I'm Not Asexual but my Girlfriend is, Please Help

[IronChefKevin]

So I'm currently dating an asexual young woman and I am not asexual, and I could really use some advice if anyone has any based off of the situation below.

For starters I am an 18 year old college student, and a virgin. As you may expect I want to have sex, and given her orientation that is a bit of a conflict. We've discussed how this relationship could work in some detail, but we are currently on opposite sides of the country for the summer and are waiting until we are back together in a few weeks before we get into a more serious discussion on it. I've been doing a little research into relationships between sexual and asexual people, but a lot of what I've found is either unhelpful, or a little be discouraging.

Before we stared going out I talked to a friend of mine, who is also sexual, and he said that I should stay with her if she makes me happy, which she does. But he also said that I should try to keep things clear that I might have to leave her one day should the opportunity for another, sexual, relationship arise that might make me equally as happy. As shitty as that may sound to some people I agreed with him. But now that we've been together a little longer, I'm finding it harder and harder to think about being with anyone else and I feel like I need to have a stance on this before it's too late for either of us. I will also note that this relationship has only been going on for a little over a month.

The fact of the matter is I adore her. We get along amazingly, and just thinking about her makes me happier than I've been in a long while. She is also panromantic and I am while more interested in the romantic aspects of relationships(kissing, cuddling, being overly affectionate with each other) than the sexual aspects, the fact of the matter is that I want to have sex, I'd like to have it sooner rather than later, and if possible I'd like to have it with her. However, she's brought up an incident in her past that indicates to me she might be sex-repulsed, which is even more discouraging to me.

I really want to make this work with her because like I said I'm pretty crazy for her, and I've let her know that I will respect her boundaries and that right now being with her is more important that having sex to me, which is true. So I just wanted to ask if anyone can give me any advice, or see if anyone has been in a similar situation and is willing to share how things worked (or didn't) work for them.

Please help, I don't want to break things off with her because of sex, that seems thoroughly stupid and shallow to me, but I can't contain my more basic urges forever.

[Kalidas]

You are right about one thing, you do need to have a solid stance the sooner the better. Think of how you feel now and how hard it would hurt to break up, now add a year or two of a long lovely relationship... thats a LOT more pain. You need to have your deal breakers. Oh and hey FYI sex IS a totally exceptable deal breaker. What if it were like this, you straight her lesbian? Would you expect the two of you to stay together? Not say asexuality is ANYTHING like homosexuality but your two orientations can be diametrically opposed. If she said she wont have sex and you require sex from her for the relationship to be truly happy, its better to end it now.

Have you had a talk of one day having sex? Are there other options you both could be okay with? Such as partnered masturbation? Maybe even an open relationship? There are comprimises, but never comprimise on your happiness or hers. And no that wont make you shallow.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I agree with the above post. The longer it goes on without a solution, the harder it will be. There are options, not the ones one might jump at but they are there so that a break up doesn't become the only option. But if you find that things don't work out, best to cut the ties to prevent larger pain from entering the picture.

[Star Bit]

Breaking up sooner is better then inevitably latter. If sex is something you need/cant stand sitting through the urges then it is a valid point for a break up. Do not feel obligated to stay just because you've been in the relationship for a while. If she is sex-repulsed then she probably won't sexually compromise with you; some do but its rare and horrible because the repulsion is still there during the act. You could have an open relationship (casual sex) or have a polymorphous relationship. I don't think a sex-repulsed person would even be comfortable using anatomical sex toys (which is another possibility for ace and sexual relationships so the ace doesn't feel that their body's doing what they don't desire).

[IronChefKevin]

Thanks all. Yeah that makes sense, and it's comforting to know that mine is a pretty natural reaction. Like I said we'll talk more in depth about what we can do when we're with each other as far as alternatives to sex go.

It makes sense that prolonging a doomed relationship is only going to end poorly, but I guess I just don't want to give up on her yet. Like I said I really like this girl, and I'd always feel a bit of regret if I didn't try.

But seriously thanks to everyone who's posted so far, it's appreciated.

[Kalidas]

Thanks all. Yeah that makes sense, and it's comforting to know that mine is a pretty natural reaction. Like I said we'll talk more in depth about what we can do when we're with each other as far as alternatives to sex go.

It makes sense that prolonging a doomed relationship is only going to end poorly, but I guess I just don't want to give up on her yet. Like I said I really like this girl, and I'd always feel a bit of regret if I didn't try.

But seriously thanks to everyone who's posted so far, it's appreciated.

