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Exploring sexuality in an asexual (Input from asexuals wanted)


Tarfeather

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Tarfeather

Me and my asexual girlfriend have been getting a lot closer lately, and it's more and more seeming to me that a lack of sexual attraction doesn't preclude what I understand as "sexuality", but only a part of that.

What you have to understand here is that for me, the whole "rubbing genitals against each other" aspect is only a tiny part of sexuality. Certain acts like cuddling, holding each other, touching each other's skin, make up a big part of the sexual experience for me, and particularly I don't feel that for sexuality, I need to be aroused or orgasm. I will feel "sexually satisfied" with much less than that.

Now I'm starting to find that my girlfriend can experience many of these things. Particularly, she can experience something that could be seen as a sort of "arousal" or "desire" or "lust". None of this is directed at me; That's what makes her asexual. The best comparison would probably be stroking a cat. The cat doesn't really care who strokes it; It only cares that it trusts you, and that the experience is pleasant.

I feel the same is true for my girlfriend, only on an almost sexual level. Once she leaves her tenseness behind, she can react strongly to certain sensual and sexual acts, almost the way a sexual person would. She doesn't get a desire to throw herself at me or anything, but she does seem "pleased" in a way that goes beyond "platonic" sensual contact. It's a bit like.. all those dynamics that sexual people use as a kind of "foreplay" to get "in the mood", applies to her as well. She even sometimes does "get in the mood", and does get genitally aroused, and I expect if it weren't for her OCD and negative attitude toward sex, she might enjoy a sexual encounter in that state.

Is this something that most asexuals experience, or is this unusual? I've found that while my girlfriend matches the basic definition of asexual (The one Pan gave me, not the one at the top of this site), she seems to match very little else. My girlfriend doesn't experience any kind of attraction; Romantic, sexual, etc. But regardless of that, her body seems to react the same way to physical contact that the body of a sexual would. Meanwhile, many asexuals on this site seem to experience the opposite: They can experience attraction (they call it romantic attraction), but their body simply lacks the responses that would make them desire sex with the target of their attraction.

Is that an accurate assessment? Input is welcome.

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Slainmonkey

This while is not something I could give a full answer to given that I'm the type of asexual that feels nothing at all, the thing you are discribing sounds like it might be Grey-A too me. Some people on the asexual spectrum do experience some elements of sexuality. Though I'm not an expert on this but I think grey-a people might hold some answers to what you seek.

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Your girlfriend sounds kinda like me, actually. I'm ace and have no libido, but I can still get aroused pretty easily. And while I never have any kind of drive for sexual stuff, the (kinda sorta) sexual things I do with my boyfriend still feel good.

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butterflydreams

I think this makes sense. All asexuals are different. Some may have varying degrees of repulsion to sexual acts while others may not. I think what you're saying though is that her body still "works". Meaning she can take pleasure in things like touching, cuddling, etc, even if there's no direction involved. The analogy of petting the cat seems apt.

I wouldn't say that I really feel too much like your girlfriend seems to, but I've never had any physical encounter beyond platonic hugs, so it's all hypothetical. I would suspect that my body is relatively functional and would respond "appropriately" to given sexual stimuli. So in that regard, I guess I am like your girlfriend. But the mind is a big part of that, and while the body sometimes does things that are out of your conscious control, the mind is always there to provide whatever reigning in it can.

I guess that's an important thing to remember. While her body may be reacting in much the way a sexual person's body would react, she may not be present, or even enjoying it. Seems like you understand that though :)

The only other thing I can think of is that one of my other hypotheses is that given a large amount of time (not sure how much) even I might be comfortable being sexual with someone. You have to understand, the prospect of sex is scary to me. There's a "heat of the moment" thing that happens and things could start occurring...not even maliciously, but things could get out of control very quickly. I think I'd have to have a really high level of trust in a partner so I KNEW they would be able to listen to certain important cues. And you know, I understand that that's kind of a pain in the ass. Maybe most people aren't going to want to be that attentive during a sexual encounter. Maybe they want to be swept away and enjoy the heat of the moment, without worrying about whether or not I'm "checking out" or in distress. I respect that. After all, there are far more people out there for whom that's much less of an issue.

