What's Your Story?(Sex-Favoroable Aces)

[Granite4Breakfast]

1 hour ago, ModestFox said:

Curiosity was what made me try in the first place  But now it's something I want to do again in the future, so for me that's more than just curiosity. Sensuality is certainly a part of it, too. I don't know if I'd like it with a different partner. With my current one, I'm not pressured to perform at all, or do it a certain way, and I don't feel a desire to get someone off nor do I necessarily need them to do it to me.

Oh, so then it ain't just me 😆 good to know. I can for sure see it helping not being pressured or anything. With an allosexual there could definitely be that expectation to get what they get from it. I guess you are just free to 'play around' per se and experiment in a very open way, which sounds awesome.

 

1 hour ago, ModestFox said:

It could, but it could as well be a decrease in sensitivity. It can happen even when I'm alone, although I anticipate pleasure in that case, too.

I heard some sexuals don't enjoy receiving as much as they enjoy giving, so they might feel similarly. But my experience of giving was also more exciting at the start than it was a few minutes after. Maybe it's just an attention deficit xD

 

Actually, one of my earliest conclusions on the subject of sexual attraction contained this TMI

Yeah, makes sense. I also tend to lose the enthusiasm after a few minutes of whatever I'm doing, and that's the other thing, sexuality is so complex, so many factors are at play, you never really know what leads to what. Even for allosexuals, so add in whatever weird confusion we have and it sure doesn't make it easy!

 

And yeah, sounds like that is sexual more than anything. I've got similar things I want to try that are similar in nature, so sexual more than sensual.

 

1 hour ago, ModestFox said:

That's not the only activity I'm interested in, but even so, it looks like I can only be happy with another grey ace, a sexual for whom sex isn't very important, or an asexual who doesn't mind compromising.

I think I'm the same, and luckily I'm in a similar boat, my partner is also on the ace spectrum. While I do want to experiment, I think if they never do then I will be okay, for a long while anyways, as it is more curiosity than intrinsic need.

 

I think I've been getting so caught up in trying to define my sexuality lately that I've forgotten to just let it all play out. I've been thinking about it all too much, it's getting to my head. I don't need a label, I need to do whatever makes me happy, and that's first and foremost the emotional connection with my partner, anything sexual is not priority. I know I'm kind of just rambling now, but it has been really great discussing with you and a few others on the forum, just good knowing I'm not alone in how I feel.

[Quoissant]

Reading everyone's stories here is pretty relieving. I've always been a pretty sexual person, having a lot of sexual thoughts and fantasies, to the point where I've thought it's too much at times. There are even points where I wish I was asexual or didn't think about sexual topics. This may also be partially due to things my parents had told me when I was younger. I was curious about sex and looked things up online, and they told me I was disgusting for doing so and they were disappointed. That shame stuck with me. I'm learning to realize it's okay to be open about sex and sexuality now. Although I do have sexual thoughts, and there are things about people that are arousing, sex itself with a person, so far, has not done anything for me. I don't really feel much, and it feels like I'm faking it to actually pretend like I'm enjoying it. It could be that I need more in a relationship before enjoying things. I'm really not sure. But some people's experiences are surprisingly similar to my own .

[Caevana]

Hey there! Been lurking around the forum for a while (on a different account--never posted, can't find my login info).  I'll try to keep this from becoming a novel, but I've had a similar roller-coaster to others here.  The good news is that the ending is pretty happy, so feel free to skip ahead if you'd like!

 

I spent most of my teenage years desperate to be in a relationship.  I was overweight and bullied, didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18 and in college.  I didn't have my first proper "boyfriend / girlfriend" sexual relationship until I was 23 and that relationship lasted four years with about 3 years of it as long-distance (we flew back and forth regularly and I moved in with him for about 4 months).  My boyfriend at that time was younger than me and more sexually driven.  I didn't really know how to handle it.  He was a good person and we had a decent enough relationship, but he often made me feel guilty about not initiating sex with him or me not wanting to engage in sexual conversations over the phone.  I think my lack of a drive to engage in physical intimacy made him feel unwanted or unloved.  Eventually our relationship dwindled.  There was no explosive finale, we just decided we were only friends at that point and nothing more.

 

For the next 8 years, I never sought out romance or relationships.  I focused on myself--finished my Masters, worked for several years, bought a house, then finished my PhD.  I was quite happy by myself.  I never felt like anything was really lacking in my life and I couldn't really understand some of my female friends who would express dissatisfaction with life whenever they weren't in a relationship.  I knew how fulfilling a relationship could be, but the process seemed... exhausting.

 

I had a "friend" (heavy quotations intended) who made assumptions about my sexuality and would frequently make subtle jokes or comments about me being "burly" or "butch" or her "lesbian" friend.  I'm not hyper-feminine and I don't take those words as inherent insults, but coming from her it was obvious they were intended to be degrading.  I didn't really have any sexual leaning, so I never corrected her assumptions.  This was before I really understood asexuality and my place on the asexual spectrum.  Frankly her comments were hurtful--not because I was upset at being viewed as a lesbian, which was never an issue for me--but because I knew she was saying these things to put me down.  Her comments made me question myself, my sexual identity, and whether there was something wrong with me.  If I had found this forum back then, I think I would have found peace in myself much sooner.

 

When I finally learned I was an asexual, it was like a light went on in my head.  Everything I had felt (or not felt) up to that point made complete sense.  I read a lot online and got involved in the LGBTQIA group on my campus.  I found a lot of comfort in the Ace group during the LGBT+ Summit in 2019, cut off my toxic friend, and started to settle back into the comfort and happiness I had once felt on my own.  It was a huge relief to have this identity and know there are a lot of people out there just like me. 

