Sparknotes Article on Coming Out as an Asexual

[deltaX]

http://community.sparknotes.com/2015/06/15/auntie-sparknotes-i-want-to-tell-people-im-asexual

I came across this article while browsing the internet this morning.

Personally, I was kind of annoyed with how the author handled it. I don't think it is offensive or disrespectful for asexuals to use the term "coming out" to refer to telling people about their sexuality. Even if we are not being as actively oppressed as others in the LGBT+ community, we are still presumed to be heterosexual, and often times have to change who we are to keep up that allusion. Aces can be just as closeted as anyone else if you ask me, and spending so much time talking about why it was wrong to use "coming out" was pretty uncalled for.

However, even if it may not have been written in the way that I wanted, it is visibility, so I figured I'd post it here.

Auntie SparkNotes: I Want to Tell People I'm Asexual

By kat_rosenfield June 15, 2015

Kat Rosenfield

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,

This is probably a really weird thing to ask, but I'm a little confused about what to do. A few months back I realized that I identify as asexual. If you don't know what that is, it basically means that I don't really have a sex drive, I've never been aroused, and I don't find people sexually pleasing. I've honestly felt like this my entire life. While everyone else around me was watching porn and dreaming of not being a virgin, I wasn't even getting involved out of fear that my boyfriend would break my heart because I didn't want sex. It's not that sex grosses me out—I can find appreciation in the fact that people can find pleasure in the act—but I just find it a general waste of time and would probably find it an annoyance if I was asked to do it. It's just not something I'm interested in.

Now, this is not my problem. The problem I am having is that I don't know what to do about it. I have been misunderstood as being a lesbian practically my entire life (well, since sixth grade) because I don't want to get sexually involved with guys. A lot of the people around me have passed off my feelings as "Oh, you'll feel it eventually," but I'm sixteen—and still nothing. Most people have been feeling even remotely sexual since they were twelve. So, when I figured out that I was ace, I decided not to make a fuss about it because my sexuality is my business.

Recently, though, I've just wanted to tell people about it because I'm really tired of people vamping about me "not getting laid" all of time, and maybe if I was open about it, dating would be easier. The only big problem is that I feel like "coming out" as asexual would seem a bit pretentious. If I decided to make a big thing out of it I can't imagine the comments that I would get (i.e. "Really? No one cares who you don't want to HND with").

What do you think? Am I being irrational in even considering telling people about my sexuality (or lack thereof)?

Of course not, Sparkler. Your sexuality is part of who you are, and if something about the way people treat it or talk about it is bothering you, it makes perfect sense to speak up and let them know what's what.

But you're still right to question whether it's a good idea to "come out" about it, in those specific words. Because the thing about asexuality is that you don't have to come out—largely because you've never been in.

This is an important thing to remember: that "coming out" is shorthand for "coming out of the closet"—the closet being the state of pretending that you're heterosexual when you aren't, and keeping your orientation hidden, because living authentically would come with the risk of persecution, ostracization, and violence. And that's not the case for you. You might feel misunderstood, annoyed, or pressured by the presumption that you feel sexual attraction or interest, but you're not closeted. There's no public statement about your sexuality standing between you and a life authentically lived.

Of course, we are rapidly approaching a time when the closet will cease to exist, and people will simply be able to be who they are without the burden of being presumed heterosexual-by-default and having to announce themselves otherwise. Even now, it's getting more and more common for kids to just grow up being gay or bi, and never having to pretend they were anything but. And perhaps someday, being "out" will evolve to mean simply being open, and it'll be applicable to all types of sexual identity, including asexuality. But at this moment (i.e. when gay people in certain parts of the world live in fear of being stoned to death, when trans kids are stepping into traffic because their parents want to send them to conversion therapy, and when it's still legal in many states to fire someone just for being gay), it's just not respectful, or necessary, to co-opt the language of the LGBT rights movement and "come out" as asexual.

But just because you're not announcing your sexuality, that doesn't mean you can't communicate about it. The people you date will need to know that you find sex completely uninteresting, and those close to you—the people you'd be talking about your sex life with, if you had one—can and should be the people you talk to about what it's like not to have one. And if you get a dismissive response of the you'll-feel-it-someday variety, all you have to say is, "Maybe I will feel it eventually, but I don't feel it now, and I'd really like to be able to talk about it without being treated like my experiences aren't real." People who care about you will respond to that. And the rest of the world? They can go pee up a rope.

Speaking of which: You should feel free to respond to any HURR DURR YOU'RE NOT GETTING LAID comments in whatever way makes you most comfortable—whether it's thanking them for their incisive observation and changing the subject, or retorting that you're saving yourself for Harry Styles, or saying that you totally intend to have sex just as soon as you're done with this monster menstrual cycle, because seriously, it's like a blood tsunami down there. (That last one should ensure not just that the other person drops the subject, but is far too traumatized to ever, ever bring it up again.)

