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Do I Belong Here? (TW)


chandithefierce

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chandithefierce

When I found out what asexuality was I immediately identified: specifically as ace-aro. But as I'm learning more about it from this site and yalls voices on these forums I've come to realize I'm really not. I think?

I don't know how to word it...

I'm not asexual I'm more like "I feel sexual attraction but I am terribly frightened/disgusted/turned off by the notion of doing it."

Same thing with being aromantic, more like "I crave romantic affection and relationships but the second the chance comes up I run"

It's bad. Like, I have panic attacks and ptsd flashbacks. I should mention I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse; that plays a humongous role as to why I am repulsed by honestly anything physical; touching, kissing, hugging. Human bodies in general disgust me; skin, saliva, sweat. I freak out when someone wants me to touch them or touches me. I haven't sought out any help for this or even told anyone about the abuse....

My mind coped with the abuse by making me scared of anything to do with romance/sex but my subconscious nature makes it all very appealing to me.

I don't know if yall can imagine the mental gymnastics that goes on in my head.

I just wanted to know what that makes me. I wasn't born this way, I was made like this by the horrible childhood I had. That's not the same is it?

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Hey there, well I guess just stick around until you have it all cleared up, you're very much welcome :)

I'd consider you perhaps "sex-repulsed"?? Or maybe if it's less distaste and more nerves you might simply be a little nervous about relationships - the romantic and the sexual parts - which is totally normal, don't worry about it too much.

It's utterly horrible you had to deal with sexual abuse as a child (I'd suggest editing the title (if you can) to add a "TW or TMI" just so other readers know) and it's heartbreaking that you now feel so uncomfortable.

I understand that you have awful associations with sex/romance and I guess the thing to do now is teach yourself that a genuine relationship (if that's what you crave) will be safe and comfortable and not demanding in any way, or at least in the way that frightens you so much. Stay on AVEN, find some more things out and work towards as much recovery as you can because you deserve to live a safe, happy and fearless life and I'm so unbelievably angry at whoever hurt you in such a way.

Nature v Nurture is an ongoing thing and I think it's a case of genetic predisposition triggered by environmental factors (sorry about the psychology lingo), you don't need to be "born that way" to feel asexual as life experiences very much play a part in attraction. At the moment I reckon you perhaps are on the asexuality spectrum but it's totally up to you to identify yourself. Remember, things can easily change and if you aren't completely ace, no harm done right? Best wishes and welcome!! :cake:

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I'm very sorry about what you've been through. I've struggled with ptsd myself and I know how hard it is to live with. Have you thought about talking to someone about it? I'm a sexual assault survivor, and I found it very helpful to talk to a therapist. I also relied greatly on friends to help me when I had flashbacks and panic attacks. It must be very hard to manage those feelings by yourself. I very much recommend talking to someone if you can.

You can identify as whatever you feel fits you best. If you're ace/aro because of trauma, you can still identify as ace/aro if you want to. Regardless of how you identify, you are absolutely welcome here. :cake:

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chandithefierce

Nature v Nurture is an ongoing thing and I think it's a case of genetic predisposition triggered by environmental factors (sorry about the psychology lingo), you don't need to be "born that way" to feel asexual as life experiences very much play a part in attraction. At the moment I reckon you perhaps are on the asexuality spectrum but it's totally up to you to identify yourself. Remember, things can easily change and if you aren't completely ace, no harm done right? Best wishes and welcome!! :cake:

Thanks for the reply! And i don't mind the lingo; I'll be graduating with a degree in psych in two years, hopefully so I love it lol

Sorry if it I made it seem like I would hate to be ace/aro or something. I meant that perhaps had the things that happened to me had not happened to me, I would be able to act on the sexual and or romantic feelings that I have and not have to suppress them and act like they don't affect me, because I know that if I try...I can't handle the anxiety that it causes me. So I decided when I was 14 after the first boy asked me out and I nearly lost my mind, that I would be alone forever, that I could never be with someone emotionally or physically.

