What makes you identify as Gray-A?

[Guest]

So I have been reading through AVEN lately and stumbled upon the term Gray-A. I have been thinking it could be fitting to me, although I am not entirely sure what in entails.

I actually identified as an asexual years ago since I hadn’t ever really been interested in having sex. Once I understood, however, that I experience sexual attraction, I started to identify as aromantic bisexual. I still wasn’t interested in having sex, but I explained it with the fact that I am not really interested in having that close relationships with people in general.

Now I have stumbled upon term Gray-A and it seems like a interesting concept. Apparently demisexuals are considered as a type of Gray-A. One other possible criterion for being one also seems to be that one experiences sexual attraction less strongly than sexuals in general. While this could possibly apply to me, I wonder what it really means to experience ”less” sexual attraction than usual.

I am not asking people to tell me if I am a Gray-A or not. That would be a futile endeavor since really only I can completely understand how I feel. I also don’t really like the idea of other people telling me what my orientation should be. Rather I am asking what makes you identify as Gray-A or, alternatively, how you would define the term. I am really interested to understand this concept in genreal.

Thanks for all the potential answers. ^_^

[Guest]

Personally, I'm sexual, but considered gray-a for a while. I have a low desire for relationships, but I see relationships and sex as connected and would not want one without the other. So, IDK, I just thought that mentioning why I don't think I fit gray-a might be helpful.

Gray-a definitely includes instances of rare attraction or ones that only come up when very specific criteria are met (demisexual, lithsexual, frayosexual, etc). But IMO cases of fairly low attraction but one that is still consistently there would not put one on the sexual side.

[Guest]

I am too sexual for a relationship with someone completely asexual (who has no desire for any form of partnered sexual contact) not sexual enough (at all) to have a relationship with someone who does not fall somewhere on the ace spectrum. As I fall in the grey area between asexual and sexual, I am Grey-A.

[LookingGlassAlice]

Personally I use the term because I'm still figuring things out and am not sure yet if I'm asexual for sure.

[Star Bit]

Gray-A means anything between having sexual attraction and not; characteristics of both simultaneously (i.e. Cupiosexual and Aposexual aka Lithsexual) or at different times (i.e. Demisexual). To understand what less sexual attraction is, you must understand what sxual attraction is. It is when someones presence turns them on and then they have the desire/impulse to do sexual things to or with that person. Sexual people typically crave the sinsation of sex. Are you indifferent about sexual reciprocation or is it unwanted?

[Guest]

Gray-A means anything between having sexual attraction and not; characteristics of both simultaneously (i.e. Cupiosexual and Aposexual aka Lithsexual) or at different times (i.e. Demisexual). To understand what less sexual attraction is, you must understand what sxual attraction is. It is when someones presence turns them on and then they have the desire/impulse to do sexual things to or with that person. Sexual people typically crave the sinsation of sex. Are you indifferent about sexual reciprocation or is it unwanted?

I am indefferent about sexual reciprocation. My body recognizes it might be nice (pretty much like any physical activity) and sight or some other stimuli from other people might turn me on. However, my mind stays uninterested and I don't feel any real desire to follow through with that physical feeling. It's like there is a disconnect between my physical and mental reactions.

[allrightalready]

i see myself as demi because within a relationship i do like sex since it makes me feel closer but i am not interested in it otherwise and demi is part of grey-a

[Guest]

Some do define asexuality as the lack of innate desire for sex, also.

[JaySexual]

I see myself as demisexual, or graysexual (don't know what the best word is .lol. ), because if I was in a relationship/fell in love first, then I think I could do sex (basically its one of those "never say 'never' " things for me). I could certainly never go for a hookup/one-night-stand type thing, but the right person/long-term relationship...then maybe.

That said, I've never had sex, and don't have much desire to.

[Mikasa]

I like to fantasize about certain celebrities, which makes me think that I'm maybe not 100% asexual. (Not sure if I would actually have sex with them in real life though... But I guess I'll never have the chance to find out anyway.) Also, labeling myself as asexual would feel a bit too... definitive. Like the user above me, I quite like the expression 'never say never'.

[LadyAlnwick]

I identify as Grey because I get aroused, but I don't experience sexual attraction. I enjoy fantasy, I like to watch, and I actually very much enjoy physical contact with other people, of either gender, including kissing/cuddling/touching... just not sex.

[Arctangent]

I identified as asexual for a number of years because I didn't know how it felt to desire sex with someone. I also thought I'd be perfectly fine to go through my entire life without having sex at all, and nonsexual relationships were preferable to sexual ones. I wasn't totally opposed to trying to have a sexual relationship, but it seemed like more "work" to me because of the compromise required.