 

In August of 2019, I met a guy through a video game (WoW Classic).  I lived in Texas, he was in North Carolina.  We became close platonic friends and, in a SHOCKING turn of events for me because I identified as purely asexual at the time, I began to develop an attraction towards him.  It had been more than a decade since I felt genuine attraction towards anyone, male or female, and it caught me off-guard.  I kept trying to reaffirm my asexuality (and avoid getting hurt) by telling myself that I didn't need a relationship.  It took a bit of introspection, but I finally admitted my attraction to him and learned that I was a demisexual.  He reciprocated and...

 

Well, this is going to sound cheesy, but you can't really stop love.  He moved to Texas, we were married in December of 2019 (yes, after only knowing each other for 4 months), and we have been incredibly happy together through all of the madness of 2020.  I can honestly say I never expected to be as happy as I am right now and there's simply no way I could have made it through the last year without him.  My wonderful, loving, understanding husband has never once pushed me for sex or made me feel guilty if we go through long stretches (typically months) without physical intimacy beyond kissing or holding hands.  He is my best friend and I can't believe I was lucky enough to find a partner in this life that matches me in the way he does.  I've never felt a level of emotional intimacy like this before and it makes our occasional moments of physical intimacy that much more enjoyable.

 

Sorry for the novel.  It's been a bumpy journey but I don't think I would trade it for anything.

Edited February 23, 2021 by Caevana

[Terra Branford]

Hello Everyone, 

 

I recently discovered this site a few weeks ago (as you can see, I'm a newbie lol). About a month ago I started to question my sexuality more and more due to a conversation I was having with another woman who identified as Ace. When I was younger I was taught from movies, society, family members, etc, that you grow up, go to school, get a job, and get married. I thought that was the blue print everyone was suppose to follow. I got the hang of school and job parts (sort of), however when it came to relationships....I hit a block. When I was a kid I had "crushes" meaning, if you see someone you thought was cute, you called him your bf, innocent stuff. However, when I got to middle school my crushes became more intense. I would admire and obsess from afar, but never try to initiate any type of contact. I was too shy and insecure. These crushes would last for years. However, when I actually got a chance to see them up close, I wasn't all that interested anymore. I didn't start to realize I was different until I was in HS. It seemed like everyone was hooking up and having relationships. Then there was me, just kind of...sitting there.

 

I thought I wanted a bf but I had a hard time finding someone I "liked." I was miserable because I assumed everyone who was in a relationship was with someone they genuinely liked and I felt barred from that. However, looking back whenever I was talking to someone I thought I was interested in, I never pushed the conversation to be sexual. It was always the boys and I would just play along. However, I couldn't imagine being physically intimate with them. I attributed it to fear of getting pregnant and catching an STD. Those boys would eventually disappear from my life all together. Then I "met" HIM. I started talking to this guy online wen I was 17. He was cute and seemed like he just wanted to be my friend. I started to like him after a few months of talking back and forth. There was one problem: Distance. I had moved to another state and he joined the military. So it was pretty much doomed from the start. We were online friends for 3 years until I could sense he met someone else. Unable to bear the potential of seeing him with someone else, I left social media all together, but the pain never went away. 

 

I eventually learned about a year later he had gotten married, and had a child. I was heart broken. I never told him how I felt because it didn't make sense. I never met him face to face, so telling him how I felt was pointless. I had a feeling he had already made up in his mind it wasn't going to work before he actually met another woman. That was 10 years ago and I still struggle with it. It's strange because after I got back on social media, he's been actively engaging with my activity. So we speak from time to time. I'm not in as much pain as I was before, but I still care for him. He never once made me feel pressure to do anything not even made our conversations sexual. I think that's why I fell for him, he gave me a chance to like him. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. In the last decade I haven't been remotely interested in anyone romantically or physically. And I have never been in a relationship or been physically intimate with anyone at age 27. I know this post is long, so I'll end it right here.  One of the biggest struggles I have with my sexuality is how difficult it is to move on from hard crushes and get on with my life.

 

At this point in my life, I'm beginning to make peace with the fact that I may end up being by myself. I'll just have friendships and family relationships for the rest of my life. And that's okay.

Edited February 28, 2021 by Luna Aureliea
Fixing errors.

[TheListener]

On 2/26/2021 at 11:33 PM, Luna Aureliea said:

Hello Everyone, 

 

I recently discovered this site a few weeks ago (as you can see, I'm a newbie lol). About a month ago I started to question my sexuality more and more due to a conversation I was having with another woman who identified as Ace. When I was younger I was taught from movies, society, family members, etc, that you grow up, go to school, get a job, and get married. I thought that was the blue print everyone was suppose to follow. I got the hang of school and job parts (sort of), however when it came to relationships....I hit a block. When I was a kid I had "crushes" meaning, if you see someone you thought was cute, you called him your bf, innocent stuff. However, when I got to middle school my crushes became more intense. I would admire and obsess from afar, but never try to initiate any type of contact. I was too shy and insecure. These crushes would last for years. However, when I actually got a chance to see them up close, I wasn't all that interested anymore. I didn't start to realize I was different until I was in HS. It seemed like everyone was hooking up and having relationships. Then there was me, just kind of...sitting there.

 

I thought I wanted a bf but I had a hard time finding someone I "liked." I was miserable because I assumed everyone who was in a relationship was with someone they genuinely liked and I felt barred from that. However, looking back whenever I was talking to someone I thought I was interested in, I never pushed the conversation to be sexual. It was always the boys and I would just play along. However, I couldn't imagine being physically intimate with them. I attributed it to fear of getting pregnant and catching an STD. Those boys would eventually disappear from my life all together. Then I "met" HIM. I started talking to this guy online wen I was 17. He was cute and seemed like he just wanted to be my friend. I started to like him after a few months of talking back and forth. There was one problem: Distance. I had moved to another state and he joined the military. So it was pretty much doomed from the start. We were online friends for 3 years until I could sense he met someone else. Unable to bear the potential of seeing him with someone else, I left social media all together, but the pain never went away. 

