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Ramifications of living a Lie


Holly Hobbie

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Holly Hobbie

I'm wondering if others have tried to live their life as a non-asexual and how that has affected them?

I'm nearing the end of my thirties, I've ranged from the sex averse to sex repulsed but thought that I was wrong and pretended to be 'like everybody else'. I've had sexual relationships and found it all very confusing and rather damaging.

I have read that some asexuals don't mind sex or it's even good, they just don't seek it out. I find it feels like I've been violated, but thought it was the 'payment' that had to be made for a relationship. I sort of wanted relationships, but not for sex, I wanted attention, to be loved, to be special, to appear normal - the usual.

I grew up with severe anxiety disorders and also a bit weird, thought all the stuff I so didn't want to do (all stuff not just sex related) was to do with fear or ocd or ptsd but as I've gotton older I've found a whole lot of that stuff I plain just don't want to do. I'm not interested one little bit.

It may sound a bit dramatic, but having sex when my entire being was screaming NO! I dunno, it just feels horrible, like I betrayed myself over and over.

Does anyone else feel like this?

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Missing in Action

Hi. I can relate completely. I could have written your post myself. All of it. I've tried so hard for so long and I can't do it any more. I do feel like I betrayed myself and was never my authentic self with my partners...which is an integrity issue as well...

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allrightalready

yes when i first moved away from my parents i was active really just in an attempt to find some affection but it left me empty. it took years but i finally have reached the point where i only open myself to people who pass tests

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  • 3 months later...
Pirate Prince/ess

Your angst is so familiar. I, too, had sex with my partners/spouses because I thought I had to, that it was expected, it wasn't something where I was allowed to say "no."

The upside: Coming to the realization I'm asexual has been enlightening, uplifting, and more freeing than anything I've experienced before. The ability to say "no" and mean it - what a powerful feeling! And I'm not broken; what I'm feeling isn't wrong. In my world I. AM. NORMAL.

The downside: I'm a romantic at heart and a very touchy-feely person. It throws those who know I'm asexual. A lot of them are puzzled with me being "sexual orientation of no" but able to be "romantically attracted" to someone.

So for me, life in the fast lane has been a bit lonely. Not bad; I'm glad to KNOW I'm asexual. It just would be nice to connect with someone who's also only looking for somewhat intimate companionship. I really miss snuggling, holding hands, smooching every now and then.

Positive thinking, yeah? I have to believe it'll come. For you, too, so please hang in there. ☺

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I've definitely been in multiple situations where I pretended to like sex for the sake of fitting in. I always hated myself for it because I don't like lying, but I was way too worried about other people thinking I was wrong/a freak for not thinking the same as them. I just wanted to fit in and I didn't want to draw any unnecessary negative attention to myself.

Luckily I dropped the act before I got myself into any actual sexual situations. I don't know if I'd even be able to pretend to like/want sex then. It's easier when you're just talking about it in a conversation. Facing the act itself is a whole different story.

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Hello everyone. I can say from experience that pretending never works. I didn't figure out I was asexual until I was in my mid twenties, but I got married at 19. I remember thinking "will I be able to keep this up?" And at 19 the answer was a resounding YES! At almost 30 I have seen the errors of my ways. Lol. I just thank God that my husband is understanding and loves me for who I am. :)

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Yes, I lived until last year as a cis-gendered heterosexual. The eternal dream of my signature. I hid myself from myself and ran away from reality. Then the time came when I could run no more, I could no longer hide, and came crashing back into the real world.

It wasn't pretty. Panic attacks, insomnia, depression or low mood, suddenly bursting into tears in public, behaving strangely and irrationally. I basically lost three weeks of my life, other than diary entries I just lost them. It was a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

The worst of it is that for all that times the normally sociable extrovert had become cold, selfish, egotistical and uncaring.

The discovery when I had reformatted myself as agendered asexual that I could actually feel normal emotions for the first time in three decades was frankly scary.

I think many have lived the lie, either because we couldn't or wouldn't face reality.