Well, eventually I became more curious about sex and I had a close friend I trusted to try it with, so I did. I found that I could enjoy some forms of sexual touch, and I had some flickerings of feeling like I actually desired it for its own sake, at least with that person. That's what made me feel that I was no longer asexual anymore. However, it took several years for me to feel comfortable trying it with that friend, and even now that the desire has kicked in, it still comes and goes and remains specific to that one person. Also, sex isn't a necessary component of an intimate relationship for me. Since I'm polyamorous, I can have sexual and nonsexual intimate relationships alongside each other, and I value both kinds of relationships. I can still have a nonsexual relationship with an asexual person without feeling anything's missing.

Grey-asexuality, to me, is a catch-all term for people who feel like they fall somewhere in between being sexual and asexual. I can relate to some asexual experiences, but since I've experienced a desire for partnered sex (however ephemeral or conditional it seems at times) I feel that grey-a is a better fit than just asexual at this point. There are a lot of ways to be grey-a. I think the open-endedness of it is one of its advantages, since it conveys an important point (e.g. "I'm more like an asexual than a sexual in some ways") while leaving room for many different experiences.

[Guest]

Thanks for all the answers. I think I now understand the term better and people's reasons for using it. Even though I still don't know whether I want to use it to describe myself or not, it's always nice to understand things better.

Thanks again :)

[Custos]

I feel mostly asexual most of the time but for some reason, it doesn't feel right to to just say "I am asexual"?? I guess I wouldn't be totally disinclined to sexual activities in the future maybe with someone I really love but for the most part I don't think about sex or want it.

[Star Bit]

I identify as Grey because I get aroused, but I don't experience sexual attraction. I enjoy fantasy, I like to watch, and I actually very much enjoy physical contact with other people, of either gender, including kissing/cuddling/touching... just not sex.

Then i don't see the gray. For sexual people, sexual arousal is what triggers their sexual impulses/desires. The body reacting with arousal is just an involintary reaction; you need the second part for it to be sexual attraction and thus anything Gray-A. This is especially so with men; as they can get boners for no reason or even an unwantrd reason. Liking to fantasize and desire to cuddle doesn't mean you have sexual urges toward those people. Kissing, cuddling, and touching aren't sexual unless you want those things done for the arousal.

@OP

If you mentally have sexual desires but don't care about them being satisfied then that is a type of Gray-A. But if you simply get aroused then it's not and is simply asexual. There is the term "sex indifferent" which has recently been given the orientation Apathsexual (root word being apathy). The flip side to being sex indifferent is an asexual who has no compromise limit, and they of corse are not gray because of this, but you can see how the term can be useful to them as well.

[Vellys]

I fit somewhere in between Gray-A and Demisexual. I am married and can go for months without any physical intimacy with my spouse. It was also not until after we were living together and had built our relationship that we consummated it.

I would say that I am generally an aesthetic and sometimes romantic if its someone I know well enough to crush on. This scares me sometimes as those feelings can be very strong and as a married man, I know I should not act on those feelings(and have yet to). This can sometimes become a hard choice as friendships are precious to me.

I would generally consider myself straight, but I have identified as female in online "relationships" formed while playing MMORPGs. Its easy enough to get into the role, and while I imagine I (unintentionally) play to stereotypes in pursuit of those roles, I have gotten off emotionally and physically when those relationships have twinked my kinks.

[ioncehadasoul]

I feel like I go through cycles or whatever. 90% of the time, I couldn't care less about sex.

But then occasionally there's a week where I totally want it. And then I go back to not wanting or needing it for months. So that's why I feel like gray-A fits me.

[BelleXox]

Hi all, I am new as of today.

To be honest I have no idea what I am yet.....I have been googling and came across this website for support and understanding....I'm not even sure where to start with how I think and feel....

[AshleyElizabeth]

I am a female. There are only 2 cases when I'm genuinely interested in sex. My cycle. Hormones play a key role. Another way is stimulation. And in order for me to let someone do it they have a lot of convincing to do. And in most cases, even if the sex is good I am good with in 5 minutes. No orgasm nessecary. I mean I'm polite and I let the guy do its thing but half way into I'm done and I'm just ready for it to be over with.

[A380]

I am a female. There are only 2 cases when I'm genuinely interested in sex. My cycle. Hormones play a key role.

THIS. It's my sneaky female body that makes me identify as Gray-A!

