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Friend insists I need a "sexual awakening"


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My friends are all sexuals, hetero or homo. My homosexual friends are better at understanding asexuality, but my roommates, which are mostly hetero, and specifically one person, keeps saying I need a "sexual awakening" and when I get one everything will be however it should be.

I am so confused by my sexuality. I get sexual feelings, about sexual things, but not about people. I have never been sexually attracted at the thought of another person. Maybe being touched or whatever, but the person becomes irrelevant in my mind. I could care less who the person performing sexual acts on me is. Becuase I'm attracted by the acts, the situations, not the people.

Do I still count as ace? I mean, I've believed myself to be ace since 2010. In my entire life I went out with one guy, twice(a year apart...), and he kissed me and touched my boob. I liked the touching, because it aroused me, but I was repulsed by kissing or the idea of penetration of any kind. His body repelled me, the fact that he was a person just ruined it. If I could I'd probably be in a relationship with a sexual robot that'll just touch me occasionally but no penetration.

Anyways, my friends are so extremely sexual, always talking about their dates and relationships. And I feel so alone and left out. Because I'm never going to be looking for a partner, I don't want that, I just want friends, and I don't feel like I'm missing out, because it's just never been there for me.

Am I a weirdo? Sex grosses me out, but sexual touching doesn't, and I can't be aroused thinking about people in a sexual way.

It feels scary and complicated. I just want to be accepted by all my friends. Not just talked down to because I'm a virgin and haven't had a sexual awakening or whatever.

I think I need to find an ace meetup group or something near me so I can hangout with people who understand.

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PastelPetrel

You definitely still count as ace.

Really all it takes to be asexual (and this would be the textbook definition, so there are variations and this is not what asexuality or the spectrum is limited to) is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not in any way linked to libido or arousal.

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As it says at the top of the site, asexuality isn't the lack of a libido, just the lack of any sexual attraction to other people. If you go through the FAQs and forum topics, you'll find that there are plenty of asexuals who still experience and even enjoy sexual stimulation; that doesn't make them any less asexual.

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Thanks guys. Yea, I feel ace. Have for a long time. I haven't come out yet to any of my roommates or anything. My group of gay friends know and my sister knows, which I'm glad of.

It's so frustrating being told that I just need to wait for something sexual to happen to trigger me into being a sexual person. Why does everybody have to be something-sexual? It doesn't seem so crazy for me to open my mind to the thought of other sexualities, but to some of my friends asexuality doesn't even exist, which is kinda awful.

Anyways, thanks for responses. I feel a bit more validated from them, because I do get sexual urges, but no attraction towards people. In high school I tried being a lesbian becaues I wasn't getting any attraction feelings for anybody. So I picked this girl, and I TRIED to like her, sexually, but nothing came up, I was empty about it. I couldn't make myself like her or anybody else, becuase I was ace, just didn't know the name for it yet.

It's good to belong here. Haven't been on this forum for a long time but I'm hoping to get back into it and maybe go to some meetups.

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Brianna Schultz

You still count! You're the only one who can decide if you're asexual or not.

If you do have sex one day and like it, it doesn't mean you're not ace. I've heard of aces liking casual sex and things like that.

But, from a non-virgin's perspective... you're not missing much when it comes to sex, lol.

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Forever Dreaming

Pretty much everyone has a sexual awakening, it just means the point at which you become aware of what you want and don't want. It definitely doesn't mean getting experimented on by a particular amorous individual who thinks he has something to teach you. If you're unsure, then more self-reflection is what's needed.

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Gumby Jellybeans III

It really sounds like you count!

Besides, if you don't want to have sex for whatever reason, then you don't have to. I think if your friends keep trying to push this on you, you should firmly tell them that you're not interested. Let them know that if they don't understand, that's okay, they don't have to, but they need to respect your wishes.

I, in my limited experience, have found that a good way to get people to understand is to say "Hetero people feel attracted to the opposite sex, gay people feel attracted to the same sex, bi people can feel attracted to both sexes, and I don't feel attracted to either sex!" I guess it makes asexual seem like the logical forth orientation.

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You definitely still count as ace.

Really all it takes to be asexual (and this would be the textbook definition, so there are variations and this is not what asexuality or the spectrum is limited to) is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not in any way linked to libido or arousal.