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I'm in my early 30's, but just recently came to the realization that I'm asexual. I think for me it was a combination of ignorance and upbringing. I dated a lot, but the relationships never lasted very long and never got to the point of sex. I was always uneasy and averse to sex, but I attributed it to the fact that I was raised Christian and taught that pre-marital sex was a no-no. I always used the excuse "well, this person just isn't marriage material" to break off the relationship very early. I just kept brushing my aversion off as not having found the right person. So, I was in a relatively short relationship with a man this past summer and it was probably one of the most traumatic relationships I've ever been in. He put so much pressure on me that I developed body image issues and lost some control of what was and was not acceptable for my own body. I did break it off fairly quickly because I KNEW we weren't right for each other (and I no longer trusted or felt safe with him). That was the turning point for me. I started spending a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me - why were my relationships so short? Why hadn't I found "the right person?" Why was I so uncomfortable in every single dating situation? After a conversation with an old friend that turned to a discussion of different sexual and romantic orientations, I fired up Google, did a search, and came across AVEN. It blew my mind! I started thinking back to every dating relationship I'd ever been in and the pieces started to fall into place. Like Pirate Prince/ess, this has been freeing in a way, but I'm still struggling with coming to terms with a new identity; I'm having anxiety attacks and little moments of tears. In a way I'm grieving - the loss of an admittedly wrong identity - but still a loss of what was a part of me for a long time. I suppose it will get easier, but I'm way into my adult life (and I've always had an adult mentality) and I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Sorry this was so long-winded, but I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm still wrestling with the ramifications of who I was was versus who I am now.

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Autumn Sunrise

Welcome, DangerFive :cake::cake::cake: Take your time; it's not easy coming to terms with such a big change, but it will get easier, and there are lots of people here whose stories will resonate with yours.

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DangerFive welcome to AVEN 🎂. You're right, it does get easier with time. Many of us have been in similar situations

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When I was dating in high school and college, I assumed that I just hadn't met the right person because I was not interested in sex. Sex wasn't going to happen until I was married anyway. So it was an easy excuse. When I met my 1st husband, everyone told me that I would feel different on my honeymoon. So, I was really never concerned, I thought nature would take it's course. The honeymoon came and went and my feelings never changed. Although I was okay with not having sex, my husband on the other hand was devastated. The entire marriage was focused on fixing my problem. We divorced. I met my 2nd husband. At first he was very accepting. But it didn't take long for sex to become the center of conflict. We divorced. I still had no clue about asexuality. I was convinced I was the only one in the world with this problem, dysfunction, disorder, or whatever. I was actually quite embarrassed. The funny thing is I wanted to start dating again. I planned on making up a story about being in some horrific accident causing injury that physically prevented me from having sex!! No more therapists to discuss trauma or me being emotionally distant. I'm not a deceitful person, so I couldn't go through with it. I just accepted that I would spend the rest of my life alone. Shortly after that (last week), I saw a video about asexuality. it was pretty nice to discover that their are people just like me.

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I am struggling again right now, it comes in waves. Sometime I do ok with not being true to myself and sometimes not so much. I'm in a not so much phase right now. It is tiring to always be on guard.

First there is my asexuality. I think it is probably the crux of the matter. Even in my 60's I feel like I need to pretend I am somewhat interested. I'm actually pretty sex repulsed and always have been, but society really frowns on that

Then there is the "I am not interested in kids" part. Honestly no one in my family and no one in my circle of friends can understand this. So, another lie, I limit my exposure to kids, but verbally act differently.

Thirdly, and for me this is huge. I am much more liberal than my Bible thumping/Rush Limbaugh loving friends and family. Again, I can't really be me, I for the most part just work at keeping my mouth shut when the discussion turns to that, which it does pretty much everytime...yesterday when the discussion was repealing Obamacare, I did say something. I said, what is so bad about making health insurance available for all? You could hear a pin drop.

I went home and cried. I never fit in, unless I totally keep my mouth shut, and then what is the point of being friends? getting together? I might as well be home alone with my dog(who appears to agree with me on all of those issues :)). I find it exhausting to monitor everything I say when it is so different from what I think.

When I do speak up I always regret it. It is a no win situation. Sorry to vent, this forum is by far the place I have ever felt the most at home. Everywhere else I feel out of place.

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WoodwindWhistler

It sounds like many of you may benefit from inviting someone to your area to host a Cuddle Party:

http://www.cuddleparty.com/

Go for it!

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Autumn Sunrise

I am struggling again right now, it comes in waves. Sometime I do ok with not being true to myself and sometimes not so much. I'm in a not so much phase right now. It is tiring to always be on guard.