Of course, at the same time, you'll save yourself a lot of angst if you can accept that puberty has temporarily turned many of your peers into giant walking boners disguised as human beings, and learn to shrug off a certain amount of ambient crudeness for the next couple years. And keep an open mind, too: Despite what you might think, the onset of sexual interest isn't something that happens to most people in the same way, at the same time. For every kid who slammed into puberty like a freight train and hasn't stopped talking about sex since, there's another one who is faking his way through these sex-obsessed conversations, for the same reasons that people will pretend to love Vampire Diaries or One Direction when they actually don't: because it's what everyone else is talking about, and they want to feel included. Some of the people talking about sex the loudest are actually probably the ones who are most perplexed by it.

In short, you are not the only one feeling misunderstood and alone right now. Everyone around you is struggling with their sexuality, in one way or another. And as for your feelings, maybe they'll always stay just as they are, and that's totally fine—but they also might change, and that is also fine. All it means is that you, like all humans, are a work in progress, with the capacity to grow, change, and evolve in ways you'll never expect.

[Akira Jumps]

I absolutely agree. 'It's just not respectful, or necessary, to co-opt the language of the LGBT rights movement and "come out" as asexual.' Really? Is it disrespectful to constantly tell an asexual that their orientation 'doesn't exist', or that they just need 'to get laid?' The last time I checked, coming up to a homosexual individual and telling them 'I can change that' is one of the rudest things out there, and most likely warranting a good slap in the face. That is literally the exact same.

Asexuals need to 'come out' (or whatever other phrase you'd like to use) for their own wellbeing. Because they are sick and tired of being told to date, or have children, or get laid, or any other sexual act that they aren't interested in. If not for that, for peace of mind. To know what they are, and for others to know to.

'This is an important thing to remember: that "coming out" is shorthand for "coming out of the closet"—the closet being the state of pretending that you're heterosexual when you aren't, and keeping your orientation hidden, because living authentically would come with the risk of persecution, ostracization, and violence.' I'd really like to know of anyone who has not been ostracized, persecuted, hated, ignored, hurt in some way because of their asexuality. If even by accident. I'd really like to know of anyone who has had to brush off bigoted remarks like these

. 'Coming out' as asexual isn't about 'yay, now I'm different.' It's about being yourself and not having to apologize for it.

Rant done, sorry but that irritated me.

[Dawg4280]

Ya i agree with you. To me that greatly underestimates the identity crisis aces can have in the closet, especially when we do not even know about asexuality at all. For me feeling broken and alone never aloud for me to live a happy life. That is not unlike other queer experiences with the closet, and personally I feel like ace and trans have the biggest identity issues being in the closet on average. "because living authentically would come with the risk of persecution, ostracization, and violence". BS we may not face this as much as other queer identities but we still do; completely invalidating asexual people is still a very "OK" opinion for someone to have, as where extreme LGBphobia is becoming more and more taboo. And honestly, part of the reason we do not deal with this as much is that most people do not even know we exist. "There's no public statement about your sexuality standing between you and a life authentically lived". In most cases LGB people know about the existence of LGB. There are two components to the ace closet (and for all of people the trans closet) 1. finding out that is exists 2. coming out. Before I know I was certainly trying my damnedest to be straight, was that a "life authentically lived"? And even for those aces who know and still choose to be closeted are expected to be heterosexual. This all goes back to the age old are aces queer argument. obviously this author does not think we are.

[Absol]

Ugh, that kind of attitude is really annoying. Asexuals, in some ways, are even more closeted than other members of the LGBT community. In order to come out of the closet, we have to explain what out closet even is to others. We sure are assumed to be straight otherwise (except for cases where an ace is homo- bi- or pan-romantic and in a relationship that reflects that, in which case they are assumed to be the sexual version of their romantic orientation). I'm glad that she at least didn't try to completely invalidate asexuality, but I think we have as much right to "come out" as any other queer person.

[Prairie]

Of course it's coming out! It's something that differs from the expectations people have around human sexuality, and something people are attacked for therefore stay "in the closet" about for decades of their lives.

Let's assume that the author incorrectly assumes that asexuals can't have sexual partners. Maybe the author then thinks that the only person who would need to know about an asexual's orientation is their sexual partner, thus nobody needs to know. But a person's sexual orientation is visible to more than just their sexual partners, one reason gay people have been attacked. It's visible to others via whom the person makes sexual advances towards, and how the person is able to converse with others talking about their sexual lives and sexual attraction. In both these areas an asexual person's sexuality will be visible to others as any other non-hetero person's, and thus open to attack.