I didn't think that you could be asexual by trauma and that it still counted? That's weird to me especially since deep down inside I'm burning for the complete opposite.

God it's so fucking confusing

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I understand how you feel.

My favorite motto is: Discovery is a journey, not a destination.

As we age we change constantly, understanding changes and morphs with age and time. Like yuria I have a partner, but I have never desired to initiate any sort of sexual intimacy. It's a gray area for me, and I'm still figuring out what I need to do. We are all children in some sense, getting our bearings. We support you 100%!

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So you are turned on by someones presence and desire/have the impulse to do sexual things to/with them but react in real life with repulsion?

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chandithefierce

So you are turned on by someones presence and desire/have the impulse to do sexual things to/with them but react in real life with repulsion?

Pretty much. Like I get (used to get; I've almost completely suppressed that now) crushes and things and want a boyfriend or whatever and think some guys are sexual appealing but once it becomes a real thing that's not just my daydreams and they happen to reciprocate feelings then my brain shuts down and perceives it as an attack since...well that's all I've ever seen it as. I've never seen physical things like touching as a good thing. If someone is touching you they're either hitting you or doing other bad things...

Side note: You guys are super fucking nice like holy shit, the community feeling is strong here I love it.

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Then that's called Lithsexual. Perhaps you're also Lithromantic or you're just suppressing your crushes because they will eventually lead to sex.

Lithsexual is essentially a negative to indifferent reaction to sexual reciprocation. More specifically the reciprocation immediately or over time causes indifference, loss of interest, or repulsion. But i prefer it's alternative title Aposexual because its prefix is not a metaphor. But i told you it's original title Lith because it's more commonly known by that; if you want to look up support specifically on that it would probably be easier that way. Lithromantic being the same reaction to returned romantic emotions.

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chandithefierce

Then that's called Lithsexual. Perhaps you're also Lithromantic or you're just suppressing your crushes because they will eventually lead to sex.

Lithsexual is essentially a negative to indifferent reaction to sexual reciprocation. More specifically the reciprocation immediately or over time causes indifference, loss of interest, or repulsion. But i prefer it's alternative title Aposexual because its prefix is not a metaphor. But i told you it's original title Lith because it's more commonly known by that; if you want to look up support specifically on that it would probably be easier that way. Lithromantic being the same reaction to returned romantic emotions.

So we've come full circle to my original question then; do I belong here?

Because being lithsexual is still sexual isn't it?

Thank god I have a name for it at least. I got something out of this.

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Gumby Jellybeans III

Hello, chandithefierce!

I absolutely understand about the mental gymnastics because I have PTSD too! Mine isn't to do with anything sexual, but I really know what traumatic experiences can do to people (just put me in a room with fluorescent tubes and no window. I freak the hell out!) I'm also familiar with the kind of approach-avoidance you describe, and the combo of desire and fear really is enough to make you feel like you're going crazy.

My best advice for you is to get counselling, preferably from a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication. Being able to tell somebody what you've gone through is really helpful in untangling what's going on inside your head. A neutral point of view is also unfathomably useful.

The reason I mentioned medications is because - and maybe it's not like this for you, but - my flashbacks are scary as hell and I used to do absolutely anything I could to avoid a situation where a flashback might get triggered. When I was 18-19 I went for eighteen months without leaving my house unescorted by a parent!

Since I've been made aware of medication that can stop a flashback before it gets really bad (mine tend to last hours) I'm not so fearful and now I can do a lot of things by myself. If I think I might be triggered by a situation, I just take my medication with me, and if I feel a flashback starting, I can take a tablet to nip it in the bud.

It's been eight years since I got sick, but every year is better than the last, thanks to a combo of counselling and meds.

Well, that's my experience and I hope it's helpful to you!

As for whether or not you belong here - sure you do! There are plenty of people using AVEN who don't identify as asexual. If you like the community for whatever reason then you're welcome to post here! We welcome you with cake! :cake::cake::cake::cake:

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