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Hi guys, me again. As a newbie I have a lot of questions.

The other day I came out to one of my friends for the first time. But I have not told my best friend. In fact I am dreading telling my best friend. The main reason for my dread is that he is a very strict christian and I am not sure how this will lead him to react.

I know I dont have to tell people I'm asexual, and I dont intend to tell every one. But this friend is incredibly love sick and incredible alert to the ladies (in a respectful way), and when ever he sees me with a girl (I have many female friends), or talking to a nice girl (in a pub for example) he is always encouraging me to ask her out on a date. But I have no interest in dating and find his persistence rather stressful. I simply want to shut him up on the topic.

I have never heard any thing like 'christians against asexuals', but I imagine that to a christian gods message to love, marry and reproduce is a strong one. I just dont know what to expect and dont want to make things awkward between us.

So, do any one you have any experience with this scenario?

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(Quick disclosure: I'm an atheist with some minor hostility to Christianity because of my history with Christians.)

The reactions of Christians to asexuality is more or less randomized. No churches have widely known official positions on asexuality (the Jesuits once said asexuals don't exist in a pamphlet, but that doesn't mean most Jesuits or Catholics have heard of asexuality or are hostile). Many Christians consider it a responsibility to go out and marry and procreate, especially for women, but that's not the case with all, and asexuality is never considered a sin. The apostle Paul even strongly indicates he's asexual in his letter to the Corinthians - he gets weirded out by others' sexual drives and behaviors and insists it's best to keep it all within marriage if you've got to do it, but it would be even better if they could be like him and just not do that sort of stuff. Paul has sex-negative views I don't agree with, but he also tolerates and supports those of other sexualities than himself, and I really wish more Christians would follow that example.

It could be:

- Identifying it as a queer sexuality and reacting with the hostility one would show to homosexuals, bisexuals, transgender people, etc.

- Identifying it as a queer sexuality but reacting with suspicion rather than hostility, as one might a strange wolf-like dog that just wandered onto your lawn

- Loving tolerance, because that's what good Christians are supposed to do, but without actually understanding what it is or wanting to learn more

- Loving tolerance but with an added side helping of patronizing 'praying for you'

- Misunderstanding it as chastity until marriage and approving

- A sort of weird fetishization (in the non-sexual sense) of asexuality deeming it to be somehow superior to all other sexualities, along with serious approval that's kind of creepy in its way

- The same sort of fetishization, but subconscious and unacknowledged and seriously tied up with personal hangups about sex and religion that results in an inferiority complex that drives hostility towards oneself that then gets lashed out at the asexual person

- Actually getting it and being totally supportive in the best of ways

- Any reaction you might see among the irreligious and those of other religions, both positive and negative, both ignorant and knowledgeable, both loving and stupid

Or a mixture of the above! Basically, it's all the weird reactions you get from other people, plus new religiously flavored reactions and underlying thoughts. But if this is your best friend you're talking about, he's predisposed to liking you and wanting to see the best in you, which means he'll likely have a pretty positive response, even if he's a bit confused or weirded out at first. In general, people have negative responses to asexuality if they're hearing about it in the abstract, as this weird, faceless 'new' group, but positive ones if it's just one of their friends coming out and explaining another aspect of themselves to them.

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(Quick disclosure: I'm an atheist with some minor hostility to Christianity because of my history with Christians.)

The reactions of Christians to asexuality is more or less randomized. No churches have widely known official positions on asexuality (the Jesuits once said asexuals don't exist in a pamphlet, but that doesn't mean most Jesuits or Catholics have heard of asexuality or are hostile). Many Christians consider it a responsibility to go out and marry and procreate, especially for women, but that's not the case with all, and asexuality is never considered a sin. The apostle Paul even strongly indicates he's asexual in his letter to the Corinthians - he gets weirded out by others' sexual drives and behaviors and insists it's best to keep it all within marriage if you've got to do it, but it would be even better if they could be like him and just not do that sort of stuff. Paul has sex-negative views I don't agree with, but he also tolerates and supports those of other sexualities than himself, and I really wish more Christians would follow that example.

It could be:

- Identifying it as a queer sexuality and reacting with the hostility one would show to homosexuals, bisexuals, transgender people, etc.