To sum up, yes, how you describe her makes sense, and yes, it sounds asexual to me. Not sure what Pan's definition was, but all definitions aside, you're describing something going on that's different from sexual. Sounds like a reasonable instance of asexuality to me :)

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TheKindredSoul

I do not experience any of this, hence why I am non-libidoist. I also never allow anyone to get that close to me. However, I do not react when I am exposed to sexual images or sounds (unless disgust counts) and (a little TMI), I do not experience arousal when my parts are pressed against something (like a vibrating car or horse saddle). I do experience something though when I feel anxious or extreme emotions in my parts....but I would not consider that sexual arousal because it happens for no sexual reason. I am also repulsed by all forms of sexual and intimate activities (all sex acts, cuddling, kissing, etc. or any close contact with another person. Hugging is fine, but I noticed that I have a habit to side hug people rather than give them a full "heart-to-heart" hug. In fact, when I was graduating, the principal wanted to give me a hug. I gave him a side hug. It was quite awkward because he wanted to give me a full hug, but I am just not all that cuddly. I am emotional cuddly though....meaning that I am capable of deeply caring about people....but that is it really.

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Bad_Mr_Tree

I'm more than capable of being aroused, although I don't enjoy it much if I'm in a passive role.

But as I have a strong libido, such partnered contact has only ever served to increase my libido, which already annoys the shit out of me so unless I'm completely bored I'd rather not have sex if it means increasing my libido to a higher level and not sating it for a period of time like I can when I take it fully into my own hands. (hehe)

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Lost247365

Before I get started, I just wanted to say it feels like you are using different definitions for the word sexuality at different points in your OP. At one point it sounds like you are talking about sexuality as in orientation, and then at another you are referring to one's expression of said orientation or one's preferences with regard to intercourse, which to me are all different things.

Is this something that most asexuals experience, or is this unusual? I've found that while my girlfriend matches the basic definition of asexual (The one Pan gave me, not the one at the top of this site), she seems to match very little else. My girlfriend doesn't experience any kind of attraction; Romantic, sexual, etc. But regardless of that, her body seems to react the same way to physical contact that the body of a sexual would. Meanwhile, many asexuals on this site seem to experience the opposite: They can experience attraction (they call it romantic attraction), but their body simply lacks the responses that would make them desire sex with the target of their attraction.

I can only speak for myself, but I do experience attraction to others; but, it does not bring up any desire for me to have sex with them. Similarly, I can get aroused (though not toward people) and react to that, but I don't have a single iota of desire to do something like with another person. The idea of coital relations with someone of a different sex is a bit of a turn off, and the idea of intercourse with someone of the same sex is a HUGE turn off.

However, the idea of having a sensual relationship with someone (ie holding hands and hugging each other) does appeal to me, but I think that has more to do more with tactile pleasure as I can't seem to get the least bit "excited," thinking about that.

I imagine that there might be multiple ways that one's brain formation can lead to asexuality. Maybe some of us end up here because we have no libdos. Others end up here because we have no direction for our libdos; and, others have a libdo and an outward direction but no preference. Who knows, there could be several other ways than that; And maybe, some of us have combinations of multiple pathways to asexuality.

All I know, is that from my point of view there is a surprising number of different expressions of asexuality (as an orientation) I have encountered here, and I don't think they can be defined perfectly by a single narrow definition.

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Tarfeather

All I know, is that from my point of view there is a surprising number of different expressions of asexuality (as an orientation) I have encountered here, and I don't think they can be defined perfectly by a single narrow definition.

"Does not experience directed sexual desire" seems to work pretty well. I haven't so far met an asexual who doesn't match this definition.

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Personally, I like the definition "no innate desire for partnered sexual activity", rather than any of that attraction confusion.

But, yes aces can of course enjoy sexual activity and sensual activity. They can orgasm, get aroused, etc. Personally, I can get physically aroused and orgasm, but it doesn't feel good to me at all. And there is never mental/emotional arousal to go with it. My body just reacts to the stimulus. That's it. But, others can enjoy it and feel pleasure. Asexuality isn't about being able to enjoy, or whether or not your body responds to something. :)

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Tarfeather

Personally, I like the definition "no innate desire for partnered sexual activity", rather than any of that attraction confusion.