Hey man I am always an advocate of love. I am the asexual in my mixed relationship. Luckily for my wife I am not sex repulsed (I really dont mind the way it feels) so mixed relationships are totally doable. Just trying yo be honest with you. But yes speak with her about comprimises and options hopefully something is workable. Come back to us if you need more advice or you just want to update on the situation.

[Runs_Into_Walls]

From the point of view of a girl in the exact situation your girlfriend is in (and I do mean exact), I would say that everyone who's commented so far has a point. The most vital thing in my opinion is communication. If this is how you feel, then you need to be very, very open about it. She will appreciate it greatly. Personally I am neutral/possibly repulsed in a relationship with an allosexual young man and we haven't talked too much about sex at this point, but he always respects my boundaries and I feel that in time if we continue our relationship despite long-distance difficulties I would compromise on the subject because I know how important sex is to him. Both parties have to make a compromise in a case like that, though. You never know until you talk through it.

[Lost247365]

Before we stared going out I talked to a friend of mine, who is also sexual, and he said that I should stay with her if she makes me happy, which she does. But he also said that I should try to keep things clear that I might have to leave her one day should the opportunity for another, sexual, relationship arise that might make me equally as happy. As shitty as that may sound to some people I agreed with him. But now that we've been together a little longer, I'm finding it harder and harder to think about being with anyone else and I feel like I need to have a stance on this before it's too late for either of us. I will also note that this relationship has only been going on for a little over a month.

I hate being the one person who is not being supportive here; but, to me, this comes off as a really really horrible thing to say or do to a person. It is like telling her that you have no loyalty to her, and that you are just with her till the next best things comes along. I get that you really really like her, but I just can not see any relationship working with a clause like that in there. If I were the girl, hearing something like that would be heartbreaking to me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I think you really need to reconsider telling her this. I think you REALLY need to talk to her about how important she is to you, as well as how important sex is to you as a sexual. Based on your discussion, you should really consider your priorities. Maybe you two will work out a compromise, but assuming a worst case scenario of no-sex-ever you should decide what is more important to you, sex or the girl rather than treat her that way.

Of course, I am not her, and you know her and how she would take a statement like that and I don't. I am aslo an asexual so I get that I have a very biased view in this, and think you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. But that is my point of view. I guess I am like Frida Carlo as she was portrayed in the 2002 movie Frida. I can abide infidelity, but not disloyalty.

Sorry for being so negative. I hope you and her work something out that makes you both happy.

[Tarfeather]

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I think you really need to reconsider telling her this.

Telling the truth may hurt someone, but not telling them the truth will cause even more trouble in the long run. It's possible for a sexual to love someone else regardless of whether they get sex or not; But not everyone wants that. That should be completely fine, and saying it should be completely fine. If you're hurt by it too much, you simply shouldn't be with such a person. Don't expect them to hide their feelings, that's the best way to build up actual resentment. I find that "well meant" dishonesty like this is the reason many relationships are pretty broken below the surface.

[Lost247365]

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I think you really need to reconsider telling her this.

Telling the truth may hurt someone, but not telling them the truth will cause even more trouble in the long run. It's possible for a sexual to love someone else regardless of whether they get sex or not; But not everyone wants that. That should be completely fine, and saying it should be completely fine. If you're hurt by it too much, you simply shouldn't be with such a person. Don't expect them to hide their feelings, that's the best way to build up actual resentment. I find that "well meant" dishonesty like this is the reason many relationships are pretty broken below the surface.

I get that. But if sex is that important to him, maybe it is better to just break it off altogether than to treat someone like that.

Imagine it was a normal cis straight couple. Do you think a relationship will last if either one of the couple tells the other "I am reserving the right to leave you the moment I find someone who is better in bed than you and makes me happy?"

A better, though still painful, solution would maybe to tell her that he is a sexual person and a day may come that he might give in to his needs and have an affair but that he would always come back because he loves her. Or talk to her about an open marriage. Or something along those lines. To say, I reserve the right to leave you should I find a sexual who makes me happy...that smacks of disloyalty.

Again, if I was the girl, I could abide infidelity but not disloyalty. I hate being a wet blanket but if someone told me that, I would break up with them rather than risk that type of heartache. Always looking behind my back scared that the person I love will leave me is no way to lead a life.

But that is me. I am asexual and will never be able to understand how strong the sexual urge is. In fact, that it is strong enough for him to think that, absolutely floors me. I don't think I could ever understand something like that.

[Tarfeather]

I get that. But if sex is that important to him, maybe it is better to just break it off altogether than to treat someone like that.

[...]

Again, if I was the girl, I could abide infidelity but not disloyalty. I hate being a wet blanket but if someone told me that, I would break up with them rather than risk that type of heartache. Always looking behind my back scared that the person I love will leave me is no way to lead a life.