- Identifying it as a queer sexuality but reacting with suspicion rather than hostility, as one might a strange wolf-like dog that just wandered onto your lawn

- Loving tolerance, because that's what good Christians are supposed to do, but without actually understanding what it is or wanting to learn more

- Loving tolerance but with an added side helping of patronizing 'praying for you'

- Misunderstanding it as chastity until marriage and approving

- A sort of weird fetishization (in the non-sexual sense) of asexuality deeming it to be somehow superior to all other sexualities, along with serious approval that's kind of creepy in its way

- The same sort of fetishization, but subconscious and unacknowledged and seriously tied up with personal hangups about sex and religion that results in an inferiority complex that drives hostility towards oneself that then gets lashed out at the asexual person

- Actually getting it and being totally supportive in the best of ways

- Any reaction you might see among the irreligious and those of other religions, both positive and negative, both ignorant and knowledgeable, both loving and stupid

Or a mixture of the above! Basically, it's all the weird reactions you get from other people, plus new religiously flavored reactions and underlying thoughts. But if this is your best friend you're talking about, he's predisposed to liking you and wanting to see the best in you, which means he'll likely have a pretty positive response, even if he's a bit confused or weirded out at first. In general, people have negative responses to asexuality if they're hearing about it in the abstract, as this weird, faceless 'new' group, but positive ones if it's just one of their friends coming out and explaining another aspect of themselves to them.

Thanks for the long and well thought out response. I would never expect an in my face negative reaction from my friend as he is very chill. But at the same time I have known him to find situations awkward before and begin to avoid them from then on.

I like what you say about Paul the apostle. I never knew this and now want to celebrate it.

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It depends on the individual. I'm Christian, come from a rather conservative background at that (though I have left behind some aspects of that), and I don't think asexuality conflicts with Christianity. Maybe your friend wouldn't either.

You might introduce it as having no desire to marry or reproduce rather than as an orientation (if you think he might be inclined to reject the idea of orientations). You could point out this passage from I Corinthians 7:25-28:

I think that in view of the present[i] distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman[j] marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.

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My family are catholic's which is one of the more strict forms of Christianity. I haven't really told my parents anything about my sexuality yet but it's kind of obvious as far as I'm concerned and multiple times they've asked me about it since they've been catching on. As for my parent's they're totally supportive. Every time I talk about anything that's out of the ordinary in terms of sexuality they start grilling me with supportive statements and telling me they'll love me regardless. If my parents who are both in their 50's and devote catholics can accept whatever I throw at them, I'm sure someone from our generation who's much younger will be twice as accepting, even if he's a christian. And to be honest, if he can't accept you then he's probably not worth it anyhow.

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Ace of Cakes

It depends on the individual. I'm Christian, come from a rather conservative background at that (though I have left behind some aspects of that), and I don't think asexuality conflicts with Christianity. Maybe your friend wouldn't either.

You might introduce it as having no desire to marry or reproduce rather than as an orientation (if you think he might be inclined to reject the idea of orientations). You could point out this passage from I Corinthians 7:25-28:

I think that in view of the present[i] distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman[j] marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.

Another ace Christian here, who is no longer quite as conservative as I was brought up to be haha. Anyway, I agree with humantoafault.

Apart from non-religion-related objections to your asexuality, the biggest objection I expect you to encounter would be if you're romantic or otherwise inclined to having a relationship, in which case some Christians might not feel that it is right for you to "withold" sex from your partner (I don't agree) or maybe that if you don't plan to have children, then (especially if your friend is Catholic), this might pose a problem.

However, if you're aromantic, you can very easily connect it to Paul's writings. Even if you're not aro, there really is nothing in the Bible that should be taken to be against asexuality, so I'd say it's less about how religious/Christian your friend is versus how conservative... Oftentimes, though, the two tend to be pretty connected though...

It's up to you whether you tell your friend or not - being a Christian myself, I have many Christian friends, some I've told and some I haven't. If you decide to tell your friend and he reacts poorly, don't hesitate to message me (or even refer him to me - I'm willing to share my email info). I'd love to help explain more to him or help you see things from a Christian point of view in order to help him accept your sexuality.

I think God's message to love others (not romantically) is one of the most important aspects of Christianity, and we are taught to love others no matter what. I think this is what your friend should focus on, whether he understands your asexuality or not. I would hope that this is the case, but I can't tell you 100% that it will be.

