What's wrong with me

[Confused93]

Hi all I'm probably in wrong place so sorry.

I don't consider myself asexual as I like being close to a guy and on the very rare occasion I hav sex I do feel physical pleasure. However I have no interest in sex at all and sometimes feel ashamed if I am sexual. I could easily go without it for life. Do I just have low libido or am I just messed up? I'm so confused. :'(

[Lord Jade Cross]

You could be demi sexual, meaning that being near someone you have an emotional connection to awakens sexual desires, even if just a bit.

By chance were you brought up in a sexually oppressed environment (parents saying sex was bad, religious believes. ect?) or have you had any previous bad experiences or have trust issues? Are you at all uncomfortable with any part of you? Do you have personal beliefs where sex is restricted so be done under certain conditions?

[yomo]

It sounds like you could also be asexual, if not any of what Jade Cross mentioned. Asexuals can have physical pleasure from sex, it's just that they don't want to have sex with certain people since they have no sexual attraction. You can be romantically, sensually (like kissing and stuff but not sex), and aesthetically attracted to a person but not have sexual attraction to them.

As far as being ashamed, it could be a personal belief and/or society's belief about sex that makes you feel that way. It could also be a lack of libido.

Either way, you are most certainly not messed up and there are a lot of people here on AVEN that experience something similar to what you do and many are willing to help :) including myself. Sexuality can be a confusing thing, so never be afraid to ask questions! <3

Also, if you feel like you experience sexual attraction but don't want to have sex, you could be a form of grey-asexual!

[Kalidas]

You are aware even asexuals can feel physical pleasure from sex right?

[fish of hearts]

It took me a while to accept the asexual label for myself for similar reasons. I thought I might be demi- or gray for a while, although even then I didn't feel like they quite fit.

I have no interest in sexual intercourse or sexual pleasure. I could go the rest of my life without sex and probably be happier for it. However, I am a very sensual person and I long for physical closeness with the people I love.

You may want to check out the link to the Physical Touch Escalator in my signature, as it helped me to differentiate between my desire for physical intimacy and (lack of) sexual attraction. You may also want to see the list from "Are You Still Asexual or Aromantic If?" also by the Thinking Asexual.

Even if you decide you are not asexual, that you are demi-, gray, or just plain sexual, or even if you think you may be something else entirely, you're welcome here. Welcome to AVEN! ^_^

[binary suns]

asexuality is an orientation. it talks about your sexual preference, not your physical functions and capabilities.

I am asexual and I have enjoyed sexual contact in the past. but, it just didn't feel like me... and it's something I don't feel like I need. and when I think about being close to others, I like the idea of kisses and cuddles... but not sex.

if you feel like sex isn't something you need, then you're asexual ^_^

and that's ok.

and if you do feel like sex is something you desire or need, even if you're afraid of being that kinda person... that's also OK!

here check this out this helped me when I first joined AVEN:

I've figured out that I experience aesthetic attraction, although I don't consider that to affect my orientation xD and that my orientation is that I'm a demisensual. When I get close to the right person, I start to feel a need to cuddle and touch that person. simple gestures, like brushing their elbow affectionately. not everyone I'm close to I feel this way towards, but someone special I would. and only if we grow close, emotionally and trust-wise ^_^

the majority of asexuals feel romantic attraction, and what I just described might be something romantic to them. some even like to have sex, but only for romantic (or procreational) reasons. (they don't need sex, but because being close to a partner is romantic, and they are ok with sexual contact, they find romantic satisfaction from its closeness)

if you are attracted to boys but not sexually, maybe it is that you are a romantic asexual?

[Otohime]

You should never feel ashamed if you don't have interest in sex or feel like you are messed up. It doesn't matter if you are a sexual, gray-sexual, demi-sexual, or asexual.... if you aren't interested in sex or if you are neutral towards sex or if you only want sex when you are close to a guy -- whatever the case is, it's your life, and you are ok. Don't let your "orientation" make you feel like you ought to be any certain way.

Be who you want to be, and after that, if it helps, find a label that you think describes you. I'd suggest reading up on asexual and demisexual.

You mentioned libido. Do you know if you have a low-libido? Do you experience arousal and still not desire for sex? Do you just not experience arousal? The first one could be a sign of asexuality, and the second could go either way. Even if you are a sexual with a low-libido, there's nothing wrong with that. (I suppose some people get concerned if their libido has suddenly changed and look into it with a doctor, but I don't know anything about that). The important part is that you feel okay with who you are.

[Confused93]

Thank you all for your replies :)

Jade cross - no I wasn't brought up with oppressive views. I was pressured into sex a couple of times by a bf at fifteen and that just makes me dislike sex more

Yomo - I know I shouldn't be ashamed and it's probably insulting to all asexual so I apologise. :) I'll research grey a sexuality

Kalidas - I wasn't aware. I was struggling to find information. Sorry if I insulted you. It wasn't my intention

A fish drowning - thanks I'll check the link out. Thanks for making me feel so welcome, I feel I'm wasting people's time but you're so kind :)

Teagan - thanks for all the info and pics lol. Everyone appreciates a break from reading :) it makes a lot of sense to me and I can relate to what you were saying about liking the idea of cuddle and kiss but not sex

Otohime - I know I shouldn't be ashamed but it makes finding a relationship harder. I'll read up on the sexualities you mentioned.

I do experience arousal yes but don't really want sex.

I don't usually reply separately for each person but you were all so kind to reply and made me feel welcome and a lot less weird that I thought I just had to reply to each of you. Thank you so much for your time

[Kalidas]

Hey you didnt insult me at all, I just wanted you to know so that you can understand better.

[TheLycanthrope]

Even those who are asexual can feel pleasure from sex. I've had sex a few times to rid myself of my virginity and to see if I truly don't care much for sex and each time I had sex it felt alright.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Although I was brought up around the ideal, I don't get the virginity thing. I mean not having sex even once (which would have to be defined as what constitutes sex, since everything from passionate kissing to masturbating can be considered a form of sex, as well as who counts as a legitimate sex partners as I heard when I was growing up that escorts didn't count. ???) is pretty much the same as not having it regularly. You're not going to be a master in bed if you do it once which is one of the traits that are attributed to virgins.

[Confused93]

Okay kalidas I'm glad :)