 

I eventually learned about a year later he had gotten married, and had a child. I was heart broken. I never told him how I felt because it didn't make sense. I never met him face to face, so telling him how I felt was pointless. I had a feeling he had already made up in his mind it wasn't going to work before he actually met another woman. That was 10 years ago and I still struggle with it. It's strange because after I got back on social media, he's been actively engaging with my activity. So we speak from time to time. I'm not in as much pain as I was before, but I still care for him. He never once made me feel pressure to do anything not even made our conversations sexual. I think that's why I fell for him, he gave me a chance to like him. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. In the last decade I haven't been remotely interested in anyone romantically or physically. And I have never been in a relationship or been physically intimate with anyone at age 27. I know this post is long, so I'll end it right here.  One of the biggest struggles I have with my sexuality is how difficult it is to move on from hard crushes and get on with my life.

 

At this point in my life, I'm beginning to make peace with the fact that I may end up being by myself. I'll just have friendships and family relationships for the rest of my life. And that's okay.

Reading your post was touching. I hope there's another "HIM" in your future.

[BloodyButterfly]

Hi all. I love this thread. 💜 Learned another new term - cupiosexual - and I guess it might apply to me (along with autochorissexual, though I prefer anegosexual, just prefer how the word sounds). I am still fairly new to the idea that I may be asexual and still trying to figure out how much I want sex for me, and to what extent my wish for it was conditioned by the belief that it's "an important part of a healthy relationship".

 

I am starting to think that the intimacy involved is part of the appeal. Though it can be a little work and take some fantasizing to keep myself aroused to the end. This always made me feel guilty, and perhaps somewhat still does, but less so now that I know about asexuality. My husband and I are not doing PIV anyway though, as we struggled with it, and I now feel like I don't care if we never do.

 

Given the fantasizing during, I thought maybe I wouldn't mind if we never did anything sexual, but I'm thinking the intimacy aspect has an appeal for me... I'm ok with "helping myself" a lot of the time too (I have a higher libido than him). 

 

But yeah, I feel like I am more excited by the idea of sex and don't have much need to actually take part, as long as my libido is taken care of. 

 

[riasandra]

Hello everyone!

This is my first post and I just recently identified myself as a gray heterosexual aswell as a straith and a graysexual.

As being a grace you can be in any part of the so called spectrum of the gray area. Even tho mostlikely most people here are identifying themselves as ace and grace I personallyt identify myself more as a sexual grace. I have never been as sexually active as some people I know and never understood the massive need for sex that other people do. So even tho I do enjoy sex and I am very sex positive I would never feel the need to have it. I would go through my so called active period when single and when at the start of the relationship but then it would go away. I wont mind sex but I wont be the one to initiate it cuz i dont feel the need. Also, I find it more akward and boring than the most people although I enjoy it. alot of the time my partners would get obsessed about me having an orgasm where i would only enjoy the process more. 

For the longest time i tought that i am broken and i didnt know why.

 

What do you guys think? any advice? 

I just started seeing someone and also dont know how to go about this. My ex knew that I wasnt as sexually active even tho I didnt know about graysexuality and even if he said its was fine with him he still ended up taking it personally and thinking that i dont find him attractive at all. 

[lulula]

hi everyone ! i think i am a sex-favourable asexual person and i like that this thread exists.

i'm 22 years old and i don't experience sexual attraction or arousal almost at all. i have only ever had two crushes in my life and only one where i felt sexual attraction. as i grew older and my peers starting becoming sexually active, it felt a little isolating, and i really desperately wanted to become involved in something that seemed like a 'rite of passage' for adulthood. i did try to consider that maybe i was a lesbian, too, but i'm also not that.

i still enjoy thinking about sex, and expressing myself in a sexual way. 

[jellyfish_cake]

I have always had an unhealthy behavior around sex. I didn't feel anything during intercourse, it was almost always painful or I just felt bored...

 

I believed that if everybody did it, I must like it too... specially because I wanted to be loved so much. I learned pompoar, I entered in a bunch of bad relationships where my partners would give a lot of attention when they wanted sex and then ignore me completely for the rest of the time, hang out with friends and doing new activities excluding me etc...

 

I masturbate and watch porn sometimes... but when it comes to real people, I always feel uneasy and uncomfortable. There are cases in which I like it, but it's rare and more linked to the sentimental interaction than with the actual intercourse.

[Wirraga]

I’m new to this site and its only been recent that I felt comfortable with calling myself a Gray Ace. But for years I’ve question myself with past relationships and sexual interactions I’ve never really enjoyed them found them quite boring but I am able to watch porn  and enjoy that go figure but masturbation is mainly a stress relief for me.

[Apellonyx]

I identify as a very specific type of cupiosexual (that being that my cupiosexuality also has elements of both demisexuality and fraysexuality, as illogical as that may sound). But let's disregard those more specific identifiers for the purposes of this reply and just focus on the "cupio-" part of my sexuality. I usually equate it to this scenario:

 

Imagine you absolutely HATE grocery shopping, but your partner enjoys it. They are aware of the fact that you hate going for groceries, so they usually go get them on their own. But every now and then, they might ask you to go with them to the store. They aren't asking because they're hoping you're suddenly going to enjoy it, but rather because they need the help and they want to spend time with you. So you go together. And as it turns out, it's not bad. In fact, it's kind of enjoyable. Now that's not because you suddenly like grocery shopping, obviously (because it's still terrible). Instead, it's because the shared experience of your PARTNER'S enjoyment is enough to overshadow the grocery shopping itself. They're enjoying themself, and they've chosen to show YOU that joy, out of everyone else in the world they could have asked, and that in itself is fulfilling to you.

