What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

[KendraPM]

@Mishidozi Mozuki I completely relate to the being bored during sex thing. The idea is great, the actual act is boring.

[aoa95]

I think I learned I was ace when I learned the difference between romantic attraction, sexual attraction, and arousal... It took a while because that's so confusing when everyone in mainstream society uses them interchangeably. I suppose I'm a demisexual with a low sex drive.

I enjoy the intimacy of sex and see it as an expression of affection? I enjoy the making out/heavy petting part the best. Actual sex is okay if I just focus on the sensation or my partner's pleasure.

My partner is a dear, and he's always asking me what I want because he wants me to enjoy myself and be satisfied, but it's hard to tell him that I don't have much of an opinion on sex... 1) I don't know what I want because I lack experience and 2) I'm not that sexual. I mostly enjoy sex because I'm giving him pleasure - I get enjoyment out of pleasing him.

[J.T. Grey]

I'm a lith in both ways, and have been a virgin my whole life and have never been in a relationship. I get the feeling that I'm lith because romance and sex make me feel uncomfortable unless it's fantasy. Of course, whose to say I'll change my mind if I do have sex one day-- I'll either become more sexual than I 'am' or even more asexual.

I really do just prefer the thought to it. I don't like the idea of someone touching me in that way, but, if I were to be more willing, I would help pleasure them.

[Specialkay]

Little late to the party perhaps but...This is literally the most relatable thread I've ever seen.

My story? Well I'm a bit young so there's not much here.

I appear to be a kind of demisensual gray-ace. I have a high libido which causes many an unwanted arousal, especially being close and cuddling with my abstaining sexual male partner.

I'm a virgin, so I can't say much on the act of sex, but I do masterbate from time to time to get rid of my libido urges. I am happy to cuddle or kiss my partner, and may even think about sex as not being that bad, however the idea of someone's genitals being anywhere near me in real life is disturbing to say the least.

For awhile this didn't make sense to me, as I thought you couldn't want sensual things without sexual things until I found a couple other threads on this website discussing sensual attraction. I no longer felt alone and would have rejoiced if not for the puny problem of my unwillingness for any of that except with my close partner. If anyone came close and lightly touched me, I would flinch away from them, until I found someone attaching demi to it and I was set XD.

Also I'm incredibly sorry for this mess of a post, I was just really happy I found such a relatable thread.

[NerudaLovePoem]

@Specialkay Demisexual here. Wow, I totally relate on the weird arousal. I fantasize about sex with a person I've grown close to and that feels arousing, sometimes to the point of making me believe that I'm interested in having sex but then in reality the idea freaks me out. I also really love cuddling and physical closeness, sometimes even kissing with closed mouths and I feel bad for my poor non demi partner as I don't want to give her the wrong impression. XD

Idk where I'm going with this. I guess just saying you're not alone and thanks for sharing that, I thought I was the only demi with a high libido.

[KulkulkanX]

i have recently realized that I am not solely Ace, but Demi. I met a wonderful woman on OKCupid, and we talked online for a coupe of weeks vefore we met face ti face. We git it off very well when we did.We have texted nearly daily since, often times for hours into the night. The past few days those discussion have gotten...intimate. Explicit even. U had never even been close ti dong that in the past, even though I'm now in my forties. That turned me on so much, a sensation that is alien to me. I apparently turn her on as well, she even had a sex dream about me. That is new to me as well.

I had aays been afraid of feeling sexual attraction for the first time, being so late in life.I was worried that I would have that attraction unrequited and thus very painful.I wooried that I would not know what to do if I did expereinc that feeling. I am happy to have been wrong on both counts. We live about an hour apart by car (I can't drive, being blind and all), but our schedules dom't coincide well. We hope to meet this week again, and see how far we can go.

[Member4445]

The pill has lowered my libido to -500 and nothing feels good anymore.

My sex favourableness is disappearing :(

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

I generally steer clear of drugs lest absolutely necessary. They scare me.

