Sorry, yet another "what am I?" thread

[DragonsDream]

I have been reading and researching here for the last week since I discovered this site and the whole idea of a/grey/demi/semi-sexuality. at this point, I can pretty confidently say I am not asexual and I am not allosexual which puts me in the grey, but that seems vast gulf and it would be nice to drill down a little more. I am not asking for anyone to label me, just to point me in the direction of labels that in some way cover my situation.

I am 46 y.o. I am 5 years post-op male-to-female transsexual. I transitioned at age 26. I have been married to a cis lesbian for 7 years (our anniversary was last week). I currently identify as lesbian.

The current "issue" is that I have little to no sex drive. Originally, my wife made allowances for that because of my gender issues but since surgery, my desire for sex has not changed. I have always been "attracted" to women, but never in a "hey I want to have sex with her" way instead it was a "hey I want to be her" way. I did imagine sex with a woman, as a woman myself, but never with anyone specific and not in a sex-for-sex-sake manner, but more about experiencing sexuality as a woman. I never saw men/males as any kind of sexual or romantic partner in any way and in fact, have a hard time even telling if a guy is "good looking" at all. I can look at a woman though and make an aestetic judgment of attraction.

I do have sex with my wife, but 90% of the time it is me pleasuring her and then brushing off any kind of reciprocation. I enjoy pleasuring her and on those occasions where she pleasures me, I do enjoy it but most of the time, I could just as easily watch TV or play a video game as have sex.

I have read erotica but the only stuff that (used to) do anything for me was transsexual stories about physical changes as opposed to anything directly sexual or erotic, and now even those do nothing. Porn has never interested me either trans or lesbian.

So, the bullet points:

attracted to... women

sexually attracted to... the idea of women, but don't see any specific woman and think about sex with her

romantically attracted to women

desire for sex=low but enjoy it while doing it

so is "grey-a" the best I'm gonna get or are there some other terms to explore?

[Archon]

When you say you are "attracted" to women, it sounds to me like you're referring to aesthetic attraction. This is the same feeling you would get when looking at a sunset - looking at something pretty but there are no sexual urges involved. You can experience aesthetic attraction without sexual attraction. Have you ever felt sexual attraction to any specific real person? If not, you might be asexual, or if only rarely, grey-a. Asexuals can still enjoy sex even if they aren't attracted to anyone specifically and they can experience romantic attraction. Of course, how you identify is entirely up to you, and I can only go off what you wrote here.

Here's a graphic which might be helpful that explains the separate kinds of attraction:

If you have any questions about any of these or other things, feel free to ask me. :)

Come to think of it, there is actually a word for someone who enjoys giving sexual gratification to their partner but not receiving any... Would that fit you? I can't remember the word right now though. I'll comment with it if I remember.

[Akira Jumps]

Fraysexual means you are less and less sexually attracted to someone the more you know them, kind of like the opposite to demisexual. Maybe a variation of that? Fraysexual is under the lithosexual 'umbrella' which falls under the ace umbrella as well. Lots and lots of umbrellas. :)

[Archon]

Placiosexual was the word I was looking for. In any case, use whatever terms you feel fit you best.

[DragonsDream]

Placiosexual was the word I was looking for. In any case, use whatever terms you feel fit you best.

that's the plan. once I figure out what all the terms are and what they mean.

As for that graphic - romantic, sensual and aesthetic attraction definitely apply. I don't think I have ever looked at a specific person and thought "I want to have sex with her" however, all my previous partners (all 3) as well as my wife, I had met and conversed with online for months (in 1 case years) prior to meeting in person and having sex. I did desire sex at the time, but not because I was physically attracted to them, but instead because it was a means to be intimate. Other than my wife, I didn't have sexual relations with any of them for more than a week.

The idea of sex doesn't repel or disgust me although I can't imagine sex with a man. Any image of sex I have is with a woman.

Biggest problem I have had in sorting through this for myself is that so much has been wrapped up and/or distorted by my (previous) trans issues. I never wanted to have sex as a male but I always assumed after surgery I would want sex as a woman. So far though, that hasn't really happened. My desire for sex is still low (I can't say non existent but it's maybe a 2 on a 1 to 10 scale) and my wife is worried that it's her - that she isn't desirable. I really need to reassure her that it isn't her at all. Having some defined term(s) would help