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Knowing when someone is attracted to you...


historiquette

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historiquette

For as long as I can remember, I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of people finding me sexually attractive. I know that a lot of sexual women out there experience a form of this discomfort when it's made blatant by catcalling or being approached by people they don't particularly find attractive, themselves, but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

Rather, it's an active sort of repulsion in knowing that men view me in a sexual light and I confess that this has made dating extremely difficult for me which...is unfortunate considering I am not aromantic. Am I really bizarre for feeling this way? Do other grey-A's/demis ever experience something similar?

If I were to describe it in detail, I suppose it's a mixture of discomfort and resentment in a way. It's feeling imposed upon by the desire of others which causes anxiety knowing that I don't feel the same way and may never do so depending upon whether or not I even connect with the person in question. And well, I suppose it feels like even more of an imposition to me when it happens independent of actively searching for a romantic connection. It's one thing, after all, if I'm putting myself out there on a dating site, for instance, in search of a partner but something else entirely if I'm minding my own business at work or school and someone decides to bring it up.

I feel ridiculous feeling this way at times because I know that for most people out there, this is the first step to establishing any kind of romantic connection but I am not most people, I guess, and as a result of my discomfort with it, I've learned to become extremely closed-off in demeanor in order to make it harder for guys to come up to me and make their attraction known.

Essentially, I primarily relate to people based on how likable I find their personalities and conversation. If I end up really enjoying a person's company, then I may develop a sexual curiosity about them, which is why I define myself as demi. I have never, however, simply looked at a person and thought to myself 'Wow, he's really attractive. I'd tap that.' And so, it is completely alien to my understanding when men lead with their attraction to me in that way. In fact, I actually really dislike physical compliments. I don't really care if someone thinks I'm pretty or cute or sexy or whatever and when I receive compliments of that nature immediately before being asked out, it puts me on edge because it makes it feel as if sex is immediately on the table and that the only reason this person is interested in me at all is because he's hoping for intimacy as his ultimate end goal. I'd be so much happier if a guy were to approach me and say something like 'I think you're really interesting/funny/cool and enjoyed talking to you about ____. Would you like to grab something to eat and continue our conversation?' Yet, I've never actually had someone approach me in such a way. When I've been approached at all, it's always been associated with a pretty vulgar chat up line that either references my figure in some way or the fact that I'm of Asian descent.

Am I out of my mind here? I'm not sure if I've managed to articulate this issue well enough to make my feelings clear but I'd really love to hear others' thoughts on how they deal with knowing that other people are sexually attracted to them or if they feel the need to "deal with" it at all.

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RaisedByHippies98

I am pretty much a hundred percent the same way! Dont worry, its not weird a lot of people are like this. Im not bragging or anything but its just the truth that every guy ive met has eventually fallen in love with me and every time i have to say im sorry i dont feel the same way. I get lots of compliments about my beauty (out of aesthetic appreciation and sexual attraction) but i realized that when i began putting more thought in to my personality and who i am, i stopped really caring about my looks and those comments didnt bother me as much. Some actions i take involve wearing modest clothing, surrounding myself with friends who understand me, avoiding environments where im most likely to be sexualized or approached by a stranger openly, and making my orientation known if someone comments something that makes me uncomfortable so i know whether or not they're decent from if they respect my wishes

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Essentially, I primarily relate to people based on how likable I find their personalities and conversation. If I end up really enjoying a person's company, then I may develop a sexual curiosity about them, which is why I define myself as demi. I have never, however, simply looked at a person and thought to myself 'Wow, he's really attractive. I'd tap that.'

[...]

Am I out of my mind here?

It makes perfect sense to me, honestly. You're not potentially interested in a person sexually until you're in a close relationship. It would be like if everyone who tried to ask you out the first time opened with the line "I'd like to move in with you and raise a family, let's date." Sex for you is just a subject that shouldn't be brought up until later in the relationship, it makes sense to be uncomfortable if you just met a guy and he's already talking about something that you haven't even thought to consider yet.

I personally don't have much experience with this because I'm not really physically attractive/I look like a minor. I've had a few friends who had crushes on me, though, and it's extremely weird to consider that they're probably attracted to me like that. I'm not sure if I can offer any advice, but I do hope you know now that feeling this way is completely rational! :)

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I think I'm pretty similar. I get very awkward when people give me compliments about my appearance. Looks just really don't matter to me when it comes to the opposite sex so I guess I would just like to find someone who feels the same and cares more about my humor and mind. I hate knowing when someone is thinking of me in a sexual way.

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I can't exactly relate. I like knowing a guy is sexual attracted to me. But then again, I don't feel like he's forcing that desire on me or anything. It's his, what he feels affects him, not me, so it doesn't bother me.

But I agree with Invictus, seems like you don't want a guy who puts sex on the table before it's something you're ready to think about. And that's perfectly OK. I don't know what to tell you to help you find guys who don't do that. The only thing I can tell you is maybe you could try to be the one to approach guys? Not sure how comfortable you are with that, but if that is something you feel comfortable doing, you would be the instigator and could probably steer the conversation away from sex and onto "get to know you" topics. Just a thought.

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TooOldForThis

Guy chipping in here... In general I don't care if people are sexually attracted to me. However, I recognise that if someone is sexually attracted to me they might want to have sex with me under certain circumstances - such as if we ended up in a relationship. Since I'm unlikely to want to have sex with a partner, this makes me a bit... not uncomfortable, but perhaps sad, if I find out that someone to whom I'm romantically attracted is sexually attracted to me.

As for other appearance-related compliments, such as someone calling me handsome or attractive or whatever, I don't associate those with sexual attraction, so they're just nice to hear, I guess. Though I wonder if people are more likely to call me those things without sexual implications than they might be with other people, perhaps due to gender and/or style of dress (I dress pretty conservatively most of the time). Maybe I'll dress more provocatively and see if the attitude behind appearance-related compliments changes.

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As for other appearance-related compliments, such as someone calling me handsome or attractive or whatever, I don't associate those with sexual attraction, so they're just nice to hear, I guess. Though I wonder if people are more likely to call me those things without sexual implications than they might be with other people, perhaps due to gender and/or style of dress (I dress pretty conservatively most of the time). Maybe I'll dress more provocatively and see if the attitude behind appearance-related compliments changes.

I think that many women (assuming most of those who compliment you are hetero women) typically have a less sexual way of complimenting/flirting. It has to do with ideas that women who initiating the flirting are already at risk of being labeled/thought of as "too forward." Also, that women should be more interested in the romantic side of a relationship then the sexual (which may or may not be true).

That sounds like a really interesting experiment. :)

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