[enchantedsleeper]

Hey all :) I'm really happy to have found this space. For a while I've thought that I'm probably demisexual, but without really doing any research into it or trying to think what it means for me; just having the idea in the back of my mind. Then today after a conversation with my best friend I started to research it. This definition of demisexuality: http://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/ fits me to a T, especially this part: " Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals." I'd venture that I also identify as greysexual on some level, and it was researching that which brought me to this thread. I haven't looked into any of the more specific sublabels because I'm happy to just be my own variety of demi/greysexual without worrying about whether I have an identity that describes me exactly.

However, I'm in a long-term (over six years now) relationship with a partner who has a very high sex drive. In the beginning, it seemed like I did too; I'd never had sex before, it was all new and I wanted to try it, and I was younger and probably more hormonal back then. But these days I'd be happy to have sex about once a month and not really bother about it the rest of the time. I express affection through kissing and hugging and platonic touching, and for me none of those things are sexual, nor do they need to lead up to sex, and they matter more to me than the act of sex. For my partner, though, all of those things are sexual and usually a prelude to intimacy, so it's hard to just engage in affectionate touching without him wanting to go further. It's a problem.

I've often wondered whether I "just" have a low sex drive and/or have difficulty expressing myself sexually because of the way I was brought up. But even though either or both of those things might be true, I've realised that the way I approach sex is just different to someone like my partner, and for me figuring out sex is just less of a priority. I'd be happy not really knowing and just getting off occasionally instead of trying to find the magical key that will unlock a madly passionate drive for sex within me. I never feel unhappy about it except when it becomes a problem between us. I also read a lot of fanfic, and sometimes get irritated when I read about characters who are constantly turned on by each other's presence, who never have a hard time just falling into bed and having passionate sex, for whom an active sex life comes naturally and requires no effort. I empathise with that so little that it feels unrealistic. I often wish you could find more stories about couples whose experience is the opposite, but no-one wants to read about that. It's not good escapism.

That got a bit depressing... Anyway, I'm happy to have finally started exploring this and to have found this community, even though I'm not really sure where to go from here. Part of me wishes I could have figured all of this stuff out ages ago so that I could have explored relationships knowing who I was from the beginning instead of having to find out the hard way. It rarely works like that, though xD

@Ciri, I sometimes wonder if the pill has something to do with my disappearing sex drive as well. I think back to when I started taking it and wondering whether I was more sexually active before, or if it's just a coincidence. But I can't just come off the pill to try and compare. @Spectre/Ex/Machina, I never liked the idea of becoming dependent on a drug myself, and I put off going on the pill for years because of that, but for some of us it's not really an option to not take it.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

I was only speaking for myself, I never said that others can't choose to.

[enchantedsleeper]

I was only speaking for myself, I never said that others can't choose to.

I realise that. But you still said it, and my comment was a reply to what you said :) You shared your perspective, and I shared mine.

[dee615]

I've only just learnt this term tonight, and pleased to find something else (beside autochorisexuality) that relates to me.

I'm single at the moment, but was recently in a relationship for 9 years, with a lovely guy who stayed the distance for much longer than I ever expected. Last year we had to set each other free, and I truly hope he's getting his rocks off at long last.

I find myself yearning for another relationship, and in my mind "she'll be right on the night", forgetting the actual awkwardness of the first sexual encounters, the frustrating 'off-switch' that seems to activate as soon as we pass the bedroom door. I badly want that switch to stay on. I think about sex often, but sexual fantasies seem to be the only thing I can realistically have in my life. As soon as a real flesh & blood person is present, even one I fancy, it's bye-bye libido.

My own peculiar grey-aceness - that's always had me questioning what I am - is that I do experience sexual attraction, but I lack sexual urge. That is, I recognise my attraction to someone, but have no need or desire to introduce myself to them / pursue them, whatever. If that person should smile genuinely at me, I store that smile in my memory as a gem to be treasured. It's all I need. (until I remember how lonely I am. )

Of all the posts I've read on this site, this is the one I can most relate to. You echo my feelings EXACTLY when you talk about the "off-switch".

[Sutoriku]

I feel no sexual attraction or sexual desire (libido) though I enjoy thinking about and engaging in partnered sex with my significant other.

He is the only person I have not felt sex-repulsed, -averse or -indifferent to (and yes, I already tried 'experimenting' in my early days and have felt all three) though more than my own sexual gratification, I very much enjoy satisfying him.