But, yes aces can of course enjoy sexual activity and sensual activity. They can orgasm, get aroused, etc. Personally, I can get physically aroused and orgasm, but it doesn't feel good to me at all. And there is never mental/emotional arousal to go with it. My body just reacts to the stimulus. That's it. But, others can enjoy it and feel pleasure. Asexuality isn't about being able to enjoy, or whether or not your body responds to something. :)

Nobody mentioned attraction. Let's ignore the silly definition at the top for now. Also, your definition is strange depending on what you mean by "innate". If someone grows fond of sexual activity and thus "desires" it, is that not "innate"? Or do you mean "innate" as in "in-born", something they must desire without even having experienced it before?

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Personally, I like the definition "no innate desire for partnered sexual activity", rather than any of that attraction confusion.

But, yes aces can of course enjoy sexual activity and sensual activity. They can orgasm, get aroused, etc. Personally, I can get physically aroused and orgasm, but it doesn't feel good to me at all. And there is never mental/emotional arousal to go with it. My body just reacts to the stimulus. That's it. But, others can enjoy it and feel pleasure. Asexuality isn't about being able to enjoy, or whether or not your body responds to something. :)

Nobody mentioned attraction. Let's ignore the silly definition at the top for now. Also, your definition is strange depending on what you mean by "innate". If someone grows fond of sexual activity and thus "desires" it, is that not "innate"? Or do you mean "innate" as in "in-born", something they must desire without even having experienced it before?

Innate by dictionary definition is "inborn" or "natural". To me, if I had sex and liked it so much that I desired having it for myself, not just cause my partner wanted to and could enjoy it too, I would consider myself grey-a at the least though. But, as David Jay says, the label is a tool and if it helps, use it. There is no one set "you have to be like this to call yourself asexual". :)

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Tarfeather

To me, if I had sex and liked it so much that I desired having it for myself, not just cause my partner wanted to and could enjoy it too, I would consider myself grey-a at the least though.

Ehhh.. What I do when thinking about stuff like this is imagining myself having sex with another guy. Yes, I could probably do it, I might even enjoy it and want to do it again without the other asking me to. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm not attracted sexually to that person. It'd be inherently different from actually being homosexual, not even slightly. It's a different issue from sexual attraction.

PS: As for innate, that isn't a very useful definition, as even for sexuals it's hard to prove that their attraction is "inborn" as opposed to having developed sometime during childhood.

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To me, if I had sex and liked it so much that I desired having it for myself, not just cause my partner wanted to and could enjoy it too, I would consider myself grey-a at the least though.

Ehhh.. What I do when thinking about stuff like this is imagining myself having sex with another guy. Yes, I could probably do it, I might even enjoy it and want to do it again without the other asking me to. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm not attracted sexually to that person. It'd be inherently different from actually being homosexual, not even slightly. It's a different issue from sexual attraction.

See, for me, I can't imagine having sex with a woman. At all. Where I MIGHT have sex with a male friend for their pleasure, or I do have sex with my male partner, I couldn't comfortably do those things with a female. Hence why I go with heteroromantic. I don't think I actually could go through with sex, or sensuality, with a woman unless I had a very, very good reason (MAYBE for a large sum of money, possibly...). It would just be too awkward and feel too weird for me, because I am attracted to women in no way (not aesthetically, sexually, sensually, romantically, nothing) so it'd be like... trying to have sex with my mom for me. Too weird without ANY feelings that are non-platonic (as in, the ladder of relationships based off Plato definition of platonic). If I could happily be with and desire either sex, I would go with biromantic. Just like, if I could desire having sex for myself (as in, I would initiate for ME and seek it out for ME) then I would go with grey-a at the least.

But, as I said, there is no set "one definition". Many people have many different definitions. Some think as long as you do not care WHO you have sex with, asexuality counts. Some think that aesthetic appeal only or emotional appeal only being why you choose a sex partner counts. Etc, etc. Self-identifying means you get to choose what feels right for you. And so, everyone has their own definitions.

As for innate... I think of it more as "natural" coming from you, not from outside sources, rather than "inborn" meaning there since conception.