Once a month it makes me sort of sex-positive and easily aroused... It only lasts for for a couple of days, tho. Once my body gives up on trying to get pregnant, my libido evaporates and I go back to my regular sex-repulsed self. The whole process really messes with my head and I hate it. :/

[Confusion 0]

I've read all of the previous comments, and none of them sound like me, but I still think of myself as Grey-A.

I do experience sexual arousal and all that, but it isn't very strong, and only tends to happen when I experience nudity.

I am also sex-averse, meaning I do not want sex.

Sex just seems unromantic to me, and I want nothing to do with it.

[BlueButterflies]

I identify as Gray-A because I get turned on when I read erotic fanfiction and I masturbate, as well. I've also never had sex, but I'm pretty sure I won't like it. Mostly because I know what I'm doing and how to get myself off better than anyone else can.

[Jackline]

I identify as Grey-A because sex fascinates me. I am a very sex favourable person in theory, but in reality I am much happier leaving my genitals out of the picture. (Genitals belonging to other people are mostly okay provided I like them to some degree and they don't expect the pleasure to be reciprocated.) I do enjoy touch but it always shocks me when my partners get sexually aroused from what I perceive to be purely sensual actions. When this happens it's like I missed a step somewhere because I just don't feel sexual things the way they do.

[scarletlatitude]

Here is why I chose grey-a:

- I do find the overall feeling pleasurable (I am not sex repulsed)

- I am touch averse, unless it is someone I know very well (and I mean I don't even want them to brush against me accidentally)

- I am romantic and heterosexual. This I know for sure.

- Sapiosexual. We can save that debate for other posts, but I am 100,000,000% sapiosexual.

- I don't even form close friendships with people unless I really really like them. Everyone else can stay as an acquaintance.

From what I understand, "grey-(a)sexual" means that you enjoy/might enjoy sex, but only with certain people or in certain circumstances. Given my list... I think that applies to me. :)

[Star Bit]

T-T People are using the term Gray-A wrong.

1) Masturbation does not automatically mean sexual attraction/make you Gray-A. The term Asexual is not literal/mean you can't do anything sexual. Like any other sexual orientation, it only applies to who you're sexually attracted to. Masturbatory habits don't always reflect one's sexuality; watching gay porn doesn't make someone Bi. An asexual's body typically responds to the suggestion of sexual pleasure from the erotica, which is not sexual attraction/aimed at a person.

2) Having a positive perspective on sex or even enjoying it is not Gray-A/does not deal with sexual attraction.

3) Your body involintarily reacting with arousal is not sexual attraction. It's easier to understand if you know how the male body reacts with random boners throught the day. Randomly getting a boner in class does not mean they're sexually attracted to learning.

4) Sexual attraction is having the impulse/desire to do sexual things to/with someone. In sexual people, this impulse is triggered by the person's presence being sexually arousing.

5) Gray-A is anything between having sexual attraction and not; having characteristics of both simultaneously (i.e. Aposexual and Cupiosexual) or at different times (i.e. Demisexual). It can also include the feeling being weak or rare.

And because a few people mentioned it, there is a more accurate term called Burstsexual; having sexual attraction in bursts.

Also, @AshleyElizabeth, perhaps the term Lithsexual is also accurate, though with a combination of two types of Gray-A maybe it's easiest to just go by that. It means sexual reciprication causes a nagative to indifferent reaction; more specifically immediately or over time indifference, loss of interest, or repulsion.

[Guest]

Heh, this little question sure has attracted quite a lot of attention.

3) Your body involintarily reacting with arousal is not sexual attraction. It's easier to understand if you know how the male body reacts with random boners throught the day. Randomly getting a boner in class does not mean they're sexually attracted to learning.

4) Sexual attraction is having the impulse/desire to do sexual things to/with someone. In sexual people, this impulse is triggered by the person's presence being sexually arousing.

In my case, my body gets quite consistently aroused by stimuli from other people (both male and female). However, it still doesn't lead to any desire to have sex with them. At most I might feel small urge to touch them. I don't know if my view of sexuality is too concentrated on physical functions, but to me this seems like some kind of sexual attraction. At the very least the line is getting pretty muddy to me.

And if sexual attraction includes the feeling of desire to have partnered sex with someone, I honestly don't see much difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire.

[Star Bit]

Heh, this little question sure has attracted quite a lot of attention.

3) Your body involintarily reacting with arousal is not sexual attraction. It's easier to understand if you know how the male body reacts with random boners throught the day. Randomly getting a boner in class does not mean they're sexually attracted to learning.