Sex is a fun, partnered activity for me when I engage in it with my partner - like watching a movie together but you burn more calories ;). I think you do get to indulge in a vulnerability with sex that you don't get with any other activity, being so exposed - physically (nudity) and mentally (when sex can reduce you both to your basest instincts) - although both of us are very clear that sex is simply a fun little bonus and if necessary we'd be happy to continue our relationship without it. Sex is also something more private that we are able to share compared to a typical date-like activity like walking through the city or grabbing drinks where there could be strangers or even friends surrounding us all the time.

Just my two cents worth~ :D

Edit: I would also like to clarify that I have been in two serious relationships before my current one and with my first I was sex-repulsed to the point of severe nausea and tears and the second I was very sex-averse, avoiding contraceptives so that I couldn't have sex (it worked I guess cause no-one wanted to get me pregnant lol). At best I was indifferent during sexual conduct and waiting for them to "hurry up" so it could end and we could cuddle. At worst I had to leave and spend the rest of the day lying in my own bed recovering, shaking and nauseous.

It's not a matter of "you'll find the right person one day to make a switch flip" but I did happen to find in my current partner a man who is an exception to all my rules, sexually.

Above all you must be comfortable and happy! Compromise is good, as long as it doesn't make you unhappy or scared (like I was in my first relationship).

[butterscotchwm]

I don't know if my experience counts as "sex favorable" but I identify as ace (or at least ace-spec) in that whenever I feel close to someone, I pm just want to be affectionate and sensual with them. Maybe physiologically I'll get a little sensation in my groin-area but that doesn't really make me want to do anything with them except continue being sensual and romantic. I do enjoy that sensation though, and later on I might go home and masturbate but I won't be thinking about that person. I don't "get off" to people, really. I just imagine fictional characters and that typically does the trick. But whenever I think of a real person, even if it's my boyfriend or someone I find really attractive, my libido just shuts down.

I used to not have any libido at all, and I was like SUPER asexual. But I think I exist on a different place on the spectrum now. When I started masturbating I enjoyed the feeling and I enjoyed the orgasms, but I still don't have any intrinsic desire to have sex with anyone. I don't care if I end up never having sex my whole life (cuz I got my hands and my vibrator so lol). However, perhaps in the right circumstance I might be able to enjoy actually having sex with someone just for the sake of being stupid, having fun, and getting each other off. Who knows.

[Fluffy_Buttons]

I think I'm demi-sexual....but I really wish I wasn't. The reason I think this is because, in my whole life, I have only ever felt a strong attraction to two people. (And this is despite going on numerous dates and trying really hard to like somebody and have a relationship). Both the people who I became attracted to (and perhaps even fell in love with) were very very close friends (I'm female and they were both female). One was a housemate a uni and the other a housemate just after uni. It took over a year for me to build up the feelings but I cared about them so much, wanted to spend a lot of time with them, wanted to hug them etc. With the second, some sexual stuff did happen and I enjoyed it and wanted more. Unfortunately it didn't end very well as she wasn't a lesbian.

Ever since I have not had those same feelings towards anyone (and that was almost ten years ago). I wish I could have that again with someone who reciprocated but I realize how difficult that would be and I've accepted that I will most likely never have a relationship. Like I said, I've tried and I just don't feel the attraction. Anyway, I've pretty much accepted it now and I've got a lot of good things going on in my life so in many ways I think I'm very lucky.

you know what is strange? every demisexual i found about they have had only 2 people that got emotionaly attatched. (as i did until now, wich is 25 years old) and i tried and tried to go to dates, to meet new people. i tried to...but it wasn't exactly the type of relationship i wanted. something was missing big time.

And when they tried to compliment me, i was really confused. Like, one time, when a guy (was working in a coffee shop, and i just got there and was taking of my jacket) suddently began to make noises like he just ate something good,( that mmmm that you make after a cake) and pointed out my outfit: you look so sexy today! i had some pair of jeans since i was 17, and some pink t-shirt. i almost looked like a beggar with that outfit, but he somehow looked amazed at me and..boy he was pleased what he saw.