Note: As you've said you don't think your friend will react super dramatically, but are more worried about awkwardness. I'd say that if there is awkwardness, it's probably a result of him being uncertain what to think of asexuality, or thinking that it's wrong but still caring about you. Either way, it might be best, if you tell him and this is the result, to give him some time to think about things along with some resources (I can help find some, others have already given you some as well) showing why it's okay. When my friend came out as gay to me, back in my very conservative days, I was unsure how to feel as I wanted to support him but didn't think it was right as a Christian. I took some time though, and looked at the gay christian network website, and ended up changing my mind. So if you do come out to him, don't worry too much if the initial reaction isn't what you hope for. Time to pray and think might be beneficial.

Good luck! :)

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thatotherguy57

I'm agnostic, but I was raised Southern Baptist. I left for a multitude of reasons that I'm not going to get into. With Christians, you can simply flip a coin to guess what their reaction will be. I've spoken with a few very devout Christians, one of whom is a former minister about homosexuality and asexuality. The former minister, who is a friend of mine, said there is nothing wrong with asexuality, he actually believes similarly to me that we're all human, we're all different, and we all are flawed in our own ways. Needless to say, my respect for him went up dramatically after that conversation. I've heard from fundamentalist Christians both ends of the argument; some said that there's nothing wrong with asexuality, others that it is as bad or worse than homosexuality. I've also heard both ends from open, progressive Christians, and moderate Christians.

Granted, I don't think that any of the ones I've conferred with really knew much about asexuality, although, the minister friend of mine did know a little about it, but I didn't come out to him. You may want to feel out your friend's thoughts before coming out to him.

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That asexual guy

The biggest obstacle I could see is that a person would not believe you and would twist the fact that you aren't interested in dating these women as you really being gay and lying about it.

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Titus Oates

As a "strict" Catholic, I really think anyone who finds a negative view of asexuality through Christianity is just trying to justify their own personal views with their religion, but actually, as Kappamaki put well, there is very little in the basics of Christian teaching that would support such a view. In fact, there is much more "sex-negative" talk in scripture and in Christian tradition (Church fathers etc.) than anything about going forth and multiplying. :blink: Otherwise Christian monasticism would never have developed in the way that it did.

However, what EarlGrey said is also a real concern. It happens. But in general, I find that sort of assumption more common from irreligious people, who (I've been told outright more than once) feel I'm somehow repressing myself subconsciously.

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cosmic-ace

I was raised in a Christian community (though I don't identify as Christian myself,) and I have had varying responses, to my father being very accepting, to my mother and sister patronizing me because they think I just haven't found the right person yet, to some members of the community telling me I'm wrong because "God designed us to procreate!"

But there is nothing in the Bible that could ever really be used logically against asexuals. My father, a Bible college professor, even showed me passages where celibacy is in fact encouraged and went on to explain that any argument lobbed at us has an equally logical defense. If you really don't want to have to defend yourself though, you could choose not to use the term asexual and simply say you have chosen to remain celibate.

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I'm Catholic and my friends seem to think I'm pretty devoted. I do take my religion seriously. I think God's alright with me. Ay, being asexual isn't going against the Ten Commandments. What I know from my religious belief does not conflict much with me, as a person. As a Christian, I kinda disregard a lot of things and just think that God wants us to love everyone. God didn't write the bible. Eh, that's a weird argument.

1 John 4:7 - Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

1 John 4:20-21 - If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

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I do have some second-hand evidence that not all Catholics are fine with asexuals. My friend's church (he's ace too) is getting rather antsy about the fact that he is over 30 and still unmarried. They are pressuring him because he should be married with three kids already, etc.

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not much to add- just sending my support, and saying that while would classify myself as 'undefined/?asexual' (read: currently typically asexual, but possibly demi with trust issues), the two friends I have discussed my sexuality with have been christians. One was just like 'me too- i totally get it' (although she did have desire for her partner in the honeymoon stage), and the other was encouraging, and was the person who actually the first person I heard use the term asexual. So we're not all judgemental :P.

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Titus Oates

I do have some second-hand evidence that not all Catholics are fine with asexuals. My friend's church (he's ace too) is getting rather antsy about the fact that he is over 30 and still unmarried. They are pressuring him because he should be married with three kids already, etc.