4) Sexual attraction is having the impulse/desire to do sexual things to/with someone. In sexual people, this impulse is triggered by the person's presence being sexually arousing.

In my case, my body gets quite consistently aroused by stimuli from other people (both male and female). However, it still doesn't lead to any desire to have sex with them. At most I might feel small urge to touch them. I don't know if my view of sexuality is too concentrated on physical functions, but to me this seems like some kind of sexual attraction. At the very least the line is getting pretty muddy to me.

And if sexual attraction includes the feeling of desire to have partnered sex with someone, I honestly don't see much difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire.

Sexual desire is simply having the desire to have sex, sexual attraction is when that desire/impulse is brought on by another person. The same goes for its romantic equivalent. Having a desire for non-sexual physical contact is called sensual attraction, and as i said in my first comment, it is not sexual unless you want those things done for the arousal. But even then that does not deal with sexual attraction/having the impulse to (excuse vulgarity) mess with the others genitals or hump them. I put sexual attraction vaguely as "sexual things" to avoid that vulgarity, but i guess it makes it way clearer by doing so.

On a tangent, there are three forms of sensual attraction (though the term by itself refers to the first two); platonic, romantic, and sexual. The first two differ by chaste kissing and the last differs by desiring to do so for arousal. Yes, the word sensual applies to all forms of physical contact, but as we separate sex from romance, we also do so with this. So Sexual attraction typically involves 3 things; arousal, sexual-sensual attraction, and the impulse to have sex. There are many forms of sex but desiring to do sensual things with the objective of arousal is not sex. So an asexual could very well have the kink of sexual-sensual attraction.

[Guest]

Star Bit, I think I finally got what you have been trying to say. Thanks for having the patience to put your explanation into more blunt terms, that honestly made things easier to understand.

[Star Bit]

Hmm, i hate to confuse you once you got things down, and I'm not actually contradicting anything i said before, but i wanna talk about this. I do talk simplistically in the following so i think it'll be fine and not result in confusion. It's been debated which one of the two is actually the root of sexual attraction. On one hand, sexual arousal is what triggers sexual desire in sexual people; thus sexual desire is the root and arousal is just its trigger. Then some say it's the arousal because romantic attraction and romantic drive are separate and they think it should be the same; romantic feelings and then having a romantic-drive/drive to be in a romantic relationship=sexual arousal and then having a sex-drive/drive to have sex. But that would mean that any form of sexual arousal is sexual attraction with no sexual desire. Which i would disagree, as in the previous example of random boners in class do not mean they have sexual attraction to learning, among many more examples of its inadequacy. That would mean that asexuals that react to porn with sexual arousal have sexual attraction to the erotica itself and not the people. That would mean that having a foot fetish means you have sexual attraction to feet while not having the actual desire to have sex with a foot. I strongly disagree with this perspective and think it's the former.

I think someones presence being sexually arousing is technically sexual attraction with no sexual desire, but i wouldn't actually call it sexual attraction unless you have both of the aforementioned requirements. The same goes for romantic attraction. (i.e. having an involuntarily reaction to something is not your decision and thus not you/you are not sexually attracted to a person but your body is. There are people who do not wish to be sexually attracted to what they are sexually attracted to. If a 'gay' man wishes he didn't have those impulses toward other men then i wouldn't call him gay or even say he's sexually attracted to them. Not out of respect, but the fact that he cannot control it.) Thus even if someones body reacts to an individual's presence with arousal, they can still be asexual. Just like unless someone actively pursues their fetish, i would not say them reacting to X with arousal means that X is their fetish.

[Pyladea]

Hi all, I am new as of today.

To be honest I have no idea what I am yet.....I have been googling and came across this website for support and understanding....I'm not even sure where to start with how I think and feel....

That was me a year ago.

For the longest time I just labeled myself as heterosexual because I was afraid to acknowledge the fact that I might not be "normal." Bit by bit I started looking up different kinds of human sexuality and orientation. Once I decided that being myself was more important than being "normal," I started looking into the labels. For a while I insisted I was straight, then I was pansexual, then straight again, then asexual.

I only got to where I am now by being honest with myself when I asked questions like-

>Who am I attracted to?

>Does their gender matter?

>Do I desire sex with these people?

>When is the point I begin to desire sex?

Basically, don't worry about not knowing right now. You came to the right place to get help in figuring it out. There are plenty of resources here, and I'm sure you could ask any member on here some questions and they'd do their best to help you out.