First there is my asexuality. I think it is probably the crux of the matter. Even in my 60's I feel like I need to pretend I am somewhat interested. I'm actually pretty sex repulsed and always have been, but society really frowns on that

Then there is the "I am not interested in kids" part. Honestly no one in my family and no one in my circle of friends can understand this. So, another lie, I limit my exposure to kids, but verbally act differently.

Thirdly, and for me this is huge. I am much more liberal than my Bible thumping/Rush Limbaugh loving friends and family. Again, I can't really be me, I for the most part just work at keeping my mouth shut when the discussion turns to that, which it does pretty much everytime...yesterday when the discussion was repealing Obamacare, I did say something. I said, what is so bad about making health insurance available for all? You could hear a pin drop.

I went home and cried. I never fit in, unless I totally keep my mouth shut, and then what is the point of being friends? getting together? I might as well be home alone with my dog(who appears to agree with me on all of those issues :)). I find it exhausting to monitor everything I say when it is so different from what I think.

When I do speak up I always regret it. It is a no win situation. Sorry to vent, this forum is by far the place I have ever felt the most at home. Everywhere else I feel out of place.

Aqua Blue, I know it's hard feeling so different from the people around you. It sounds as though you don't have a lot of support from your family or friends. Is there maybe a group you could join, where you might find some common interests and opinions, and not have to be on your guard all the time?

At least, here on AVEN, you have people who accept your asexuality and also the fact that not everyone wants to have kids. There are also members with a great variety of political and social opinions, and lots of discussions , e.g. in "Off A" and "Hotbox", that you can join in - or start your own.

We do understand the need to vent, here. *hugs*

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I am struggling again right now, it comes in waves. Sometime I do ok with not being true to myself and sometimes not so much. I'm in a not so much phase right now. It is tiring to always be on guard.

First there is my asexuality. I think it is probably the crux of the matter. Even in my 60's I feel like I need to pretend I am somewhat interested. I'm actually pretty sex repulsed and always have been, but society really frowns on that

Then there is the "I am not interested in kids" part. Honestly no one in my family and no one in my circle of friends can understand this. So, another lie, I limit my exposure to kids, but verbally act differently.

Thirdly, and for me this is huge. I am much more liberal than my Bible thumping/Rush Limbaugh loving friends and family. Again, I can't really be me, I for the most part just work at keeping my mouth shut when the discussion turns to that, which it does pretty much everytime...yesterday when the discussion was repealing Obamacare, I did say something. I said, what is so bad about making health insurance available for all? You could hear a pin drop.

I went home and cried. I never fit in, unless I totally keep my mouth shut, and then what is the point of being friends? getting together? I might as well be home alone with my dog(who appears to agree with me on all of those issues :)). I find it exhausting to monitor everything I say when it is so different from what I think.

When I do speak up I always regret it. It is a no win situation. Sorry to vent, this forum is by far the place I have ever felt the most at home. Everywhere else I feel out of place.

Aqua Blue, I know it's hard feeling so different from the people around you. It sounds as though you don't have a lot of support from your family or friends. Is there maybe a group you could join, where you might find some common interests and opinions, and not have to be on your guard all the time?

At least, here on AVEN, you have people who accept your asexuality and also the fact that not everyone wants to have kids. There are also members with a great variety of political and social opinions, and lots of discussions , e.g. in "Off A" and "Hotbox", that you can join in - or start your own.

We do understand the need to vent, here. *hugs*

Thanks for the kind response. I am feeling better today. I have looked for friends that better suited me, but haven't had much luck. I live in a fairly small town in the upper Midwest(USA) and they are pretty much very conservative and very threatened by anyone not just like them, most of the time I just deal but sometimes it pushes me over the edge. You would think that after all of these years I could do it all the time, lol.

I see you are from Australia, it is somewhere I would like to visit. I went to New Zealand about 30 years ago and wish we had taken a little longer and visited Australia at the same time.

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Not knowing I was asexual was indeed damaging to me, before I knew that asexuality was possibility, I thought I was a very messed up heterosexual, and I secretly blamed myself, my parents, my upbringing, my school, my friends, society and even my first girlfriend for causing me to be such a messed up heterosexual. In reality, my life would have been so much easier if I had known that I was actually asexual and nothing was wrong with that. All that blaming myself and others hurt my relationships with people around me.