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As to exploring sexuality as an asexual..

hmmmm

For me, I have started feeling a desire to connect sexually/to explore sexuality with someone and would like to explore sexual things with him (minus anything to do with my own genitals; no receiving oral, no vaginal penetration by any part of his body or toys or anything, no clitoral stimulation by him.. I know for a fact I do not enjoy any of those things at all) but because of this desire to explore sexuality, I would no longer be comfortable identifying as asexual, as to me, clearly I am not an asexual person. Clearly a desire to explore sexuality (only with this one person, and for the first time in 26 years, and no idea if I'll actually enjoy the exploring until we meet) would make me demisexual or at least grey-asexual (somewhere between asexual and sexual anyway)

I know I am certainly not a fully sexual person, but to me, I am too sexual to feel comfortable continuing to identify as asexual. No I haven't met this person yet, but the desire to explore sexually/experience sexual pleasure with him, is certainly there.

When I identified as fully ace, I literally had no desire to explore sexuality for my own pleasure (that's the key to all this, for me: there is a difference between exploring sexuality to work out what your sexual orientation is - ie homosexual, asexual, whatever, and exploring sexuality as a means to experience new levels of pleasure and find out what things you can enjoy sexually with the person you love/with another person. To me the first can still be asexual, the second is clearly displaying some levels of sexuality, no? and I am the second. Went through the first when I was much younger, never desired or enjoyed the sex, but wanted to work out ''what I was'' and make myself ''normal'' etc) .. so once one is displaying some levels of sexuality, how are they still "a(without)sexual"? ie without a desire to connect sexually with other people?

I don't know, I'm just rambling.

Not saying your girlfriend or anyone else isn't ace, just attempting to illustrate what this particular experience has been like for me.

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As to exploring sexuality as an asexual..

hmmmm

For me, I have started feeling a desire to connect sexually/to explore sexuality with someone and would like to explore sexual things with him (minus anything to do with my own genitals; no receiving oral, no vaginal penetration by any part of his body or toys or anything, no clitoral stimulation by him.. I know for a fact I do not enjoy any of those things at all) but because of this desire to explore sexuality, I would no longer be comfortable identifying as asexual, as to me, clearly I am not an asexual person. Clearly a desire to explore sexuality (only with this one person, and for the first time in 26 years, and no idea if I'll actually enjoy the exploring until we meet) would make me demisexual or at least grey-asexual (somewhere between asexual and sexual anyway)

I know I am certainly not a fully sexual person, but to me, I am too sexual to feel comfortable continuing to identify as asexual. No I haven't met this person yet, but the desire to explore sexually/experience sexual pleasure with him, is certainly there.

When I identified as fully ace, I literally had no desire to explore sexuality for my own pleasure (that's the key to all this, for me: there is a difference between exploring sexuality to work out what your sexual orientation is - ie homosexual, asexual, whatever, and exploring sexuality as a means to experience new levels of pleasure and find out what things you can enjoy sexually with the person you love/with another person. To me the first can still be asexual, the second is clearly displaying some levels of sexuality, no? and I am the second. Went through the first when I was much younger, never desired or enjoyed the sex, but wanted to work out ''what I was'' and make myself ''normal'' etc) .. so once one is displaying some levels of sexuality, how are they still "a(without)sexual"? ie without a desire to connect sexually with other people?

I find this a very interesting view, and while it's definitely a personal thing, I personally think that it depends a lot on WHY you're exploring sexuality. Why you have a desire to. I mean, my girlfriend explores her sexuality too, but as far as I know that's mostly to try and find some form of compromise with me, and I doubt she'd be doing it if she didn't have a (highly sexual) boyfriend. She still firmly identifies as asexual despite the exploring.

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I find this a very interesting view, and while it's definitely a personal thing, I personally think that it depends a lot on WHY you're exploring sexuality. Why you have a desire to. I mean, my girlfriend explores her sexuality too, but as far as I know that's mostly to try and find some form of compromise with me, and I doubt she'd be doing it if she didn't have a (highly sexual) boyfriend. She still firmly identifies as asexual despite the exploring.

Yes I agree with you about it depending on WHY you're exploring sexuality. Technically it sounds like your girlfriend is doing it out of a desire to be able to please her partner more extensively, as opposed to innately desiring it just for the sake of sexual pleasure itself?