 

I experience sexuality in the same general way when I'm within that "cupio-" region of a relationship. I don't participate often, but when I do, I don't participate because I want sex, but rather because I find joy in pleasing my partner, who chose to share that part of their life with me. And that makes the entire experience a positive one. Even though I wasn't seeking sexual gratification, I was gratified by an act that just happened to be sexual in nature.

[incandescing]

I don't know if I'm sex-favorable or just sex-curious. I went most of my life without pursuing sex or romance; I had friends that I liked hugging, sometimes sleeping next to, and generally being around, but I never felt the need to do more than that. I still had some romantic drive, so I went on roleplay websites and played out dates and such there.

 

A few years ago, I was depressed and lonely, and thinking about all the "real life" experiences I'd never had. I happened to read the manga My lesbian experience with loneliness, about an adult woman who hires a sex worker to lose her virginity, and her emotional journey before, during, and afterwards. I looked around, and found an escort service; though scared shitless, I booked a session.

 

Results: inconclusive. I found that I really liked giving, or aspects of giving (I'm more comfortable with fingering than oral), but didn't care for receiving at all. When my "turn" came, I couldn't orgasm, or get anywhere close to it; at best it felt mildly pleasant, but not sexy or arousing. I think if it hadn't been a stranger, but someone I felt emotionally close to, I might have been able to let myself go more. I don't think I'm a stone top. But the experience left me with some unanswered questions. I'd like to try being in a romantic or grayromantic relationship someday, and see how that affects my sexuality.

[Clarity1965]

You don't want to know my story. But I am definitely non-sexual and not exactly looking for a relationship. Companionship is more like it. Im a male, BTW.

[Fingolfin]

What's my story... 

 

I feel like I'm a gray ace with a sprinkle of demi. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone other than the 2 people I've been in relationships with (and very briefly Dean Winchester from Supernatural). I was trying to explain to my husband how my brain works, and I told him that in my brain, he's more attractive than Charlize Theron and Tom Hardy, even though clearly objectively he'd be way at the bottom of the list.

 

But I've been trying to tease out what's libido and what's not. Do allosexual people have the ability to just... get sexually aroused on command? I feel like it's either up or it's not (metaphorically speaking, I'm a woman with a vagina here 😛) So I think when my libido is up, it's like a heat seeking missle, and my husband is what it'll latch onto. But even then, I could still generally take or leave sex, like, I know it'll go back down, unlike him, for whom it builds. I always thought that was because of a male/female difference, but maybe not? 

 

I'm also trying to remember how it was with my first relationship in college. I definitely had a larger capacity and desire for sex, but maybe that's just because I was younger and it was my first sexual experience (or when experience being aroused. At 19. That's not normal, is it??) 

 

As you can see, my story is less narrative and more questions. But I'm grateful for a space to explore them with fellow questioners 🙂

[Fingolfin]

On 11/21/2021 at 1:28 AM, Apellonyx said:

Imagine you absolutely HATE grocery shopping, but your partner enjoys it. They are aware of the fact that you hate going for groceries, so they usually go get them on their own. But every now and then, they might ask you to go with them to the store. They aren't asking because they're hoping you're suddenly going to enjoy it, but rather because they need the help and they want to spend time with you. So you go together. And as it turns out, it's not bad. In fact, it's kind of enjoyable. Now that's not because you suddenly like grocery shopping, obviously (because it's still terrible). Instead, it's because the shared experience of your PARTNER'S enjoyment is enough to overshadow the grocery shopping itself. They're enjoying themself, and they've chosen to show YOU that joy, out of everyone else in the world they could have asked, and that in itself is fulfilling to you.

I'm sorry are you living my life? 😄

[Guest]

Hi, I'm Katherine, 30-something demi/Grey. As a teenager I didn't really think I was different to anyone else. I had crushes, had sexual thoughts, but never had a relationship (or been kissed) until I was in my mid twenties. I had a long distance association with a guy I met at university, but I was never physically attracted to him, i was lonely and wanted a relationship and we got on with each other really well. We never had sex but we regularly sexted, which I enjoyed even though I became aware that something was different between us. He was sexual, and I then realised I wasn't. I realised that I enjoyed the fantasy of sexting with him but didn't actually want to do those things in real life. This confused me for a long time. I couldn't understand why I would physically and mentally enjoy fantasising about sexual acts I didn't want to do. I have never been sexually attracted to anyone I've ever known, but I'm attracted to the idea of making love with a guy who I am deeply in love with, so I can definitely associate with being demisexual. But I have never been in love so it's never happened. As the years have gone by I now associate with being greysexual, because the desire for sexual activity, even just in my head, comes and goes in phases. I can go months and months feeling that sex is definitely something I don't want at all, in any way, then suddenly I feel more demisexual and fantasise regularly about sex with an imaginary boyfriend. Then it disappears again. When I was a teenager I viewed sex as something really romantic, and that it was a very private, intimate connection. But then I started watching porn and became completely turned off by sex. I am still unsure of how I feel about sex, because I've never had it. What I've seen in porn actually disgusts me a little. For instance, (sorry if this is TMI. Skip this bit if you're disgusted by sex) the slapping noises, the groping which is totally not sensual in any way - do porn stars know what a "caress" is?! - the way it's totally fake and forced with no believable chemistry or connection between the two participants (two people just going at it is totally a turn off). I also really, really feel put off by how "violent" passionate sex looks. I don't mean bdsm or anything like that, I mean plain vanilla sex. I hate the way a Woman's body jerks with the force of a guy's thrusts, I hate the way sexual women can joke about not being able to walk after "good" sex. I hate the idea of being pushed against a wall for a kiss, it's too domineering. This partly worries me that I am so utterly vanilla and boring that I couldn't be passionate enough or satisfy a partner anyway. It's just so much easier to not have sex and not have to deal with stds, smear tests, contraception, and trying to understand my own sexual desires or lack of. There are so many things in life more important to me than sex, I could very happily live without it. I am a romantic person, I'm not aromantic, and when I was younger I used to pine for a relationship so bad it really upset me how lonely I was. But in the past 5 years, after struggling with a chronic illness, still living with my parents, being pretty damn antisocial and very very shy and introverted, I've come to the understanding that I will most likely be single my whole life, and I am OK with that. I am in love with too many fictional men anyway lol (I read and write too many books, and fall for too many celebrities). 

