Jump to content

Psyching yourself up


an-absence-of-eternity

Recommended Posts

an-absence-of-eternity

I'm in a relationship with a very sexual person. It's long established and I only identified my sexuality recently, some years after we'd gotten engaged, After a bunch of crying and some weird and stilted conversations we thought we could reach a compromise. But it's really hard... I'm lith, I keep thinking "Yeah! I wanna do this!" but as soon as anything starts I really don't want to any more, it's confusing as heck... and the less I do things, the more it's on my partner's brain, so the more he touches me and talks about what he wants to do and stuff, and the more I just want to push him away.

I really want to make this relationship work. Does anyone have any tips on gritting your teeth and enduring (while not making your partner feel terrible), or on turning discomfort to enjoyment? Ugh, I don't even know what I'm asking, really. Just. How do you do /it/, sex-repulsed aces? Or would anyone feel able to talk through how your own compromises/boundaries work?

Many hopeful thank yous~

Link to post
Share on other sites
LeaveOnYourColours

I don't have an answer (sorry) but I was literally just about to post about this! I wanna know what psyching oneself up consists of for other people.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Scottthespy

I am not sex repulsed, or looking to get into a relationship at all, but I want to offer a few ideas you could think on, just to see if they help. Most are going to tell you that trying to force yourself to enjoy sex just will not work, and that it will eventually grate on your partner to have you not enjoy the sex. This is, unfortunately, probablygoing to ring true. Some will suggest considering an open relationship, and seeing how the idea feels to both you and your partner...but it takes an incredible amount of communication to make that work...and no hiding resentment or discomfort for the sake of your partner. It can help healthy relationships grow even stronger, but it can also ruin shaky relationships. You MIGHT be able to try incorporating toys into the bedroom...there are plenty more for straight men than most people realize...to take some of the stress of being touched like that off of you. You could also try looking for any fetishes that look like something you as a couple might be interested in, that might be able to bring tolerability to the sex for you. I do not recommend trying to force yourself to do something you fully detest for the sake of your partner...it builds resentment on both sides. But looking for something that may make it less difficult for you could help, and these are the ideas I've seen others talk about trying. Not all of them are good for everyone, but some people have found some of them helpful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
an-absence-of-eternity

Thanks for your input! Yeah, an open relationship isn't something I'd be prepared to try, I have thought about that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frigid Pink

Does anyone have any tips on gritting your teeth and enduring (while not making your partner feel terrible), or on turning discomfort to enjoyment?

I wouldn't do that and don't think it's healthily sustainable behavior.

I highly recommend this article:

http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheButterflyComposer

Determination and willpower won't get you everywhere, even inside your own mind.

So...not sure exactly whether you are completely sexually repulsed (it sounds a bit like that but it's a tricky thing to know even about oneself). Basically, you could try building up a kind of tolerance towards intimacy, like hugging and kissing a lot, then touching lightly, getting comfortable being around each other naked, then the big sexual stuff.

Don't 'grit you're teeth and do it'. From everything I've seen and read from others about this, you aren't going to come out of that experience feeling good. Worse, it might open the door to you having to do this regularly and destroys the chance of doing the easing yourself in method indicated above.

I know that this is probably not the most helpful thing, but I really wouldn't want you to just psyche up and do it without considering this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to do this, and I hate it. But I'm getting married and I have no choice. Unfortunately it takes a lot of alcohol otherwise the experience is too traumatic to handle.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frigid Pink

I have to do this, and I hate it. But I'm getting married and I have no choice. Unfortunately it takes a lot of alcohol otherwise the experience is too traumatic to handle.

We always have a choice. We may have limited choices or even less ideal choices, however, we still have a choice. Sounds like the start of a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
an-absence-of-eternity

Sorry for letting this thread drop, things have been pretty busy.

Does anyone have any tips on gritting your teeth and enduring (while not making your partner feel terrible), or on turning discomfort to enjoyment?

I wouldn't do that and don't think it's healthily sustainable behavior.

I highly recommend this article:

http://broadblogs.com/2015/04/13/pleasure-wound-vs-pleasure-love/

We always have a choice. We may have limited choices or even less ideal choices, however, we still have a choice. Sounds like the start of a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage to me.