That's understandable, but the OP's partner doesn't necessarily think the same way. I believe it should be her decision whether she can deal with that or not, not the OP's.

But that is me. I am asexual and will never be able to understand how strong the sexual urge is. In fact, that it is strong enough for him to think that, absolutely floors me. I don't think I could ever understand something like that.

And a lot of people don't understand that you could ever have a relationship for reasons that aren't completely selfish. *shrugs* There are a lot of things that people don't understand, even though the explanation is right in their reach.

[Lost247365]

That's understandable, but the OP's partner doesn't necessarily think the same way. I believe it should be her decision whether she can deal with that or not, not the OP's.

Completely agree.

She may be fine with it. Or her reaction could be more in line with my own. Or something else entirely. The fact that even he believes that it sounds bad does not lead me to believe he is expecting a positive reaction though.

And a lot of people don't understand that you could ever have a relationship for reasons that aren't completely selfish. *shrugs* There are a lot of things that people don't understand, even though the explanation is right in their reach.

True. I can't argue with that.

[Gantheon]

Speaking as an asexual who has had a long term relationship with a sexual, there's a point to be made about compromise. Your relationship can flourish and be happy while accommodating both of you -- to a degree. That's the catch.

The best thing is to talk and be communicative. If one of you pushes too hard and forces one to be celibate or the other to be uncomfortable with sex in the relationship, it can be disastrous. Good luck and I hope this helped.

[IronChefKevin]

Before we stared going out I talked to a friend of mine, who is also sexual, and he said that I should stay with her if she makes me happy, which she does. But he also said that I should try to keep things clear that I might have to leave her one day should the opportunity for another, sexual, relationship arise that might make me equally as happy. As shitty as that may sound to some people I agreed with him. But now that we've been together a little longer, I'm finding it harder and harder to think about being with anyone else and I feel like I need to have a stance on this before it's too late for either of us. I will also note that this relationship has only been going on for a little over a month.

I hate being the one person who is not being supportive here; but, to me, this comes off as a really really horrible thing to say or do to a person. It is like telling her that you have no loyalty to her, and that you are just with her till the next best things comes along. I get that you really really like her, but I just can not see any relationship working with a clause like that in there. If I were the girl, hearing something like that would be heartbreaking to me.

I totally understand what you mean. I realize that that is a terrible way to approach a relationship, and I appreciate you honest opinion. I suppose I didn't really present my intentions with that statement really well, or maybe I did at the time and now I'm just getting defensive. What I was really trying to get at is I do plan to be totally honest with her about what I'm looking for in a relationship, and part of that might be having to tell her this can't last indefinitely without certain compromises on either side. I wasn't trying to imply I'd be constantly on the prowl for alternatives, just that I'm not sure how I will feel about things for the extended future and I don't want her to feel like she was somehow at fault.

But again I totally understand where you coming from, and I know this probably all sounds like defensive dribble, but for what little the word of a stranger on the internet is worth I'd never do anything disloyal or emotionally damaging to this girl because like I said I'm pretty crazy for her. If you still think I'm despicable then I really am sorry, but I will do everything in my power to do right by this her.

[Lost247365]

I totally understand what you mean. I realize that that is a terrible way to approach a relationship, and I appreciate you honest opinion. I suppose I didn't really present my intentions with that statement really well, or maybe I did at the time and now I'm just getting defensive. What I was really trying to get at is I do plan to be totally honest with her about what I'm looking for in a relationship, and part of that might be having to tell her this can't last indefinitely without certain compromises on either side. I wasn't trying to imply I'd be constantly on the prowl for alternatives, just that I'm not sure how I will feel about things for the extended future and I don't want her to feel like she was somehow at fault.

But again I totally understand where you coming from, and I know this probably all sounds like defensive dribble, but for what little the word of a stranger on the internet is worth I'd never do anything disloyal or emotionally damaging to this girl because like I said I'm pretty crazy for her. If you still think I'm despicable then I really am sorry, but I will do everything in my power to do right by this her.

I am glad to hear I misunderstood what you said, and I think that sounds a lot better. Nothing wrong with compromise at all.

Just the way you stated it, it came off sounding that way to me. I don't think you are despicable or I wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Your original post made it sound like you really really cared about the girl and I was hoping I was misunderstanding. That is why I asked you to reconsider telling her that.

Again, sorry for being negative previously. I have never been so happy to have been wrong.

I really do hope you talk to her and find a compromise that works for the both of you. You sound very much in love, and I really hope things work out.