[Hellywelly]

I’ve only just come to the full realisation that I’m asexual. 
Sex for me has been the thing I’ve done because society says I’m supposed to. I’ve never felt sexually attracted to people. I dream of holding hands and snuggling. I’m autistic and have adhd and have masked who I really am my entire life, I’m now 47. I think sex was part of the masking; trying to appear “normal”. 
Since discovering my neurodivergency 12 months ago, I’ve been unmasking, discovering myself which has led to the realisation that I’m asexual. I’ve also found that once sex is out of the equation, I don’t mind who I have a romantic/platonic relationship with so I consider myself panromantic. I’m happy single but I wouldn’t mind a relationship where we talk, share interests, boost each other, support each other and maybe with some handholding and the occasional kiss. Affection and companionship, not sex

[Dianthus]

On 3/20/2022 at 7:03 AM, Black-purple-grey said:

Hi, I'm Katherine, 30-something demi/Grey. As a teenager I didn't really think I was different to anyone else. I had crushes, had sexual thoughts, but never had a relationship (or been kissed) until I was in my mid twenties. I had a long distance association with a guy I met at university, but I was never physically attracted to him, i was lonely and wanted a relationship and we got on with each other really well. We never had sex but we regularly sexted, which I enjoyed even though I became aware that something was different between us. He was sexual, and I then realised I wasn't. I realised that I enjoyed the fantasy of sexting with him but didn't actually want to do those things in real life. This confused me for a long time. I couldn't understand why I would physically and mentally enjoy fantasising about sexual acts I didn't want to do. I have never been sexually attracted to anyone I've ever known, but I'm attracted to the idea of making love with a guy who I am deeply in love with, so I can definitely associate with being demisexual. But I have never been in love so it's never happened. As the years have gone by I now associate with being greysexual, because the desire for sexual activity, even just in my head, comes and goes in phases. I can go months and months feeling that sex is definitely something I don't want at all, in any way, then suddenly I feel more demisexual and fantasise regularly about sex with an imaginary boyfriend. Then it disappears again. When I was a teenager I viewed sex as something really romantic, and that it was a very private, intimate connection. But then I started watching porn and became completely turned off by sex. I am still unsure of how I feel about sex, because I've never had it. What I've seen in porn actually disgusts me a little. For instance, (sorry if this is TMI. Skip this bit if you're disgusted by sex) the slapping noises, the groping which is totally not sensual in any way - do porn stars know what a "caress" is?! - the way it's totally fake and forced with no believable chemistry or connection between the two participants (two people just going at it is totally a turn off). I also really, really feel put off by how "violent" passionate sex looks. I don't mean bdsm or anything like that, I mean plain vanilla sex. I hate the way a Woman's body jerks with the force of a guy's thrusts, I hate the way sexual women can joke about not being able to walk after "good" sex. I hate the idea of being pushed against a wall for a kiss, it's too domineering. This partly worries me that I am so utterly vanilla and boring that I couldn't be passionate enough or satisfy a partner anyway. It's just so much easier to not have sex and not have to deal with stds, smear tests, contraception, and trying to understand my own sexual desires or lack of. There are so many things in life more important to me than sex, I could very happily live without it. I am a romantic person, I'm not aromantic, and when I was younger I used to pine for a relationship so bad it really upset me how lonely I was. But in the past 5 years, after struggling with a chronic illness, still living with my parents, being pretty damn antisocial and very very shy and introverted, I've come to the understanding that I will most likely be single my whole life, and I am OK with that. I am in love with too many fictional men anyway lol (I read and write too many books, and fall for too many celebrities). 

You sound a lot like me. Up until very recently, I only ever had sexual thoughts and romantic feelings, with only an occasional desire to pursue actual sex. I had my first kiss at 23, and it was awful! It didn't work out with that guy at all, though I thought at the time that I should date him because he was normal and handsome. He was the kind of person I was supposed to want. I didn't have a good experience with physical intimacy until I was 28, and even then I didn't have sex. In the years following I found that I liked being on my own, and didn't really miss being with another person. Even when I fell for an old friend, the idea of an intimate relationship with him held me back from telling him how I felt. I did eventually decide to tell him, and it turned out horribly. After that I was positive that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. 

Fast forward to a month ago, I had sex with a guy after knowing him for...a week? He was very direct with what he wanted, asked me what I wanted to do, and respected the answer I gave. We went slow, and didn't advance anything until I gave the go ahead. Since then we've had sex multiple times, and they've all been good. But mainly because we're communicating while we're doing it, our bodies fit together (we're physically almost the same size), and we check in with each other.
Porn is absolutely not an accurate representation of what good sex can be, and it definitely isn't supposed to hurt or make it hard for you to walk. Whoever came up with that had to be a straight man.  

You definitely don't have to have sex if you don't want to, but I just wanted to say that it can be good if you can find someone to take your time with. Again, it's not necessary, but it's also not bad. 
 