I read that article, thank you. But I guess where I'm coming from is that no relationship is perfect, anything long-term takes work and compromise. Given that everything else in the relationship is great (and that having found someone I can see myself with long-term, given my orientation, is something of a rarity), and recognising that my partner and I both have needs, it feels like we should be able to come to some compromise that isn't just me constantly saying no. And I want to do things for him sometimes. It's the actual mechanic of doing so that... and I figured there might be other people who have gone through this, I've seen posts about asexuals who are happy to do things to please their partner, not all but some... so I'd be grateful to hear of anyone's experiences that might help.

Determination and willpower won't get you everywhere, even inside your own mind.

So...not sure exactly whether you are completely sexually repulsed (it sounds a bit like that but it's a tricky thing to know even about oneself). Basically, you could try building up a kind of tolerance towards intimacy, like hugging and kissing a lot, then touching lightly, getting comfortable being around each other naked, then the big sexual stuff.

Don't 'grit you're teeth and do it'. From everything I've seen and read from others about this, you aren't going to come out of that experience feeling good. Worse, it might open the door to you having to do this regularly and destroys the chance of doing the easing yourself in method indicated above.

I know that this is probably not the most helpful thing, but I really wouldn't want you to just psyche up and do it without considering this.

Thanks! We've been in a relationship for several years now, so intimacy in itself isn't the issue. I do feel the weight of expectation given that I have done this stuff in the past, and I do feel that it can be hard for my partner to deal with the boundaries we have since set up. He's learnt to interpret actions and signals a certain way and the thing is, for me, hugging isn't an invitation to kiss. Kissing isn't an invitation to naked make-outs. But that's the way he's been conditioned, as a man, to see it.

Am I sexually repulsed? I don't know. As you say, it's hard to figure out... The idea of it is fine to me (less so the more specific about me it gets), it's when it comes down to actually doing anything that the panic sets in.

I have to do this, and I hate it. But I'm getting married and I have no choice. Unfortunately it takes a lot of alcohol otherwise the experience is too traumatic to handle.

I feel you. I have tried alcohol but it makes me maudlin, and makes him act differently. (It's unfair, I need to be relaxed and happy to have the faintest chance at initiating something, but if I'm happy sex is not exactly first on my go-to list.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
WheelCuddle

You have to find a frame of mind that will work for you, and accept the fact that there might not be one. You've been engaged for years? It sounds like (based on absolutely no actual knowledge) that maybe a part of you knew to be hesitant? I think you have a right to express yourself romantically, and sexually, or not, as you desire. I think he has the right to the same. You have to be prepared for the idea that this could be a deal breaker. If you can't accept that, then you aren't being honest, you're just trying to make something work because you want it to work.

If you can start from that place, you may just be able to find a way to make it work. But you cant just coast on everything you did prior to understanding your sexuality. In my mind that is a do over. the pressure to just keep the momentum you had before, when your perspective is now radically different, is not going to help you feel emotionally connected in the way that might allow you to physically connect.

Link to post
Share on other sites
an-absence-of-eternity

That makes a lot of sense, actually.

Link to post
Share on other sites
just one more thing

Ohh - this whole thread makes me want to cry. I'm 37, married one year, and only just coming to the realisation that I may be asexual. Recently hit rock bottom with depression, and thought that this was a part of depression. Talking through with my psychologist, I see that I have had the continual pattern of using sex to make people like me, and then SNAP, I want nothing to do with sex. In the beginning of relationships, I know that I just want people to like me, sex isn't about love. I have no desire to have sex. If you asked me to describe my 'ideal one night stand' I have nothing to say. I can't even imagine a fictional interest.

I'm so worried about what to tell my wife. When we met, she thought I was ok. Now I have been diagnosed with dysthymia (low grade persistent depression) Boarderline Personality, and possibly asexual. I feel like I should go crawl under a rock and give up. I think I need to prepare myself for what might be the end of our relationship. She really feels that sex is about connection and desire and love.

I'm such a shitty person. Gah! Thanks for listening :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...