limabean Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I have been poking around the forums intermittently for months now, and I have been hesitant to post because I honestly just don't know where to start or if anyone else will relate. But since my friends have a hard time wrapping their heads around demisexuality and talking to them about it is sometimes frustrating, I figure why not try my luck here? Anyway, I will start at the beginning: The short story is that I've had a couple of relationships as well as unrequited feelings for people I was close friends with. It didn't really occur to me that there was anything seriously different about my attractions until recently because at first glance they seem pretty average (i.e. when I am attracted to someone, my sex drive is extremely high--often higher than my partner). It occurred to me that something might be different because I haven't had a relationship (or sex) in almost 5 years and, for the most part, I'm not bothered by it. I used to joke that I'm about 70% asexual because I am not easily attracted to people, but I didn't think that was a thing. Then a few months back when I found the term demisexual, I literally cried tears of joy because it described everything I had been trying to explain to people for the last decade (!!!). The thing that makes it confusing for me is that when I am attracted to someone, I really want to have sex with them (and often). From what I've read here, it seems like that is unusual. I think that fact also makes it even harder for my friends to comprehend because my attractions seem just like theirs when I have them. But for me it is either all or nothing. I'm just wondering if this is the case for anyone else or if I'm alone in this... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Demisexuals are/become normal sexual people, the only thing is that it's triggered by a bond, so I'd say you're normal. Link to post Share on other sites
limabean Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 I'm aware of the definition; my question is whether or not anyone here feels similarly because I'm not sure who I can talk to any of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Hardly any Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Sexual attraction has only happened to me once, so I'm working with the lowest possible sample size. Also it was a long-distance relationship, making the times we were together a lot more fervent. But yeah, when I wanted it I really wanted it. I'm given to understand the other half wanted it literally all the time though, like even when we were apart; I was much less affected during those times. Come to think of it, the distance might have helped me reach that emotional state somewhat? Like there's no danger in this relationship because banging's at a minimum? Or maybe I felt so strongly because it's not a sensation I'm used to? I'm figuring myself out too, if you haven't noticed. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Sorry if it seemed like i was reiterating the definition, i was only intending that there isn't much of a difference between 'immediate' allosexuals and demisexuals. You often having the urge to have sex with him is normal for sexual people. Do you mean that the demisexual threads you've read don't mention this? Then it may not be a popular or talked about problem but i think it's a normal problem; demi or allosexual. Many allosexuals have to face this with their asexual partner or even another allosexual who doesn't return their feelings, and so do allosexuals in an unwillingly sexless marriage. Perhaps it's an uncommon topic among demisexuals because most of them are in a romantic relationship with the person prior to the sexual attraction. I'm fully Ace so i can't relate, but i can listen and you're welcome to talk about it on AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
limabean Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 @Hardly any -- I'm glad I'm not the only one. Also the long distance thing makes sense to me. I guess for me it's not so much that there is no danger of banging, but it helps because I'm more shy IRL so I'm less likely to get close to people that way. @Star Bit -- Yeah it seems like the demi threads I have seen skew more on the Ace end of things. I guess that's to be expected given the nature of AVEN... Idk if most demisexuals are in a romantic relationship before the sexual attraction? I have seen several people say they developed romantic or sexual attractions to close friends--which is definitely true for me. I think that is where most of my frustration comes from: I fell for my best friend a few years ago and I still find that he's the only one I experience sexual attraction to (intensely, often) even though we have only platonically cuddled. Aside from that I have absolutely no interest in anyone ever. The contrast is kind of unnerving. Link to post Share on other sites
KendraPM Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Are you demi-romantic as well? That might be why you haven't come across it as often. If it takes an emotional bond before any romantic and sexual attraction kicks in, than that could be why it seems like so much more to you than what you've seen in other demisexuals. From what I understand, what you're describing is how most demisexuals are. They create a bond and then the sexual attraction kicks in, and it kicks in at the same level as allosexuals. If you're also demiromantic and your experiencing the romantic and sexual attraction hitting you all at once, than it could come across as more. Whereas for a demisexual alloromantic, the romantic attraction is already there and so it's not as...intense? Like if you suddenly started craving both chocolate and bananas at the same time, as opposed to already craving bananas and eating a banana when you get hit with a craving for chocolate.....if that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
limabean Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yeah, I see what you're saying... That's probably a big part of it. I would say I'm demiromantic as well. But for me the sexual and romantic attractions don't come on at the same time exactly. In my most recent experience it was like several years of friendship turned into sensual attraction (at the time I described it as wanting to slow dance with him and cuddle). Then a romantic attraction came weeks later and sexual attraction was potentially months after that. I think it just seems intense because it's so unpredictable for me. At the time I identified as lesbian and then suddenly I was falling for my male friend who I never in a million years thought I would be attracted to. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on my sexuality and now it seems like there is no way for me to predict future attractions because I'm not remotely interested in anyone else so there are no clues. That part freaks me out because I like to feel like I understand myself and know who I am but now I feel like I don't exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
KendraPM Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 You could have a different type of attraction to men as opposed to women. I have two different romantic orientations, one to one personality type, the other to another. So it's possible this throwing you for a loop because you're now experiencing a different type. I know that my second one threw me because I'd never been romantically attracted to girls, and the attraction I was feeling was less intense and infrequent, making it harder to predict. Took me a long time to realize I was bi-fray-grayromantic as well as heteroromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
limabean Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 That's a good point. I haven't thought of it exactly like that before... I don't know if that makes me feel more or less confused though. Potentially more because I still have no way of knowing what my attractions will be like in the future with either men or women. But I think you're right because I have always tended to be emotionally drawn to men (as friends) but more aesthetically attracted to women. *Sigh* I don't know... (!) Link to post Share on other sites
KendraPM Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I get you there. I am aesthetically attracted to women, so the moment my first crush on a girl developed I questioned my orientation all around. It can all be confusing, and there's even exceptions to things. Could potentially be less confusing. I mean, if your attraction to girls hasn't changed, than you're potentially just learning about a new set of romantic/sexual attractions. Potentially. :) Link to post Share on other sites
limabean Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Yeah, I have just been trying to wrap my head around what's the exception and what's the rule and what all of that means about how I identify. There are just too many words that mostly don't seem to fit and it's kind of overwhelming. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 If you don't like any of the labels you see, make up your own label. ;) I am this way with my sapiosexuality. If a man sounds intelligent, my attraction can go from 0 to 100 really quickly. Even if I don't find the man aesthetically attractive, I find myself to be attracted to him if he is intelligent. If he is both aesthetically attractive and intelligent... well I think that's as close as I get to what sexual people experience. Link to post Share on other sites
limabean Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 If a man sounds intelligent, my attraction can go from 0 to 100 really quickly. Even if I don't find the man aesthetically attractive, I find myself to be attracted to him if he is intelligent. If he is both aesthetically attractive and intelligent... well I think that's as close as I get to what sexual people experience. It's kind of the same for me, but it's usually a lot more gradual. I will admit that I am sometimes turned on by well written economic policy analysis though. :P I didn't realize there was a word for that sort of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
KendraPM Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I am this way with my sapiosexuality. If a man sounds intelligent, my attraction can go from 0 to 100 really quickly. Slightly off topic, but it's something I wondered now and then, is there a word for opposite that? I mean, I find an intellectual to be unattractive. I like my guys street smart, not book smart. Just a curiosity. Link to post Share on other sites
allrightalready Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 the fact that i do have and enjoy sex in a relationship confused me for a very long time and it took years to accept that i was different and that being demi was a real thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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