What do you mean by "is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not linked to arousal" ? Can you not feel sexual attraction and be aroused? What's the difference?

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You definitely still count as ace.

Really all it takes to be asexual (and this would be the textbook definition, so there are variations and this is not what asexuality or the spectrum is limited to) is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not in any way linked to libido or arousal.

What do you mean by "is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not linked to arousal" ? Can you not feel sexual attraction and be aroused? What's the difference?

Yes you can be aroused and not experience sexual attraction. It's very common. Sexual attraction is the kind of attraction that makes you want to connect with another person on a sexual level. You can be aroused without experiencing that. You can be aroused for no reason at all. Arousal is just a natural thing that happens to the body as a result of hormones. Asexuality is not a lack of those hormones, it is a lack of the innate desire to connect with others sexually.

EDIT: so to put it bluntly, arousal is feeling horny. Sexual attraction is feeling horny and wanting to fuck someone else to relieve your horniness.

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My friends are all sexuals, hetero or homo. My homosexual friends are better at understanding asexuality, but my roommates, which are mostly hetero, and specifically one person, keeps saying I need a "sexual awakening" and when I get one everything will be however it should be.

Tell your roomates that they need a gay sexual awakening and that they don't know what they're missing by not trying. Enjoy their face ^_^

You definitely still count as ace.

Really all it takes to be asexual (and this would be the textbook definition, so there are variations and this is not what asexuality or the spectrum is limited to) is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not in any way linked to libido or arousal.

What do you mean by "is to not feel sexual attraction, which is not linked to arousal" ? Can you not feel sexual attraction and be aroused? What's the difference?

Sexual arousal is basically an erection, which can happen randomly, or more intentionally by masturbation or during watching porn for example (in which case sexual acts produce arousal, not sexual attraction to the actors).

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Not to throw oil on a fire, but...

Many of us sexuals are attracted to the whole sex thing generally. That's what gets us up and looking for someone. The "someone" is mentally irrelevant until you meet a "someone", at which point some of the generic "Maybe being touched or whatever, but the person becomes irrelevant in my mind stuff becomes more specifically about a single person. But then, maybe not. I'm sexual and I'm lousy at fantasizing... it's like my brain never learned how to do it. I can *maybe*, if I'm lucky, picture an act or a person, but asking me to do both at the same time is nearly impossible.

Personally, I prefer the "does not desire partnered sex" definition of asexuality so as to avoid this little conundrum.

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Gumby Jellybeans III

My friends are all sexuals, hetero or homo. My homosexual friends are better at understanding asexuality, but my roommates, which are mostly hetero, and specifically one person, keeps saying I need a "sexual awakening" and when I get one everything will be however it should be.

Tell your roomates that they need a gay sexual awakening and that they don't know what they're missing by not trying. Enjoy their face ^_^

Hahaha! This!

Not to throw oil on a fire, but...

Many of us sexuals are attracted to the whole sex thing generally. That's what gets us up and looking for someone. The "someone" is mentally irrelevant until you meet a "someone", at which point some of the generic "Maybe being touched or whatever, but the person becomes irrelevant in my mind stuff becomes more specifically about a single person. But then, maybe not. I'm sexual and I'm lousy at fantasizing... it's like my brain never learned how to do it. I can *maybe*, if I'm lucky, picture an act or a person, but asking me to do both at the same time is nearly impossible.

Personally, I prefer the "does not desire partnered sex" definition of asexuality so as to avoid this little conundrum.

I think you summed it up really well when you said "becomes more specifically about a single person".

That's the part asexuals don't have.

The abstract idea of sexual experiences can seem nice, but when actually faced with a real person, there's just no desire.

Though I guess "being touched or whatever" is also something a lot of us can't relate to. The thread on masturbation in the Q&A section is interesting in this respect. Most of the aces there say they never imagine themselves in their fantasies.

For me, even the thought of personally getting physical with someone is slightly alarming. It's like romance/love and sex are these totally unrelated things. Love is connected to the real world, whereas any sexual thought is a kind of private, abstract experience (I dunno if you've ever "experienced" math - if you haven't, you won't know what I mean - but for me it's on the same level of abstraction). If I try to imagine actually doing something sexual, then it causes the same kind of feeling as if I imagined myself chewing and swallowing raw chicken. Not the end of the world, but pretty off-putting.

At least, that's been my experience. I certainly can't speak for everyone.

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