But you know what? i felt confused. he was damn serious, but i was confused. in the coffee shop were some clients, and he started saying that out loud?

and another time, another guy, one year earlier, we were kissing (couldn't say i liked that much) but boy, he did enjoy. He enjoyed so much that he got hard...ONLY BY KISSING!! And he told me that if i suck his D as good as i kiss, he is proposing me.

and then i didn't know what to believe or what to feel: i mean, to laugh at his poor preferences or way of judging things, to say he should get higher standards, or just to leave him feel good about himself.

Long story short, i don't know how good i suck his D (no ring...thank god) but that would be weird for me.

I don't feel comfortable in a relationship, mostly because of expectations. others expect sex from me, and i'm here like...no bitch, not today. Living in a hetero society, being demi-sexual, makes this really complicated. add Introversion to your personality and BAM, you get to be the weird one for the rest of your life.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

For the longest I felt like a monster because of my hypersexuality disorder (mixture of trauma induced and ADHD induced) and my fetishes, and even though I might spend the rest of my life feeling some level of shame, Im happy to say that level won't be as high as it was in the past.

TMI Warning

Basically my sex-related and relationship reality is this:

I'm a sex-favorable (Bi/Pan)Demiromantic Asexual in a committed polyamorous relationship with my fiance who is Bisexual

She loves seeing me with men and I love being seen by her with men

Basically if she likes something then I began to like it on some level too, I don't know why , it just is, it makes me feel like Im her puppet, which I have no complaints over.

I gave her my body and soul as a show of my undying devotion to her, she knows she doesn't literally own me, like real slavery ( not that she wants to), it's a fetish thing and a emo thing on my part and she is supportive and flattered.

She is the only person I will love in the romantic way, ever, in my life there is no romance in me without her.

I feel like Im everything,

There is my natural state of Asexual

When Im with her I feel straight, "straight passing", whatever.

When Im with a guy I feel kinda gay, like the saying, " that's totally gay".

When Im with my friends who are more sexually "adventurous" I "feel Bi".

I "felt lesbian" before when I was doing drag and wanted to experiment with girls, just not recent, but maybe if I do drag again, idk.

I guess that is where the Bi/Panromanticism comes in and explains things, I've also thought of going by the label "Queer".

These are just my feelings though.

Im a proud Asexual who is honored to have a lover who is an amazing, understanding and accepting of all of me. I wish others to have my luck.

So yea, that is just a we bit of stream of consciousness there.

Well, I do hope all of you are having a great day.

[binary suns]

I'm grey actually, but i stop by here occasionally. I actually totally identify with butterscotch's post. technically getting sexual arousal when being sensual with someone if a form of sexual attraction, but many people only ever feel it mildly like butterscotch says and still ID as ace.

me it isn't just low level arousal, however. unless it's with someone who I'm emotionally close with but otherwise not sexually attracted to. but then there's just some people who I'm mildly and relatively inexplicably attracted to sexually just by their looks, like theres a different gut feeling for the different types of attraction for me, and if it's string enough I'll feel warmth and pressure in my groin area but otherwise no arousal. but with these "sexual crushes" if I get closer to, my arousal is very hard to ignore. but I've never had it super strong with people - sometimes at night time if I've been ignoring my libido I wake up with this kind of scary strength of arousal, and I've never gotten that in association with a person. only as a result of the flux of my libido.

also, it's unsettling for me to imagine a person when fantasizing or masturbating - only characters. I can't even imagine myself, but I might imagine myself as an alternative, false version of me.

when I was sexually active, it was all very confusing. I'd get the signs of attraction as I've described, but sex never felt right. there were times or was great in the literal sensation.... but emotionally, it was foreign and scary. I didn't like the way that sex made my feel vulnerable - but nude cuddling was comforting and frenching was exciting.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

My , as they say "neuro-divergence", makes my sexuality quirky and even bothersome. I survive though.

[binary suns]

sometimes I wonder if my neur-divergence is the reason for my "limitied sex drive" but then. it's just so obviously different, comparing how I feel withdrawn from sexual activity and romance, compared to how I feel withdrawn from, say, the outdoors when that had been an issue. with my fear of leaving my safe apartment, that was just so clearly fear and avoidance. it was just... the feelings were so very different.

and, well, there are feelings of avoidance when I think of sexual or romantic activity with specific people, but, it's smaller in strength compared to the feelings I get that make the idea of sex and romance feel very foreign and unlike me. and it's how sex feels so foreign, so "incorrect" for my body, that makes me identify on the ace side of things.

and, in the end. if I'm happy with how I am, then I am as I am. someone who is "repressed" would feel a need to change themselves, right? idk..