[BeADreamer]

Figured out I was asexual my freshman year of college. I’d never had sex with anyone before at that time, although ironically, I’d never thought about having sex with anyone ever in my life until I started reading through the threads on AVEN and realizing that that was an important thing to most people in a non-platonic relationship - and I knew I wanted a romantic relationship at some point in my life (I’m on the aro-spectrum too though). So anyway, after thinking about that for a while I decided that sex would be something I was ok with doing if I ever had a partner in my life who found it important.

 

Fast forward a few years, and I agreed to let my sister set me up on a blind date. She told him ahead of time that I was aro/ace. I brought it up too after I realized that this relationship might actually be headed in the romantic direction. He was very understanding and asked a lot of questions about it. We were friends for a while, and he didn’t even kiss me until we’d known each other 6 months - which I appreciated. I still don’t feel any romantic or sexual attraction to him, but I do love him and from the outside, our relationship looks like a ‘normal’ relationship. We do have sex, and I enjoy it when we do. But he always has to initiate because if he doesn’t, I’m perfectly content to just cuddle forever and it’ll never cross my mind.

[rainbowocollie]

I quite like sex..... in theory. I don't think I want it in reality. I would say I have (very very rarely) experienced sexual attraction. But I don't wish to act on it. I like erotica, written or in art, and I like the idea of lesbian sex. I like boobs. I like the female form. I do masturbate for self pleasuring purposes, and erotica does make me horny. So in a sense I'm sex favorable, and since I can experience sexual attraction without wanting it reciprocated I'm lithsexual. I don't believe I want a sexual relationship at all. I'd prefer to take care of my horniness by myself.

[Reindeer]

I can have it but I find a different sort of amusement from it than I think most people do. I do have kinks but those are entirely different things. I do find making others aroused amusing and enjoy making them suffer endlessly as I do the smallest actions to drive them insane. Perhaps I am a bit of a sadist though

[smellincoffee]

I considered myself asexual from 2005 (when I first heard about it) to roughly...2010.   I'd become aware of my tendency to latch on to 'identities' in  college and  was backing away from them to accept my feelings and opinions as they were, without creating a Label that I married.   Two years later I underwent personal changes -- dramatic weight loss -- and I suddenly underwent a fifteen-years late puberty.   I began experiencing sexual attraction and found it very disruptive and distracting.   By that point I'd settled into who I was, which was a person...not particularly attractive to most people --  a minimalist anti-consumer who doesn't have a TV, doesn't want one,  has no interest in a 4-bedroom house with a sprawling yard, etc -- so  my first forays into dating went nowhere, and I realized this was an awful lot of emotional energy/work into a pursuit with seemingly little payoff,  and stopped bothering. Then, naturally, I met someone else who is a borderline demisexual, so we're slowly talking and occasionally hugging. 

[Polandra]

On 12/11/2021 at 4:35 AM, Fingolfin said:

What's my story... 

 

I feel like I'm a gray ace with a sprinkle of demi. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone other than the 2 people I've been in relationships with (and very briefly Dean Winchester from Supernatural). I was trying to explain to my husband how my brain works, and I told him that in my brain, he's more attractive than Charlize Theron and Tom Hardy, even though clearly objectively he'd be way at the bottom of the list.

 

But I've been trying to tease out what's libido and what's not. Do allosexual people have the ability to just... get sexually aroused on command? I feel like it's either up or it's not (metaphorically speaking, I'm a woman with a vagina here 😛) So I think when my libido is up, it's like a heat seeking missle, and my husband is what it'll latch onto. But even then, I could still generally take or leave sex, like, I know it'll go back down, unlike him, for whom it builds. I always thought that was because of a male/female difference, but maybe not? 

 

I'm also trying to remember how it was with my first relationship in college. I definitely had a larger capacity and desire for sex, but maybe that's just because I was younger and it was my first sexual experience (or when experience being aroused. At 19. That's not normal, is it??) 

 

As you can see, my story is less narrative and more questions. But I'm grateful for a space to explore them with fellow questioners 🙂

This sounds a lot like my experience as well. I’ve been married for almost 16 years and recently identified as ACE, probably grayACE and am married to a high libido omnisexual (also recently out). Yeah- it’s not been a great turn of events. His flirting and foreplay just makes me feel ‘nice’? But doesn’t build anything up - there’s no anticipation?? Where for him it’s a constant build up of libido and desire. 
 

Trying to figure out what my feelings actually mean and why sex sometimes seems easier and other times harder. Like a switch goes on/off in my brain - even though I know it feels great and I love the experience and bonding emotionally - it’s just like I can’t get out of my own head. My own recent diagnosis of neurodivergent traits hasn’t made the puzzle any easier to put together either. 

[anonymous_fem]

i am a teenager. yes, yes, i get the phrase "how do you know if you've never tried?" or "you just haven't found the right guy" a lot. I figured out I was asexual when my girl friends talked about relieving themselves and fantasizing about having an intercourse with their boyfriends. I felt like i was aloof, and I felt like my experiences are utterly different from them. and also, because I introduced myself to the mature side of the internet too early. as i grow up, i feel repulsed by the idea of intercourse itself. also, when i watched those stuff, of course i saw topless men and topless women. yet, i get no physical arousal by seeing them. i have tried seeing both fictional and real figures of what are deemed as attractive to both genders, and yet i feel no sexual attraction or the feel of needing to play with my thing. i've also never fantasized about intercourse which involves me physically. I might go out and see someone physically attractive, and i'd just think (oh, theyre good looking,) but not like (oh damn i want to do things in bed with them). I have come out to several people, but not my family yet. my family is one of the traditional families which are against LGBT, so they might bombard me with questions like "then what about children?" or "well then are you not going to marry?". i am not ready yet to answer those questions, as i am still a young teen. maybe when i turn 18, i'll come out to them. but currently, I am proud of my sexuality, and will identify as an asexual each time someone asks me what my sexuality is. thank you and im sorry for my bad english, as its not my first language. good day, asexuals!!