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  • 4 weeks later...

i relate very much to your story,im 51been married13 years and have a 10yr old,i have been sexually active and at times have enjoyed it ,untl i married at 38 i never had a reltionship last over 6 mounths and they were mainly romatic at first soon afer sex enter int the picture things ended quick.ealry on in our marrige our sex life when from hot to cold until practically none after our son was born,my wife told me i six months we be done if things didnt change,i always felt that her asking to have sex was a unreasonable demand that had nothing to do with how much i loved her,i was totally unaware of asexuality or greys or demis at the the time so i figured i mucst be gay or bi and told her so she sugested open mariage and i was very relived that i didnt have to have sex with her anymore ,very relived so i trid the open and tred to live as gay and act out on those feelings but afer trying it i have had the same reaction i could do it but when was this gonna be over was the first thought that popped in my head (and was good no doing anything at all, since ive gone long periods of my life without sex and been perfectly fine) which has been there in most every physical encounter i had since i became sexually active recently i found out about aseuxallity and grey -asexaulity and esspically demisexuaality which is what i now identify as,i got a book from a demisexualty site and i fell like most every page was talking about me,i need an emotioal conection to be sexually attracted,i love romace and hugs and kissing but i prefer it only go that far most of the time if i have that emotional connection i need a can feel some sexual attraction.Looking back i on my life now i feel that same sense of betrayal not only to myself but to everyone i mislead by trying ot live up to what i though was my families and everyone elses standards but i know i can help what was past i can only live with what i know now, and now since recognizing i am demiseual(and panromantic)i feel true to myself than i ever have and even feel that i dont need to be in and open marrige anymore ,i do love her but i know she was just making allowances for me and im more that ready to set her free if thats what she wants ,hope this wasnt to much info but i do relate ,hope this helps

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  • 1 month later...
anodyneinsect

I can relate. In my case I was under the notion that I was supposed to have sex because that is what you are supposed to do when you love someone according to popular culture. I am currently in a long distance relationship. I have settled for no intercourse but there is touching in my situation. I am romantically addicted to my SO and I want to make him happy. When I say no he listens so it is not all that bad. If I had of known that there was such a thing as Asexual community before getting involved I may have had a much different life.

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Sorry to hear so much pain. Why is it that everyone must pick a partner and reproduce? I ended up in a marriage of convenience (my other half just wanted a UK passport) and suffered 8 months of violence before the birth of my daughter. Why did I do this to myself? Well, to 'fit in'......never again!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Happy Kitty

Warning: this whole post is entirely TMI and explicit.

So many of your stories resonate with me. I was also the good Christian, and the whole no sex before marriage thing was a restriction that I never found restrictive :lol: I didn't have any boyfriends even though I crushed on several guys in high school. I chalked it all up to being too shy. I eventually met someone in college, and I married him because I loved him and felt called to have children (I remember being in the third grade and just knowing that I'd have babies). Like others have said, I thought marriage would "activate" me, would make me feel the attractions that everyone else wrote poetry, prose, and songs about. Instead, my honeymoon was filled with tears because I couldn't even complete the act

I unconsciously tightened up so much that he couldn't even get inside.

Every time I saw a pregnant woman, I would burst into tears because I thought I'd never be able to have kids. What was supposed to be the happiest time of my life was miserable. I went to doctors who dismissed me and told me that it would get better over time. I guess they were right, as it did go from horrible pain to "only" discomfort. I had two children, and about a couple years after my second, I actually figured out how to like sex. That resulted in my third baby and the relieving feeling that I had actually borne a baby out of the act of love. Until then, I felt like such a failure. Why couldn't love lead to sex for me? Why was none of it natural at all? Why did I have to over-analyze every little interaction? I found out about asexuality a little over a year ago (and after 10 years of marriage). Until then, I thought for sure I was a broken person. I can't say that I was living a lie my whole life, but I was certainly living in ignorance. It's very easy to fly under the radar when you're heteroromantic and a "super Christian" (that's what people would call me, it's not really how I identify-at least not right now anyway). Ever since I found out about myself, I do feel like I'm living somewhat of a lie. My husband knows that I don't get in the mood very often. He doesn't know that he has never put me in the mood, and I don't even know how to explain that to him. How do you tell someone who has that innate pull to you that you don't have that pull to them? That you'll likely never have that pull? That it has nothing to do with them? That you just realized yourself that you don't have that pull? After what will soon be 12 whole years of marriage? For the past year, I have identified as grey because there were a few brief moments in my life where I wanted sex, but recently, I don't even think that fits. I'm pretty sure I'm just straight-up ace since I've never had that urge specifically toward my husband nor anyone else. It was just more of a general urge, but at the same time, I could never have resolved that urge with anyone except him