My partner was identifying as asexual when I met him, never been interested in having sex or anything.. Yet something changed for us somehow and we now both desire sex with each other for the sake of experiencing mutual sexual pleasure (which is something neither of us ever considered we'd want) .. Therefore in our case, there is no "alterior motive" (ie desiring sex to make a baby, desiring sex to please a sexual partner) it's literally just desiring sex for the sake of sexual pleasure itself; to please each other, to enhance intimacy, to have fun. ie not asexual in my opinion.

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I see. Yes indeed, that doesn't sound like asexual anymore when you put it like that.

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Now I'm starting to find that my girlfriend can experience many of these things. Particularly, she can experience something that could be seen as a sort of "arousal" or "desire" or "lust". None of this is directed at me; That's what makes her asexual. The best comparison would probably be stroking a cat. The cat doesn't really care who strokes it; It only cares that it trusts you, and that the experience is pleasant.

I feel the same is true for my girlfriend, only on an almost sexual level. Once she leaves her tenseness behind, she can react strongly to certain sensual and sexual acts, almost the way a sexual person would. She doesn't get a desire to throw herself at me or anything, but she does seem "pleased" in a way that goes beyond "platonic" sensual contact. It's a bit like.. all those dynamics that sexual people use as a kind of "foreplay" to get "in the mood", applies to her as well. She even sometimes does "get in the mood", and does get genitally aroused, and I expect if it weren't for her OCD and negative attitude toward sex, she might enjoy a sexual encounter in that state.

Is this something that most asexuals experience, or is this unusual? I've found that while my girlfriend matches the basic definition of asexual (The one Pan gave me, not the one at the top of this site), she seems to match very little else. My girlfriend doesn't experience any kind of attraction; Romantic, sexual, etc. But regardless of that, her body seems to react the same way to physical contact that the body of a sexual would. Meanwhile, many asexuals on this site seem to experience the opposite: They can experience attraction (they call it romantic attraction), but their body simply lacks the responses that would make them desire sex with the target of their attraction.

Is that an accurate assessment? Input is welcome.

If we're working from a definition where sexual "attraction" = unconscious/uncontrolled physical reaction and draw towards sexual activity with a specific person, and lack of that = asexuality, then I don't see your girlfriend's reactions to be outside the realm of asexuality. She sounds similar to me, and much of what I've read about asexuality resonates with me like crazy, even though I have, and sometimes quite enjoy, sex. It took literally years of exploration (and, frankly, work) but I can now become aroused and consciously interested in partnered sexual activities. And sometimes (though rarely) I even initiate for purely physical, selfish reasons (as opposed to altruistic or emotional reasons). However, I still don't see these reactions and situations to be about sexual attraction, thus I don't see them at odds with the definition of asexuality. At best, they are under the umbrella of "desire" (which I consider a more conscious, and more easily ignored feeling than I imagine "attraction' to be). And, as you noted, there are allll kinds of activities that can be considered sexual, sensual, or intimate, and can, depending on the person and/or relationship, satisfy peoples' sexual, sensual, or intimate needs. My partner is quite sexual, but I only learned recently that often of what I saw as a monolithic need for S-E-X is can be, for him, a need for touch and physical intimacy.

Something I began to realize in the past couple years (and which paved the way for my almost immediate acceptance of asexuality) is that regardless of how much more comfortable I've become with sex, and even sometimes desirous of certain partnered things, over the span of my relationship, I still haven't, as far as I know, experienced sexual attraction. I do have romantic attractions, get crushes, see someone good-looking and imagine it would be nice to talk to them and maybe have some sort of physical contact. But...if I was going to experience actual sexual attraction it would have happened by now. So the more I read and think about my own experiences, I'm quite convinced that all these things really are distinct from each other, and asexuality and desire aren't mutually exclusive.