Ugh, and then the author plays the "it might just be a phase, don't give up joining our team!!!111" card.

[Corretto]

@Okira Jumps...Due to my age [again] and non-bullying social environment, I don't quiteshare your offense re the 'coming out of the closet' analogy. I've no close friends or family etc 'out-side' the closet to 'come-out' too.

I agree with much of your critique of the Q & A. Thankfully, I've not had to face the bigotry that you've experienced 'coming-out', as I've never had to personalise my aro-ace orientation to anyone...but me.

My orientation must be so much easier to remain private than that of the LGBTA+ community.

[Akira Jumps]

@Okira Jumps...Due to my age [again] and non-bullying social environment, I don't quiteshare your offense re the 'coming out of the closet' analogy. I've no close friends or family etc 'out-side' the closet to 'come-out' too.

I agree with much of your critique of the Q & A. Thankfully, I've not had to face the bigotry that you've experienced 'coming-out', as I've never had to personalise my aro-ace orientation to anyone...but me.

My orientation must be so much easier to remain private than that of the LGBTA+ community.

Don't get me wrong. If people choose not to for personal reasons, they have every right not to 'come out.' If they feel it's not necessary, that's fine too. My problem is when someone blatantly says there's no point because we aren't persecuted for doing so. I'm very happy that you've managed to stay away from such a bad environment. It will keep you from being so pessimistic like me. :) But to say that others have not gone through hard times for their orientation is entirely false. That was my problem with the article.

[deltaX]

So I decided to just on this article's comment's section to see what it was like, and that was a mistake. People tried to correct the author for saying asexual people can come out of the closet, and the author replied basically saying that they were wrong and we aren't oppressed enough to use the same language.

Maybe I've just been irrationally sensitive to this stuff because of personal issues I'm going through at the moment, but she's dead wrong. I am terrified to "come out" to certain people in my life, and I shouldn't be ignored because I'm asexual instead of gay or trans.

Thanks random person on the internet for making me feel like crap. :(

[Prairie]

Meh, I tried to sign up but the process is tedious if you happen to choose a nickname already used by someone else, and it requires specifying gender but only gives two options. Probably better to just avoid that place anyway.

[Dodecahedron314]

Well, I'm not exactly sure what else I expected from a website whose very name is synonymous with slacking in English class. (Full disclosure: I say this as literally one of the only people I know who have never used it in place of actually reading assigned books.)

[Jump]

25 bigoted things you can say to an asexual - I've only come out to four people (two friends and two therapists) and I got three of these, two from one of my therapists! And it IS really upsetting when you get these.

[Kappamaki]

Folk within one sexuality minority using the same phrase as those of another sexuality minority to describe the same experience? Egads! How horrid! And you know what's worse? They both co-opted the term "coming out" so that it refers to something different than its original meaning of being a wealthy debutante presented to Society as an eligible bachelorette!

[dash]

I absolutely agree. 'It's just not respectful, or necessary, to co-opt the language of the LGBT rights movement and "come out" as asexual.' Really? Is it disrespectful to constantly tell an asexual that their orientation 'doesn't exist', or that they just need 'to get laid?' The last time I checked, coming up to a homosexual individual and telling them 'I can change that' is one of the rudest things out there, and most likely warranting a good slap in the face. That is literally the exact same.

Asexuals need to 'come out' (or whatever other phrase you'd like to use) for their own wellbeing. Because they are sick and tired of being told to date, or have children, or get laid, or any other sexual act that they aren't interested in. If not for that, for peace of mind. To know what they are, and for others to know to.

Yeah. I mean, this makes no sense: "There's no public statement about your sexuality standing between you and a life authentically lived."

Didn't the person who wrote in to SparkNotes literally say "I have been misunderstood as being a lesbian practically my entire life (well, since sixth grade) because I don't want to get sexually involved with guys. A lot of the people around me have passed off my feelings as "Oh, you'll feel it eventually," but I'm sixteen—and still nothing" and "I'm really tired of people vamping about me "not getting laid" all of time"?

How, praytell, do we NOT live in a world with public statements EVERYWHERE on TV, in the movies, in music, on social media, literally everywhere that you have to want and have sex in order to live a happy, fulfilled, normal "life authentically lived"? There are also many negative messages about those people (especially women) who choose never to date or marry, or who end up not dating or marrying for some other reason. And as the poster pointed out, asexual people can face anti-LGB stigma because people assume you're LGB by default if you're not dating "opposite sex" people (in scare quotes because it assumes a gender binary on top of the rest of it).