Norm Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hello, sorry if the formatting or location of this post is incorrect! I started seeing a girl about a month ago and, skipping all the details which aren't relevant, we had sex and then a few days later she told me she was asexual. While I wish she would have told me a month ago, I am glad she told me now. However, I don't know how to proceed from here. She told me she's not sex-repulsed, but I don't really know what she wants. I guess I'm here to try to find out what a typical asexual relationship would be, if that makes sense? She's an amazing girl and I want her to be happy, but I really don't know anything about alternate sexualities (maybe alternate isn't the preferred term, I don't know though). If anybody has been in a similar situation or can relate/give advice, please respond. Thank you. Oh, and one other thing. She feels like her being asexual makes her "undeserving" of being with me, is there any good way I can make her understand that she doesn't need to be so self-conscious? Link to post Share on other sites
jxrdvns Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 even though she isn't sex-repulsed, make sure your relationship with her isn't entered around sex. if she has chosen to engage in a relationship with you, it means she cares about more than what your physical appearance has to offer her. she appreciates you as an individual. we are very capable of forming romantic relationships with people, so to make her feel deserving you have honestly already taken the first step by coming here looking for advice on her orientation and how to make her comfortable and feel worthy. i'm demisexual, meaning i don't experience sexual attraction or attraction to people until i form a relationship with them. my boyfriend is a sexual person. i am almost in the same situation as you but reversed. i am turning to my community for advice on how to translate a few concerns/problems/some of my upsets to him. trust me, being ace and having a relationship with a sexual person can be just as hard for aces as it is for sexuals. my best advice would be to make sure the relationship is more romance based. doing cute couple things that make her feel appreciated without feeling like she has to engage in sexual activity with you. now since she is not sex repulsed, and you are sexual, i would suggest having a conversation with her about what she is and is not comfortable with when it comes to affection or sexual activity. (some aces don't even appreciate things like holding hands, so find out where she is on the scale.) make sure you article your needs without sounding like you expect them from her because that will harm her more than help your relationship with her. it just needs to be a very open and understanding relationship with no expectations from either party, just so you can both understand each other's wants and needs. that is the best advice i can give being that i am ace and in a relationship with a sexual person. i hope this helped a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Draggore Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 You should talk with her. Asexuality is wide area and everyone is unique. You must trust what your partner says. It is possible she enjoys sex with you. Gray sexuals can enjoy sex truly. Some enjoys giving pleasure to loved one. Like you could enjoy when you do something to your loved one and see her pleasure. Example you make a cake and normally you do not like baking, but because you do for her, you love it. Or you enjoy some movies eith her. Link to post Share on other sites
sara89 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 It’s really great of you that you write this post and try to understand her :).Yeah like the others have said communication often seems be the key. Surely there are ways to “compromise”..., if both of you are willing to try. From my experience it’s rather difficult, though.I really liked it to “make my partner happy”. But it was always a problem for them to know that I don't feel the same they feel. I hope you'll find a way.I know some asex-sex-couples where it works =) Link to post Share on other sites
Zenepheon Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I find it very strange that she had sex with you before telling you she was asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
JRCA_83 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I know that "undeserving" feeling well. I'm married to a sexual partner and I'm asexual. I think it comes from that I know I cannot meet his sexual needs, and I feel upset and guilty about it. I feel as though I don't deserve being in a relationship with him when his sexual needs could be fulfilled by another sexual person. That being said, he does not wish to have other sexual partners and is okay without having sex all the time. He says he wants to be with me regardless of me being asexual, which is amazing. Personally, I don't think it's strange that she had sex with you once and then told you she was asexual…it seems just circumstantial. If she is romantic (which I think is clearly the case since she's formed a relationship with you), she probably had a tough time telling you. She didn't want to lose the romantic bond she has with you, and by telling you she's asexual, she put that at great risk. The best way to continue a relationship with her is to just ask her what she's comfortable with, and reassure her that if she feels uncomfortable at any point, that she needs to communicate that clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Norm Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Sorry for kind of dropping off the radar, we talked some more about it and things are still going okay. Thanks for your advice, everyone. Zenepheon, she said she wasn't sure until we did, which I guess is why. Link to post Share on other sites
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