A specific example, trying spoiler tags for TMI:

Something I have learned to enjoy and, rarely, directly desire from my partner is receiving oral sex. It's by necessity a partnered activity, and some would probably say wanting that with him means I'm not asexual. However, the fact that I desire it from him is directly related to concepts like trust, emotional intimacy, confidence, etc - basically, because we have a long term emotionally intimate relationship, I am comfortable asking this of him when I desire that release. I do not seek it from him because of sexual attraction (because what is that even, sorry sweetie I love you), which would imply I'd be happy to seek it out with someone else, assuming I was sexually attracted to them *runs screaming at the very notion*

Anyhow, I'm rambling and perhaps missing the point of your question, haha. Short answer: from these forums (which is a self-selecting group, thus not a reliable sample) I've gathered that asexuals who have sex, and sometimes (or always?) enjoy sexual activities are in the minority, but certainly exist. It sounds like your partner is simply an asexual who is capable of arousal and desire. I do not think desire and/or libido and aromanticism (which might fit the bill for your gf) are mutually exclusive. Also, I'd guess that of asexuals outside the community (this forum, Tumblr blogs, etc), a higher proportion are in this camp than we see here. Maybe they simply don't know they're asexual (like me), or they know but are able to more happily/easily compromise within a sexual relationship and thus don't have a personal need for community support.

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  • 3 weeks later...
ObsessedWithAnime

I would say it's just the opposite, like how someone is perhaps aroused by touching their parts "downstairs." This is just a basic physical reaction and may be separate from whats going on in their head. Touching a penis and providing stimulation can make it erect for example.... I don't really see it as "her body reacting like how any sexual person's body would react" (paraphrasing) because our bodies are the same they can react to stimulation just like everyone else I see asexuality as being more of a disconnect for me personally and not understanding sexual attraction and impulses (for me).

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Asexuality only encompasses sexual attraction. Some aces do feel sexual desire, or do get aroused. It differs from person to person, but I think it sounds like your girlfriend may be an ace who enjoys sexual things. To each his own! :)

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  • 3 weeks later...
I Shot the Serif

I used to label myself asexual; now things are more confusing. Anyway, my experience was this way: Despite the mental block I had about being ace, I got so close to my partner that gradually I began to think that it might be a nice experience to do sexual things with him and sure enough it was. ("Everything works" in my body; I never had any doubt that my actual libido or ability to be aroused/experience sexual pleasure was lesser than the standard.) And so even back when I was insistent on calling myself ace, I actually felt happy that I had chosen a sexual partner because otherwise I would never have explored this way of being close to someone. So based on my experience, I support experimentation with willing people, no matter what orientation they say they are; good things can come of it.

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Autumn Season

Your girlfriend sounds like a person, who is able to experience physical sexual arousal. This doesn't mean that she desires partnered sex or even that she has a libido, only that her body works "properly" when touched. And yes, she seems to be asexual.

I guess that's an important thing to remember. While her body may be reacting in much the way a sexual person's body would react, she may not be present, or even enjoying it. Seems like you understand that though :)

^ This.

The idea of coital relations with someone of a different sex is a bit of a turn off, and the idea of intercourse with someone of the same sex is a HUGE turn off.

^ And this. I can get "in the mood" sensually and romantically. Meaning I will want to touch and say sweet words to my loved one. I don't get physically aroused though. And as soon as something sexual happens or is implied, it's actually a "turn off". That means that I will not want to do/ say anything sensual/ romantic anymore. It's like a bucket of cold water poured over my head, leaving me perplexed and on guard.

Hm, reminds me of something you once wrote about your GF, actually. You said that when you touch her in a very specific way, she will have a strong sexual feeling. She would react shocked and stop doing anything sensual from that point onwards. I might be wrong, but maybe for her too, sexual feelings are a "turn off" for her sensual feelings, if that makes sense. And maybe, not sure though, arousal does not feel good to her. It might be possible to get used to arousal, but I don't want to speak for her.

But, yes aces can of course enjoy sexual activity and sensual activity. They can orgasm, get aroused, etc. Personally, I can get physically aroused and orgasm, but it doesn't feel good to me at all. And there is never mental/emotional arousal to go with it. My body just reacts to the stimulus. That's it. But, others can enjoy it and feel pleasure. Asexuality isn't about being able to enjoy, or whether or not your body responds to something. :)

^ And this. xD

I think that sometimes it is important to differentiate between physical and mental arousal. I would say that physical arousal is when the body reacts to touch and mental arousal is when the body reacts to a pleasant emotion. For me personally that means that I cannot get aroused by touch, only by seeing/ hearing/ reading/ imagining something. Example: "sexy talk" can be a (sexual) turn on. I think that for other women romantic situations can be an emotional turn on, or at least that's what I heard.

