aceasia Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Hello, I've been married nearly seven years now to a man I love. We have two young children. Sex has always been awkward and unpleasant for me, but only recently did I realize there was a term for me (asexual). Fits me perfectly. But...how do I tell my husband I'm asexual? He knows I don't enjoy sex but is baffled as to why I don't want it at ALL, and I think he is under the impression that I can be "fixed," like I just need to read the right book or advice or talk to the right therapist. He doesn't pressure me to have sex, but when we do have it, he often ends up frustrated because I'm not into it and can't fake it, and I end up in tears because I'm disappointing him. We love each other and sex isn't going to tear us apart. But it makes for a bumpy road sometimes, and I feel like I'm going to break his heart if I tell him that I will never find him sexually attractive and I will never be "fixed" and enjoy sex. Help...? Link to post Share on other sites
Jake25 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 If he would do that sort of thing you could suggest he get a mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
FallOutAtTheMotionCityDisc Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Maybe tell him about it, and help him find some stuff to read about it online. Especially read things about working relationships between asexuals and non-asexuals! Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 kellysensei, I want to reach through the computer and hug you, because you sound just like me a few years ago. :( I'm very fortunate to have an open minded partner who did a bit of research on his own and came to the conclusion I was asexual before I did. I hope yours is willing to consider the possibility himself. Has he looked into it at all? Sometimes it helps sexuals to hear about asexuality from sources other than their "holding out" partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I'd have a candid conversation about it with my partner and take it from there. I don't think there's an "easy" way to go about these things, however, I think the best way to go about it is to be as open and honest as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
aceasia Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Thanks for the replies. It briefly came up in conversation tonight, and I threw out the term asexual. He said, "so you can't be fixed?" then got quiet and I think he's just thinking about it, trying to process it now... Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 He said, "so you can't be fixed?" rant: AAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!! No, we are not a broken vehicle in need of a mechanic. No, we are not horny cats in need of a vet. (But he might be.) end rant. Sorry, I shouldn't be shaming sexuals for being sexual, but damn if I'm not tired of hearing this stuff. On the plus side, my husband had said something similar before. He's since apologized for it. Multiple times. Here's hoping your story becomes as successful, if not more! Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Actually, him saying "So you can't be fixed?" is a good thing. What it means is that he seems to have accepted that there is no fix; that you are the way you are, and you've finally found it out. Try to reinforce that each of you are individuals without needing to be fixed, and you need to explore what kind of compromises might be possible. Compromise meaning neither of you getting everything you want, but each of you getting something you want. Please ignore the poster who told you to tell him he should get a mistress. That wasn't a helpful suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
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