not even myself

. Or maybe that does make me grey. Yep, how can I possibly explain to someone who assumed for our lives together that I was somewhat "normal," with maybe a lower than average libido, that I'm ace or grey, when I don't even know exactly what I am myself? The dissonance resonates. I try to be there for him in that way, but he knows I'm not all there. He actually thanks me sometimes when we finish, so I know he has an idea of my internal struggles. All I can say is that I'm lucky to have someone who is devoted to me.

I was hoping that writing it out would help me figure out something, anything. Instead, I still feel confused. I can't believe at 35 years old I still know very little about myself. Thanks for listening, if you got through that mess.

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Why was none of it natural at all? Why did I have to over-analyze every little interaction?

I found out about asexuality a little over a year ago (and after 10 years of marriage). Until then, I thought for sure I was a broken person. I can't say that I was living a lie my whole life, but I was certainly living in ignorance.

Ever since I found out about myself, I do feel like I'm living somewhat of a lie.

My husband knows that I don't get in the mood very often. He doesn't know that he has never put me in the mood, and I don't even know how to explain that to him. How do you tell someone who has that innate pull to you that you don't have that pull to them? That you'll likely never have that pull? That it has nothing to do with them? That you just realized yourself that you don't have that pull? After what will soon be 12 whole years of marriage?

For the past year, I have identified as grey because there were a few brief moments in my life where I wanted sex, but recently, I don't even think that fits. I'm pretty sure I'm just straight-up ace since I've never had that urge specifically toward my husband nor anyone else.

Yep, how can I possibly explain to someone who assumed for our lives together that I was somewhat "normal," with maybe a lower than average libido, that I'm ace or grey, when I don't even know exactly what I am myself? The dissonance resonates.

I was hoping that writing it out would help me figure out something, anything. Instead, I still feel confused. I can't believe at 35 years old I still know very little about myself. Thanks for listening, if you got through that mess.

I'm sorry for chopping up your post like this, but I just wanted to pick out the points that SO SO SO resonate with me.

I'm almost 45, married for almost 10 years, realized I'm probably ace-ish a year and a half ago. I'm worried that my wife is literally not capable of understanding. She seems to pretty much close down whenever the subject comes up. She just wants a normal sex life, and I can't say I blame her.

Confused, confused, confused.

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Happy Kitty

polaroid, I'm so happy that places like this exist. Even if no one IRL gets us, at least we have everyone here. There's something very comforting in knowing you're not alone, that you're not the only one living what seems to be so far outside of the box.

You know, I don't really like that phrase "in real life" because even though we haven't met out in the wild we can all form really meaningful relationships here online. And I think we can agree that emotional relationships are where many of us are right at home.

...if that makes sense outside of my head :lol:

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I've been married for over 30 years, and was sexually active for much of that time, though with slim frequency, and I said no a lot! But I'm married to someone I love, and that was why I had sex. I've never had it for any other reason, and when I didn't want it I said no.

I only ever had sex because I thought it was the thing to do. I'm romantic, and aesthetically attracted, intellectually attracted. I never sought sex out, never initiated (well I might have once, just because he complained I never inititated). BUT I didn't even know asexuality was something that existed until my early 50s.

In my opinion, if you don't want sex, whether you're sexual or asexual doesn't matter nearly as much as not wanting to do it. Just don't, if you don't want to. Be true to yourself. Also, if you know you're asexual, be honest with your partner(s) about that. It's only fair. If I had known, things might have turned out way differently, but I didn't know. I just thought I was odd and had very low libido. (And I didn't really want to change that anyway.) It was quite an "ah ha" experience to realize I'm asexual, and that I'm not the only one!

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