Too young and inexperienced to know for certain?

[Perscitia]

I'm 17 and consider myself an aromantic asexual. I have never had any kind of relationship, never been in love or thought of anyone as sexually/romantically attractive. But neither has anyone (to my knowledge) expressed a romantic/sexual interest in me. I am out to a few friends and family members, but I many of them are of the opinion that I will "chamge my mind after I've tried it", or that I'm "still very young and it's just a matter of time".

I'm very proud and happy to be asexual. Finding AVEN was finding a home. But I fear to come out to more people because sometimes I can't help thinking "What if they are right?" I have no wish to have sex myself, but I am not repulsed. And I've been told that it's just a matter of time so many times that I sometimes worry that I just want to be asexual and will someday discover that I was wrong about myself all the time. In general I know myself very well and logically I don't think it likely that i'm wrong, but since I have had absolutely no experience of sexual and romantic relationships I'm not always sure I can trust myself.

Has anyone else experienced doubts like these? How did you handle them?

[minimcwitch]

YES. I'm 20 and in the same boat as you. I've never had any relationships at all so I start to really doubt myself. We shall stick at it together!!!

[Zerο]

To be fair, the young and inexperienced argument can pretty much apply to anything until you have one foot in the grave.

[SithLord]

You might "grow out of it" or whatever but you might not. Time will tell but don't doubt yourself. You might be aro ace now, you might not be in a few years, you might be again eventually, and so on. It doesn't really matter since orientations are a spectrum. Just don't worry yourself sick because other people don't agree with you. You know yourself better than they know you, even if they're your parents or siblings or friends.

[Absol]

I definitely felt that way at first, and occasionally still feel it a bit. (I'm 18 btw) I've only had one boyfriend, but we dated for 8 months and didn't even kiss... so not really much in the way of sexual experience. When I feel that way, I pretty much just reason it out with myself: so I've never had any sort of experience with sex... but do I actually want to? Most people know they want to before they actually do, but actually picturing myself in a sexual situation freaks me out. So I definitely don't want to have sex, nor have I ever felt this "sexual attraction" thing that people keep talking about... guess I must be asexual. ^_^

Don't let your doubts play nasty tricks on you. If you know deep down that yo're asexual, it doesn't matter how much experience you've had.

[Elluna Hellen]

I still think they may be right sometimes and I'm 24 now. At some point you just need to let it go and identify as what feels right at the moment. If it does turn out to change, there is no harm in re-identifying yourself. If not, you will not waste years upon years not identifying with what feels right JUST because you think there is a small chance it can change.

Trust me. Been there, done that. I got sick of "I might be asexual/aromantic maybe but I could just be a latebloomer idk" eventually and just said "NOPE, I AM" and it's been that way since. It's not even been a year since that though, but still :P

[wakeywakey]

You are an aromantic asexual. In time, maybe you'll start to feel sexual/romantic attraction toward someone either in specific situations or just generally. If that happens try to keep an open mind and reevaluate where you stand. Until that happens, if ever, keep living the identity you are comfortable with. The asexual community is open to the idea of orientation being fluid so you will always belong.

[an18059]

I'm only 15, and I do have doubts sometimes, but at least nobody's actually said "you'll grow out of it" or "you'll like it once you've tried it" or anything like that. I went through a long process of discovering my (a)sexuality, so whenever I'm doubting myself I think back to that, and all the things that made me decide that I am asexual in the first place. Such as I've pretty much finished puberty and nothing has happened so far, and I couldn't tell you one person who I've ever been sexually attracted to. Maybe it is just a phase, maybe it's not - but I feel as though I'm asexual at the moment, so that's what I identify as. That can change in the future as appropriate, if necessary.

[Star Bit]

1) You don't need to try something that is impulse driven like sex and romance to know if you want it or not. You'd know if you wanted it. And 17 is past the late bloomer mark by two years.

2) No one needs to know about your orientation. Not out of shame but there's literally no point in them knowing. What's the benefit? Coming out has been made into his grand thing but it's just not necessary.

3) I would normally say the only person you should be concerned with accepting your orientation is a potential partner, but you're aromantic, so that means no one's acceptance of your orientation matters. Well, other than a QP i guess.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I agree with the responses above. Things can change or they may remain the same, all that matters is that you are comfortable with who you are. I myself still have doubts about where I fit in, especially since I have changed over the years.

At early teens, I would have hands down said "sex? Hell yea", few years later I was "sex? umm idk, maybe?" few years more I was "sex? What's so great about it again" and currently I'm a mix between the last years and "sex? I wouldn't even touch you with a 39 1/2 foot pole"

So its definitely changeable, and I'm looking to have a more grounded and certain view of this.

[Elluna Hellen]

I agree with the responses above. Things can change or they may remain the same, all that matters is that you are comfortable with who you are. I myself still have doubts about where I fit in, especially since I have changed over the years.

At early teens, I would have hands down said "sex? Hell yea", few years later I was "sex? umm idk, maybe?" few years more I was "sex? What's so great about it again" and currently I'm a mix between the last years and "sex? I wouldn't even touch you with a 39 1/2 foot pole"

So its definitely changeable, and I'm looking to have a more grounded and certain view of this.

lol xD. When I was younger I had an interest in sex on a theoretical level. I read a lot of things about puberty and what happened to your body and stuff and sex was a part of that. So in that respect i had an interest in it. when it comes to actually doing it though...

