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I have a love-hate relationship with my sexuality and it confuses me.


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So... Basically, I'm 20 year old female who is in a relationship with a 22 year old male.... I absolutely love him to bits and we engage in love-making or sex quite frequently.... The problem I have is...

Something about my brain or mind just can't quite decide if I like sex or not... I enjoy it when it happens most of the time... I desire to do it sometimes... I feel sexually attracted to my partner sometimes also...

But then there are other times where I feel nothing... where sex even disgusts me.... looking at pictures of porn makes me feel very uncomfortable... people talking about their sexual experiences can also sometimes make me feel very uncomfortable...

I've never really felt like I've wanted to have sex with someone I was not in love with or in a committed relationship with... I despise the way sex is portrayed in the media but I don't know why...

I'm pretty sure i'm demi-sexual..... I've never been particularly interested in sex unless it was used as an expression of love and affection.... if it isn't I tend to get very touchy about it... if love isn't involved I find it gross and souless...

I feel like there's a part of me that has an unhealthy relationship with sex but I don't know why that is...

My sex drive is not stable and unpredictable.. I can go weeks without really feel any desire for sexual release or feel any kind of sexual attraction and then one day just get really horny out of the blue. I know hormones play a big part in that but I definitely feel this is a bit deeper than that... a psychological thing as well maybe?

Also... I do masturbate if I get sexually frustrated enough... no partner I've ever had could make me orgasm through any means of stimulation thus far but I can make myself Orgasm fine.

I find the liquids produced in sex pretty gross and turn off if i'm not already aroused enough to tolerate them, as soon as the session is over though.. usually when my partner has orgamsed a few times... I immediately get grossed out by them and have to go clean up lol.

I didn't have the most healthy sexual relationships with my last partners I will add... in fact they weren't really that healthy at all. I don't remember ever feeling sexually attracted to my first boyfriend although it felt like he was pressuring me into being more sexual with him... and the boyfriend after that... a bit better but still unhealthy, not enough understanding or communication of each other, again felt like he was pressureing me to please him when I felt uncomfortable with it.

With my currant partner however things are much more healthy with communication and honesty and respect.

I never felt attracted to penises even in the slightest and I didn't want to touch them... but Somehow with my currant partner I enjoy pleasing him and even feel a sense of appreciation or attraction to his penis which surprised me greatly.

My family aren't religious although when I first told my mum that I had sex she called me "unpure" so.. that was kinda harsh :/

I think alot of it is my past bad experiences with sex but also a combination the way it's been portrayed to me as child... as something wrong or dirty or to be ashamed of.... or the cold and logical dipication of sex in sex ed.... I'd never ever have sex if there were no connection and meaning and love involved.

I feel torn between viewing sex as this animalistic cold scientific view of sex, and the beautiful and wonderful act of love-making which is what I enjoy about it. Like I love it but am ashamed of it at the same time...

and it's causing some kind of strange internal conflict that's kinda driving me nuts at the moment to be honest...

like to a point where people draw sexual depictions of woman and men and I just feel bloody awful and sick inside if I happen to see them.... I don't get the people who are sexually liberated or whatever how do they do it... I'd never want to dress with my boobs hanging out or ware short skirts or try to look "sexy".... I like dressing modestly... I've nothing against them of course..... I just don't see anything "empowering" about it. certainly wouldn't empower me lol.

I wouldn't want people to see me as "sexy" I'd just want them to see me for me, and I guess I don't define myself by my sexuality so I find it strange when people do, but each to their own. My sexuality is quite a private thing to me I suppose in that sense.

Any thoughts or advice?

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50ShadesofSocialAnxiety

I don't have any advice but I do relate to this 100%. From the moods swings regarding sex to the post orgasm "ewww"

I'm trying to sort my sexuality at the moment as well and can very much relate to this.

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Lord Jade Cross

Same here. Sex was always portrayed as bad, unpure, etc. And I do come from a family who was back then much more religious or religiously obsessed. Add to that that I went to catholic schools so yea Sex = bad was still portrayed.

I've never had a partner or sex (came close once I guess) so I can't really relate to that part but the finding sex disgusting while at times, when aroused not minding it, I can relate 100% as I've felt it too.

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WoodwindWhistler

This doesn't sound unhealthy at all, tbh. Sounds pretty normal, some things even full allosexuals might feel.

Just a question- have you ever observed if your times of desire vs. no desire correlate to your monthly cycle? Fertility can often flare up libido or desire and then then go away.

IMHO, mistaking sexual empowerment for intellectual, emotional, political, and other types of empowerment is a mistake way too many people make. And I've seen plenty of commentary on "souless" sex outside of AVEN.

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