the control you have over this character?

Well, it's not about my control over a character. I'm uninvolved in all of these scenarios, and the notion of me hurting someone else (and getting off on it) is horrible, unappealing, and a complete turn-off, even if I'm assuming the place of another character rather than being me. I'm more of a non-existent entity just being present in the scenario.

But if your question is whether I'm attracted to the character or just the situation they're in/the way they react... I have no idea. If you define attraction as anything to do with actual sex, then definitely no. If it's defined with stuff like arousal, focus, etc... more complicated, not sure.

Hey that is actually a thing I have, too. It's what makes it complicated for me.

I'm aro ace and the only kind of attraction I feel is aesthetic. (Wanting to stare at or draw people.)

But there is a difference in gender. There is a more intense attraction towards guys exclusively (and a very specific type) that still feels aesthetic but

is not just about the looks but also about body language or something. Hard to explain.

So I seperated it for myself in more of an "aesthetic appreciation" (what I feel regardless of gender) and "aesthetic attraction" which is more intense

but also pretty rare.

Thing is, that the second type could be what you described as "kinky attraction". So it can make me imagine those people in specific ("kinky") situation which is why

I think the body language or how I perceive their personality is more important.

I hope that kinda sorta made sense. I'm really bad at putting my thoughts into words...

Yeah, that's another thing with me: I'm pretty much exclusively attracted to men in these situations. Or male-presenting entities. Which makes me think that it is more sexual attraction based, because it has such a defined gender split. And I can't use my romantic orientation as something to base it off of (because they do often match up) because I have some evidence for literally every single romantic orientation, from aro to bi to gay to straight.

On a more psychological tangent: why am I this way? There isn't any childhood event that would have caused sex to be replaced with this, and I have been this way since I was a child. It's utterly unlike who I am as a person and who I would want to be. And yet I'd be six years old and daydreaming about characters getting tied up, captured, kidnapped. They certainly weren't explicitly sexual back then (I started having physical reactions to them in maybe 7th grade?) but it was a weird obsession. Did my kink spawn the obsession, or did my obsession spawn the kink? If the latter, why on earth would I have such a strong interest in this kind of thing literally since I was old enough to remember? Am I just like every other fetishistic person but I also happen to be asexual, or did this kink take the place of sex in my brain?

It's interesting because most of my favorite fictional characters are ones I'm "attracted" to. Sometimes I have a had time separating a love of a character from attraction to it, because the traits I find attractive are also the ones I find most compelling character-wise. All of my favorite plotlines and story arcs to explore are, fundamentally, about the same power differences and powerlessness that turns me on. Dehumanization and fighting to be recognized as having worth, facing your worst nightmares, omnipotent god-like powers... And I know its not that they're my favorite because they turn me on, because they don't; nothing as vague as a plotline dealing with, say, androids fighting to be recognized as having personhood and autonomy, would literally turn me on, it's just a concept I find fascinating. And yet all of these plotlines I find fascinating always have something to do with the same things that turn me on.

Ack, I'm confused.

I don't have the answers but you're not alone, because what you just described is me in a nutshell.

[scarletlatitude]

It is definitely a thing. If it applies to sexuals, why not to asexuals too? You can like it and not want to act on it.

Don't concern yourself with "is this normal" or "wow I sound weird". We're all a little weird. We all like different things. It doesn't say anything about you personally. I happen to really dislike strawberry ice cream. That doesn't mean I hate strawberries or that I had a bad experience with strawberries. I just don't like it. The same thing can be said for sexuality. If you like kinks, then you like kinks. Plain and simple. Other people may not like kinks.

Personally I like really introverted men who are smart and barely sexual at all. That is my level of kink. I'm as kinky as a concrete slab. :P