[Kvitka]

Hello! Not too long ago I got to know about "asexual" through a web comic and got interested because I could somewhat relate to a character in it. But the definition of "not experience sexual attraction" was totally not me. That was when I got to know about gray.

 

I am 30 y.o. with no experience in dating, honestly speaking, I've never even kissed. I was attracted to several guys when I studied at school, but more than about intimacy I thought about what it was like to be in matual attraction.

 

As an adult I often feel longing in finding a solemate and can easily start thinking and fantasizing (about sex as well) about a person I felt attracted to, but as easily as I start fantasizing so fast I lose interest in sexual activities. Even while masturbating I drop it half way.

 

After thinking about it I realized that I feel sexual desire according to my menstrual cycle, that is when the ovulation is close and never out of it.

 

When thinking about a relationship, a thought about having sex out of these several days of my cycle really frightened me: I am sure I just can't go through the whole process (as I even drop masturbation half way or even feel disgusted about kisses at times). Moreover, I am frightened that my affection (or love) after I start dating will just vanish in a blink of an eye because of how fast my affection usually fades out.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons I've never been in a relationship so far. All this time I thought that something was wrong with me because my classmates dated, got married and so on, and I couldn't even overcome this fast dropped affections I had. The older I get the harder it becomes because of the people around me talking about when I am going to marry or whether I found someone. I think that if not these questions and the biological reason I wouldn't even worry about relationships, so probably I am gray in aromantic spectrum as well.

[mmp_123]

On 6/24/2015 at 9:55 PM, KendraPM said:

I'm not sure I have a story per say. I'm cupiosexual, or an asexual who enjoys and wants a sexual relationship, for those that don't like all the sublabels. I don't feel sexual attraction, and am still not completely sure I understand what it is. But I feel desire, I have a libido. My desire is for sex though, not for people. Or, I guess not even so much for sex, but the feeling the emotional connection that comes with that particular type of intimacy.

I don't think I actually have a story. Beyond the happiness that came from realizing what I was and that it wasn't because I saw sex differently than other people. Or that people really can't control their sexual attraction (that came more from my confusion on how someone could say they couldn't be with someone just because they didn't find them sexually appealing. I didn't find any of the men I've been with "sexually appealing," I've never found anyone sexually appealing, and for the most part they've been wonderful, fulfilling relationships.)

I relate to this but find it hard to understand it as someone who has only been with 1 person (12 year relationship - current). I always struggled to understand why I didn't ever feel like I wanted to jump his bones but he did with me. I'm learning more that I need to feel deeply emotionally connected and vulnerable to feel that desire. But I'm still not like wow he's so hot.. and all genitals I just don't find appealing at all.

[Graceflux]

So the closest label I’ve found to how I work is “demi gray aceflux” (hence the user name). 
 

Abuse/trauma is part of my story, details are unnecessary, but basically my experience with sexuality started way too young and was followed by exposure to porn, which gave me some super messed-up ideas about sex. As I got older and developed, I put on a lot of weight and of course, that resulted in a lot of bullying, teasing, and this weird combination of sexualization + taunting from boys (it’s like they were either repulsed and needed to make me aware of the fact they’d never want sexual contact with me; or, they’d say what they’d do to me sexually, but in a degrading/insulting way — it was very bizarre and confusing). 
 

Add to that my stepdad’s teasing/harping on my weight, and I formulated this belief that to be desired sexually was to be loved. If men wanted to have sex with you or were sexually attracted to you, it meant you were okay, normal, worthy, and at least lovable if not loved. 
 

So from there, once I became sexually active in my teens, I went wild. Sex was always fraught with anxiety, awkwardness, dissociation, and once it was underway, boredom and not nearly the amount of pleasure movies and TV always made it out to be. And not *nearly* worth the effort it seemed my peers and I put into it all. 
 

But all of that was a distant concern, one I barely thought about. The most important thing was to always be wanted and desired, because that track kept playing in my head throughout my young adult life: to be desired is to be loved. And I badly wanted to be loved. 
 

This went on from age 16 to around 35. I was married twice, both of which ended in divorce with similar complaints that I lost interest in them — we had sex in the beginning, but I gradually stopped wanting to. I couldn’t muster any sexual attraction for them anymore once things were strained, especially since I couldn’t reassure them of why I didn’t want sex. I had no idea it could be anything to do with asexuality because, hey, I “liked” sex! I felt attraction to people! I couldn’t be asexual, it was impossible. 
 

When I wasn’t married or in a committed relationship, I was sleeping around. It always felt weird and stressful and all, but I chalked that up to the frustrations of sexual politics. It wasn’t the sex I hated, I would tell myself; it was the guys for being so callous or dishonest or aggressive or not respectful of boundaries, etc. It’s like I was looking for that exact right fit and never finding it. 
 

I was also drinking and doing drugs a lot, mostly to manage how horrible and confused and alone I felt. Eventually I felt bad enough that I realized I no longer cared if I lived or died, and that scared me enough to go get help. I went to treatment for sex and substance addiction, as well as an eating disorder. It was very successful and I’m proud to say that I haven’t had a drink or a compulsive sexual experience in 5 years. 
 

After treatment, I sort of entered a period of self-discovery; not only did I want to know exactly who I was and wasn’t, I felt like it was crucial to my sobriety and survival. 
 