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

Just be happy with yourself cause you is all you got.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

Just be happy with yourself cause you is all you got.

[stereomancer]

Well I had a few asexual romantic relationships but my last 2 relationships were both with sexual women. At first it was ok. I wasn't opposed to it and I liked pleasing her. After awhile I lost interest. I never got a whole lot out of sex myself. I eventually just sort of grew bored with it. It seemed like a lot of work and sweat for a really short pay off. I identify as gray because I do sometimes rarely will initiate sexual contact in a relationship but its usually not me I'm usually not that interested and Ive grown bored or even.. fallen asleep in the middle of sex. (That really hurt her and I felt bad about it)

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

I've had a couple of incidents (with the same person) where I got so bored I zoned out and I did fall asleep when we had sex, it was awkward. Shit happens is how I look at it.

[Eligrace52]

I've just recently discovered that I'm grey-ace. This delayed discovery is mostly because I have such a high sex drive that often I just want to get rid of libido urges so I have sex with people I am not actually attracted to. I enjoy sexual sensation and am turned on in specific situations. But my libido is very directionless. I probably give off a lot of sexual energy which means people see me largely as sexual.

But I've also recently become rather sex repulsed and don't really like the idea of partnered sex. I've had a lot of partners in the past and only really been attracted to three of them. I get confused by people liking strangers. Why do people want to have sex with specific strangers/acquaintances that they don't actually have any connections with? I enjoy sex, but I don't want to have it with anyone in particular.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

I personally just ID as asexual cause if Im not attracted to anyone why label as anything else. I rely heavily on my fetishism to get me going with someone because they alone do nothing for me in that regard. I have a high libido and struggle with Hypersexuality disorder brought about by my ADHD and trauma but I don't see why any of that should negate my orientation or lack of orientation. I swear I've shown my allo friends this site and they don't get why sexual desire and sexual attraction are conflated here. My experience of sexuality is different than theirs, they have clear directed desires and well defined attractions and I don't. It's not just them either, it's like every person I've ever met, chatted with online or read up on in media. This site is so strange sometimes. Not saying anythings bad, it is just really odd because noone outside this site talks in the way I've seen people on this site talk about sexuality, heck not even the aces I've met IRL.

[borkfork]

I swear I've shown my allo friends this site and they don't get why sexual desire and sexual attraction are conflated here. My experience of sexuality is different than theirs, they have clear directed desires and well defined attractions and I don't.

The people in my munch groups don't get it either. (They just figured me out. I got a "World's Okayest Asexual" shirt for Secret Santa last year so yeah, glass closet.)

I'm not sex-favorable, but I look at my indifference as a byproduct of the lack of attraction (and my past experience is also a likely factor).

[borkfork]

.

[Harper]

I think that I desire a sexual relationship, but it does not actually translate to the real thing. The physical act of sex itself feels very hollow for me.

I'm still trying to figure everything out.  

After years of struggling to repress the emotional fallout of childhood sexual abuse and also trying my damn-dest to play the heteronormative female role, I'm only now just starting to drop the act and be honest with myself. 

I've got more questions than answers yet, but it's a relief, in a way, to give myself some breathing room and a little grace to even ponder these things. 

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

Just remember that you can take all the time you need to work it out.

[Lizzytreble13]

My husband and I have been together for two years, and we've figured out how to relate to each other sexually. I'm not entirely sure how to describe myself - demisexual seems to make sense to me sometimes. I do have a libido, but I don't actually feel sexual attraction. Sometimes I really want to have intercourse with my husband, but it doesn't feel like much to me, and I mostly want it to make him feel good. I feel bad sometimes, because he's so turned on by me and my body, but I just don't experience the same feelings. We've got our ways of making each other/ourselves feel good without actually having sex, which makes me happy, so the times we do fully have sex are more rare. We're both very happy in the relationship, and we both feel fulfilled a/sexually.