Twelve year old me: "EWWWWW, NO!"

24 year old me: "EWWWWW, NO!"

[Lord Jade Cross]

I didn't have much access to material related to it and I come from a conservative family, so my understanding of sex has been slow I guess.

[theacelizard]

I get these feelings as well. I know what you mean about doubting yourself and feeling that maybe everyone else is right. Dont know if I actually will like it if I try it either. It certainly doesn't feel that way

[colorfulgirl]

I really don't like it when people say things like that, treating it like a "phase", simply because they don't understand what you're going through. It's easy to have doubts when your sexuality is constantly being questioned.

I'm in my 20s and I used to have thoughts like that when I was younger, especially when people were saying that "we are all sexual beings, it's natural, we all want it and need it". I used to think of myself as a weirdo with some unnatural feelings. But then I realized that only I can define myself and who I am and I am not alone, there are people like me and nobody can tell me what I should be and what I should feel and need.

If you know that you're asexual and always knew it, then it means that you're asexual.

Many people who are straight/bi/gay say that they knew what their sexuality very early on, even before they started dating, they felt that they are attracted to opposite/both/the same gender. I think it's the same with asexuality and especially when you're aromantic as well. You don't need to try something to find out. Straight people don't need to date someone who is the same gender to find out that they are straight, they just know it.

[Welsh Ace]

I am 30 and I never had a relationship or had sex. i don't really think age or experience comes into it at the end of the day. People know if they are no sexually attracted to people and there is no "magic switch" that changes that, My point is you know yourself and you know if you experience sexual attraction or not. People who dismiss asexuality as "just a phase" or "you are too young" are just ignorant and don't understand asexuality.

However I did experience doubt about myself so I undertand totally. I only really recently started to accept who I am. I think coming on here, finding out ace stuff onlinje and just talking about it on here and with a good friend of mine has helped me feel more comfortable with who I am.

[Perscitia]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful replies! They are all really what I needed to hear (or read).

[AmoebaAlice]

Whenever that phrase is used as a justification for why someone doesn't understand you "that you are too young or inexperienced to really know" I find myself unable to put into words how ridiculous it is.

From that perspective, it implies that you should be deferring your opinions and views about yourself to someone older who knows and understands you better than you do. Like you aren't experienced enough as a human to understand your human self.

Nobody can tell you what's right for you, the only person who knows you inside and out is yourself. And also consider that life itself works on us and people evolve. I like to think of sexuality as fluid. There are certain days that I wake up and feel very much more asexual than I did the day before..

That being said, I completely understand just not knowing if something is right for you. I've been on and off this site since... 2004? which may have been right from the start of it's creation, I'm not sure. I lurked as anon for quite a while.

From my perspective, I remember telling my mother when I was 12 that I was never going to have children, and I remember her saying that I would change my mind later because I was too young to understand that about myself. I will be 30 next year, and I still know that I will never have children. I've definitely had doubts about it, because being something or feeling some way that is outside the social norm sucks. And I rather think those few times I considered it might be a possibility were more my really wishing I could fit that norm more than actually wanting to do so for me.

Over the past ten years I have struggled with doubt in myself about where I fall in the (a)sexuality spectrum. And since I will be 30 next year and I've been flapping about with this since I was 14, I'm reviewing where I stand and finding that not a whole lot has changed from my initial suspicion that I'm asexual.

I think we are who we are on a basic level and that doesn't change much. For me, what I felt about other people, and about sexuality when I was 17 has not actually changed much since then, but that is definitely something nobody knows about me, as well as I know about myself.

[closet particles]

OH HAI ME TOO

Er... ahem. I'm 17 too, and I'm probably asexual? But I'm still worried by the fact that I'm... well, 17, and I've had one "relationship" until now. Complicated by the fact that I only discovered my romantic orientation about a year ago, so what if I've never met the right person yet? What if, what if, what iff?

When this train of thought switches on on my brain, I usually imagine whapping it (the thought) repeatedly with a newspaper, until it shuts up.

[AmoebaAlice]

I think I'd also like to say that there is no single right person for someone. There are 7 billion people on the planet, more than a few of them are going to be compatible with you, and more than a few of them in your life (given effort because connecting with people is not always so simple) could end up being the love of your life.

Like I said, I'm 29, I've had two solid relationships. Both people I have loved very much, and both people I could see myself growing old with being a partner to for life. If you are waiting for that magical one person that makes you feel all the things you haven't felt yet so that you can confirm you are normal, it's not going to happen because it doesn't work that way. That's probably the hardest lesson I've had to come to terms with.

I love my current boyfriend, he's a sexual guy. In the first week we were together he told me he loved me and that he didn't want to scare me but he could see himself marrying me and staying together for the rest of his life, and I felt the same way. However, if I consider he's the 'right person' for me then trying to apply the idea that his love of me or my love for him will have fixed me, is ridiculous. I'm still who I was on a basic level. I'm better for having him in my life, but I'm still asexual me, that never changed.

I think the media may have tried to program us into collectively thinking romance actually works like in books and movies, and those stories are nice, but they aren't reality.