So here is an idea: Try to turn on your GF emotionally. She might agree to watch an erotic movie with you, talk dirty to each other (while not actually doing anything), do something romantic like looking each other in the eyes, while lying next to each other, things like these. If she were emotionally in the mood, then maybe her physical arousal would not feel wrong to her anymore.

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Hooded_Crow

Me and my asexual girlfriend have been getting a lot closer lately, and it's more and more seeming to me that a lack of sexual attraction doesn't preclude what I understand as "sexuality", but only a part of that.

What you have to understand here is that for me, the whole "rubbing genitals against each other" aspect is only a tiny part of sexuality. Certain acts like cuddling, holding each other, touching each other's skin, make up a big part of the sexual experience for me, and particularly I don't feel that for sexuality, I need to be aroused or orgasm. I will feel "sexually satisfied" with much less than that.

Now I'm starting to find that my girlfriend can experience many of these things. Particularly, she can experience something that could be seen as a sort of "arousal" or "desire" or "lust". None of this is directed at me; That's what makes her asexual. The best comparison would probably be stroking a cat. The cat doesn't really care who strokes it; It only cares that it trusts you, and that the experience is pleasant.

I feel the same is true for my girlfriend, only on an almost sexual level. Once she leaves her tenseness behind, she can react strongly to certain sensual and sexual acts, almost the way a sexual person would. She doesn't get a desire to throw herself at me or anything, but she does seem "pleased" in a way that goes beyond "platonic" sensual contact. It's a bit like.. all those dynamics that sexual people use as a kind of "foreplay" to get "in the mood", applies to her as well. She even sometimes does "get in the mood", and does get genitally aroused, and I expect if it weren't for her OCD and negative attitude toward sex, she might enjoy a sexual encounter in that state.

Is this something that most asexuals experience, or is this unusual? I've found that while my girlfriend matches the basic definition of asexual (The one Pan gave me, not the one at the top of this site), she seems to match very little else. My girlfriend doesn't experience any kind of attraction; Romantic, sexual, etc. But regardless of that, her body seems to react the same way to physical contact that the body of a sexual would. Meanwhile, many asexuals on this site seem to experience the opposite: They can experience attraction (they call it romantic attraction), but their body simply lacks the responses that would make them desire sex with the target of their attraction.

Is that an accurate assessment? Input is welcome.

I think I'm a bit like your girlfriend (except that I don't have a negative view of sex nor do I suffer from OCD).

I do believe that in certain circumstances an asexual person can enjoy and welcome sexual encounters.

Phil and I do share some sexuality and a lot of sensuality. We'll cuddle and stroke and touch each other, and kiss, and it can occasionally get us "in the mood". We'll become turned on and because we trust each other and it feels nice we can then enjoy pushing the touching into something more sexual (but the drive always remains sensual and romantic, we never jump on each other).

We are still asexual because sex isn't something we actively desire and the attraction between us isn't sexual in nature at all.

:) so there you go.

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Ace of Cakes

I'm an asexual female in a relationship with a straight male and I can definitely relate. I don't have too negative of feelings about sex, but I do have some internalized negativity brought on by being raised in purity culture. However, I am a Christian, and for that reason my boyfriend and I haven't done anything too sexual. We do make out and stuff though, and from that experience, I can say that I am a bit like your girlfriend in that I can be aroused despite not wanting sex.



My boyfriend tells me that I'm good at making out, that I react "properly" if that makes sense. My brain doesn't get "turned on" so much, but my body does. I have no libido, but everything "down there" seems to work just fine... in fact, it doesn't seem to take all that much. At this point, I find that annoying, as it feels like my body is saying, "We're gonna have sex!" and my brain is all like, "No, no, no... We're really not." I imagine though, that if I marry my boyfriend, I will lose much of my negativity towards sex as it will be okay for me to participate in it according to my religious beliefs. I think this may allow me to be receptive towards the act. In this sense, I think I'm like your girlfriend, in that if it weren't for psychological negativity towards sex, I might be able to enjoy it, seeing as my body does appear to respond


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