Yeah, that's probably for social, rather than religious reasons. Unfortunately, young heterosexual Roman Catholic males are not so common these days, and this does have adverse implications for the future of the society. Whether a child will continue to attend church as an adult is much more related to their father's church attendance than their mother's. I think some people would view an unmarried, churchgoing young man as a valuable future Catholic father and he might experience some pressure on that account.

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I am not Jewish but have been studying Judaism for a long time and that's what guides my faith.

I think with "religious" folks it all comes down to what kind of person they are. There are devoted religious that think that LGBTQers are OK with Takei and there are those who are trying to propose legislation to shoot them in the head. To be constantly and consistently patronized by someone because of their faith's view of me, most times is a deal breaker because such folks want everyone else to be exactly like themselves.

It all depends on the person, how much of Scripture they know, and how they apply it to their own life (sometimes THAT's more revealing than how they apply it to YOU.)

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JohnnyRingo

I'm not religious at all, but my understanding of the protestant concept of "celibacy" is that it's precisely asexuality. It's their word for exactly the same phenomenon.

For Catholics, celibacy is a choice made by people who are ostensibly allosexual, as an act of sacrifice. That's not the case with protestants. They talk about it in terms of "the gift of celibacy," and they believe it's a gift from God that very few people get, not a choice made by the individual.

I suspect the protestant version of "celibacy" is simply their way of understanding the phenomenon we call "asexuality" within the context of their religious beliefs.

Which ultimately means they shouldn't have a problem with it at all.

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Perissodactyla

Your best friend is Christian. You don't explicitly state your religious or philosophical view, if any. But it sounds like you're NOT Christian.

If you're NOT Christan, I don't understand why your Christian friend would preach to you about his interpretation of the Bible.

If he holds you in as high esteem as you do him (since you appear to respect his view to the point of wanting to avoid upsetting him or creating tension), maybe he will immediately love you and accept what you tell him, without being normative and enforcing his beliefs on you.

If he DOES preach to you, I would say that is evidence that he is NOT as good a friend as you consider him to be right now.

Asexuality seemed to work for Jesus.


Perhaps you ARE Christian but not a 'very strict Christian' as you describe your best friend. (I'm not going to read your previous posts to determine this.)

You don't say how LONG you two have been 'best friends', but I'm assuming it's for years. (?)

I have good friends from many different views including very strict ones, but I will drop them like a hot rock if they try to preach to me.

And I could never accept pretending to be a close friend with someone who behaved in that way, since it's sort of manipulative and disrespectful.

I do think it's weird that honesty is not a strong Christian value for some Christians.
If you honestly and respectfully communicate with your best friend something very personal and important to you, I really can't see why your best friend and a loving Christian would not support you one million percent. :)

Edited by Splatacus
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Disclaimer: I haven't read the whole thread because it's 2:40 AM and I am braindead.

My Christian friends were all very accepting of my asexuality, but in case yours isn't you may find the quoteblock below useful. Shortly after I came out to my mom, she e-mailed me these verses because she didn't want me to feel as if my sexuality was at odds with my faith.

1 Cor 7:7-8
I wish that all of you were as I am. [i.e. single] But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.

1 Cor 7:32-35
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

Mark 12:25
When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. [Jesus speaking]

Matthew 19:11-12
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

I'd also like to point out that when God said "be fruitful and multiply", he wasn't speaking to humanity in general and demanding all of us to procreate. He was speaking first to Adam and Eve and then to Noah's family because, you know, survival of the species and all that.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Gumby Jellybeans III

My best friend is a really enthusiastic born-again Christian. I told her about my orientation today over the phone and she didn't mind at all. Actually, she said "thank you" for trusting her with something like that.

I think in a lot of people's minds asexual=celibate, so they don't see it as an issue. So far everyone I've told has been totally unimpressed like "why does that even matter"?

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Thanks for all the feedback guys. It has been very reassuring and all my reservations about telling my friend have passed. I have not told him yet, and may not for some time. I just dont think im sexuality is that news worthy. But when the time comes I feel much more confident.

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Might also want to consider Matthew 19:12 "For there are men who were born eunuchs from their mother's womb, and there are men who were made eunuchs by men." So it seems they recognized that some men that seemed to be naturally not able to have sex.

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