In the last year, I began to notice how rigid my boundaries had become, especially with men. It angered me when they sexualized me from out of nowhere. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just be quiet and not make their sexual urges public knowledge, or why they’d feel the need to tell me, a total stranger, about them. It seemed impossible that they actually wanted me when they didn’t even know me. This started to clue me in to the fact that I didn’t have a widely-shared idea of how sexual attraction worked. 
 

I also got out of a two year relationship with someone, the first healthy one I’d ever been in, partly because he didn’t like that I wasn’t very sexually aggressive, and I didn’t solicit his affection often enough during a day. I was affectionate, and we still had sex (and it was nice — not amazing, but still intimate. And it felt okay), but I guess I just wasn’t into

it enough for him. 
 

I considered all kinds of explanations for why I seemed to be so bad at relationships, why I still struggled with depression, why I really enjoyed porn/masturbation and fantasy (both in first and third person), but never could seem to translate that to enjoying intercourse even a fraction as much. Nothing seemed to fit. 
 

It was when I began to question my ideas of attraction that things started slotting into place. It used to be that I could barely separate all the different forms of attraction — physical/aesthetic attraction was no different from sexual attraction in my mind. So, if I felt an aesthetic attraction to a friend, I assumed that meant I was sexually attracted and would try to act on it. Wasn’t very good for that handful of friendships, but I didn’t know any better. 
 

Once I figured out that different kinds of attraction existed, I began to notice a pattern, and that pattern would always go back to that primary belief I’d had since adolescence: to be desired is to be loved. So, in practically every friendship or relationship I ever had, I had this need to be wanted, and I felt that if I wanted that, it meant I must want sex, which implied I enjoyed it, etc. But when I considered that maybe what I felt was NOT sexual attraction, and that those feelings weren’t coming from genuine attraction but from a misguided early belief, my behavior made more and more sense to me. 
 

I understand now that most of what I felt to be sexual attraction throughout my life was little more than aesthetic and romantic attraction. I always loved a pretty face, and desired genuine love and affection from them, but sex was always the part that never felt right. I never could climax with anyone. It felt pleasant but not overwhelmingly so. And I always felt a lot closer after having a deep conversation or a long cuddle session than after sex. Every now and then, I could feel moments of being aroused by someone and wanting sex… but it’s still all a big overture to a disappointing show. 
 

I’m currently dating someone and am more fulfilled than I ever have been, and I think it’s because sex isn’t all that important to our relationship. We both have mental health issues we work to maintain, and his medicine puts a big damper on his libido and ability to “perform”. Which is utterly fine and dandy to me. We do still have sex, but expectations are kept low and we have such a good connection that it’s more pleasant than it ever has been. The best part is that there’s no pressure whatsoever. He’s demisexual, so he is a lot more understanding of sex not being a primary driver for a relationship as with allosexual men (in particular). 
 

I only *really, really* want sex rarely; the rest of the time, it just naturally grows out of cuddling/affection and I enjoy it with him. But if sex slowed or even stopped, I doubt I’d mind. 
 

Thanks for listening. Happy to be here. 💜

[Henry80]

In todays world if somebody doesn't like french kissing or intercourse is gonna be seen as rare... If someone doesn't have a sexual CV with many women on it when he's on his 40s people will say there is something wrong with him... I don't like dirty sex talking and prefer romantic talk and that's also another thing that makes me look weird in today's society...

I have never experienced being in a demisexual relationship. I've only been with allosexual women in the past. And sex wasn't enjoyable and I was never in love with them. I felt empty, like someothing was missing after sex. Why wasn't I feeling a high level of pleasure from all that and was indifferent during intercourse? I don't know where I am exactly on the ace spectrum. I think I prefer cuddling, petting, modest kissing, hugs and all that kind of stuff, rather than sexual stuff, but maybe with somebody I can really connect with emotionally I can feel sexually attracted... Or maybe not and I have to admit that I will never enjoy sexual relationships at all. If that's the case it will be difficult to find a girl to start a relationship.

Most women like to have sex. Whenever I approach a woman talking about this they tend to think bad about me... Other sexual orientations are widely accepted... But having low sexual desire is on the bottom of the list. Also, since I have libido, most people won't understand what's going on. How come you get turned on by women but you don't want to take them to bed and prefer doing what I like to call "sofa stuff"?

Well, what do you recommend me to get to know better where I stand on the ace spectrum? How can I discover if I am a demisexual, graysexual or asexual without making girls run away thinking I am are extremely weird? Any advice is appreciated...

[Wild Fern]

Hi! I discovered this thread today and I felt call out by the topic.

 

I like sex, but I prefer chocolate. That's what I told my partner. I discovered recently I am graysexual and it's a relief. My partner met me when I was hypomanic, after a rape, so I thought I was a sex goddess and I had power on everyone because I was a good time in bed. For a year (we didn't live together), we had sex on a regular base and it was good. Then, my good friend passed away and all the traumas I had has been release. I started therapy (I'm still in therapy) and we had little to no sex. I didn't feel desire, I wasn't "in the mood" most of the time. With my therapist, I discovered I was like that, and I felt relief because I didn't have to be sexual. It was okay to be like that.

 

I like sex, I have intercourse with my partner maybe one or two times per month and I'm okay with it. But if you asked me if I prefer cake over sex, I'd sat absolutely.

[ReesesPieces]

I think I fit into this category? I am on testosterone (as a transmasc) and it makes my sex drive go up, and I do think about sex often. Before T, I rarely thought about sex and had little to no sex drive, so it's a change for me. But I only ever experience the feeling of wanting to have sex with someone if it's a fantasy and it's someone like famous and unattainable. I think I've rarely experienced the feeling with someone I know personally, because once it becomes real, I don't really want it anymore. But I want to be like everyone else so badly. I want a relationship, I want to want to have sex, but I haven't felt romantically toward anyone the way other people have described what it feels like. I'm lost. It's so confusing.